FicWad

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue ... plot is mine, that's all.

WARNINGS: Sexual situations with someones own self, swearing, self harm, violence, insanity and ... nope, that's it.



Chapter Four


Four days had passed since he had woken up on the kitchen floor struggling to breath, best part was, not one single dream. The blonde Gerard seemed to have completed his damage and was now completely gone.

Feeling thoroughly well rested and much happier then he had been in a long time, Gerard found himself running around excitedly when he and Lindsey were getting ready to go to Mikey and Alisha’s house for lunch that day.

"Where's my black jacket?" he shouted down the hall as he threw clothes from one pile into another just behind him where all the clothes that weren't his black jacket ended up.

"In the wash!" Lindsey called back.

"What? But I wanted to wear that!" he whined.

"Gee, it stunk ... find something else!"

If he wasn't in such a good mood he would have probably argued to the point where Lindsey was forced to go fish it out of his untouchable pile of dirty laundry, but as it was, he was far too happy to care.

When they were finally dressed and out the door, Gerard drummed a beat into the dashboard in the car, all the way to Mikey's place. It was driving Lindsey insane, but his good mood was being passed on like some sort of contagious disease and she seemed to have caught it because she simply laughed at him fondly.

"Gee! Good to see ya bro!" Mikey shouted excitedly when he swung the door open and saw Gerard and Lindsey standing there.

"Back at ya Mikes!" Gerard pulled his brother into a tight hug as Alisha and Lindsey shared a look.

"It's been 5 days, you two are pathetic," Alisha whined.

"GEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" another excited voice bellowed out as Gerard stepped further into the house. Immediately he was grabbed around the waist by a much smaller person then his brother.

"Frankie! How you been?" he asked, hugging the small guitarist back. The butterflies were back again as they hugged and Gerard sheepishly pulled away.

"Fucking fantastic! How's home life treating ya?" Frank asked, gesturing for Gerard to follow him so that they could take a seat on the lounge.

"Oh you know ... it's boring."

"Hey," Lindsey complained, over-hearing his comment.

"I was kidding! Hey Jamia," Gerard greeted Frank's wife as the small guitarist cuddled up next to her.

Another feeling passed through Gerard, not one as good as the butterflies he had experienced earlier. A little ashamed of this feeling he recognized, he turned away awkwardly from their affection.

"You want coffee Gee?" Mikey called from the kitchen.

"Do you really have to ask him?" Frank responded, rolling his eyes.

Gerard gave Frank a death stare which the smaller man merely laughed at. Naturally, Frank was right, Mikey should have known better then to ask, of course he was going to say yes.

The moment had certainly changed now that Gerard was with the band again. Sure, he still felt complete, he still felt happy, but as he watched Frank and Jamia fuss over one another, he couldn't help but feel a little strange. He looked away, trying to distract his mind with other things.

"Hey babe," Lindsey announced, joining him with a quick kiss on the lips. "You okay? You look tired."

Gerard rubbed at his stinging eyes, for some reason the sunlight was making them water, they always got overly sensitive when he was tired. But he had been sleeping so well, why would he be so tired again?

"I'm fine. Just need my pick me up," he explained and right on queue, Mikey and Alisha joined them all in the lounge room with coffee.

"Who's your favourite person in the whole world?" Mikey teased, holding the coffee cup just out of Gerard's reach.

"... You are," he answered, rolling his eyes. Mikey handed him the coffee with a smug smile as at that moment there was a knock on the door and he went to answer it.

"Hey guys!" Bob, Ray and Ray's girl friend Sandra all joined them in the lounge room not long after.

Gerard had to admit, it was great catching up with everyone, even though they had only been apart for a measly five days and nothing much had really happened. Amazingly though, everyone seemed to have a story to tell, it appeared they were enjoying their break.

Still, it wasn't long before Gerard found it was getting harder and harder to concentrate on what everyone was saying. He rubbed at his tired eyes and yawned despite himself.

"Be right back," he announced to the room. "Just going to the toilet," he whispered to Lindsey as she looked at him questioningly.

Once away from the group, he felt a little better. There was less to concentrate on and he felt very relaxed, perhaps just a bit too relaxed.

As he made his way to Mikey's bathroom, he barely even noticed where he was going, his eye lids were so heavy everything kept coming in and out of focus as he struggled to keep them open.

Somehow he managed to reach the bathroom; he stepped inside, closed the door and tried to steady himself. Failing miserably, his eyelids simply shut on their own and he was vaguely aware that he was falling before everything went black.

----------------

Rolling over so that he was on his back rather then face down in the dirt, Gerard stared at the stormy sky. This definitely didn't look right, he wasn't even sure where the hell he was, it certainly didn't look like home.

"You fell again!"

A blonde haired figure suddenly appeared in his line of vision, silhouetted by the black sky behind him. Gerard sat up with a start and hurriedly crawled away, stumbling stupidly in the dirt.

"Get the hell away from me!" he shouted as he finally re-gained his footing properly and turned around ready to defend himself if need be.

"Relax Gee, I'm not going to hurt you," the blonde Gerard laughed almost as though he found his fear extremely funny.

"Like hell you're not! You tried to strangle me. You almost fucking killed me ... how is that possible?"

Gerard had so many questions, he wanted them answered, but he knew how quickly the other him could change his mood, he needed to get out of there, but he wasn't even sure where he was.

No more Warped Tour, he was in the middle of an open field, almost like a baseball field. There was grass and dirt as far as the eye could see, the only thing that broke its continuity was the dark, angry looking sky and a large fence that seemed to box them in the field not allowing them to venture beyond it.

"Ah! But I didn't kill you now did I?" the blonde answered, raising a finger as though what Gerard asked was indeed the golden question.

"Shit ... I was good. You were gone - four days without you ... why are you back?" Gerard kept backing away from the other him, just until he was satisfied there was enough distance between them, he knew how quick he could be.

"I don't know. You tell me."

"Fucking stop it! No more games. Just tell me why you're back here!" Gerard used his peripherals to try and locate an escape route incase the situation arose where he needed one.

"Well it's obvious isn't it? I'm back because you need me," the blonde explained, placing his hands on his hips as though he was the most important person in the world.

"I don't need you. You keep saying you're here to help me, but so far you've done nothing but torture me!" Gerard had now completely forgotten about looking for an exit through the seemingly unbreakable fence, he was too busy caught up in the conversation now.

"Technically, you're torturing yourself. You're so blind Gee, you need to wake up and smell the coffee." The other Gerard inspected the landscape with a frown. "Looks like rain."

Gerard shook his head in disbelief. Whatever this was, it was insane, he couldn't be here, he couldn't be doing this. Not now and not ever.

I'm loosing my mind. I'm going insane.

"Yes, you are. But I can fix that ... I can fix you. Just let me take over for a little while," the blonde approached him quickly, eagerly, Gerard backed away again.

"T-take over? What do you mean? Oh no ... you want to get out, in the outside world? I've seen this on movies before. So what am I? Schizophrenic or something?"

Gerard suddenly seemed to come to some sort of understanding. He was insane; there was nothing else for it. Would this other him really go out into the real world and take over him if he let him?

"Probably. But we're all a little crazy," the blonde announced very matter-of-factly as he shrugged his shoulders. "Just let me out for a day ... I can fix everything Gerard."

"No way! I know how this works; you'll drive them all away! Everyone I love, everyone I care for, they'll never speak to me again. You're not like me, you're a fucking bastard and you’ll just hurt everyone!"

The other Gerard looked puzzled and then, if possible, he looked hurt. It was bizarre, like looking in the mirror. So that was what he looked liked when he was upset? It was truly a very different experience.

"You don't get it do you? I am the only one that can fix your life!"

"It doesn't need fixing!" he shouted angrily, this conversation was getting them nowhere again, he wanted to be woken up and he wanted to go back to his family and friends.

"I'm afraid it does Gee. You've done everything wrong ... you're not happy!" The blonde looked almost on the verge of tears; he waved his arms around in frustration.

"I am happy," Gerard argued back. Yet, something about the look on the other Gerard’s face made it sound slightly unbelievable, even to him.

"We've lost our brother Gee, he's married now, soon he'll have kids and there will be no time for us. So we married Lindsey because she was keen and we thought we were keen, but let’s face it, we jumped in a little to quickly. Sure, she's great ... but she's not him. I can fix it," he announced again, this time there was no anger, only a need and a desire to help.

Gerard shook his head and backed up again. This was different, he was calmer yet sadder, it was all wrong. This other Gerard was reaching him, it understood feelings he didn't and somehow, everything he said made some sort of twisted sense.

"The band wanted a break ... our sanctuary, our savior, the one thing we truly loved, the one thing we truly need, broken up for family, for life - the one thing we were never good at ... living. He taught us to live, he made us want to live ... but you chose her, because you were too afraid, because you keep screwing everything up ... don't you get it now? That's why I'm here, that's why you let me be here - to fix it! To fix the mistakes."

"No ... shut up! There are no mistakes! This is what my life is supposed to be," Gerard shot back, realizing that the blonde was coming closer and closer to him.

"This is what everyone told you it was supposed to be! We were picked on at school for being gay and hell; we even started to think it was easier to be gay because every single girl we ever fell for screwed us over again and again. That was when you first let me come out and fix things - do you remember?" The other Gerard seemed happy, too happy, it was scary.

"No, I don't remember ..." he couldn't think right now, the blonde was coming to close, the fear was rising, he could feel his heart beat increase even though his mind told him it was impossible, he was sleeping soundly.

"We were drinking, Bert McCracken came along, took us under his wing and you finally let me out. The cocaine ... you remember how good that made us feel, I did that, I took the chance. And Bert, well you remember how much fun we had with him ... we liked him, we took a chance with him, because I let us ... but society - upbringing, stupid things like that told you that being with a man was wrong, so you turned your back on him and fucking left after everything I built with him ... It was what we wanted! Maybe not with him, but he was the experiment, he was the first step."

The blonde's voice was rising again, he was getting angry. But Gerard barely noticed, his mouth was hanging open and his mind was racing.

It made sense, somehow it all made perfect sense. He had been happy with Bert, they had fooled around, never anything to serious, Bert was into guys and girls, but the other singer had made it quite clear at the time how interested he was in Gerard. Somehow he could have taken that chance, screwed the taunts and screwed the shit he would get for going out with a guy.

But Mikey, Frank, the whole band had cautioned him against it and naturally, he did as he was told and walked away. Maybe he wasn't gay, maybe it was just an experiment for him, but he never took that chance and whilst he had never really thought about it since then, this other version of him clearly had and he didn't like the choice that had been made.

"Bert was wrong for me on so many levels. I needed to get clean and sober ... he wasn't interested in changing for me."

"Who said you needed to get clean? Who said you needed to get sober? Everyone told you it was bad, you have to stop listening to other people and start hearing what you really want for a change. That's why I'm here ... don't you get it yet?"

"No, I don't! Just fucking leave me alone ... Shut up!" he covered his ears, tried to block out the voice, but the blonde was already inches in front of him and he pulled the hands away from his ears.

"You let me come out for The Black Parade to, remember, that's why you changed your whole identity back then. I behaved myself see, some crazy stage antics with Frank, even the on-stage make out, which everyone loved may I add!"

"I don't need you now; my life is fine the way it is ... I'm happy!" Gerard protested, he didn't need to hear anymore of the story. He understood, he had created this other him because it was everything he wasn't. He was insane, crazy, out of his mind.

"You're not fucking happy! You're miserable! You fell apart when you saw Frank and her together, that's why you woke up in the dirt back here with me. Let me fix it, for good this time ... I can make it all better! The fun you had with Bert, I can get that back for you; the success of The Black Parade, I can give you that again; love, happiness, the feeling of never being alone again, I can give you that with Frank -"

"Leave him out of it, he has nothing to do with anything!" he shouted angrily, pushing the blonde mirror-image away.

To his surprise, the blonde actually took a few steps back, staring on in confusion at how Gerard had got the upper hand.

It didn't last long though, the look was back, the mean, fierce, angry look that told Gerard he was going to be in serious trouble this time. He struggled to think where he had fallen asleep, how easy it would be for someone to find him, wake him up before it was too late.

The blonde grabbed him by his collar and pushed him backwards until he felt his back slam against the offending fence that was imprisoning the two of them within this field. Then, it started to rain. The angry sky leaked and Gerard found himself shivering at the icy cold droplets, his whole body felt strangely numb.

"Frank has everything to do with everything!" the other Gerard whispered into his ear. "You're afraid to be away from him because you can't secretly watch him every day, trying to sooth your craving for him secretly like the coward you are. He's the reason I'm back! You've wanted him from the day you met him."

Gerard struggled fruitlessly against the iron grip the black clad figure had on him. He whimpered slightly at the thought of what was going to come next, but to his great surprise, the other him leaned in closer and kissed him furiously.

It was the strangest sensation that Gerard had ever experienced, he knew he was sleeping, he knew it wasn't real, but it felt real. He was kissing himself and it was beyond bizarre. He tried to force him away, but he had no strength, just like before. It seemed his strength failed him whenever the blonde was touching him.

He broke the kiss and moved his lips towards his ear. "Let me help. We can have him ... I can get him for us."

With that the other Gerard was kissing him again, this time his hands were no longer gripping his collar, they moved lower, straddling his hips, the blonde was rubbing up against him. Gerard was confused, he didn't know what was happening, he didn't know what they were doing. He felt numb, he felt cold and he was shivering against the coolness of the water and the pleasure of the blonde's touch.

The hands continued to touch him, the lips continued to assault his lips and his eyes closed despite himself as he gave in to the pleasure that he felt as his body grinded up against another’s roughly.

Then, it faded. There was no more pleasure, no more good feeling, the hands were still there, but they were pumping at his chest. The legs still straddled his body, but not in a sexual way. The lips came and went in a kind of pattern, his breathing didn't feel quite so right, so cold ... so numb ... his chest ached...

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"Come on Gee! Please fucking breath!"

Gerard felt lips on his, felt hands pumping at his chest; he recognized the voice, the shaking voice, filled with fear, filled with sadness. He was so cold and yet, whoever was positioned on top of him, whoever belonged to the new voice, gave him some warmth. Then, there were droplets of warmth on his cold face...

…Tears; something told him they were tears.

The hands pumped at his chest again and he felt something start inside of him...

…His heart, it had to be his heart.

Now, the lips again...

…Air, they gave him air, sweet, fresh air.

He took a deep breath in, breathing in the air this person had shared with him, his chest heaved upwards with the pressure and pain it caused, but his lungs were working again, excepting all the air, his heart beating again ... he hadn't even realised it had stopped.

"He's breathing! He's fucking breathing!" an excited voice exclaimed and he felt hands clasp his head, warm hands, warming up his freezing cold flesh. He clasped at them with a moan, but his eyes wouldn't open just yet, his head was spinning, the air would reach it soon.

"S-so cold," he explained, surprised to even hear his own voice.

Hands grabbed at him, reached at him, he couldn't open his eyes to see who they belonged to yet.

He felt hands rubbing at his arms, the warmth was spreading, feeling was returning and suddenly he found he had the strength to open his eyes.

They focused at last and he looked into the teary yet determined eyes of Frank Iero as recognition slowly returned to him.

Frank was holding him tightly, his warmth spreading throughout his body ... but why did he look so sad? So tired, so worn out? What the hell happened?

"He's awake ... guys, he's awake," Frank shouted happily.

Gerard didn't take his eyes off him, he didn't have the strength and his brain couldn't take what else he might see if he looked around at the rest of his surroundings.

Was this like last time? Had he stopped breathing again? The look on Frank's face told him something serious had happened. Gerard still remembered the dream, still remembered everything the other him had told him, everything he himself had done.

It was his fault all this was happening. Did he like Frank? Could this all be because he was too afraid to admit to himself that he had feelings for him, to afraid of what people would think, what they would say? Had he unleashed this evil upon himself?

"Frank ... I'm sorry," he stuttered out as he realised how cold he still felt.

He reached out weak hands to clasp at Frank's shirt. It was stuck to him from sweat, why was he so sweaty? Why did he look like he had just been running a marathon?

Frank's eyes stared on in confusion and sadness as he pulled Gerard in closer, the warmth spreading through his body again; he closed his eyes at the feeling, breathing in Frank's scent of cigarettes and sweat. Then, just like that, his body went limp again as the darkness took over.

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AN: MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry to end it there ... actually, no I'm not. I'll make you wait it out a little longer. LOL! I want cookies sent to my place before I write anymore!
But seriously, I'm up to chapter 12 or something already, I'm just updating real slow because I have to work on "Gerard Way's Diary" now or I will be killed by all those readers. HA HA. Thanks for reading, as always, love to know what you think xx
So far, this is NOTHING compared to what goes on in later chapters. Talk about insane!