Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Lost In Middle Earth
Shiny White Telephones
0 reviewsAfter the fall of Orthanc, Gandalf and her allies confront Saruman.....
0Unrated
Luna walked to the front of the group and stared at the assembled people.
"First thing's first - I realise that Pippin can be really annoying but you can't keep stringing him up by the nards. We might need him as cannon fodder in the future, and it will be a lot easier if we are nice to him now"
"I'm right here you know" Fred yelled. Luna stared at him, then waved her staff in his direction.
"Obliviate!" She smiled "What were you saying?"
"I can't remember" Fred shrugged.
"Well - it probably wasn't important" Luna smiled "Secondly - we have to go and talk to Saruman..." She paused at the explosion of comments that poured forth from the group "Guys - I know it seems like a waste of time, and it probably will be, but he was one of us once, and we should at least talk to him before we throw him to the sharks"
"What do you think you will gain?" Eomer asked.
"Probably nothing, but you never know" She paused and looked around "I do have to warn you - he is a not a nice guy. He is a wizard, and he can do magic..."
"Magic?" George asked.
"Magic" Luna replied "Magic a rabbit, eight feet high"
"Seriously?"
"Oh yeah" She smiled fondly "Back in Valinor - the five of us had a business doing parties for Elven children" She got a far-away look in her eyes, then shook her head when she realised everyone was staring at her "Sorry. Just remembering Feanor's eleventh birthday party. We got Pallando The Blue so drunk..." She trailed off "Anyway - as I was saying - Saruman is dangerous"
"Pfght!" Fred snorted "He is trapped on the top floor of a tower. What can he do to us? Cast a spell?" Luna stared at him for a moment, then whipped her staff up at an alarming speed. A moment later, Fred jumped to his feet, clutching at his groin.
"Need I say more?" She asked. Fred shook his head, and Luna smiled "Then I will continue" She turned back "Be wary, and pay attention. He will try every trick he has..."
"Even the eight foot rabbit?" George asked, then shuffled back when Luna glared at him "Just asking"
"Is everyone ready?"
"Yes Miss Gandalf"
"Good. Then lets go"
xoxox
"SARUMAN" Luna bellowed up at the tower of Orthanc "COME HERE"
"What do you want?" A voice came back, and both Theoden and Eomer went red with anger.
"I know that voice" Arthur said.
"Well duh" Luna replied "Where did you think he was going to run to?" She looked back at the tower "SNIVELLUS!"
"Don't call me that!" Snape's head appeared in a window at the top of the tower, as he yelled down "And what do you want? Haven't you done enough to us already?"
"We didn't come here to talk with you, Snivellus" Luna yelled back "Bring Saruman here now, or I will make you sorry"
"You? How will you make me... nurk!" His head vanished, and Luna brought her staff back down by her side again.
"Are you going to bring him here now? Or shall we go through this again?" She yelled up.
"Give... give me a minute" There was a pause "And let me get an ice-pack"
xoxox
"Why do you bother me?" Saruman's voice drifted down from the top of the tower "Can't I rest in peace?"
"No" Luna said, and although her voice was soft, it echoed through the vale "You have much to answer for, Saruman"
"I do, do I?" Pettigrew replied "Then give me a minute, and I will come down and hand myself over to you?"
"Really?" Arthur asked.
"No, not really" Pettigrew and Luna replied in unison. The others stared at her for a moment, and she shrugged "We both went to the same school of wizardry"
"Oh" Draco said "Well - that explains it" The others nodded in understanding. Luna smirked, then turned back to the tower.
"Are you going to come down here, or do I have to come up there and get you?"
"Why should I?" Pettigrew's voice was hard "This tower is not without its defences, and I can kill you all with my brain" Suddenly his voice softened "Why should we not work together? I have learned my lesson - Sauron bad, Gandalf good, Mordor bad, Gondor good, Coke bad... no that's not right..." He trailed off, then continued "Will you not come up, so that we can talk peace?"
The group looked at each other, then back up at the tower.
"I know we have had our disagreements, King Of Rohan, but do you not see how we could be a power in these lands? We could defeat Sauron, then make all your people safe, for as long as your lands will last"
The group looked at each other again, then back up at the tower.
"Will you not come up?" Pettigrew's voice echoed through their brains, until each one thought that the others would betray them. Then there was a laugh from the right that shocked them all out of their daze. They all turned to stare at Fred.
"What?" Luna said.
"'Saruman's abroad'" Fred giggled hysterically "Sorry - I just got it" Luna smirked at him, then turned back.
"We are done here" She glared up at the top of the tower "Saruman - either come down now, or pay the price"
"What price is that?"
"THIS PRICE" Luna's yelled at the top of her voice, causing everyone to cover their ears "SARUMAN - I CAST YOU OUT OF THE ORDER. I BREAK YOUR STAFF. I REVOKE YOUR PARKING PRIVILEGES AND I STRIP YOU OF YOUR ORDER OF MANWE FIRST CLASS FOR SERVICES TO ELVES"
"Is that the best you can do?" Pettigrew yelled back defiantly.
"NO" Luna smiled, and everyone watching her shuddered "I ALSO BANISH YOU FROM THE TUFTY CLUB"
"Noooooooooooooooo!!!"
xoxox
"Well - that went well" Cedric said as the group walked away.
"Eh - he was always stubborn" Luna sighed "Even as a child, he always had to be right" She looked around "But, I can't help thinking we have forgotten something" Suddenly, a large, shiny white ball fell out of the sky, and landed on George's head. He fell over, and the ball rolled off to the right "Thank you" She turned "Pippin - go get that, and don't look in to it because it will be very bad"
"Yes Gandalf"
(ten seconds later)
"GARGH!"
"Why do I even bother?"
xoxox
"Saruon corrupted Saruman using that?" Neville asked, staring at the shiny white ball "And you want to keep it?" He glared at Cedric.
"It's mine"
"Really?"
"Yes"
"You own an evil, shiny, white, magic telephone ball thing?"
"Yes" Cedric replied.
"Being a King is a lot stranger than I thought"
"True" Cedric turned to Luna "So what did Pippin manage to do this time?"
"Actually - he did good" Luna smirked at the looks of surprise on their faces "I know it's a surprise - but if it helps, he did it by accident"
"And the world makes sense again!" Draco smiled "Thank god for that"
"Thanks to our hapless hobbit, Sauron is now scared that Saruman has betrayed him, and so it will delay his eventual attack on Gondor"
"Which is good?"
"Yes" Luna said "Well - mostly" She shrugged "It does mean that the ring wraiths will be coming here pretty soon, so we have to leave"
"Ah"
"And, when Strider stared in to the big, shiny, white ball of doom, he saw a huge, massive fleet sailing up to Minas Tirith. Which we won't be able to stop in time, and which will over-run the city and kill everyone there"
"Oh"
"And there is a wild moose stampede coming from The Lonely Mountain"
"Really?" Theoden asked, then held his hand up "Don't tell me - no, not really" Luna smirked at him, then turned to the others.
"See - he gets me"
"So - what do we do?" Draco asked "And can it involve getting rid of Pippin?"
"Why yes, Legolas, I think it can" Luna smiled beatifically at him.
"Really?" Draco looked at her cautiously "This isn't some kind of sick joke?"
"Just this once, I am serious" She smiled, then looked around "Pippin is going to come with me, for I am going to Minas Tirith. We might not be able to stop the ship attacking them, but at least we can let them know they are all going to die"
"Why me?"
"Because it is the best way to keep you out of trouble, and if you are on a horse with me, you can't accidentally kill us all" She paused, then muttered "Although I wouldn't put it past you"
"Fair enough"
"Theoden is going to ride back to The Golden Hall taking secret paths, so that the Ring Wraiths..."
"Now there are Ring Wraiths?" George moaned.
"Its another name for Black Riders" Draco whispered.
"Oh"
"...so that the Ring Wraiths won't catch them" Luna turned to George "You are going to go with them"
"Why can't I come with you?"
"Because I say so" She leaned over him with an evil smile "Would you rather come with me?" George stared at up at her, then shrunk back.
"No - I'll go with King Theoden"
"Good" She turned to the last three members of the group "Legolas, Gimli - Aragorn wants you to go with him to Dunharrow as fast as possible, so that you can hopefully find a way to stop the big ship attack"
"Okay" Neville replied.
"Sounds found" Draco added. Luna and Cedric looked at each other, and smirked "What?"
"Oh - nothing" Cedric smiled "It's all good" Draco stared at him for a moment, then shrugged.
"Okay"
"Excellent" Luna rubbed her hands together "Now the whole Fellowship is ready to go" She paused "Why do I get the feeling that I have forgotten someone?"
"First thing's first - I realise that Pippin can be really annoying but you can't keep stringing him up by the nards. We might need him as cannon fodder in the future, and it will be a lot easier if we are nice to him now"
"I'm right here you know" Fred yelled. Luna stared at him, then waved her staff in his direction.
"Obliviate!" She smiled "What were you saying?"
"I can't remember" Fred shrugged.
"Well - it probably wasn't important" Luna smiled "Secondly - we have to go and talk to Saruman..." She paused at the explosion of comments that poured forth from the group "Guys - I know it seems like a waste of time, and it probably will be, but he was one of us once, and we should at least talk to him before we throw him to the sharks"
"What do you think you will gain?" Eomer asked.
"Probably nothing, but you never know" She paused and looked around "I do have to warn you - he is a not a nice guy. He is a wizard, and he can do magic..."
"Magic?" George asked.
"Magic" Luna replied "Magic a rabbit, eight feet high"
"Seriously?"
"Oh yeah" She smiled fondly "Back in Valinor - the five of us had a business doing parties for Elven children" She got a far-away look in her eyes, then shook her head when she realised everyone was staring at her "Sorry. Just remembering Feanor's eleventh birthday party. We got Pallando The Blue so drunk..." She trailed off "Anyway - as I was saying - Saruman is dangerous"
"Pfght!" Fred snorted "He is trapped on the top floor of a tower. What can he do to us? Cast a spell?" Luna stared at him for a moment, then whipped her staff up at an alarming speed. A moment later, Fred jumped to his feet, clutching at his groin.
"Need I say more?" She asked. Fred shook his head, and Luna smiled "Then I will continue" She turned back "Be wary, and pay attention. He will try every trick he has..."
"Even the eight foot rabbit?" George asked, then shuffled back when Luna glared at him "Just asking"
"Is everyone ready?"
"Yes Miss Gandalf"
"Good. Then lets go"
xoxox
"SARUMAN" Luna bellowed up at the tower of Orthanc "COME HERE"
"What do you want?" A voice came back, and both Theoden and Eomer went red with anger.
"I know that voice" Arthur said.
"Well duh" Luna replied "Where did you think he was going to run to?" She looked back at the tower "SNIVELLUS!"
"Don't call me that!" Snape's head appeared in a window at the top of the tower, as he yelled down "And what do you want? Haven't you done enough to us already?"
"We didn't come here to talk with you, Snivellus" Luna yelled back "Bring Saruman here now, or I will make you sorry"
"You? How will you make me... nurk!" His head vanished, and Luna brought her staff back down by her side again.
"Are you going to bring him here now? Or shall we go through this again?" She yelled up.
"Give... give me a minute" There was a pause "And let me get an ice-pack"
xoxox
"Why do you bother me?" Saruman's voice drifted down from the top of the tower "Can't I rest in peace?"
"No" Luna said, and although her voice was soft, it echoed through the vale "You have much to answer for, Saruman"
"I do, do I?" Pettigrew replied "Then give me a minute, and I will come down and hand myself over to you?"
"Really?" Arthur asked.
"No, not really" Pettigrew and Luna replied in unison. The others stared at her for a moment, and she shrugged "We both went to the same school of wizardry"
"Oh" Draco said "Well - that explains it" The others nodded in understanding. Luna smirked, then turned back to the tower.
"Are you going to come down here, or do I have to come up there and get you?"
"Why should I?" Pettigrew's voice was hard "This tower is not without its defences, and I can kill you all with my brain" Suddenly his voice softened "Why should we not work together? I have learned my lesson - Sauron bad, Gandalf good, Mordor bad, Gondor good, Coke bad... no that's not right..." He trailed off, then continued "Will you not come up, so that we can talk peace?"
The group looked at each other, then back up at the tower.
"I know we have had our disagreements, King Of Rohan, but do you not see how we could be a power in these lands? We could defeat Sauron, then make all your people safe, for as long as your lands will last"
The group looked at each other again, then back up at the tower.
"Will you not come up?" Pettigrew's voice echoed through their brains, until each one thought that the others would betray them. Then there was a laugh from the right that shocked them all out of their daze. They all turned to stare at Fred.
"What?" Luna said.
"'Saruman's abroad'" Fred giggled hysterically "Sorry - I just got it" Luna smirked at him, then turned back.
"We are done here" She glared up at the top of the tower "Saruman - either come down now, or pay the price"
"What price is that?"
"THIS PRICE" Luna's yelled at the top of her voice, causing everyone to cover their ears "SARUMAN - I CAST YOU OUT OF THE ORDER. I BREAK YOUR STAFF. I REVOKE YOUR PARKING PRIVILEGES AND I STRIP YOU OF YOUR ORDER OF MANWE FIRST CLASS FOR SERVICES TO ELVES"
"Is that the best you can do?" Pettigrew yelled back defiantly.
"NO" Luna smiled, and everyone watching her shuddered "I ALSO BANISH YOU FROM THE TUFTY CLUB"
"Noooooooooooooooo!!!"
xoxox
"Well - that went well" Cedric said as the group walked away.
"Eh - he was always stubborn" Luna sighed "Even as a child, he always had to be right" She looked around "But, I can't help thinking we have forgotten something" Suddenly, a large, shiny white ball fell out of the sky, and landed on George's head. He fell over, and the ball rolled off to the right "Thank you" She turned "Pippin - go get that, and don't look in to it because it will be very bad"
"Yes Gandalf"
(ten seconds later)
"GARGH!"
"Why do I even bother?"
xoxox
"Saruon corrupted Saruman using that?" Neville asked, staring at the shiny white ball "And you want to keep it?" He glared at Cedric.
"It's mine"
"Really?"
"Yes"
"You own an evil, shiny, white, magic telephone ball thing?"
"Yes" Cedric replied.
"Being a King is a lot stranger than I thought"
"True" Cedric turned to Luna "So what did Pippin manage to do this time?"
"Actually - he did good" Luna smirked at the looks of surprise on their faces "I know it's a surprise - but if it helps, he did it by accident"
"And the world makes sense again!" Draco smiled "Thank god for that"
"Thanks to our hapless hobbit, Sauron is now scared that Saruman has betrayed him, and so it will delay his eventual attack on Gondor"
"Which is good?"
"Yes" Luna said "Well - mostly" She shrugged "It does mean that the ring wraiths will be coming here pretty soon, so we have to leave"
"Ah"
"And, when Strider stared in to the big, shiny, white ball of doom, he saw a huge, massive fleet sailing up to Minas Tirith. Which we won't be able to stop in time, and which will over-run the city and kill everyone there"
"Oh"
"And there is a wild moose stampede coming from The Lonely Mountain"
"Really?" Theoden asked, then held his hand up "Don't tell me - no, not really" Luna smirked at him, then turned to the others.
"See - he gets me"
"So - what do we do?" Draco asked "And can it involve getting rid of Pippin?"
"Why yes, Legolas, I think it can" Luna smiled beatifically at him.
"Really?" Draco looked at her cautiously "This isn't some kind of sick joke?"
"Just this once, I am serious" She smiled, then looked around "Pippin is going to come with me, for I am going to Minas Tirith. We might not be able to stop the ship attacking them, but at least we can let them know they are all going to die"
"Why me?"
"Because it is the best way to keep you out of trouble, and if you are on a horse with me, you can't accidentally kill us all" She paused, then muttered "Although I wouldn't put it past you"
"Fair enough"
"Theoden is going to ride back to The Golden Hall taking secret paths, so that the Ring Wraiths..."
"Now there are Ring Wraiths?" George moaned.
"Its another name for Black Riders" Draco whispered.
"Oh"
"...so that the Ring Wraiths won't catch them" Luna turned to George "You are going to go with them"
"Why can't I come with you?"
"Because I say so" She leaned over him with an evil smile "Would you rather come with me?" George stared at up at her, then shrunk back.
"No - I'll go with King Theoden"
"Good" She turned to the last three members of the group "Legolas, Gimli - Aragorn wants you to go with him to Dunharrow as fast as possible, so that you can hopefully find a way to stop the big ship attack"
"Okay" Neville replied.
"Sounds found" Draco added. Luna and Cedric looked at each other, and smirked "What?"
"Oh - nothing" Cedric smiled "It's all good" Draco stared at him for a moment, then shrugged.
"Okay"
"Excellent" Luna rubbed her hands together "Now the whole Fellowship is ready to go" She paused "Why do I get the feeling that I have forgotten someone?"
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