Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > I Will Follow You Into The Dark
Frank and I sat on the sofa, flicking on the TV and settling on Fuse. I put two cigarettes in my mouth and lit them up, passing one to Frank before sitting back on the couch, wincing slightly.
“So what’s up?” I asked as casually as I could, inside my mind was racing a mile to the minute, wondering if Gerard had told the guys or if Adriann had told everyone and this was Frank coming to spit me out all over again.
“Its Gerard man, he’s acting all weird.”
I gave him a look.
“Well weirder than usual.”
“How so?” I asked, intrigued.
“Well he’s just freaking out. I asked him where you were and he blew his fucking lid, yelling about how you were fine and to quit worrying because you were just off sick and it was hardly a big deal. Saying just to forget about it and focus on getting through the day,” he explained. “Then he just went completely dazed, all day’s been all unfocused and shit, really starting to piss the teachers off. So I just thought screw this, I’ll go find out myself.”
“Well…ok…right then.”
“Mikey, it’s ok, you can tell me anything. You and Gee had a fall out?”
“I wish,” I muttered quietly to myself, shifting as I tried to ease the pain of my backside, “It would be a thousand times better than this.”
“What’s that?” Frank asked, turning to face me.
“What? Oh nothing, it doesn’t matter.” I said, not realising he had heard me.
“Bullshit! Mikey I’ve known you the majority of my life, stop lying to me. I’m fed up of people lying to me today. Just tell me what’s fucking going on.”
“I was raped,” I murmured impossibly quietly to myself.
“What?” Frank asked, straining to hear me.
“I was raped! Is that what you wanted to fucking hear?” I yelled at a shocked Frank, for once he was struck dumb. “Well?! That what you wanted? Gonna ignore me now? Or pity me?! I don’t want your fucking sympathy.” I snarled as I threw the cigarette butt into the ash tray and stood up, running to my room and locking my door.
I sat on my bed. I heard the front door slam; presuming Frank had left, though was shocked when I heard two voices in the hall downstairs. I went to my door and unlocked it, opening it slightly and peeping out. I was surprised when I saw Frank with tears running down his face and Gerard standing looking at his shoes, looking shameful.
“He told you then?” Gerard asked tentatively. I saw Frank nod his head.
“Where is he?”
“He’s in his room, ran up there after he told me, was limping a bit.” Frank replied. I scoffed. What he was expecting me to walk properly after the brutality my body had been put through?
“I don’t know how to help him,” Gerard admitted quietly. “I don’t know what I can do to make him better. I can’t look at him without imagining about everything he’s been though. What do I do?”
“How about you stop talking about him behind his back and giving him pity!” I shouted down from my bedroom door. I angrily slammed the door, hearing Gerard sigh as I did so and once again lay down on my bed, turning my CD player on with the remote and out played Anthrax.
I felt my feelings wash out with the music and suddenly my eyes began to feel heavy, I took my glasses off and lay back, allowing my eyes to close to slowly I drifted to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~
I woke up to the soft calling of my name; Gerard was outside my room, calling me and knocking on the door.
“Mikey its mom and dad, they wanna check that you’re actually in the house like I said you were.”
“Ok, ok I’m coming.” I grumbled. Reluctantly getting up, I knew that if my parents didn’t do their check up they’d decide to come home early and I really wasn’t ready to face them yet. I opened my door and grabbed the phone, ignoring the inquiring glance from Gerard.
After a brief conversation I hung up and handed the phone back to Gerard before returning to my bad and lying on it, my back to the door.
“Don’t just stand there Gerard,” I said after a while of sensing him there. “Either come inside or disappear.” Footsteps. The bed dipped to the side of me and I ignored the sense of déjà vu I was beginning to feel.
“Mikey, I-” Gerard began.
“What?”
“What h-happened?” he asked reluctantly.
I turned around to face him.
“What do you mean?” I inquired, narrowing my eyes.
“You know what I mean Mikey, what happened, why were you round there in the first place?”
I turned back around to face the wall.
“He phoned here, just after we found out how he knew. He had videoed us, used his camera phone. Said he would send it to everyone if I didn’t go round so I did.”
“And you never thought to tell me and we could’ve gone round together? What the hell was going on in your head?”
“I don’t know! I panicked! I didn’t want everyone finding out about us.”
“Then what happened..?”
“He took me down to the basement,” I whispered, hot tears filling my eyes. “He told me to strip. I didn’t want to but he forced me!” I cried, trying to defend myself. Gerard’s hand came to rest on my shoulder, soothingly stroking it. “He told me to suck him off. I refused but then…then he got out the knife. I-I didn’t know what to do Gee! I thought he was going to kill me!”
“It’s ok, you don’t have to continue.” Gerard said reassuringly. I shook my head; I needed to get this out.
“He pushed himself into my mouth, I-I could barely breathe, eventually he pulled out. I thought that that was it, it was all over but then he took his shirt off.”
I paused, taking a breathe. Could I really tell Gerard what had happened? I took his hand in mine and squeezed it tightly. Tears were rolling down my face but I made no move to stop them.
“He-he flipped m-me over,” I cried, whispering. “He pushed himself into me, no prep, nothing. I cried for him to stop, for someone to help me. I asked God to help me. He must’ve been asleep.”
I took a peek over my shoulder, seeing the heartbreaking look in Gerard’s eyes. He wouldn’t want me now. He knew what I’d done. I was tainted. He pitied me.
“He got the knife again, st-started cutting into m-me while he pushed into me, I could feel myself rip….I cried so hard I spewed, and was forced to lay there. Lay there and take it while he finished off!” I wailed, punching the wall opposite me.
“I-I don’t want to do this Gee.” I whispered, turning round and burying my face in his shirt. “I don’t want to face this. I can’t deal, every time I close my eyes all I hear is him grunting and moaning, all I see is his face. I don’t want him there.” I sobbed. I could feel myself shaking and noticed too, that Gerard was. He held me close and cried with me. Cried for me.
“So what’s up?” I asked as casually as I could, inside my mind was racing a mile to the minute, wondering if Gerard had told the guys or if Adriann had told everyone and this was Frank coming to spit me out all over again.
“Its Gerard man, he’s acting all weird.”
I gave him a look.
“Well weirder than usual.”
“How so?” I asked, intrigued.
“Well he’s just freaking out. I asked him where you were and he blew his fucking lid, yelling about how you were fine and to quit worrying because you were just off sick and it was hardly a big deal. Saying just to forget about it and focus on getting through the day,” he explained. “Then he just went completely dazed, all day’s been all unfocused and shit, really starting to piss the teachers off. So I just thought screw this, I’ll go find out myself.”
“Well…ok…right then.”
“Mikey, it’s ok, you can tell me anything. You and Gee had a fall out?”
“I wish,” I muttered quietly to myself, shifting as I tried to ease the pain of my backside, “It would be a thousand times better than this.”
“What’s that?” Frank asked, turning to face me.
“What? Oh nothing, it doesn’t matter.” I said, not realising he had heard me.
“Bullshit! Mikey I’ve known you the majority of my life, stop lying to me. I’m fed up of people lying to me today. Just tell me what’s fucking going on.”
“I was raped,” I murmured impossibly quietly to myself.
“What?” Frank asked, straining to hear me.
“I was raped! Is that what you wanted to fucking hear?” I yelled at a shocked Frank, for once he was struck dumb. “Well?! That what you wanted? Gonna ignore me now? Or pity me?! I don’t want your fucking sympathy.” I snarled as I threw the cigarette butt into the ash tray and stood up, running to my room and locking my door.
I sat on my bed. I heard the front door slam; presuming Frank had left, though was shocked when I heard two voices in the hall downstairs. I went to my door and unlocked it, opening it slightly and peeping out. I was surprised when I saw Frank with tears running down his face and Gerard standing looking at his shoes, looking shameful.
“He told you then?” Gerard asked tentatively. I saw Frank nod his head.
“Where is he?”
“He’s in his room, ran up there after he told me, was limping a bit.” Frank replied. I scoffed. What he was expecting me to walk properly after the brutality my body had been put through?
“I don’t know how to help him,” Gerard admitted quietly. “I don’t know what I can do to make him better. I can’t look at him without imagining about everything he’s been though. What do I do?”
“How about you stop talking about him behind his back and giving him pity!” I shouted down from my bedroom door. I angrily slammed the door, hearing Gerard sigh as I did so and once again lay down on my bed, turning my CD player on with the remote and out played Anthrax.
I felt my feelings wash out with the music and suddenly my eyes began to feel heavy, I took my glasses off and lay back, allowing my eyes to close to slowly I drifted to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~
I woke up to the soft calling of my name; Gerard was outside my room, calling me and knocking on the door.
“Mikey its mom and dad, they wanna check that you’re actually in the house like I said you were.”
“Ok, ok I’m coming.” I grumbled. Reluctantly getting up, I knew that if my parents didn’t do their check up they’d decide to come home early and I really wasn’t ready to face them yet. I opened my door and grabbed the phone, ignoring the inquiring glance from Gerard.
After a brief conversation I hung up and handed the phone back to Gerard before returning to my bad and lying on it, my back to the door.
“Don’t just stand there Gerard,” I said after a while of sensing him there. “Either come inside or disappear.” Footsteps. The bed dipped to the side of me and I ignored the sense of déjà vu I was beginning to feel.
“Mikey, I-” Gerard began.
“What?”
“What h-happened?” he asked reluctantly.
I turned around to face him.
“What do you mean?” I inquired, narrowing my eyes.
“You know what I mean Mikey, what happened, why were you round there in the first place?”
I turned back around to face the wall.
“He phoned here, just after we found out how he knew. He had videoed us, used his camera phone. Said he would send it to everyone if I didn’t go round so I did.”
“And you never thought to tell me and we could’ve gone round together? What the hell was going on in your head?”
“I don’t know! I panicked! I didn’t want everyone finding out about us.”
“Then what happened..?”
“He took me down to the basement,” I whispered, hot tears filling my eyes. “He told me to strip. I didn’t want to but he forced me!” I cried, trying to defend myself. Gerard’s hand came to rest on my shoulder, soothingly stroking it. “He told me to suck him off. I refused but then…then he got out the knife. I-I didn’t know what to do Gee! I thought he was going to kill me!”
“It’s ok, you don’t have to continue.” Gerard said reassuringly. I shook my head; I needed to get this out.
“He pushed himself into my mouth, I-I could barely breathe, eventually he pulled out. I thought that that was it, it was all over but then he took his shirt off.”
I paused, taking a breathe. Could I really tell Gerard what had happened? I took his hand in mine and squeezed it tightly. Tears were rolling down my face but I made no move to stop them.
“He-he flipped m-me over,” I cried, whispering. “He pushed himself into me, no prep, nothing. I cried for him to stop, for someone to help me. I asked God to help me. He must’ve been asleep.”
I took a peek over my shoulder, seeing the heartbreaking look in Gerard’s eyes. He wouldn’t want me now. He knew what I’d done. I was tainted. He pitied me.
“He got the knife again, st-started cutting into m-me while he pushed into me, I could feel myself rip….I cried so hard I spewed, and was forced to lay there. Lay there and take it while he finished off!” I wailed, punching the wall opposite me.
“I-I don’t want to do this Gee.” I whispered, turning round and burying my face in his shirt. “I don’t want to face this. I can’t deal, every time I close my eyes all I hear is him grunting and moaning, all I see is his face. I don’t want him there.” I sobbed. I could feel myself shaking and noticed too, that Gerard was. He held me close and cried with me. Cried for me.
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