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"Excellent" Luna rubbed her hands together "Now the whole Fellowship is ready to go" She paused "Why do I get the feeling that I have forgotten someone?"

xoxox

Dear Diary,

From what I remember of the book (it's been a while since I last read it - turns out that doing magic is far more fun than reading about others doing magic) the first half of the journey was mostly long and dull, consisting of Sam and I tramping through the wilderness, sometimes accompanied by Gollum, until we get all the way to The Black Gate, then decide we can't get through that way, and end up walking back the way we came to go south instead. Not to mention the horrible tortures that get inflicted on Sam.

What?

Just kidding. Today is the first day we have been on our own, and we have a month to get to Mount Doom. Which should be pretty easy, given that we are going to take a bit of a short cut.

We are?

Damn right we are. How would it look if I, The Smartest Witch Of My Generation...

Modest today, aren't we?

...walked hundreds of miles out of our way to go to a gate we can't get through, just to turn around and come back? I would never live it down.

Couldn't we use Al...

No, we can't use Alohamora. We are hobbits with no magic, remember?

Oh yeah. I forgot about that.

I thought as much.

Hold on.

What?

You woke me up by spraying me with water from your wand.

Did I?

Yes - you did, so stop trying to look all innocent as if butter wouldn't melt. If you can't do magic, how did you do that?

Luna explained it to me in Rivendell. It seems that while we were outside the narrative, we could do magic, but once the story started with A LONG EXPECTED PARTY (damn it, I wish it would stop doing that) then we were bound in to the book. It was also when she gave me this diary with the transcription quill.

I don't remember her doing that? Where was I?

I don't know. Mooning over Cho?

Oh yeah - now I remember.

If it makes you feel better, the special edition of the story will show a lot of scenes that were missed out, just to sort out any confusion that might occur.

Cool.

Anyway, I was saying, we are setting off on our own. And although we don't have to put up with Fred and George, I can't help thinking this isn't going to be much fun.

So, on the whole, you'd rather be W.G.Grace?

Not exactly what I was thinking, but it'll do.

xoxox

Dear Diary,

There is a lot to be said for fresh air and lots of exercise. It keeps you fit, and as much as I love Hogwarts, there isn't much of a physical fitness program there.

What about Quidditch?

I don't play.

And being chased by dementors, and basilisks, and trolls?

Okay - there isn't much of an ORGANISED fitness program. So this is kind of a nice break.

But?

What makes you think there is a but?

You have a but-face.

PARDON ME?

That sounded so much better in my head.

I'm sure it did. But you are right, there is a but. Well - another but aside from that one. For all the up side of the walking and lack of pollution in the air, sleeping on the ground, with rocks and stuff poking me is something I could do with out.

Me too. You would have thought Luna could have conjured us a bed or something.

I will make sure to ask her about it when we get back.

I thought she died.

She did.

So...

It didn't take.

Fair enough.

Anyway - we are well on in our journey, and have yet to encounter Gollum, but I a... JESUS CHRIST!

xoxox

Dear Diary,

We found Gollum.

xoxox

Dear Diary,

Gollum decided to announce his presence by jumping out of a bush and trying to grab the ring. And since the ring is on a chain round my neck, Harry got the wrong idea about what was going on.

Can you blame me?

No, not really. But did you have to kick him so hard between the legs?

It worked, didn't it?

Well - yes. But I might want to have kids with him some day, and for that to happen, certain parts of his anatomy have to be working properly... why are you staring at me like that?

You? And Ron? Really?

Why not?

You fight. You bicker. You can't stand him being a lazy, arrogant, jealous pig of a boy.

And?

Well said. So - you were saying about Gollum?

Well - after we got the misunderstanding sorted out, and Ron was able to walk again...

I said I was sorry

... he said he would guide us to a secret path in to Mordor. And since he is so trustworthy and would never betray his best friends (and stop giving me that look, Mr Potter) I said we would follow him. I just hope this will end up better than last time. And if you were really sorry, you wouldn't have been smirking when you apologised.

Bugger. I didn't think you'd noticed that.

xoxox

Dear Diary,

While Hermione is sleeping, I have decided to surprise her with some good old fashioned camp-fire cooking. Seems that the Dursleys taught me some useful skills. I mean - aside from how to take a punch, and fall asleep in the smallest spaces, because I am going to cook up a rabbit stew.

Harry! How could you! You know how much I like rabbits!

Well - that's why I started doing it while you were asleep. Because now it's almost done, it would be a bit of a mistake to waste it, wouldn't it?

I suppose... oh my gosh, they do smell good.

That's my girl.

Your girl? When did I become your girl?

Figure of speech.

And, now that I come to think of it, why don't you show the same deference that Sam does in the book?

Are you sure you want me to?

It might be nice, once in a while.

You want me to call you Mistress Frodo?

Well - now that you come to mention it, maybe just Frodo is fine.

Are you sure? Cause the way you tied Ron up...

Stop it. Now.

Yes Mistress.

I hate you.

xoxox

Dear Diary,

As much as I hate to admit it, Harry's rabbit stew was really quite nice. I feel a lot better than I have in a while, even if it does mean I am not going to be able to face Plato and Socrates when I get home. I have left him to deal the fire...was that a bird call? As I was saying, I have left him to deal with the fire... oh dear. That's not good.

xoxox

Harry heard footsteps behind him, and smiled.

"Hermione - you really should learn to tread a little lighter. I could hear you coming a mile away"

"Who's Hermione?" A deep voice said. Harry span round, and came face to face with two swords. A moment later he saw Hermione being escorted back to their little camp by another two men with swords.

"Hey-ho" He smiled at her.

"Are you calling me a ho?" She pretended to glare at him. But before he could reply, one of the soldiers interrupted.

"Who are you? And what are you doing in the realm of Gondor? And why are you so small?"

"We are just travelers" Hermione replied calmly "We just stopped to rest, and would now like to be on our way"

"Where's the other one?"

"What other one?"

"The skulking one with the flaming hair"

"Oh - he's about somewhere. Can we go now?"

"I'm afraid not" The guard gave them an evil smile "Since you are abroad in our realm without the leave of The Steward, you must explain yourself to our Captain"

"Oh joy" Harry muttered under his breath, but Hermione was smiling.

"Very well. Lead on, MacDuff"

"My name is Anborn"

"Never mind" Hermione sighed, then muttered "I might have guessed they wouldn't have heard of it"

xoxox

Half an hour later, Anborn brought them to a halt.

"Forgive me, but I must blindfold you" He looked down at them.

"Why?"

"No one, not even Theoden's men, may see this part"

"So you are not going to take funny photographs of us?"

"Well - yes. But only as a side venture"

xoxox

"Our Captain, Faramir of Gondor" The two hobbits blinked as the blindfolds came off, and they stared up at the man in front of them.

"Greetings" Faramir smiled down at them. The two hobbits stared back for a moment, then turned to each other.

"So we are just missing Bill and Ginny?" Harry asked.

"They'll be about somewhere" Hermione replied, then turned back to the second of the Weasley brothers "Would I be right in thinking you are related to Boromir?"

"He was my brother, and our Captain-General" Charlie replied "How did you know him?"

"He was one of our companions when we set out from Rivendell" Hermione replied, then looked up suddenly "What do you mean was?"

"He's dead. His body was found in a boat on the river a few days back, his horn and sword resting on either side of him" He glared down at them "I don't suppose you know how he died?"

"Nope" Harry said "He attacked Frodo. She ran a way, and then we came here" He turned to Hermione, who had a horrified look on her face "Fro?"

"If Boromir died, what hope do we have that the rest of our company survived?" She realised Harry was staring at her in disbelief "What?"

"For someone who claims to be The Smartest Witch, you really need to use logic more often" He smirked.

"Why?"

"Who do you think put him in the boat? With the horn and sword? Can you really see the orcs or the nazgul doing that?" He smirked at her again as she blushed a deep red.

"Oh yeah. Didn't think of that" She looked at up at Faramir again "So - can we go now?"

"Not until you give me a reason why I shouldn't take you back to Minas Tirith and turn you over to my father"

"Because this is a parody of the book, where you are a kind and decent man, and not the film, where you are a bit of a twat" Hermione said with a friendly smile.

"Okay - that's a good enough reason" He looked over at Anborn "Was there anything else?"

"The little toad-thing is in the pond" The soldier said.

"Thank you" Faramir turned back "Your little frog-creature has come to the forbidden pond. Do you want me to let him go?"

"If you could" Harry sighed "He is a nasty, evil, venal, treacherous creature, but we have need of him in the future"

"Really?"

"He is going to save the world" Hermione said, then - at the disbelieving looks on everyone's faces - she added "Seriously"