Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Lost In Middle Earth
Time 2v2 : Orthanc Fall Down, Go Boom
0 reviewsMerry and Pippin go for a wander in the woods......
-1Illiterate
"As a matter of fact - that is how we got here" Fred said with a smile "Would you like to hear the story?"
Cedric, Draco and Neville looked at each other for a moment, then shrugged.
"Why not?"
xoxox
As the orcs dragged Fred and George through the plains, they turned to stare at each other.
"Fred?"
"George?"
"Well" They said together "That's something new"
They stared at each other for a moment longer, then looked around.
"So - we are captured by orcs?" Fred asked.
"Yes"
"And we have no idea where anyone else is?"
"Yes"
"And we have no idea where we are?"
"Pretty much"
Fred paused for a moment, then an evil gleam came in to his eye.
"George, my boy?"
"Yes Fred?"
"Are we going to take this lying down?" A moment later, George smiled back at his brother.
"I fully agree"
xoxox
"Are we nearly there yet?"
"No"
"Are we nearly there yet?"
"No"
"Are we nearly there yet?"
"No"
"Are we nearly there yet?"
"Yes"
"Really?"
"No"
"Oh" Fred paused for a few moments "Mr Orc?"
"What?"
"Are we nearly there yet?"
"NO!" Ugluk turned to his second in command "Snagna?"
"Yes Boss?"
"Can we kill them?"
"Saruman said he needed them alive"
"Bugger"
"Are we nearly there yet?"
"ARGH!"
xoxox
"Fred?"
"Yes, George?"
"Can you hear music?" Fred cocked his head to one side, then his eyes widened.
"Why yes, George - I can" He continued to listen "Why would anyone be playing the William Tell Overture in Middle Earth?" He stared at George, who was paying no attention to him "George?"
"Maybe because Luna already used Bonanza and Robin Hood?" He smirked "And doesn't that guy in the lead kind of look like Bill?"
xoxox
"Boss?"
"Yes Snagna?"
"What the hell is that?"
"It looks like a group of white-skins on horses, riding across the plains to kill us to the tune of the William Tell Overture"
"Oh good. I thought I was going crazy" Snagna paused "Any chance we can get away?"
"Probably not" Ugluk sighed, then glanced across at Fred and George, who were smirking at each other "On the other hand - it does mean we don't have to drag them to Orthanc any more" He turned to his men "STAND AND FIGHT AND PROTECT THE LITTLE SHIRE-RATS"
"Yay!" Fred and George yelled.
"BUT IF WE LOOK LIKE WE WILL LOSE, KILL THE LITTLE BUGGERS"
"No!"
xoxox
"Tell me again why running in to the forest was a good idea?" They had broken their bonds, and, while the orcs were being merrily slaughtered by the knights of Rohan, they had fled in to the Forbidden Forrest.
"Because it was better than being merrily slaughtered by Bill and his merry men?" George stared around "Although possibly only marginally better"
"I know" Fred looked up at the ceiling of branches "So - where now?"
"I HAVE A FEW IDEAS" A voice boomed out from behind them.
xoxox
"So who was it?" Cedric asked.
"Professor Flitwick" Fred replied.
"Really?"
"No - not really"
xoxox
Fred and George stopped dead, then slowly turned.
"Now - who are you, and why is your hair that colour?"
"Hagrid?"
"Hagrid?" The giant stared down at them, with a curious look.
"Yes... I think that is what the Elves called me" Hagrid replied "But I haven't heard that name in... a very long time" He stared down at them "But you may call me that, if you wish"
"Do you have another name?"
"Yes - in my own language, I am called Arooorooarooogoograooo..."
xoxox
"...goroaogohouagoogoroaoogo..."
xoxox
"...aogorooaogooo"
There was a pause.
"So Hagrid - what are you?"
"I am an Ent" He stared around "Which is basically a walking, talking tree-like creature who patrols the forest and occasionally sings songs about nature"
"That figures" George whispered to Fred, who smiled.
"But that doesn't answer my question" Hagrid stared down at them "What are you? I don't think I have ever seen someone quite like you before"
"We are hobbits"
"That's not even a real word, is it" Hagrid glared at them.
"Holbytlan?"
"Nope"
"Halflings?"
"Nope"
"Ickle Firsties?"
"That'll do" He beamed down at them "So - what are you doing in my forest?"
"Well - it's a long story"
"Longer than my name?"
"Well - when you put it that way" Fred paused, then looked up "It started like this..."
Hermione awoke with a jerk. Which, she reflected, was not a very nice way to describe Harry...
xoxox
"Well - when you put it that way" Fred paused and then looked up "It started like this..."
Fred finished speaking, and looked up at the Ent.
"Wow" Hagrid smiled down "You have had an exciting time" He frowned "But Gandalf is dead?"
"Yes" George said, casting a glance at Fred, who blushed.
"And Boromir is dead?"
"Yes - but that totally wasn't my fault!" Fred yelled. George stared at him "But, of course, it's still a bad thing"
"And Saruman has betrayed The West?"
"Yes"
"Well - that sucks" Hagrid said "Anyway - come with me. We have things to do" He leaned over and picked them both up, then sat them on his shoulders.
"Don't you want to know our names?" George asked as they rode along.
"Nah - it will only make it worse when you die"
"But what if we don't die?" Fred asked curiously.
"You killed off a wizard and a prince of the realm and you haven't even reached the halfway point of the story" Hagrid gave a huge laugh "You really think you are going to make it to the end?"
xoxox
"You two midgets - wait here" Hagrid dumped them at the edge of a clearing "I have to go talk to the other trees" The twins watched him walk off.
"So - how are we going to trick him in to fighting Saruman?" George asked.
"I don't know" Fred shrugged "I suppose it will take a lot of planning, and cunning" George stared at him "Yeah - we're screwed"
"What if we..."
"No"
"Or what if we..."
"No"
"Maybe we could..."
"No"
"Well - as long as we have explored all the options" George smirked "Oh - I know... here's what we do..."
xoxox
"Wow!" Fred yelled "That is the most amazing, intricate and ingenious plan I have ever heard" He bounced up and down on his heels "I can't see how it could possibly fail!"
"Come on doormice - we are going to storm Isengard" The twins stared up at him "What?"
"We had this plan!!" George added.
"It was amazing, intricate and ingenious!!!" Fred yelled.
"We were going to trick you into fighting..."
"Trick me?" Hagrid stared at them "Why would you need to trick me? Saruman is chopping down trees!! You think we would just let this go?"
"Er... yes?" Fred asked. Hagrid stared at him, then slapped him across the back of the head.
"We are going to war" Hagrid yelled "Against a wizard that can throw fire, and has ten gajillion orcs with axes, and is far more powerful than all of us put together..." He trailed off "Well - we are still going to war!"
xoxox
"We marched on Isengard, and..." Fred shivered.
"What?" Draco asked.
"Hagrid started singing"
xoxox
"To Isengard we come! With midgets that are dumb!"
"Hey!"
"Sorry"
xoxox
"To Isengard we come! To kick Saruman's bum! Until it's totally numb-umb-umb"
"Numb-umb-umb?"
"It's a word"
xoxox
"To Isengard we come! With lots and lots of rum!"
"Lots of rum?"
"You think we'd fight him sober?"
xoxox
"Now - you two wait here, and we will go deal with the walls" Hagrid set the twins down, then started to walk away.
"We can't help?" Fred asked.
"Can you lift two tonnes of stone with your bare hands?" Hagrid asked.
"No"
"Can you kill a dozen orcs with a single flick of your wrist?"
"No"
"Can you..."
"Okay - we get the idea"
xoxox
"Hey - gophers?" Hagrid yelled across the field.
"HOBBITS!" The twins yelled back.
"Whatever" Hagrid lumbered up to them "What's with telling me Gandalf's dead?"
"He is!" Fred replied "I pushed him in to the big, endless abyss of doom myself!" He paused "Wait... that came out wrong"
"But if Gandalf is dead, then who is THAT?" He pointed over their shoulders. They turned, then Fred turned back.
"That's your brother"
"Oh yeah" He turned and pointed down the river "Then who is that?"
"That's a tree"
"Really?" Hagrid stared "I guess it is. Then he turned and pointed in to the east "Then who is THAT?"
"Thats..." George squinted in to the rising sun, then blinked "Well - bugger me"
"What?" Fred turned, then smiled as Luna rode up on the back of Shadowfax "Luna - I thought you were dead"
"I got better" She glared down at him "And don't think I have forgotten what you did, Pippin!" Fred paled, then sagged in relief as she turned to Hagrid "I need your huorns"
"Why?"
"Because otherwise the stars of the story will die horribly"
"Fair enough"
xoxox
"And that's pretty much it" Fred finished the story, but George turned and glared at him "Well - almost"
"Almost?" Neville smirked "What aren't you telling us?" George opened his mouth, but Fred cut him off.
"Nothing!" He said firmly "Nothing happened, and I absolutely did not accidentally open one of the gates and let ten thousand orcs escape to the east" They all stared down at him "What are you staring at?"
(half an hour later)
Luna rode up to the remains of the gates of the wall, then stared up.
"Pippin?"
"Yes, Gandalf?"
"Why are you hanging from the gates by your underwear, with the words 'I am too stupid to live' written across your forehead?"
"No reason"
"Okay" She looked back at the road, and rode on.
Cedric, Draco and Neville looked at each other for a moment, then shrugged.
"Why not?"
xoxox
As the orcs dragged Fred and George through the plains, they turned to stare at each other.
"Fred?"
"George?"
"Well" They said together "That's something new"
They stared at each other for a moment longer, then looked around.
"So - we are captured by orcs?" Fred asked.
"Yes"
"And we have no idea where anyone else is?"
"Yes"
"And we have no idea where we are?"
"Pretty much"
Fred paused for a moment, then an evil gleam came in to his eye.
"George, my boy?"
"Yes Fred?"
"Are we going to take this lying down?" A moment later, George smiled back at his brother.
"I fully agree"
xoxox
"Are we nearly there yet?"
"No"
"Are we nearly there yet?"
"No"
"Are we nearly there yet?"
"No"
"Are we nearly there yet?"
"Yes"
"Really?"
"No"
"Oh" Fred paused for a few moments "Mr Orc?"
"What?"
"Are we nearly there yet?"
"NO!" Ugluk turned to his second in command "Snagna?"
"Yes Boss?"
"Can we kill them?"
"Saruman said he needed them alive"
"Bugger"
"Are we nearly there yet?"
"ARGH!"
xoxox
"Fred?"
"Yes, George?"
"Can you hear music?" Fred cocked his head to one side, then his eyes widened.
"Why yes, George - I can" He continued to listen "Why would anyone be playing the William Tell Overture in Middle Earth?" He stared at George, who was paying no attention to him "George?"
"Maybe because Luna already used Bonanza and Robin Hood?" He smirked "And doesn't that guy in the lead kind of look like Bill?"
xoxox
"Boss?"
"Yes Snagna?"
"What the hell is that?"
"It looks like a group of white-skins on horses, riding across the plains to kill us to the tune of the William Tell Overture"
"Oh good. I thought I was going crazy" Snagna paused "Any chance we can get away?"
"Probably not" Ugluk sighed, then glanced across at Fred and George, who were smirking at each other "On the other hand - it does mean we don't have to drag them to Orthanc any more" He turned to his men "STAND AND FIGHT AND PROTECT THE LITTLE SHIRE-RATS"
"Yay!" Fred and George yelled.
"BUT IF WE LOOK LIKE WE WILL LOSE, KILL THE LITTLE BUGGERS"
"No!"
xoxox
"Tell me again why running in to the forest was a good idea?" They had broken their bonds, and, while the orcs were being merrily slaughtered by the knights of Rohan, they had fled in to the Forbidden Forrest.
"Because it was better than being merrily slaughtered by Bill and his merry men?" George stared around "Although possibly only marginally better"
"I know" Fred looked up at the ceiling of branches "So - where now?"
"I HAVE A FEW IDEAS" A voice boomed out from behind them.
xoxox
"So who was it?" Cedric asked.
"Professor Flitwick" Fred replied.
"Really?"
"No - not really"
xoxox
Fred and George stopped dead, then slowly turned.
"Now - who are you, and why is your hair that colour?"
"Hagrid?"
"Hagrid?" The giant stared down at them, with a curious look.
"Yes... I think that is what the Elves called me" Hagrid replied "But I haven't heard that name in... a very long time" He stared down at them "But you may call me that, if you wish"
"Do you have another name?"
"Yes - in my own language, I am called Arooorooarooogoograooo..."
xoxox
"...goroaogohouagoogoroaoogo..."
xoxox
"...aogorooaogooo"
There was a pause.
"So Hagrid - what are you?"
"I am an Ent" He stared around "Which is basically a walking, talking tree-like creature who patrols the forest and occasionally sings songs about nature"
"That figures" George whispered to Fred, who smiled.
"But that doesn't answer my question" Hagrid stared down at them "What are you? I don't think I have ever seen someone quite like you before"
"We are hobbits"
"That's not even a real word, is it" Hagrid glared at them.
"Holbytlan?"
"Nope"
"Halflings?"
"Nope"
"Ickle Firsties?"
"That'll do" He beamed down at them "So - what are you doing in my forest?"
"Well - it's a long story"
"Longer than my name?"
"Well - when you put it that way" Fred paused, then looked up "It started like this..."
Hermione awoke with a jerk. Which, she reflected, was not a very nice way to describe Harry...
xoxox
"Well - when you put it that way" Fred paused and then looked up "It started like this..."
Fred finished speaking, and looked up at the Ent.
"Wow" Hagrid smiled down "You have had an exciting time" He frowned "But Gandalf is dead?"
"Yes" George said, casting a glance at Fred, who blushed.
"And Boromir is dead?"
"Yes - but that totally wasn't my fault!" Fred yelled. George stared at him "But, of course, it's still a bad thing"
"And Saruman has betrayed The West?"
"Yes"
"Well - that sucks" Hagrid said "Anyway - come with me. We have things to do" He leaned over and picked them both up, then sat them on his shoulders.
"Don't you want to know our names?" George asked as they rode along.
"Nah - it will only make it worse when you die"
"But what if we don't die?" Fred asked curiously.
"You killed off a wizard and a prince of the realm and you haven't even reached the halfway point of the story" Hagrid gave a huge laugh "You really think you are going to make it to the end?"
xoxox
"You two midgets - wait here" Hagrid dumped them at the edge of a clearing "I have to go talk to the other trees" The twins watched him walk off.
"So - how are we going to trick him in to fighting Saruman?" George asked.
"I don't know" Fred shrugged "I suppose it will take a lot of planning, and cunning" George stared at him "Yeah - we're screwed"
"What if we..."
"No"
"Or what if we..."
"No"
"Maybe we could..."
"No"
"Well - as long as we have explored all the options" George smirked "Oh - I know... here's what we do..."
xoxox
"Wow!" Fred yelled "That is the most amazing, intricate and ingenious plan I have ever heard" He bounced up and down on his heels "I can't see how it could possibly fail!"
"Come on doormice - we are going to storm Isengard" The twins stared up at him "What?"
"We had this plan!!" George added.
"It was amazing, intricate and ingenious!!!" Fred yelled.
"We were going to trick you into fighting..."
"Trick me?" Hagrid stared at them "Why would you need to trick me? Saruman is chopping down trees!! You think we would just let this go?"
"Er... yes?" Fred asked. Hagrid stared at him, then slapped him across the back of the head.
"We are going to war" Hagrid yelled "Against a wizard that can throw fire, and has ten gajillion orcs with axes, and is far more powerful than all of us put together..." He trailed off "Well - we are still going to war!"
xoxox
"We marched on Isengard, and..." Fred shivered.
"What?" Draco asked.
"Hagrid started singing"
xoxox
"To Isengard we come! With midgets that are dumb!"
"Hey!"
"Sorry"
xoxox
"To Isengard we come! To kick Saruman's bum! Until it's totally numb-umb-umb"
"Numb-umb-umb?"
"It's a word"
xoxox
"To Isengard we come! With lots and lots of rum!"
"Lots of rum?"
"You think we'd fight him sober?"
xoxox
"Now - you two wait here, and we will go deal with the walls" Hagrid set the twins down, then started to walk away.
"We can't help?" Fred asked.
"Can you lift two tonnes of stone with your bare hands?" Hagrid asked.
"No"
"Can you kill a dozen orcs with a single flick of your wrist?"
"No"
"Can you..."
"Okay - we get the idea"
xoxox
"Hey - gophers?" Hagrid yelled across the field.
"HOBBITS!" The twins yelled back.
"Whatever" Hagrid lumbered up to them "What's with telling me Gandalf's dead?"
"He is!" Fred replied "I pushed him in to the big, endless abyss of doom myself!" He paused "Wait... that came out wrong"
"But if Gandalf is dead, then who is THAT?" He pointed over their shoulders. They turned, then Fred turned back.
"That's your brother"
"Oh yeah" He turned and pointed down the river "Then who is that?"
"That's a tree"
"Really?" Hagrid stared "I guess it is. Then he turned and pointed in to the east "Then who is THAT?"
"Thats..." George squinted in to the rising sun, then blinked "Well - bugger me"
"What?" Fred turned, then smiled as Luna rode up on the back of Shadowfax "Luna - I thought you were dead"
"I got better" She glared down at him "And don't think I have forgotten what you did, Pippin!" Fred paled, then sagged in relief as she turned to Hagrid "I need your huorns"
"Why?"
"Because otherwise the stars of the story will die horribly"
"Fair enough"
xoxox
"And that's pretty much it" Fred finished the story, but George turned and glared at him "Well - almost"
"Almost?" Neville smirked "What aren't you telling us?" George opened his mouth, but Fred cut him off.
"Nothing!" He said firmly "Nothing happened, and I absolutely did not accidentally open one of the gates and let ten thousand orcs escape to the east" They all stared down at him "What are you staring at?"
(half an hour later)
Luna rode up to the remains of the gates of the wall, then stared up.
"Pippin?"
"Yes, Gandalf?"
"Why are you hanging from the gates by your underwear, with the words 'I am too stupid to live' written across your forehead?"
"No reason"
"Okay" She looked back at the road, and rode on.
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