Categories > Celebrities > Aerosmith > Precious
Cassandra was walking out as Joe Perry came up the front steps. “Is Steven up?”
“Yeah, but he’s not really himself today, he’s very quiet. There’s something wrong with him, more than he’s telling me about. It all started yesterday when he came back from Joey’s place-”
“Joey’s place?”
“He came back from his place and he was in that gym when I left last night. He was just lying there on the floor, and he’d been crying. He wouldn’t eat, just lying there, bawling like a baby.”
Joe felt his heart pounding in his chest. His mind was in over gear. He hoped that he was wrong, that maybe there was something else that made him so upset. He hoped and prayed that he was just crying over something stupid on a message board, not the truth. The truth would crush him.
“I’m going to the store, he’s in bed, see if he’ll eat his breakfast. He didn’t eat anything but a piece of dry wheat toast yesterday.”
“That’s it?”
“Dieting so he can lose weight.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll talk to him and get him to eat. Drive safe.” He watched her get into her car then closed the door. The house was absolutely silent. Evidently the kids weren’t here.
He walked to this bedroom and slowly opened the door. He heard him crying. “Steven?”
Steven was on lying on his back in his bed, his long hands covered his face.
Joe walked in, “Are you alright?”
Steven looked at him and murmured. “No.”
Joe walked over to him and sat down beside him. “What’s wrong?” He asked, hoping he wouldn’t hear the answer he was dreading.
“I went to Joey’s place yesterday, and I know what you two were doing in that bathroom. Don’t forget I know what both of you sound like when you’re coming.”
Joe sighed. Steven knew. “I’m so sorry-”
“How long have you two been fucking around?”
“Just two times. After I talked to you in your gym, I went to his place, and I did what you said I shouldn’t-”
“You told him your stupid fucking plan!”
“Yeah.” Joe admitted, “I told him everything, everything about Tom and how he left me. I told him that I still craved your touch. He got scared. He said I’d take you from him, and then he said he’d do it to me. So we did it.”
Steven silently cried.
“I shouldn’t have but I didn’t know if you’d ever make up your mind. I didn’t know if that was my only chance with him.” Joe’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m so sorry Steven. I never wanted to hurt you like this, and I know Joey wouldn’t either.”
“You’re not to blame. Joey’s not to blame.” He wiped his eyes. “This is all my fault.”
“No-”
“God damn it Joe, it is! I got fat and out of shape. Joey doesn’t want me no more. He wants you!”
“No, listen to me-”
He didn’t. “I’ll eat less and I’ll exercise more. I’ll try harder for him. I’ll get six pack abs like you. If that’s what he wants, then I’ll do it.”
“You’re perfect just the way you are-”
“For god’s sake Joe, don’t take him from me. Please if you have any sense of decency, you’ll walk away from him. I need him. Some days he’s all I got. Me and Erin will fight, and in the back of my head, I think, ‘At least I got Joey.’ And now I-” He sobbed uncontrollably for a few seconds then wiped his red rimmed eyes again. “Those treatments and Teresa leaving me, I was broken. My soul was broken. He fixed my broken soul Joe.”
“I know. And I know he doesn’t love me like that. He loves you. There’s no way he’d ever leave you for me.” He held his trembling hand in his, “I know this was wrong and I’m sorry-”
“Did you ever see that van he’s got?”
“Yeah I noticed it.”
“That’s the van we’re he and I made love for the first time. He found it and had it fixed up. I think that was one of the most beautiful things anybody has ever done for me.” He bit his lower lip. “Did he fuck you in it?”
“No! He didn’t! I’m sure that-”
“He said he loved me. He said that I was the only man he’d ever loved, and then he’s fucking you.” He cried again, “Now I understand how much I hurt him with Jesse. Fuck I don’t know how he ever forgave me after I put him through so much pain.”
“Steven, will you just listen to me.” He stared at him until he got eye contact. “Joey and I were together twice. And both times well, it was the coldest sex I’ve ever had. It was mechanical-just awkward. I thought it was bad cause it was the first time, so I talked to him and asked for another go around.
“It went a little smoother, but I still didn’t like it. That’s why I came over here today. See if you wanted to go to the cottage.” He frowned a bit. “Guess that’s out of the question now.”
Joe watched him, seeing if any of this was making any impact on him. He blinked at him but said nothing.
“Look at it from Joey’s side huh? He knows our past, and I can see his hesitance in letting us get back together. I’m sure he wouldn’t want to be the one putting kindling wood and gasoline on the flames of desire-”
“Why didn’t you think of that before you told him your plan?” Steven shot back.
“I don’t know. I guess I thought you know, that he had Tom and Brad, and he’d be OK with us being together twice a year.”
“Did he call you ‘darling’?”
“No.”
“Did you tell him you love him? Or did he say that to you?”
“No.” Joe stared at their still clasped hands. “I’m so sorry. I never should have stepped into your private life. Steven, I know it’s asking a lot, but can you forgive me?”
He stared silently into his eyes for a long time. “Yeah.” He finally said softly.
“Thank you.”
Steven sat up, an instantly fell forward into Joe’s shoulder. “Whoa, head rush-I moved too fast.”
“Are you OK?” Joe put his hand on his face, “You feel clammy.”
“I feel weak and I got a headache.”
“I see Cassandra brought your breakfast in-”
“I don’t want it. I’m back down to my stage weight, but I can’t eat it cause I’m still too fat.”
“Steven, you’re beginning to scare me. You are not fat. Maybe if you eat, then your headache will go away.” Joe stood up, “Just have some of it.”
Steven slowly stood and followed Joe to the table. He stared at it: Fruit cup with a dab of cottage cheese.
“So how’s this new trainer of yours?” Joe changed the subject.
“Max?” He sat down. “He’s a good guy. He said, that I had to work on some stuff more.”
“Like what?”
“He uh, said that,” He sniffed, “He said I’m doing too much.”
“He’s a pro, maybe you should listen to him.”
“I don’t know, I mean maybe it’s just my addictive ways coming out. I just want to be the best I can be. I want the fans to love me.” Steven played with his napkin, “I want to be the best I can be for Joey. I want him to be proud of me, I don’t want him to be disgusted by the very sight of me.”
Joe pulled another chair over and sat across from him. He watched him take his fork and pushed the cottage cheese around. “If don’t want this, I’ll cook something else for you.”
“I was just thinking and I’ve made up my mind.” Steven stared at him from across the little table. “Joey’s mine. I won’t give him up. I’ll move heaven and earth to keep him.”
“I understand.”
Steven kept his glare at the guitarist. “You know I never cheated on you. I never fucked another guy when we were together. I was always faithful to any guy I was with. The only time I ever ‘cheated’ was with Jesse.”
Joe gave a nod.
“The bottom line is: I am afraid of you.”
“What?”
“You are very good at finding out what a guy wants-maybe you don’t realize it, but you’re a quick learner.” He leaned back, “You’d figure him out.”
“There won’t be any more encounters. I’m walking away.”
“So you’ll leave my Joey baby alone?”
“Yeah. I promise, I won’t be nude alone with him ever again.”
“So whatchagonna do now?”
“Maybe I’ll talk to Tom and see if he’s not so in love with Terry, or I’ll beg Billie again to use a strap on. Or maybe Brad.” Joe gave a shrug. “I don’t know man.”
“I haven’t cried like this Teresa left.” Steven finally ate a piece of watermelon as he thought. “And the time before that was when you and me had to quit.”
“Yeah that was rough.” Joe agreed.
Steven swallowed hard. “I’d be happy to go with you to your cottage. Just let me know when. I’ll clear my calendar and we can make love for hours.”
Joe was stunned. His first reaction was to say ‘See you in an hour and don’t wear anything too complicated.’ But his logic took over. “What? I mean after all that about how you never cheated, and you made that decision?”
“You said that you were here to ask me. That’s why you came over here today.”
Joe stared at him in utter disbelief.
Steven explained. “Part of me will always love you no matter what. I feel for you. I know Tom tore your heart in half. I know what it’s like man. I just went through it last night. I mean if you and Tom ever patched things up, I’d stay away. I’d understand.”
Joe’s mind summed it all up. “Are you saying this just to make god damn sure that I stay away from Joey?”
“No!” Steven shot back, and then his face went from anger to fear, “Yes. I’m afraid that Tom will shun you and Billie will say no, and Brad will turn you away. Then you’ll be out scouting again. I know you’ll be attracted to someone you’ve known for years, someone who will stay silent, someone you trust.”
Joe was hurt. He bit the inside of his cheek as he listened to Steven. “Do I want you at the cottage? Yes. Do I want you because you’re just doing this to keep me away from him? No! I want you there cause YOU want to be there-not cause you feel like I’m a fucking threat! I don’t want it to be a farce like it was with Tom.”
“No it’s not like that. Like you said, we never had any kind of rules. We might have balked about what the other one wanted, but we have this deep, deep understanding.”
“I think you’re just tired.” Joe left it at that.
“Yeah, but I mean it. I do love you deeply Joe.”
“Remember what H.A.L.T. means?”
“Hurt, angry, lonely, tired.”
“Steven,” Joe counted it off on his fingers. “You are hurt by the stupid shit me and Joey did to you. You are angry with both of us. You are feeling lonely and you are tired. Don’t get me wrong, you got every right to be pissed off right now, but think about what you’re saying.”
“You’re saying you don’t want me?”
“No.” Joe was exasperated. “I don’t want you to agree to something and then wake up tomorrow regretting it. If you’d agreed to the cottage yesterday I would have been the happiest man on earth. But right now, I can’t accept your answer. You’re just too hurt right now to making any rational statement. ”
Steven blinked hard. “Fuck I don’t know. I am hurt, but I do love you. I love Joey and I love you. I was so fucking jealous when you told me about Tom.”
Joe sighed. “I love you too, but I want an honest decision when you’re not dopey from sleep deprivation.”
“I was,” Steven ignored his statement, “So sad when you said you were with Tom. I saw how happy you were, you’re eyes just sparkled when you admitted that you two were together. I think that’s why I let you fuck me when you two broke up.
“When I saw you walking down that hallway, fuck Joe you were ashen. I thought that something happened to your mom, or to Billie or to the boys. And when you told me, god, I knew how much he meant to you. I knew how real it was. I knew how much you loved him.”
“Like I said it was one sided.” He looked at him; Steven was looking at him with those big brown puppy dog eyes of his. He couldn’t take advantage of him-not in the state of mind he was in. It just wouldn’t be right. “Finish your breakfast.”
“Do you love me?”
“Of course I do.” He tapped his fingers on the table trying to keep his cool. “I never want to break up you and Joey, you understand that right? I’d be perfectly happy being on the back burner.”
Steven finished off his cottage cheese. “So when did you ever decide that you’d be satisfied being on the back burner?”
“Everything just changed when Paul died.”
“Yeah, that was so sad. He was such a nice guy.”
“I changed after that. I got greedy and self-centered. I couldn’t choose so I wanted everyone. Then Tom got cancer, and,” Joe stared at the wall as he thought. “It all hit me, you know how life is short, and a person just never knows. I think we should talk about all this later.”
“Yeah, I should really get cleaned up and go see Joey today.”
“You aren’t gonna say anything to him about you know, how you found out.”
“Naw, I’m not gonna say nothing.” Steven frowned at him, “What are you gonna say to him?”
“Bout what?”
“Well, I mean Joey’s not stupid. He’s gonna wonder why you aren’t coming by for a ride in the bathroom.”
“I told him I’d let him know. I figure I’d just say that Billie and I have worked it all out.” He looked back at Steven; he was relieved to see his plate was clean. “I’ll tell him that no matter how things work out between us.”
“Thank you.” Steven’s hand went to Joe’s. “I know this is hard for you.”
Joe gave a halfhearted nod and then his eyes met his. He wanted to lean over and kiss him. He saw how Steven was fighting the same thought.
“Can I let you know tonight?” Steven broke the silence.
“What?”
“The cottage. I’ll sleep on it, and I’ll call you tonight.” He squeezed his hand. “OK?”
“I know what you’ll say tonight.” He pulled his hand away and stood. “Bye.”
“Wait.” Steven stood quickly, “Can I have a kiss good bye?”
“It wouldn’t end with just a kiss,” Joe swallowed hard, “It couldn’t.”
Steven frowned. “That’d be great too.”
“No, I’d better just go.” He quickly went to the door. “Later.”
Steven sat back down. “What the fuck was that all about?”
“Yeah, but he’s not really himself today, he’s very quiet. There’s something wrong with him, more than he’s telling me about. It all started yesterday when he came back from Joey’s place-”
“Joey’s place?”
“He came back from his place and he was in that gym when I left last night. He was just lying there on the floor, and he’d been crying. He wouldn’t eat, just lying there, bawling like a baby.”
Joe felt his heart pounding in his chest. His mind was in over gear. He hoped that he was wrong, that maybe there was something else that made him so upset. He hoped and prayed that he was just crying over something stupid on a message board, not the truth. The truth would crush him.
“I’m going to the store, he’s in bed, see if he’ll eat his breakfast. He didn’t eat anything but a piece of dry wheat toast yesterday.”
“That’s it?”
“Dieting so he can lose weight.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll talk to him and get him to eat. Drive safe.” He watched her get into her car then closed the door. The house was absolutely silent. Evidently the kids weren’t here.
He walked to this bedroom and slowly opened the door. He heard him crying. “Steven?”
Steven was on lying on his back in his bed, his long hands covered his face.
Joe walked in, “Are you alright?”
Steven looked at him and murmured. “No.”
Joe walked over to him and sat down beside him. “What’s wrong?” He asked, hoping he wouldn’t hear the answer he was dreading.
“I went to Joey’s place yesterday, and I know what you two were doing in that bathroom. Don’t forget I know what both of you sound like when you’re coming.”
Joe sighed. Steven knew. “I’m so sorry-”
“How long have you two been fucking around?”
“Just two times. After I talked to you in your gym, I went to his place, and I did what you said I shouldn’t-”
“You told him your stupid fucking plan!”
“Yeah.” Joe admitted, “I told him everything, everything about Tom and how he left me. I told him that I still craved your touch. He got scared. He said I’d take you from him, and then he said he’d do it to me. So we did it.”
Steven silently cried.
“I shouldn’t have but I didn’t know if you’d ever make up your mind. I didn’t know if that was my only chance with him.” Joe’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m so sorry Steven. I never wanted to hurt you like this, and I know Joey wouldn’t either.”
“You’re not to blame. Joey’s not to blame.” He wiped his eyes. “This is all my fault.”
“No-”
“God damn it Joe, it is! I got fat and out of shape. Joey doesn’t want me no more. He wants you!”
“No, listen to me-”
He didn’t. “I’ll eat less and I’ll exercise more. I’ll try harder for him. I’ll get six pack abs like you. If that’s what he wants, then I’ll do it.”
“You’re perfect just the way you are-”
“For god’s sake Joe, don’t take him from me. Please if you have any sense of decency, you’ll walk away from him. I need him. Some days he’s all I got. Me and Erin will fight, and in the back of my head, I think, ‘At least I got Joey.’ And now I-” He sobbed uncontrollably for a few seconds then wiped his red rimmed eyes again. “Those treatments and Teresa leaving me, I was broken. My soul was broken. He fixed my broken soul Joe.”
“I know. And I know he doesn’t love me like that. He loves you. There’s no way he’d ever leave you for me.” He held his trembling hand in his, “I know this was wrong and I’m sorry-”
“Did you ever see that van he’s got?”
“Yeah I noticed it.”
“That’s the van we’re he and I made love for the first time. He found it and had it fixed up. I think that was one of the most beautiful things anybody has ever done for me.” He bit his lower lip. “Did he fuck you in it?”
“No! He didn’t! I’m sure that-”
“He said he loved me. He said that I was the only man he’d ever loved, and then he’s fucking you.” He cried again, “Now I understand how much I hurt him with Jesse. Fuck I don’t know how he ever forgave me after I put him through so much pain.”
“Steven, will you just listen to me.” He stared at him until he got eye contact. “Joey and I were together twice. And both times well, it was the coldest sex I’ve ever had. It was mechanical-just awkward. I thought it was bad cause it was the first time, so I talked to him and asked for another go around.
“It went a little smoother, but I still didn’t like it. That’s why I came over here today. See if you wanted to go to the cottage.” He frowned a bit. “Guess that’s out of the question now.”
Joe watched him, seeing if any of this was making any impact on him. He blinked at him but said nothing.
“Look at it from Joey’s side huh? He knows our past, and I can see his hesitance in letting us get back together. I’m sure he wouldn’t want to be the one putting kindling wood and gasoline on the flames of desire-”
“Why didn’t you think of that before you told him your plan?” Steven shot back.
“I don’t know. I guess I thought you know, that he had Tom and Brad, and he’d be OK with us being together twice a year.”
“Did he call you ‘darling’?”
“No.”
“Did you tell him you love him? Or did he say that to you?”
“No.” Joe stared at their still clasped hands. “I’m so sorry. I never should have stepped into your private life. Steven, I know it’s asking a lot, but can you forgive me?”
He stared silently into his eyes for a long time. “Yeah.” He finally said softly.
“Thank you.”
Steven sat up, an instantly fell forward into Joe’s shoulder. “Whoa, head rush-I moved too fast.”
“Are you OK?” Joe put his hand on his face, “You feel clammy.”
“I feel weak and I got a headache.”
“I see Cassandra brought your breakfast in-”
“I don’t want it. I’m back down to my stage weight, but I can’t eat it cause I’m still too fat.”
“Steven, you’re beginning to scare me. You are not fat. Maybe if you eat, then your headache will go away.” Joe stood up, “Just have some of it.”
Steven slowly stood and followed Joe to the table. He stared at it: Fruit cup with a dab of cottage cheese.
“So how’s this new trainer of yours?” Joe changed the subject.
“Max?” He sat down. “He’s a good guy. He said, that I had to work on some stuff more.”
“Like what?”
“He uh, said that,” He sniffed, “He said I’m doing too much.”
“He’s a pro, maybe you should listen to him.”
“I don’t know, I mean maybe it’s just my addictive ways coming out. I just want to be the best I can be. I want the fans to love me.” Steven played with his napkin, “I want to be the best I can be for Joey. I want him to be proud of me, I don’t want him to be disgusted by the very sight of me.”
Joe pulled another chair over and sat across from him. He watched him take his fork and pushed the cottage cheese around. “If don’t want this, I’ll cook something else for you.”
“I was just thinking and I’ve made up my mind.” Steven stared at him from across the little table. “Joey’s mine. I won’t give him up. I’ll move heaven and earth to keep him.”
“I understand.”
Steven kept his glare at the guitarist. “You know I never cheated on you. I never fucked another guy when we were together. I was always faithful to any guy I was with. The only time I ever ‘cheated’ was with Jesse.”
Joe gave a nod.
“The bottom line is: I am afraid of you.”
“What?”
“You are very good at finding out what a guy wants-maybe you don’t realize it, but you’re a quick learner.” He leaned back, “You’d figure him out.”
“There won’t be any more encounters. I’m walking away.”
“So you’ll leave my Joey baby alone?”
“Yeah. I promise, I won’t be nude alone with him ever again.”
“So whatchagonna do now?”
“Maybe I’ll talk to Tom and see if he’s not so in love with Terry, or I’ll beg Billie again to use a strap on. Or maybe Brad.” Joe gave a shrug. “I don’t know man.”
“I haven’t cried like this Teresa left.” Steven finally ate a piece of watermelon as he thought. “And the time before that was when you and me had to quit.”
“Yeah that was rough.” Joe agreed.
Steven swallowed hard. “I’d be happy to go with you to your cottage. Just let me know when. I’ll clear my calendar and we can make love for hours.”
Joe was stunned. His first reaction was to say ‘See you in an hour and don’t wear anything too complicated.’ But his logic took over. “What? I mean after all that about how you never cheated, and you made that decision?”
“You said that you were here to ask me. That’s why you came over here today.”
Joe stared at him in utter disbelief.
Steven explained. “Part of me will always love you no matter what. I feel for you. I know Tom tore your heart in half. I know what it’s like man. I just went through it last night. I mean if you and Tom ever patched things up, I’d stay away. I’d understand.”
Joe’s mind summed it all up. “Are you saying this just to make god damn sure that I stay away from Joey?”
“No!” Steven shot back, and then his face went from anger to fear, “Yes. I’m afraid that Tom will shun you and Billie will say no, and Brad will turn you away. Then you’ll be out scouting again. I know you’ll be attracted to someone you’ve known for years, someone who will stay silent, someone you trust.”
Joe was hurt. He bit the inside of his cheek as he listened to Steven. “Do I want you at the cottage? Yes. Do I want you because you’re just doing this to keep me away from him? No! I want you there cause YOU want to be there-not cause you feel like I’m a fucking threat! I don’t want it to be a farce like it was with Tom.”
“No it’s not like that. Like you said, we never had any kind of rules. We might have balked about what the other one wanted, but we have this deep, deep understanding.”
“I think you’re just tired.” Joe left it at that.
“Yeah, but I mean it. I do love you deeply Joe.”
“Remember what H.A.L.T. means?”
“Hurt, angry, lonely, tired.”
“Steven,” Joe counted it off on his fingers. “You are hurt by the stupid shit me and Joey did to you. You are angry with both of us. You are feeling lonely and you are tired. Don’t get me wrong, you got every right to be pissed off right now, but think about what you’re saying.”
“You’re saying you don’t want me?”
“No.” Joe was exasperated. “I don’t want you to agree to something and then wake up tomorrow regretting it. If you’d agreed to the cottage yesterday I would have been the happiest man on earth. But right now, I can’t accept your answer. You’re just too hurt right now to making any rational statement. ”
Steven blinked hard. “Fuck I don’t know. I am hurt, but I do love you. I love Joey and I love you. I was so fucking jealous when you told me about Tom.”
Joe sighed. “I love you too, but I want an honest decision when you’re not dopey from sleep deprivation.”
“I was,” Steven ignored his statement, “So sad when you said you were with Tom. I saw how happy you were, you’re eyes just sparkled when you admitted that you two were together. I think that’s why I let you fuck me when you two broke up.
“When I saw you walking down that hallway, fuck Joe you were ashen. I thought that something happened to your mom, or to Billie or to the boys. And when you told me, god, I knew how much he meant to you. I knew how real it was. I knew how much you loved him.”
“Like I said it was one sided.” He looked at him; Steven was looking at him with those big brown puppy dog eyes of his. He couldn’t take advantage of him-not in the state of mind he was in. It just wouldn’t be right. “Finish your breakfast.”
“Do you love me?”
“Of course I do.” He tapped his fingers on the table trying to keep his cool. “I never want to break up you and Joey, you understand that right? I’d be perfectly happy being on the back burner.”
Steven finished off his cottage cheese. “So when did you ever decide that you’d be satisfied being on the back burner?”
“Everything just changed when Paul died.”
“Yeah, that was so sad. He was such a nice guy.”
“I changed after that. I got greedy and self-centered. I couldn’t choose so I wanted everyone. Then Tom got cancer, and,” Joe stared at the wall as he thought. “It all hit me, you know how life is short, and a person just never knows. I think we should talk about all this later.”
“Yeah, I should really get cleaned up and go see Joey today.”
“You aren’t gonna say anything to him about you know, how you found out.”
“Naw, I’m not gonna say nothing.” Steven frowned at him, “What are you gonna say to him?”
“Bout what?”
“Well, I mean Joey’s not stupid. He’s gonna wonder why you aren’t coming by for a ride in the bathroom.”
“I told him I’d let him know. I figure I’d just say that Billie and I have worked it all out.” He looked back at Steven; he was relieved to see his plate was clean. “I’ll tell him that no matter how things work out between us.”
“Thank you.” Steven’s hand went to Joe’s. “I know this is hard for you.”
Joe gave a halfhearted nod and then his eyes met his. He wanted to lean over and kiss him. He saw how Steven was fighting the same thought.
“Can I let you know tonight?” Steven broke the silence.
“What?”
“The cottage. I’ll sleep on it, and I’ll call you tonight.” He squeezed his hand. “OK?”
“I know what you’ll say tonight.” He pulled his hand away and stood. “Bye.”
“Wait.” Steven stood quickly, “Can I have a kiss good bye?”
“It wouldn’t end with just a kiss,” Joe swallowed hard, “It couldn’t.”
Steven frowned. “That’d be great too.”
“No, I’d better just go.” He quickly went to the door. “Later.”
Steven sat back down. “What the fuck was that all about?”
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