- Hmm, an interesting idea - one thing I do like about this story is the style - a writing style that certainly evokes the parlance and style of Jack Sparrow.
My only problem is that it's so short that nothing really happens; I don't really "get" anything out the story. Yes, Jack is well characterized - I can fully imagine him attempting to steal Charon's boat.
On the other hand, what's the point, really? I get a kind of "Uncle Remus" feeling in terms of the storytelling style, but it meanders a bit too much and ends up leaving the reader with a kind of "so now what" feeling.
What I'm trying to say, really, is that writing is good, but the story doesn't really have a point, or the point mentioned in the summary. I'd recommend fleshing out the story a bit more; it's short even for a one-shot.
- I found the prose to be affected and over the top, an attempt to emulate Jack's exaggerated mode of speech without actually getting into his head, which resulted in an oversaturation of random phrases rather than a judicious use of them here and there to accent his dialogue. My suggestion is to limit the Jack-dialect. However, I thought that the storyline itself was interesting, with the Greek and his explanation of the afterlife. That Jack kept ahold of the coin was curious, but explained in the last paragraph, and I saw it as a token representative of the future booty from Elysium (very nice phrase, the one about plundering Elysium, by the way). The last paragraph was where I thought the annoying dialogue dropped and finally became convincingly grandiose and Jack-like, entirely sincere and yet out of whack with reality in a Jack-ish manner. One might call it delusions of grandeur, except that Jack manages to follow through on his fancy. His idea of pushing Charon overboard and raiding Elysium captures his irreverent, piratical spirit perfectly. In short, the characterisation is good when you express a character's actions and ideas, but it isn't so good when you try to get into their patterns of speech and thought (the way they express their ideas).
- It takes a second to get into the flow of the story and understand the meter of the speech, but once that was down it read beautifully. It was like a moment stolen straight out of Jack's memories, like a story he might tell aloud to someone (including all the little exagerations and side-stories that he might meander down). I was particularly pleased by the last paragraph and his intentions of plundering Elysium if that's the way he goes when he's dead. Bravo! This was a great one-shot.
(#) Stella_Omega 2005-12-17Jaebi_Lit has mostly the right of it, although I'm more forgiving perhaps. Still I'd like to see the style cleaned up just a little.
It's not jack tellng the tale though, is it- some mate of his swapping the story for a pot of ale.
Sweet though. I like the way the stories are being told- The stories that were only hinted at in the film.
"Are none of them true then?"
"No" he said, and pulled his shirt aside to show the bullet scars; "None at all."
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