FicWad

The next day I didn't see Gerard at school. Usually he stuck to me like fucking gum to a shoe lace but not today. Mikey didn't mention anything about his brother being weird, at least not more the usual bitching of he stole my Cd's whine whine... He said nothing about Gerard staying up late, duct taping his black little heart back together last night and I didn't ask. It was business as usual except it wasn't.

School was even more of a drag then usual, I kept yawning and dozing off in class since I spent the entire night awake thinking about the whole thing, he was right, it was obvious he cared so how come I've failed to notice? Why the fuck did I notice every gesture Ray did yet failed so miserably to figure out Gerard's?? Looking back it was clearer then the sky. He would miss out on anything just to listen to me ramble about how it sucked to be me, he knew my time table by heart, my hours of doing things and what would I say yet I blew him off. It was a given he should become my shadow and now that he stopped I definitely felt the loss.

It was a full week before he actually turned up at school and when he did, he didn't look too good. I was afraid to admit it even to myself but did I really break his heart and did I actually feel sorry for him?

Was it just regret I was feeling but regret for what? For being a bitch? For breaking his heart? For letting him go....?

But what was I supposed to say, at that particular moment I was so wrapped in my own heart break I didn't even think about what I felt for him. It was always obvious to me I hated him. I hated everything about him since I learned how to say motherfucker. He was always the one to send me over the edge and always the one who triggered my childish tantrums so what changed? Did anything really?

I felt the isolation in full force, after driving my other peers into panic attacks everytime I came around and with Frankie in another school I felt lonely without Gerard.
Mikey had his own thing going on and it left me and my often uneaten sandwich alone at lunch. With no one to talk to or sit with I began doodling in my notebooks. At first it was for the mere purpose of looking busy but then I did it to vent. I took everything on the drawings.

My 'art' looked kinda psychotic and morbid but I was happy when I drew, I felt free and let go of my holding back.
It got me in trouble more then once when the math teacher peeked over my shoulder and saw me drawing her standing next to her bloody heart on a cross, I got sent to the counselor again, I might have made something up about me exploring my sexual preferences... They called my parents to the school who in return made a big scene about losing me and not knowing me.
It was funny how dad blew up when the shrink told him I think I was gay and confused about it. He started yelling about how I'm being stupid and there's no such thing as gay and how god created a man and a woman for a reason.
How I wanted to throw at him that line I kept rehearsing in my mind all this time 'Alex is gay'. I kept repeating it over and over in my head, too scared to hear it roll of my lips and disappear into the room. Alex is gay. Alex is gay. Alex is gay. I wanted to scream that at him.
Maybe if Alex was gay, and not me, it would be OK with my dad cause Alex was a swell guy. Respected by big and small, kids and adults, everyone loved the perfect Alex, the gentleman, the smart, athletic, outgoing guy. ALEX IS GAY!

Anyway, the shrink gave them a long list of books to read. Like 'the guide to the depressed teen' or 'gay? 10 good signs to know if your child is gay'.
It made me laugh how clueless adults can be, you can give them a line you made up on the spot and have them run around, obsessing over it like which my parents did. My maternal slut bought every single book of that list and made dad read too.
But the bottom line was that I missed Gerard. I just missed having him there but he avoided me at all costs, he walked around my building and took the furthest seat at lunch and History and school assemblies. He didn't even glance at me, pretending I don't exist like the rest of my peers. I wanted to pretend I don't exist too, maybe if I try hard enough I'll eventually fade into thin air.

"So what's up?," Ray flopped on the bench opposite me, making me close the notebook in front of me, leaning on it with my both hands, "You're always drawing something there," he jerked his head at the notebook and gave me a smile.

"Just stuff," I shrugged, taking a sip from the soda can in front of me.

"What kinda stuff?," he placed his bag beside him and took out a bag of chips.

"Zombies and werewolves and dead people," I whispered playfully, making him laugh. If only he knew what I was really drawing. It was my recent attempt of drawing a couple. I struggled with that, the drawing of the boy was perfect if I might say so myself, the lines were accurate and clear. It was a handsome boy but the girl always came out quite distorted and ugly, I couldn't put my finger on what I did wrong but she was just disgusting.

"I didn't know you could draw," he casted another glance on my notebook which I pressed to my chest dearly, "Or liked to"

"There's a lot you don't know about me," I smirked. Ray always made me feel different, I could pretend with him and cause he knew practically nothing about me, he unintentionally fed my game.

"I'd like that to change," he flirted back, leaning forward on his elbows.

"Me too," I slide the notebook into my messenger bag under the table while we stared at each other. His gaze still made the butterflies in my gut go into overdrive.

"So how about you come tonight to my bands rehearsal," he cocked his eyebrow playfully.

"I'd have to check my calendar," I giggled, flipping my hair back.
How I hated girls who were all over the guy. You could spot them in any group, the kind that always giggled, flipped their hair and batted their eyelashes, I always thought they were so cheap and here I was doing the same yet feeling no remorse.

"I'll wait"

I pretended to look down on my outstretched palm and leaf through a few imaginary pages with a frown on my face, "Oh fuck is it the 9th? I'm afraid I'm all booked"

"Oh my," Ray gasped, playing along, "Is there anything I can do to make you change your mind"

"It depends," I smiled vaguely, "What are you willing do to?"

"What will it take?," he wagged his eyebrows leaning on one elbow.

I burst out laughing at his mystery man act. It was so unlike Ray. Mystery men should be tall, dark, pale and handsome and he was quite the opposite but he was cute, "You know what, I'm convinced. I'll squeeze you in"

"You'll squeeze me in, huh?," he laughed, "My pleasure"

I blushed slightly, looking down on my hands in my lap, "So what time is it?"

"8 PM. My place," he stood up and loaded his bag on his back, waving as he headed for the exit.

I watched him leave and the image of the distorted drawing of the girl floated in front of my eyes, making me sigh. I'll guess I'll try another day, maybe if I rested my hand a little, she'd come out looking like a girl and not a beast.


"This is your band?!," I exclaimed when I entered the Toro's garage. There were three girls sitting silently on a little stained sofa on one end and 3 familiar faces standing awkwardly on the other. Frankie beamed at me from his spot on the far left of the garage with no physical trace of the last time I saw him, "Mikey?," I shook my head in disbelief at the sight of Mikey holding a bass.

Since when was Mikey in a band?! Fuck since when did he know how to play a bass?! Mikey had difficulties coordinating his lunch tray and a soda can let alone strum and fret at the same time! And Bob was apperently their drummer, well that one was less of a shock, I never really talked with him and he did look like the drummer type whatever that might be.

I was led by Ray to sit with the other girls as he took his place in the front with his guitar.

I sulkily sat next to a familiar looking girl, annoyed that I had to sit with the groupies, "Do I know you?," I asked bluntly when she kept gawping at me.

"I think, but I'm not sure," she shrugged but didn't take her eyes off me.

"Well, Do you mind not staring at me?," I asked politely, "It freaks me out when people stare at me"

She frowned her brow, "It's not like I'm staring lovingly at you"

"Good," I nodded, "Cause that would've freaked me even more"

The girl smiled a little, "I'm just trying to remember where I saw you"

"Maybe we met in the previous life. You were probably a stalker"

"You believe in the after life?," she pursed her lips together, waiting for my answer.

"Um I dunno, I'm just trying to tell you politely to stop staring at me"

"What's your name?"

"You want my address too?"

"No your name will do," he smirked, "I have my way of finding people"

"Viola," I looked at the guys who were apperently tuning up. They looked like they were tuning. They were strumming random strings and then yelling at each other that it didn't suppose to sound like that while keeping a close eye on the girls.

"The girl from another mister!," the plum brunette next to me suddenly exclaimed, attracting attention from the other 2 girls, sitting next to her who until now pretty much ignored us.

"Excuse me?," I frowned, "Did you just insult me or something"

"Oh my god, did I?!," she covered her face with her hands, mumbling frantically, "I'm so so so sorry. I just heard Frank say that to you and I figured...Oh god I should've known better then to repeat anything Frank says. Oh god sorry!"

A smile stretched across my face. As anti social as I was that girl made me laugh, "What's your name?"

"Jamie," she whispered.

Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. It definitely rang some bells and I wasn't even high yet....."Didn't I meet you at the party?"

"That's right!," the realization illuminated her entire face, "I met you by the drinks table! You looked like a slut!"
My eyes widened a little by her remark, making her erupted in yet another rambling fit, "I'm so sorry! No that looking like a slut is bad! I mean...I meant it in a good way....I know a lot of nice sluts...Not that you're one...I'm just saying...Sorry"

"Never mind," I waved my hand to stop her into getting too deep into that.

"So how's tard," she smiled, recovering from her mad blushing.

"He dumped me," I sighed leaning back into the filthy sofa. It was so filthy it wasn't even it's original color anymore.

"Oh I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were dating," Jamie rubbed my forearm sympathetically.

"Me either," I snapped, "I mean how was I supposed to know him following me around means he likes me?! He doesn't say shit and then all of the sudden BAM we're a couple? I don't think it works like that!"

Jamie rolled her eyes, casting a quick glance at the guys who were now yelling at Bob for sounding 'all wrong, dude', "Guys"

"Yeah," I shrugged, "I mean go figure"

"Yeah. How can he dump you if you weren't in a relationship from the get go?"

"Exactly!," I cried out, "But turns out he can and he did," I went into this big rant about how guys suck, yelling over the music with Jamie nodding to everything I said. I didn't even stop to think I don't know her to pour my heart out like that, it just felt nice to say everything aloud and have the other person answer or nod or laugh and not bark for a change. I intentionally failed to mention the cheating bit. Mostly cause I remembered sensing some electricity between Jamie and Frankie at the party and even now it was radiating out of them and I didn't want to screw it up by telling her something that didn't mean anything anyway...

"Well it's OK, Viola," Jamie went back to rubbing my forearm, "There's plenty other fish in the sea and you deserve better anyway"

"Mmm," I sighed, the feeling of bitter regret washing over me, "It just makes me wonder you know"

She nodded thoughtfully, "If it's meant to be it'll happen"

I didn't respond, pretending to listen to the guys. As I smiled at the sight of Ray and Frank rocking out and Mikey swaying on one spot, I tried to convince myself that Jamie was right and she didn't just say bunch of fucking cliches and that this is the place I wanted to be in right now. In the stinky garage with Jamie and 2 stuck up bitches and the guys. I tried not to think about what Gerard was doing right now and whether he feels the same longing I did. What's the point of this if he failed to notice me. Life goes on and so should I.