Categories > Anime/Manga > Loveless > The Hardest Part
II - Audacity
“Ritsu, it is not written that all fighters must love their sacrifices or the reverse.”
That was what she had said.
It was a line that had been carved into his memory.
But he had loved her, as he should have. He loved her strength, her independence, her power. Never in his life had he met a woman who was so defiant, and he obsessed over it, wanted to control it. And just as it was her greatest strength, it was also her greatest flaw. She had to go and love him, that man…someone unworthy of her affections. It was shameful, Godless and Endless. It was wrong beyond description.
He snorted at the thought of them together. More like thoughtless and brainless, the pair.
Rubbing his wrist, he wondered if they bled when their names touched.
It was against the unspoken rules.
And yet they managed. Managed to marry each other, managed to build a life, managed to have a child.
Nameless.
The two fools thought their son had escaped their cruel world of violence, having searched him and not found a name anywhere. Little did they know that he was trapped in the worst possible way. They hadn’t seen the gift in him, perhaps because they didn’t want to, but he, Minami Ritsu, had. He had seen the power in her quiet boy.
In the end, it had been all about the boy.
“I can’t do this anymore. I have to quit. Soubi is starting to understand things and I can’t have him see me like this. How do I explain the blood?”
She had pleaded with him, a fighter making demands of her master. It was unforgivable.
Ritsu reached up to touch the gauze around his eyes. If only he could have seen her, no, Soubi’s face today. That face was most beautiful when it was in pain. He remembered that day so many years ago, when his punishment broke her. Torn between her obedience to her Sacrifice and her love for him. In the end, one bond triumphed over the other, as it was meant to. She was most beautiful that day.
He remembered so clearly.
Soft light creped away into the evening as he thought about what had happened. In truth, he hadn’t meant for her to die, it was extremely unfortunate that it had happened that way. He really did love her, but it hadn‘t been enough for her to stay apparently.
Did he regret it?
He pondered the question for a few moments. She should have been his, was destined to be. Ritsu let his thoughts linger on the woman for a second more before he decided the answer was no. No matter how he turned it over in his head, he just couldn’t find any regret.
After all, he had finally won that day.
.
.
Starring at the same dusk, Soubi stood in Ritsuka’s room.
He leaned forward with his elbows on the window sill and took a long drag of his cigarette. He watched intently as the ashes fell into the dim nothingness outside. Examining his left hand, he traced the pink indention where flesh had knit back together.
Soubi stood there for a long time, until it was pitch black.
“Soubi?” a childish voice inquired as lights suddenly turned on. He squinted at the sharp brightness. It burned his eyes to see.
Slowly, he turned around and rubbed his eyes. Ritsuka stood at the door, fingers still lingering on the light switch, looking at him strangely.
“Why are you standing in the dark?”
Soubi shook his head and replied good naturedly, “I guess I just lost track of time and forgot that it was dark.” He accompanied this with a reassuring smile.
The boy shrugged and plopped down on the bed, shoes still on. “I am so tired. I don’t know what to think anymore,” he complained, overly dramatic, “I just want to sleep.”
He shuffled off his shoes unceremoniously, each making a loud thud as they hit the floor. Ritsuka rolled off the bed and headed into the bathroom to brush his teeth. The sound of running water stirred Soubi from his thoughts. The present was catching up. He wasn’t sure what was truth and what were lies. That mark around his neck was true. Ritsuka’s presence was true. Beyond that, he didn’t know.
Ritsuka quickly got in bed and looked at him.
“Aren’t you going to sleep too?”
He nodded and laid down beside the boy. There was such innocence resonating from the small body beside him that he couldn’t help but admire it. Were all children like this? Was he? He couldn’t remember, but then again, innocence was something only recognized once lost.
“Why do you put up with me?” he asked tentatively.
Ritsuka turned to face him and said simply, “Because you need it.”
Words caught in his throat and Soubi couldn’t continue this conversation. He poked Ritsuka and said jokingly, “Not for my charming good looks?”
The boy laughed, kissed him on the cheek, and laid back down.
Soubi smiled as well and leaned down to touch Ritsuka’s forehead with his lips. His hand on the boy’s shoulder slip up along his neck, past his ear ,and against his cheek. A finger ran along his jaw delicately until his thumb traced the curve of Ritsuka’s lower lip. His fingers seemed to have a mind of their own and moved up toward Ritsuka’s bright eyes held captive by his own.
“Such fierce eyes, Soubi-kun.”
He froze.
Soubi withdrew his hand as if it had touched fire. His fingers burned with thick accusation. How could he? He looked down at the person in front of him. Just a child. A mere child should not be treated in such a way. It was inappropriate. It was nauseating. He was becoming…
Shaking, he pulled away and moved to stand up from the bed, much to the dismay of a very confused Ritsuka. Throwing the covers aside and quickly leaving, Soubi felt a type of pain that he’d never experienced before. It rushed through his veins and burned his heart like poison come undone. He didn’t like it.
“Is something wrong?”
“No, I’ve just forgotten something,” he replied brusquely.
The man swung his coat over his shoulders and left the room in a flurry of jumbled thoughts.
He walked until he was sure no one was near. Soubi slumped against the wall and slid down until he sat on the ground. He stretched his legs out, limbs long and awkwardly jointed. Head back, staring at the ceiling, he wondered what this feeling was. Was it being lost? Was it being pulled in several direction? Was it disgust?
Sad, relieved, precious, heartbreaking.
He couldn’t decide. And, in truth, he didn’t have the clarity of mind to decide. The only thing he could for sure say was that this was an occasion for another smoke. When his search for a cigarette turned out empty handed, he sighed and banged his head backwards against the wall. Everything was a mess, left to him by people too selfish to resolve it themselves.
In hindsight, it had been so easy with Seimei.
Frustrated, Soubi got to his feet and continued down the hall. It had been so long since he wandered through these halls in the dark. He let his right hand drag along the wall as he continued forward. Not much had changed. The school was still the same dark lonely place it was years ago, filled with quiet anguish and suppressed tears.
Rounding corners and going down stairs, he cut through the dense air of Shichisei Gouken. At last, he turned to a door. It was a regular door, not unlike the others down the hall. But he knew, with every impulse, that this was not just any entrance.
Behind it was Minami Ritsu’s office.
Soubi touched the door knob and felt a wave of revulsion.
This was where it all started.
He gripped the knob tightly and turned it. To his surprise, it was unlocked and he found himself in that room full of glimmering glass once again. The walls were covered in glass frames, catching the moonlight from the window. There were many more butterflies than he remembered. He felt sick.
Always a collector…
His Minami-sensei was a collector of beautiful things: butterflies, books, people.
Soubi’s pale hair stood out against the dark walls, individual strands gleaming in moonlight. He could see his reflection in every single glass pane on the walls, mocking him. The scar on his neck burned. This was where he was cast aside by the man who claimed to treasure him. No amount of joy could undo the pain that this room had caused him.
“Never touch them. You’ll leave finger prints.”
The ash-colored man paused, his fingertips an inch away from the glass. Dead silence rang in his ears. He wanted to touch them, but Minami’s words repeated themselves over and over in his head.
“Never touch them.”
He knew he shouldn’t. Yet at that moment, something snapped inside of him, and he boldly ran his hand over one of the glass panels, covering his reflection on it. Smooth glass made no protest as his fingers slid over it. He could make out the glistening blue butterflies beneath his hand, pinned to paper, forever on display. How he hated them.
How he hated to be one of them.
With unsteady hands, he lifted the frame and fought its affinity to the wall. Once it was off the wall, he examined the butterflies against the moonlight carefully. They were all perfect, not a piece of wing missing, not a speck of glowing powder on the paper below. He had to admire the man for his attention to detail. But what it represented was another story.
He couldn’t. Sensei’s word was his law. Yes, he couldn’t.
But he was so tired. So tired of being left behind, an object to be looked at occasionally and forgotten when the novelty wore off. Tired of being passed around, giving out his undying loyalty each time like it was worthless. Yet, a small voice told him that it was what he wanted, to be completely controlled.
He couldn’t.
But serving three different and conflicting wishes was never something he wanted. It made it so that he could never keep his word to all three, and he despised himself for not being able to. He hated them for forcing him to choose.
No, he could.
Soubi lifted the large frame above his head and forcefully threw it to the ground. With a sharp and painful crash, the glass splintered into countless pieces, breaking the delicate butterflies as they fractured.
To him, the sound was beautiful.
Glass shards glistened all over the ground below him. Each, a precious gem. He stepped over the breathtaking mess on the ground, mesmerized by the pattern. What was this other feeling? It was one he’d never experienced. Unlike before, this one was empowering and addictive. There was peace in it. Peace and fire.
“You are special. Only you dictate who you are, precious.”
A warm sweet voice once said to him. Soubi could no longer remember her face, but he reveled in the audible pride.
He knew he couldn’t linger here, someone would come soon. He raise his right hand and compressed all his hate and anger into a single word. It was lovely. He could see it already, the floor covered in the broken remains of that which Sensei had treasured so much. The air around his hand gathered speed as he thought of his word. It was delivered with an adamant will.
“SHATTER!”
All the glass in the room broke in one deafening scream.
Ritsu woke with a start in his infirmary bed.
“Soubi-kun, what have you done?”
His words were a hoarse whisper, lost to the still night.
“Ritsu, it is not written that all fighters must love their sacrifices or the reverse.”
That was what she had said.
It was a line that had been carved into his memory.
But he had loved her, as he should have. He loved her strength, her independence, her power. Never in his life had he met a woman who was so defiant, and he obsessed over it, wanted to control it. And just as it was her greatest strength, it was also her greatest flaw. She had to go and love him, that man…someone unworthy of her affections. It was shameful, Godless and Endless. It was wrong beyond description.
He snorted at the thought of them together. More like thoughtless and brainless, the pair.
Rubbing his wrist, he wondered if they bled when their names touched.
It was against the unspoken rules.
And yet they managed. Managed to marry each other, managed to build a life, managed to have a child.
Nameless.
The two fools thought their son had escaped their cruel world of violence, having searched him and not found a name anywhere. Little did they know that he was trapped in the worst possible way. They hadn’t seen the gift in him, perhaps because they didn’t want to, but he, Minami Ritsu, had. He had seen the power in her quiet boy.
In the end, it had been all about the boy.
“I can’t do this anymore. I have to quit. Soubi is starting to understand things and I can’t have him see me like this. How do I explain the blood?”
She had pleaded with him, a fighter making demands of her master. It was unforgivable.
Ritsu reached up to touch the gauze around his eyes. If only he could have seen her, no, Soubi’s face today. That face was most beautiful when it was in pain. He remembered that day so many years ago, when his punishment broke her. Torn between her obedience to her Sacrifice and her love for him. In the end, one bond triumphed over the other, as it was meant to. She was most beautiful that day.
He remembered so clearly.
Soft light creped away into the evening as he thought about what had happened. In truth, he hadn’t meant for her to die, it was extremely unfortunate that it had happened that way. He really did love her, but it hadn‘t been enough for her to stay apparently.
Did he regret it?
He pondered the question for a few moments. She should have been his, was destined to be. Ritsu let his thoughts linger on the woman for a second more before he decided the answer was no. No matter how he turned it over in his head, he just couldn’t find any regret.
After all, he had finally won that day.
.
.
Starring at the same dusk, Soubi stood in Ritsuka’s room.
He leaned forward with his elbows on the window sill and took a long drag of his cigarette. He watched intently as the ashes fell into the dim nothingness outside. Examining his left hand, he traced the pink indention where flesh had knit back together.
Soubi stood there for a long time, until it was pitch black.
“Soubi?” a childish voice inquired as lights suddenly turned on. He squinted at the sharp brightness. It burned his eyes to see.
Slowly, he turned around and rubbed his eyes. Ritsuka stood at the door, fingers still lingering on the light switch, looking at him strangely.
“Why are you standing in the dark?”
Soubi shook his head and replied good naturedly, “I guess I just lost track of time and forgot that it was dark.” He accompanied this with a reassuring smile.
The boy shrugged and plopped down on the bed, shoes still on. “I am so tired. I don’t know what to think anymore,” he complained, overly dramatic, “I just want to sleep.”
He shuffled off his shoes unceremoniously, each making a loud thud as they hit the floor. Ritsuka rolled off the bed and headed into the bathroom to brush his teeth. The sound of running water stirred Soubi from his thoughts. The present was catching up. He wasn’t sure what was truth and what were lies. That mark around his neck was true. Ritsuka’s presence was true. Beyond that, he didn’t know.
Ritsuka quickly got in bed and looked at him.
“Aren’t you going to sleep too?”
He nodded and laid down beside the boy. There was such innocence resonating from the small body beside him that he couldn’t help but admire it. Were all children like this? Was he? He couldn’t remember, but then again, innocence was something only recognized once lost.
“Why do you put up with me?” he asked tentatively.
Ritsuka turned to face him and said simply, “Because you need it.”
Words caught in his throat and Soubi couldn’t continue this conversation. He poked Ritsuka and said jokingly, “Not for my charming good looks?”
The boy laughed, kissed him on the cheek, and laid back down.
Soubi smiled as well and leaned down to touch Ritsuka’s forehead with his lips. His hand on the boy’s shoulder slip up along his neck, past his ear ,and against his cheek. A finger ran along his jaw delicately until his thumb traced the curve of Ritsuka’s lower lip. His fingers seemed to have a mind of their own and moved up toward Ritsuka’s bright eyes held captive by his own.
“Such fierce eyes, Soubi-kun.”
He froze.
Soubi withdrew his hand as if it had touched fire. His fingers burned with thick accusation. How could he? He looked down at the person in front of him. Just a child. A mere child should not be treated in such a way. It was inappropriate. It was nauseating. He was becoming…
Shaking, he pulled away and moved to stand up from the bed, much to the dismay of a very confused Ritsuka. Throwing the covers aside and quickly leaving, Soubi felt a type of pain that he’d never experienced before. It rushed through his veins and burned his heart like poison come undone. He didn’t like it.
“Is something wrong?”
“No, I’ve just forgotten something,” he replied brusquely.
The man swung his coat over his shoulders and left the room in a flurry of jumbled thoughts.
He walked until he was sure no one was near. Soubi slumped against the wall and slid down until he sat on the ground. He stretched his legs out, limbs long and awkwardly jointed. Head back, staring at the ceiling, he wondered what this feeling was. Was it being lost? Was it being pulled in several direction? Was it disgust?
Sad, relieved, precious, heartbreaking.
He couldn’t decide. And, in truth, he didn’t have the clarity of mind to decide. The only thing he could for sure say was that this was an occasion for another smoke. When his search for a cigarette turned out empty handed, he sighed and banged his head backwards against the wall. Everything was a mess, left to him by people too selfish to resolve it themselves.
In hindsight, it had been so easy with Seimei.
Frustrated, Soubi got to his feet and continued down the hall. It had been so long since he wandered through these halls in the dark. He let his right hand drag along the wall as he continued forward. Not much had changed. The school was still the same dark lonely place it was years ago, filled with quiet anguish and suppressed tears.
Rounding corners and going down stairs, he cut through the dense air of Shichisei Gouken. At last, he turned to a door. It was a regular door, not unlike the others down the hall. But he knew, with every impulse, that this was not just any entrance.
Behind it was Minami Ritsu’s office.
Soubi touched the door knob and felt a wave of revulsion.
This was where it all started.
He gripped the knob tightly and turned it. To his surprise, it was unlocked and he found himself in that room full of glimmering glass once again. The walls were covered in glass frames, catching the moonlight from the window. There were many more butterflies than he remembered. He felt sick.
Always a collector…
His Minami-sensei was a collector of beautiful things: butterflies, books, people.
Soubi’s pale hair stood out against the dark walls, individual strands gleaming in moonlight. He could see his reflection in every single glass pane on the walls, mocking him. The scar on his neck burned. This was where he was cast aside by the man who claimed to treasure him. No amount of joy could undo the pain that this room had caused him.
“Never touch them. You’ll leave finger prints.”
The ash-colored man paused, his fingertips an inch away from the glass. Dead silence rang in his ears. He wanted to touch them, but Minami’s words repeated themselves over and over in his head.
“Never touch them.”
He knew he shouldn’t. Yet at that moment, something snapped inside of him, and he boldly ran his hand over one of the glass panels, covering his reflection on it. Smooth glass made no protest as his fingers slid over it. He could make out the glistening blue butterflies beneath his hand, pinned to paper, forever on display. How he hated them.
How he hated to be one of them.
With unsteady hands, he lifted the frame and fought its affinity to the wall. Once it was off the wall, he examined the butterflies against the moonlight carefully. They were all perfect, not a piece of wing missing, not a speck of glowing powder on the paper below. He had to admire the man for his attention to detail. But what it represented was another story.
He couldn’t. Sensei’s word was his law. Yes, he couldn’t.
But he was so tired. So tired of being left behind, an object to be looked at occasionally and forgotten when the novelty wore off. Tired of being passed around, giving out his undying loyalty each time like it was worthless. Yet, a small voice told him that it was what he wanted, to be completely controlled.
He couldn’t.
But serving three different and conflicting wishes was never something he wanted. It made it so that he could never keep his word to all three, and he despised himself for not being able to. He hated them for forcing him to choose.
No, he could.
Soubi lifted the large frame above his head and forcefully threw it to the ground. With a sharp and painful crash, the glass splintered into countless pieces, breaking the delicate butterflies as they fractured.
To him, the sound was beautiful.
Glass shards glistened all over the ground below him. Each, a precious gem. He stepped over the breathtaking mess on the ground, mesmerized by the pattern. What was this other feeling? It was one he’d never experienced. Unlike before, this one was empowering and addictive. There was peace in it. Peace and fire.
“You are special. Only you dictate who you are, precious.”
A warm sweet voice once said to him. Soubi could no longer remember her face, but he reveled in the audible pride.
He knew he couldn’t linger here, someone would come soon. He raise his right hand and compressed all his hate and anger into a single word. It was lovely. He could see it already, the floor covered in the broken remains of that which Sensei had treasured so much. The air around his hand gathered speed as he thought of his word. It was delivered with an adamant will.
“SHATTER!”
All the glass in the room broke in one deafening scream.
Ritsu woke with a start in his infirmary bed.
“Soubi-kun, what have you done?”
His words were a hoarse whisper, lost to the still night.
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