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"So um what's up?," Ray's awkward shadow fell over me while I was busy staring into space, wishing I had something to numb the emotions that were dancing the rumba all over my gut.

I quickly slapped on a smile and ran my hands casually over my check. The wind dried the tears a while ago, "Nothing much"

"I've been looking all over for you," he sat on the top step, shyly glancing at me, "Dee said you went out to help Bob"

I smirked, that one syllable evoked so many emotions in me while it just slided smoothly down Ray's lips. Diana just refused to leave me alone, if it wasn't my dreams she crept into, it was my life she was messing with, "Yeah, but he's too heavy for me"

Ray chuckled, glancing at the bushes where Bob was humming in, only his feet were sticking out in weird shapes, white socks and all. Any other state and people would be gathering around but in Jersey I just hoped he still had his wallet.
"He doesn't really like dances"

"No shit," it was difficult to remove the smirk of my face. It was so bitter, everything seemed so ironic I could cry, "Dances are for losers anyway"

Ray seemed to take offense by my remark and pouted, looking away, "So what are you doing at one?"

"Well it appears my boyfriend is a dance lover loser," I struggled to keep the anger out of the way.

"Boyfriend?," he snapped his eyes back to me, flushed.
My gut clenched again at his panic, even Ray didn't want me. Gerard didn't want me. Mikey didn't want me. Frankie didn't want me. My brother didn't want me. My dad so didn't want me and now Ray didn't either and really, what there is to like? I'm too easy, too complicated, too bitter, too angry. I was just too much for anyone to like, it wasn't not their fault,
"What are you saying? Me? You mean me?"

"Well you are my friend and I do hope you are a boy," I squinted at his groin, "Are you?"

"Of course I'm a boy," he snapped, crossing his legs in extremely feminine way.

"I'd have to take your word for it," I shrugged.

We passed a few moments of awkward silence while I was staring into space again, carried by my own mind to never never land and Ray sat motionless on his step, "So were you crying?"

I shot my palms to my cheeks again but they were dry, "No, of course not. Why'd you say that"

"You have marks on your face," he motioned with his thumb.

"It's a fashion statement," I replied dryly, rubbing my cheeks.

"What kinda fashion statement?"

I thought back for a second, "Fuck people"

"Subtle"

"Yeah seriously," I turned to glare at him, "What's the point in loving people if all they ever do is to hurt you?"

"Did anyone hurt you?"

I ignored his question, "I mean, you open up to them, you love them, you'd do anything for them, take the fall for them when they are arrested. And one word and they're off with some two faced bully fucking bitch," tears were prickling at the back of my throat, "What really is the point? Is it just the norm?"

He shifted uncomfortably, moving his eyes around, "What exactly Dee said to you"

"What the fuck, Ray?," I jumped up from the step, outraged, "Can I not talk to you for 5 seconds without her being thrown into the convo?"

"No, I just," he sighed heavily, looking back at the decorated school entrance, "She was the last one to talk to you before you disappeared and Gerard..." he trailed off.

"What," my heart was pumping blood the best it knew how but it seemed like none of it reached my lungs, the little air I inhaled got trapped there, "What did he say?"

"Nothing," he avoided looking into my eyes.

"Come on, what is it?," I practically begged.

"Forget I said anything"

"Ray"

"Really it wasn't important"

"It is to me"

"He just wanted to know if you drank your Punch cause they ran out of cups and he was thirsty"

Something exploded inside and despite all my efforts to look away and slap my tears away they overflown my eyes, sliding down my eyelashes, falling on my face. I just never learn. After everything I heard and saw tonight I still actually believed Gerard cared about me. You stupid stupid underage cow, when will you fucking learn?, "Guys suck! You really do fucking suck!"

"Um," he mumbled, running his hands through his hair, "Are you crying?"

"No!," I snapped back, "Just another fashion statement"

"Um please don't," he stood up and pat my head in a lame effort to comfort me.

"You all fucking suck," I sobbed, "I hate you"

"Even more then you hate dances?," I could hear the smile in his voice and I wanted to fucking kick him.

"It's not funny," I looked up at him, trying to calm myself down.

"Look I can deal with scared to shit chicks when I kidnap my own cousins and I can even handle those who want to kick my ass but I can't deal with crying chicks"

"Well I'm sorry I cramping your style"

"There's something with sobbing and running noses that creeps me out," he shrugged, "So you gotta stop with this crying bullshit, OK?"

"Are you kidding me?," I forgot all about crying and focused on my efforts to decide whether he was joking or in fact serious.

"I wish," he shuddered, "It's annoying. The wailing and the...," he shuddered again.

"You're such a dick," I weeped, this time more out of anger then out of broken heart, "I can't believe you'd say that to me. I can't control my emotions, OK?!"

"Please stop," he wailed, "I can't take it anymore. Just stop it," he flopped on the stairs, his hands completely covering his ears, rocking back and forth, "Please just make it stop. Please!"

I stopped and stared, wiping my face dry, "Ray?"

"Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop," he put his head between his knees and shook, "I can't. I can't. Stop. I can't. Stop. Stop"

"Ray," I kinda chuckled, kneeling down before him, "Ray?"

"I hate it. I hate it. I hate it," he carried on shaking.

Great, I've got myself a nutter when all I wanted is a nice, sensitive guy. I put my hand on his back and rubbed him slightly, "Calm down, honey. I'm not crying anymore. See?," I bowed my head down to show him I wasn't crying anymore.

"You don't?," he asked casually.

"No," I grinned, "See? No tears, no wailing"

"Good," he straighten up, no trace of his fit only minutes ago, "That was easy"

I frowned, "What the fuck?"

"Works everytime on Hawk," he smiled, leaning back, No time to cry when you're handling a mad man"

"I'm not some kid," I swatted his arm as hard as I could, making him hardly wince, "You fucking fuck!"

"Don't make me start again," he warned me, his bottom lips trembling slightly.

"You're an idiot"

"And you're not crying anymore"

"You're still an idiot"

"An idiot with a happy girlfriend," he flashed me a smile.

"Oh because I'm a girl and a friend?," I smirked, looking away.

"A girl?," he squinted at my boobs just like I did at his crotch, "I'd have to take your word for it"

"You don't recognize a girl when you see one?," I crossed my arms on my chest, suddenly shy under his gaze, "And you call yourself Gerard's friend"

He tilted his head back and let out a loud laugh, "I gotta admit, sometimes I do wonder about the existence of his balls"

"More like raisins," I chuckled.

Ray laughed louder, "Poor Dee. She likes 'em big and manly. The only thing big and manly about him is his belt buckle and it's Mikey's"

"She'd be wearing the pants in this relationship," I nodded, grinning evilly.

"Yeah walking him home, buying him presents, protecting his ass from potential mean bullies"

"And he'll be on his back every night for her just taking it"

We giggled all the way home.