Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Lost In Middle Earth
Time 3v3 : What Beats Four Kings?
0 reviewsAragorn faces the Army of The Dead, while Frodo and Sam contemplate a much, much more fearsome enemy.....
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"Father!" Ginny ran out of Dunharrow as Theoden's company arrived "You have returned"
"Yes, my child" Arthur smiled down at her as he dismounted "You had news of our coming?"
"Aragorn and The Lollipop Guild passed through here two days ago, and then decided to kill themselves"
"The Lollipop Guild?" George asked.
"The elf... Legolas I think his name was, described Aragorn's comrades as such" Ginny stared at him for a moment "Who are you?"
"Oh - sorry. I am Meriadoc Brandybuck, of The Shire" George bowed "A friend of Strider's"
"Strider?"
"Lord Aragorn" Arthur said "It's a long story, and one I will gladly tell you later"
"Okay" Ginny smiled, then hugged the King "How long are you here for?"
"As short a time as possible" Arthur replied "We have to muster the troops, and ride to the aide of Gondor"
"Yes father" Ginny bounced off in the direction of the halls. Arthur sighed.
"She's going to want to come with us, isn't she?"
"Probably, sir" George smiled "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No, my boy - this is something I have learned to deal with" Arthur smiled "Anyway - we should go. We have very little time, and quite a lot to do"
xoxox
Fudge was talking with Gandalf and Pippin when an aide entered the room.
"My Lord Denethor - your son has returned"
"I thought my son was dead" Fudge turned to stare at his aide.
"Your other son, my Lord"
"Oh yes - Edna"
"Faramir" The aide sighed "He has returned from Osgiliath, and wishes to speak with you"
"Very well - send him in" Fudge smiled as the aide retreated. The people of Gondor loved Faramir, and he could not figure out why, as he considered the boy to be a bit of a waster. So, every so often, he enjoyed poking the people with a stick. A few moments later, Faramir walked in, but came to a sudden halt when he caught sight of Fred.
"A halfling? In the livery of the tower?" He looked over at his father "Are we having a recruitment drive?"
"I am looking for a new heir, since I don't have any decent ones left" Fudge said "And what do you know of halflings?"
"I came across two of them in Ithilien" Charlie looked back to Fred "Although neither of them had hair that colour"
"And what, pray, were two hobbits doing out in the middle of my realm?" Fudge turned to Luna "Would you know anything about this, Mithrandir?"
"Me?" Luna was the picture of innocence "Why would I know anything about this?" She stared at him for a moment, then shrugged "Yeah - okay. I know them" Fudge stared at her, then turned to his son.
"Why were they there?" Charlie glanced across at Luna, who nodded, then he turned back to his father.
"It's like this..."
xoxox
"Do you think they will tell our story?" Hermione turned and stared at Harry "I mean - if we don't die horribly, and manage to des..." He glanced over at Ron, who was skulking behind them "...desalinate the river - do you think the bards will retell our deeds in word and song?" He realised Hermione was still staring at him "What?"
"In word and song?" She smirked "Who are you and what have you done with my friend?" She smiled when he gave a small chuckle "But, that aside, I don't think they will"
"Why not?" He asked "I mean - the least we can ask for after all this is to get a song out of it"
"The Bards won't want to cross the RIAA"
"The what?"
"The Recording Industry Association of Arnor" Hermione shivered as she said the name.
"The what?"
"After Angband fell, all the creatures that escaped got together to form a new company dedicated to making people's lives miserable"
"You realise I don't know what Angband is, nor why it fell" Harry said. Hermione paused, then smirked.
"Imagine if Voldemort trained all of his Death Eaters as lawyers"
"Good god!"
"Exactly" She shivered again "It was rumoured they once slaughtered an entire village because they sang Happy Birthday without getting proper performing rights, so you can imagine that, with all the copyright violations we've been indulging in, The Bards would sooner cut out their own tounges" She looked over at The Dark Tower "Even Sauron doesn't dare cross them" Harry paused for a moment.
"Note to self - no story telling" He said, then looked back at Gollum "Hey - do you think if we trick him in to singing, they will deal with him for us?"
"It's possible" She thought, then pulled a roll of parchment with the title "1001 Ways To Deal With Gollum That Won't Involve Us Pushing Him Over A Cliff" After glancing through it for a moment, she wrote "234 : Get RIAA to carry him off, then get Lord Aragorn to pardon him" She smiled, then put the parchment away.
"Are we going to reach 1001?" Harry asked.
"Probably not, but hey - it passes the time. And it's better than that damn picnic game"
"Mmmmm - picanics" Ron said from behind them.
xoxox
"... and when I woke up, they were gone" Charlie stared at his father "Did I do right?"
"Cirith Regulas!" Fudge yelled, and smirked as Charlie collapsed in to a dead faint.
"My Lord - was that really necessary?" Luna asked, walking over to where Charlie was lying.
"Of course it was" Fudge frowned at his prone son "If he had done as he was told, we'd have a weapon that no one could rival"
"Indeed?" Luna turned on him "And when you had defeated Sauron, who would be next?"
"No one" Fudge beamed at them, although they both noticed the slightly maniacal look on his face "No one would dare challenge me if I could wipe them out on a whim"
"Of course not, my Lord" Luna bowed "Now, if you will excuse us, Pippin and I have some work to do... elsewhere... at the other end of the city"
"Very well" Fudge dismissed them "Go" He watched as they left, carrying Charlie between them, then when the door closed, he turned, and sat down on the chair at the base of the throne dais.
A moment later, he frowned.
"We are at the center of the city. How can they be going to the other side of it?"
xoxox
"Stand forth mortal, and explain why we should not kill you where you stand"
"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, the heir of Isildur, to whom you swore an oath"
"So?"
"I have come to command you to fulfill your oath to fight The Dark Lord, and then you can rest"
"No"
"Pardon me?"
"I said no. Are you deaf?"
"You can't refuse me - I am your lawful master"
"Bugger that - we like it here. Why should we go and risk our lives?"
Cedric paused, unable to think of a response. He looked around, then noticed Draco was looking somewhat smug.
"Legolas?"
"You really are a complete Hufflepuff, aren't you?" Draco said in his most derisive drawl.
"You can do better?"
"Well duh!"
"Be my guest" He watched as Draco rode forward to face the Leader of The Dementors.
"My Lord" Draco gave a short bow "When was the last time you fed?"
"It seems like an age ago" The Dementor moaned, and Neville was surprised to find he was nearly felling pity for the foul creature.
"If you come with us, there are hundreds, maybe thousands of souls. If you help us drive them their ships - they are all yours"
"Really?"
"I would not dare lie to The King of The Dead" Draco bowed again.
"Very well" The Dementor turned back to Cedric "We will fulfill our oath, Heir of Isildur"
"Thank you"
"And, in token of our support, may I give you a piece of free advice?"
"Of course"
"You should promote this one" The Dementor gestured to Draco "He really knows what he is doing" The King Of The Dead glided away, while Draco turned to Cedric and smirked. Cedric merely sighed, then turned to Susan.
"Unfurl my banner"
"Yes, my Lord" She lifted up Aragorn's standard, and let the flag fly loose. Unfortunately, it was far too dark to see the symbol upon it. Draco glanced at Cedric.
"I'm telling you now - if that's a badger, I quit"
xoxox
"Daughter, we are ready to leave"
"Okay"
Arthur stopped, then stuck his finger in his ear, and wiggled it about. Then he turned back to Eowyn. She was lying in bed, covered by a small duvet.
"Are you feeling alright?"
"I'm fine" Ginny beamed up at him "You just go to your war, and I will be here with crumpets and tea when you are done" Arthur stared at her, then shook his head.
"As long as I live I will never understand her" He muttered as he walked away. Ginny watched him go, then - once he was out of sight - she threw the duvet off to reveal a set of full body armor, and a sword. She gave one short whistle, followed by another longer one. A few moments later, the door to her private bathroom was opened, and George came out.
"He bought it?" George asked.
"Hook, line and tinker" Ginny beamed, then glared at him for a moment "Do I want to know how you learned to manipulate The King so well?"
"It ain't nothing but a family thing" George replied "But you remember the deal?"
"I will take you with me as well" Ginny nodded "So - come on, lets go"
xoxox
"My people! Today is a glorious day! We ride to Gondor, to the aide of our kinsmen and allies, to make such a war that it will be told for the rest of time in song and story"
The Riders of Rohan cheered their king as he marshaled his troops.
"But since I am old, and quite likely to pop my clogs, or get my head hacked off by a pissed off orc, I will name my son Eomer as my heir"
There were more cheers, and Arthur wondered whether they were for naming Eomer, or for the fact he might get his head hacked off. He decided to go with the first option.
"And I leave your safety in the hands of my daughter Eowyn, who will guard you here until the outcome is known" There were more cheers, then he looked around "Has anyone seen my daughter?" He looked around "I will take that silence as a 'no', shall I?" He turned back to his aides "Do either of you know where she is?"
"She said she was in bed" One of the aides said hurriedly.
"With what?" The King loomed over him.
"Erm... female troubles?"
"Ewww. Okay" The King turned back to his troops "We ride now! We ride to GLORY!" He spurred his horse off, followed by the rest of the army of Rohan.
Half an hour later, when the last of the horses had departed, the aides both breathed out and relaxed. Then one turned to the other.
"Female problems? Is that the best you could do?"
"I figured he was a father, and didn't want to know about his daughters... issues" The first aide replied with a smirk "Hey - it worked, didn't it?"
xoxox
On the south coast of Gondor, four pirate kings were talking.
"So, Hector - we sail with the tide?"
"Yes Will. Our Lord is launching his attack as we speak, and we need to arrive to stop any of the Gondorians escaping"
"Gondorians? Is that even a word?"
"Yes, Lizzie, it is. It means one of Gondor. Or, as I like to put it, the cowards we are going to slaughter most gayly" Liz smirked, and Jack turned to her "What?"
"I did wonder about the amount of eye-shadow you wore..." Liz replied, then looked around "This is quite a navy we have here"
"I think our Lord wants to not only win, but ensure that no one dares challenge him in the future" Will smiled "This will be a good day" He noticed that his companion was looking round worriedly "Jack?" There was no reply "JACK?"
"What?" Jack snapped his head round.
"You seem distracted"
"I think we should be going" Jack turned "I have a bad feeling about this"
"We can't leave for another half hour or so - not until the ships are fully stocked and prepared" He saw Jack frown "Oh come on - it's half an hour. What's the worse that could happen?"
(twenty five minutes later)
"My Lord Aragon - we have captured the ships" Susan announced "The army of the dead scared the crap out of everyone, and they all fled, except for two"
"Why two?"
"I am not sure my Lord. When we found them, after the battle, one of them was smacking the other one round the head, yelling 'WHAT'S THE WORSE THAT COULD HAPPEN' over and over again" She glanced at Legolas "And one of them kind of looked like you, master Elf"
"Attractive and sexy, was he?"
"Very funny"
"Indeed" Cedric shrugged "What did you do with them?"
"Oh - nothing, sir" Cedric looked at her questioningly "When they saw us, they both ran away to the west" She gestured behind us "I didn't think we had time to chase them"
"You're right" He smiled at her "So - can we take all these ships?"
"Yes, my Lord" She beamed.
"Really?" He looked at the assembled fleet, then at his army, which numbered less than 30 "Are you sure?"
"Turns out they have vast acres of slaves locked up, who were only to willing to help us crew the ship, as long as we get them the hell away from the army of the dead"
"Excellent!" He looked around "Shall we go?"
"Yes, my Lord"
"Yes, my child" Arthur smiled down at her as he dismounted "You had news of our coming?"
"Aragorn and The Lollipop Guild passed through here two days ago, and then decided to kill themselves"
"The Lollipop Guild?" George asked.
"The elf... Legolas I think his name was, described Aragorn's comrades as such" Ginny stared at him for a moment "Who are you?"
"Oh - sorry. I am Meriadoc Brandybuck, of The Shire" George bowed "A friend of Strider's"
"Strider?"
"Lord Aragorn" Arthur said "It's a long story, and one I will gladly tell you later"
"Okay" Ginny smiled, then hugged the King "How long are you here for?"
"As short a time as possible" Arthur replied "We have to muster the troops, and ride to the aide of Gondor"
"Yes father" Ginny bounced off in the direction of the halls. Arthur sighed.
"She's going to want to come with us, isn't she?"
"Probably, sir" George smiled "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No, my boy - this is something I have learned to deal with" Arthur smiled "Anyway - we should go. We have very little time, and quite a lot to do"
xoxox
Fudge was talking with Gandalf and Pippin when an aide entered the room.
"My Lord Denethor - your son has returned"
"I thought my son was dead" Fudge turned to stare at his aide.
"Your other son, my Lord"
"Oh yes - Edna"
"Faramir" The aide sighed "He has returned from Osgiliath, and wishes to speak with you"
"Very well - send him in" Fudge smiled as the aide retreated. The people of Gondor loved Faramir, and he could not figure out why, as he considered the boy to be a bit of a waster. So, every so often, he enjoyed poking the people with a stick. A few moments later, Faramir walked in, but came to a sudden halt when he caught sight of Fred.
"A halfling? In the livery of the tower?" He looked over at his father "Are we having a recruitment drive?"
"I am looking for a new heir, since I don't have any decent ones left" Fudge said "And what do you know of halflings?"
"I came across two of them in Ithilien" Charlie looked back to Fred "Although neither of them had hair that colour"
"And what, pray, were two hobbits doing out in the middle of my realm?" Fudge turned to Luna "Would you know anything about this, Mithrandir?"
"Me?" Luna was the picture of innocence "Why would I know anything about this?" She stared at him for a moment, then shrugged "Yeah - okay. I know them" Fudge stared at her, then turned to his son.
"Why were they there?" Charlie glanced across at Luna, who nodded, then he turned back to his father.
"It's like this..."
xoxox
"Do you think they will tell our story?" Hermione turned and stared at Harry "I mean - if we don't die horribly, and manage to des..." He glanced over at Ron, who was skulking behind them "...desalinate the river - do you think the bards will retell our deeds in word and song?" He realised Hermione was still staring at him "What?"
"In word and song?" She smirked "Who are you and what have you done with my friend?" She smiled when he gave a small chuckle "But, that aside, I don't think they will"
"Why not?" He asked "I mean - the least we can ask for after all this is to get a song out of it"
"The Bards won't want to cross the RIAA"
"The what?"
"The Recording Industry Association of Arnor" Hermione shivered as she said the name.
"The what?"
"After Angband fell, all the creatures that escaped got together to form a new company dedicated to making people's lives miserable"
"You realise I don't know what Angband is, nor why it fell" Harry said. Hermione paused, then smirked.
"Imagine if Voldemort trained all of his Death Eaters as lawyers"
"Good god!"
"Exactly" She shivered again "It was rumoured they once slaughtered an entire village because they sang Happy Birthday without getting proper performing rights, so you can imagine that, with all the copyright violations we've been indulging in, The Bards would sooner cut out their own tounges" She looked over at The Dark Tower "Even Sauron doesn't dare cross them" Harry paused for a moment.
"Note to self - no story telling" He said, then looked back at Gollum "Hey - do you think if we trick him in to singing, they will deal with him for us?"
"It's possible" She thought, then pulled a roll of parchment with the title "1001 Ways To Deal With Gollum That Won't Involve Us Pushing Him Over A Cliff" After glancing through it for a moment, she wrote "234 : Get RIAA to carry him off, then get Lord Aragorn to pardon him" She smiled, then put the parchment away.
"Are we going to reach 1001?" Harry asked.
"Probably not, but hey - it passes the time. And it's better than that damn picnic game"
"Mmmmm - picanics" Ron said from behind them.
xoxox
"... and when I woke up, they were gone" Charlie stared at his father "Did I do right?"
"Cirith Regulas!" Fudge yelled, and smirked as Charlie collapsed in to a dead faint.
"My Lord - was that really necessary?" Luna asked, walking over to where Charlie was lying.
"Of course it was" Fudge frowned at his prone son "If he had done as he was told, we'd have a weapon that no one could rival"
"Indeed?" Luna turned on him "And when you had defeated Sauron, who would be next?"
"No one" Fudge beamed at them, although they both noticed the slightly maniacal look on his face "No one would dare challenge me if I could wipe them out on a whim"
"Of course not, my Lord" Luna bowed "Now, if you will excuse us, Pippin and I have some work to do... elsewhere... at the other end of the city"
"Very well" Fudge dismissed them "Go" He watched as they left, carrying Charlie between them, then when the door closed, he turned, and sat down on the chair at the base of the throne dais.
A moment later, he frowned.
"We are at the center of the city. How can they be going to the other side of it?"
xoxox
"Stand forth mortal, and explain why we should not kill you where you stand"
"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, the heir of Isildur, to whom you swore an oath"
"So?"
"I have come to command you to fulfill your oath to fight The Dark Lord, and then you can rest"
"No"
"Pardon me?"
"I said no. Are you deaf?"
"You can't refuse me - I am your lawful master"
"Bugger that - we like it here. Why should we go and risk our lives?"
Cedric paused, unable to think of a response. He looked around, then noticed Draco was looking somewhat smug.
"Legolas?"
"You really are a complete Hufflepuff, aren't you?" Draco said in his most derisive drawl.
"You can do better?"
"Well duh!"
"Be my guest" He watched as Draco rode forward to face the Leader of The Dementors.
"My Lord" Draco gave a short bow "When was the last time you fed?"
"It seems like an age ago" The Dementor moaned, and Neville was surprised to find he was nearly felling pity for the foul creature.
"If you come with us, there are hundreds, maybe thousands of souls. If you help us drive them their ships - they are all yours"
"Really?"
"I would not dare lie to The King of The Dead" Draco bowed again.
"Very well" The Dementor turned back to Cedric "We will fulfill our oath, Heir of Isildur"
"Thank you"
"And, in token of our support, may I give you a piece of free advice?"
"Of course"
"You should promote this one" The Dementor gestured to Draco "He really knows what he is doing" The King Of The Dead glided away, while Draco turned to Cedric and smirked. Cedric merely sighed, then turned to Susan.
"Unfurl my banner"
"Yes, my Lord" She lifted up Aragorn's standard, and let the flag fly loose. Unfortunately, it was far too dark to see the symbol upon it. Draco glanced at Cedric.
"I'm telling you now - if that's a badger, I quit"
xoxox
"Daughter, we are ready to leave"
"Okay"
Arthur stopped, then stuck his finger in his ear, and wiggled it about. Then he turned back to Eowyn. She was lying in bed, covered by a small duvet.
"Are you feeling alright?"
"I'm fine" Ginny beamed up at him "You just go to your war, and I will be here with crumpets and tea when you are done" Arthur stared at her, then shook his head.
"As long as I live I will never understand her" He muttered as he walked away. Ginny watched him go, then - once he was out of sight - she threw the duvet off to reveal a set of full body armor, and a sword. She gave one short whistle, followed by another longer one. A few moments later, the door to her private bathroom was opened, and George came out.
"He bought it?" George asked.
"Hook, line and tinker" Ginny beamed, then glared at him for a moment "Do I want to know how you learned to manipulate The King so well?"
"It ain't nothing but a family thing" George replied "But you remember the deal?"
"I will take you with me as well" Ginny nodded "So - come on, lets go"
xoxox
"My people! Today is a glorious day! We ride to Gondor, to the aide of our kinsmen and allies, to make such a war that it will be told for the rest of time in song and story"
The Riders of Rohan cheered their king as he marshaled his troops.
"But since I am old, and quite likely to pop my clogs, or get my head hacked off by a pissed off orc, I will name my son Eomer as my heir"
There were more cheers, and Arthur wondered whether they were for naming Eomer, or for the fact he might get his head hacked off. He decided to go with the first option.
"And I leave your safety in the hands of my daughter Eowyn, who will guard you here until the outcome is known" There were more cheers, then he looked around "Has anyone seen my daughter?" He looked around "I will take that silence as a 'no', shall I?" He turned back to his aides "Do either of you know where she is?"
"She said she was in bed" One of the aides said hurriedly.
"With what?" The King loomed over him.
"Erm... female troubles?"
"Ewww. Okay" The King turned back to his troops "We ride now! We ride to GLORY!" He spurred his horse off, followed by the rest of the army of Rohan.
Half an hour later, when the last of the horses had departed, the aides both breathed out and relaxed. Then one turned to the other.
"Female problems? Is that the best you could do?"
"I figured he was a father, and didn't want to know about his daughters... issues" The first aide replied with a smirk "Hey - it worked, didn't it?"
xoxox
On the south coast of Gondor, four pirate kings were talking.
"So, Hector - we sail with the tide?"
"Yes Will. Our Lord is launching his attack as we speak, and we need to arrive to stop any of the Gondorians escaping"
"Gondorians? Is that even a word?"
"Yes, Lizzie, it is. It means one of Gondor. Or, as I like to put it, the cowards we are going to slaughter most gayly" Liz smirked, and Jack turned to her "What?"
"I did wonder about the amount of eye-shadow you wore..." Liz replied, then looked around "This is quite a navy we have here"
"I think our Lord wants to not only win, but ensure that no one dares challenge him in the future" Will smiled "This will be a good day" He noticed that his companion was looking round worriedly "Jack?" There was no reply "JACK?"
"What?" Jack snapped his head round.
"You seem distracted"
"I think we should be going" Jack turned "I have a bad feeling about this"
"We can't leave for another half hour or so - not until the ships are fully stocked and prepared" He saw Jack frown "Oh come on - it's half an hour. What's the worse that could happen?"
(twenty five minutes later)
"My Lord Aragon - we have captured the ships" Susan announced "The army of the dead scared the crap out of everyone, and they all fled, except for two"
"Why two?"
"I am not sure my Lord. When we found them, after the battle, one of them was smacking the other one round the head, yelling 'WHAT'S THE WORSE THAT COULD HAPPEN' over and over again" She glanced at Legolas "And one of them kind of looked like you, master Elf"
"Attractive and sexy, was he?"
"Very funny"
"Indeed" Cedric shrugged "What did you do with them?"
"Oh - nothing, sir" Cedric looked at her questioningly "When they saw us, they both ran away to the west" She gestured behind us "I didn't think we had time to chase them"
"You're right" He smiled at her "So - can we take all these ships?"
"Yes, my Lord" She beamed.
"Really?" He looked at the assembled fleet, then at his army, which numbered less than 30 "Are you sure?"
"Turns out they have vast acres of slaves locked up, who were only to willing to help us crew the ship, as long as we get them the hell away from the army of the dead"
"Excellent!" He looked around "Shall we go?"
"Yes, my Lord"
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