Categories > Books > Harry Potter

The Letters of the Law

by stealacandy 4 reviews

Draco Malfoy discovers the Power He No Snort and decides to use it to get the Weasel. The law is on his side.

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor,Parody - Characters: Draco,Ron - Published: 2008-05-22 - Updated: 2008-05-22 - 2393 words

The Letters of the Law
By stealacandy

Tell me what you think of this one. A bit lame, perhaps, but I thought it (somewhat) funny and decided to share.

Summary: Draco Malfoy discovers the Power He No Snort and decides to use it to get the Weasel. The law is on his side.

Disclaimer: I haven't written the laws in Massachusetts, whoever wrote those was probably drunk anyway, it's not such a great thing to boast of. Oh, and before I cross any lawyers at al., let me add that I didn't write Harry Potter either. Whomever wrote that was drunk for sure! At least for the last few books. Or otherwise he finished writing the first three or four, then got drunk, and never noticed JKR sneaking in and getting out with the manuscripts...

A/N: I had a witty author note for this one, but I forgot it. Damnit! So just imagine I said something witty and funny that made me look good. And no, my name is not Glderoy Lockhart, I wrote that thing myself! No, before you leave... OBLIVATE! Mewhahahahaha!!!

Oh, and you might think Ron is a bit out of character, developing a brain all of a sudden. Well, to my defense, he developed a brain in the Deathly Hallows!! Wait, waitm before you stone me, I know, I know, that's not a legitimate defense, that was just JKR being stupid, (again,) I was just kidding. Ron does have a brain, he doesn't do much with it, true, but this early in the morning, the system hasn't booted yet and uploaded all the checkers, chess and squishy... errr... I mean chinks, chests, and che-, no, that wasn't it. Oh, yeah: Checkers, chess and chedar cheese. No, no, that wasn't it either. You know, that game, what was it called? Squidish? Or, heck, let's put it down as Checkers, Chess and The Chudly Cannons. Yes, that early in the morning Ron actually has some spare room in his mind of minds for the occasional original thought. Okay, not quite occasional, but every once in a while... every decade or so... he has his bright moment.

That, or he still suffers from contacting a brain back in the Department of Mysteries.


The Letters of the Law
By stealacandy

Story One: The Letters of the Law

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"And in surmise," drawled on Draco, "I put out that we adopt that law from the Massachusetts colony and enter it into the records as a new Hogwarts by-law. Further more, to set an example, I put out that we, the Prefects of this fine institution, would be made out to be an example to the rest of the student body, to be held accountable to our misdeeds and thus to add further punishment to any prefect breaking it to suffer loss of prefect status and privilege." Draco drawled on, and on... and on, and the other prefects ad staff present at their annual meeting just about gave in to make him finally sit down and shut up.

"With no objection? With no objection," continued Draco, I had my assistant, Vincent Crabb, pen down the word of the law and therefore we could now add it to the book." No soon said as done, Draco sat down (...finally...) and the Head Boy jumped on the opportunity to congratulate the prefects, wish them a good term, and announce the meeting adjourned before someone else get it into his head to speak for a whole three hours about the evil of... snoring, was it? He wasn't really sure. something similarly irrelevant, at any rate.

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A couple of days later, Ron Weasley woke up early in the morning to a raucous sound and looked up to see what''s the commotion this time of day. He opened his eyes only to see Draco Malfoy, accompanied by his ever-present lackeys Grabb and Coil, along with the omnipresent, ever-looming professor Severus Snape, Master of Potions wawa wawa, yada yada, accompanied by professor Minerva McGonagall, Ron's Head of House, and what seemed to be about half the population of Gryffindor Tower, including the girls (Ron blushed furiously, turning tomato red), out of their beds to see the action.

"Mr. Weasley," said professor McGonagall. "It seems that you are in violation of a new Hogwarts by-law, and by way of consequence, you are now to lose your status as a prefect. Please turn over your badge, Mr. Weasley."

Ron blinked. He could see Draco smirking, an expression unsurprisingly mirrored on the face of Draco's Head of House. The expression wasn't mirrored on the rest of them. Craig and Doyle, or whatever their names were, Malfoy's pair of domesticated baboons, just blinked stupidly in confusion. That was not out of the ordinary for the two, as that was their normal facial expression. What was out of the ordinary was that said facial expression appeared to be dominant in the room at the moment, virtually none of the people gathered in the room had any idea what their professor was talking about.

And that included Ron. So he did what one should always do when lacking knowledge. He asked. "What rule did I break, professor?"

"The new rule about not snoring without the windows around you securely locked." his professor clarified, helpfully.

"But there aren't any windows here!" cried Ron in indignation.

"Right, Weasel," drawled Draco. (With all the drawling he does, you'd think he was born in Carolina or something!) "And that is why you are breaking the rule, you should have thought of that before-hand and erected windows around your bed so you could then close and securely lock them!" he finished in what he hoped was a dignified, authoritarian voice. In truth, it was more a whine, and didn't sit well with the practiced sneer that was beginning to appear on his face while he looked down his nose on the red-headed Gryffindor.

"Does that make any sense to you?" Ron demanded.

"Not quite, Mr. Weasley," answered professor McGonagall, "Alas, that is the word of the law."

"Bloody hell! What abnormally idiot fool was stupid enough to come up with such a ridiculous rule?" he asked in wonder.

"Watch who you are calling stupid, Weasel," drawled Malfoy on. I wrote that law, I wrote it on purpose knowing you'd be foolish and break it before the ink even had a chance to dry. And I was right! And you, you were the stupid one," he sneered. "You actually voted in favour of making it an official Hogwarts by-law!"

"What?" yelled Ron. "I did no such thing!"

"Sure you did," said Malfoy, alternating between an insulting sneer and a self-satisfied smirk again. "Last start-of-term prefect meeting, I put it out to vote, and you voted."

"Oh," said Ron.

"Yes, 'oh'," said Draco, his sneer back in full force.

"You sure that's what I voted for? I mean, I don't remember you saying anything about erecting windows where there were none..."

"Of course, Weasel," said Draco. "I didn't have to, that should be obviously inferred from what the law says. And here it is, in my... Vincent's... very own hand-write," he shoved the Big Book of Bogwarts By-laws, opened at the right section, (he bookmarked it in advance and practiced opening a bookmarked book in a flourish in order to make an impression to go with his intimidating sneer.) into Ron's face. (The book's name was originally 'Hogwarts By-laws', but some smart ass charmed the 'H' to look like a 'B' to anyone save the staff some time ago. Oh, and if asked, James Potter would deny any connection to the deed.) "So, you see," finished Draco, drawl, sneer and everything, "there's nothing to it. You've just lost your prefect status, Weasel, you can go back to scrubbing dirt now."

Ron looked at the text in front of him, blinked, and looked again. He than put on a smirk of his own smirk and said: "I think you might be mistaken, Malfoy." He then read it once again, this time aloud.

"Sneering is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. Prefect to be held exemplary accountable to misdeeds and further be punished for breaking rule with loss of prefect status and privilege."

Ron looked at Draco. Then he turned to his Head of House. "Professor," he said. "I am afraid it is my sad duty as a prefect of this fine institution to report my fellow prefect, Draco Malfoy, as breaking the newest school rule, thus resulting in loss of his prefect-ship and all privileges accompanying it. As you can see, we clearly are in a bedroom, and we have no windows closed and securely locked around us, and yet Malfoy is sneering at me with all he's got, and has been for the last ten minutes or so. Clearly, he is in outright violation of the law, even before the ink had the opportunity to dry!"

"Indeed, Mr. Weasley," said McGonagall in a strict voice - as usual - and, turning to Draco, she said, "Mr. Malfoy, it seems you are in violation of a new Hogwarts by-law, and by way of consequence, you are now to lose your status as a prefect. Please turn over your badge, Mr. Malfoy. No, Severus," she said, as Snape was about to complain, "it is out of my hands. It is a school law, and as Deputy Headmistress, it is up to me, and you, as Mr. Malfoy's head of house, to enforce the law. I daresay you should see that Mr. Malfoy cease to sneer henceforth, Severus?"

"But..." Malfoy was speechless. Still sneering, though.

"But that's preposterous," said Snape. "It makes no sense!"

"Not quite, Severus," answered professor McGonagall, "But, it is the letter of the law."

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A/N: I got that from thinking back on the stupid laws some U.S. states have, this one is from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts:
"Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked." (

Hope you enjoyed that,

Important Notice: Before you go on to the next chapters, (assuming I uploaded it by the time you read this,) you should be advised that their's is a different theme, dealing with other laws, the first one of which deals with leagally inhabitions to sexual activities. As this is a humour fic, what results when you mix the two is crude, base humour. I'm raising the rating for that chapter just for that, so if it offends you, leave it be - or skip to story Three. (Although, it is hardly much better... even though it is as yet unnamed.)


Okay, so I got this review from somebody catching a typo in which I wrote "God term" instead of "Good term" and he suggested an HP/Bruce Almighty crossover as an OMAKE for this one. So I thought about it, and this is what I came up with:

OMAKE: God Term(inated)

"I'll get you next time, Weasel!" drawled Malfoy, as he was lead away by his Head-of-House.

"Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain;" cried Ron, and lightning came in through the open window that didn't exist a moment earlier to smite the Slytherin down. "for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain."

As he dropped down to the floor, smoke rising from his hair, a few things that did not belong to him fell out from Draco's robe pockets.

"Thou shalt not steal!" bellowed Ron, and a second lightning hit the stricken Slytherin.

"Don't forget what he tried to do to you," someone offered.

"Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour." Said Ron, and once more a lightning hit the once proud Slytherin.

"And I saw how he was looking at you, I think he just likes you this way, all this is just because of his repressed sexual tension."

"Eeew!" cried Ron. And: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass!" And just like that, a fourth lightning in a row streamed in to smite the poor lad down once more.

The window was like a Tokyo red-lights district neon sign, blinking in and out o f existence at this rate.

As Draco, or what was left of him, was laid sprawled down on the floor, his robes in ruined tatters, everybody could see the mark on his hand, a bright, smooth tattoo over the burnt skin of his dangling limb.

"Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.' said Rom in a detached voice. "Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;"

The window appeared once more, and a fifth lightning stuck the fallen Slytherin. What the first four didn't accomplish, this last one did, and Draco was done and over with.

Just then, as things seemed to settle down a little, a booming voice was heard through the window, that miraculously appeared out of the blue... red... on the Gryffindor common room's wall.

And God spake all these words, saying:

"I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.

Thou shalt have no other gods before me."

For one last time, a lightening struck. They say a lightning doesn't strike the same place twice, but obviously it does, as Draco never move. Five times, however, seems to be the limit, as this one actually hit Ron.

And all the people saw the thunderings, and the lightnings, and the noise of the trumpet, and the mountain smoking: and when the people saw it, they removed, and stood afar off.

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