FicWad

Disclaimer: I don't own so don't sue please. Story is mine.

WARNINGS: Swearing ... that's it. I'm sorry. Makes up for the insanity of later chapters.


Chapter Eight


Gerard smiled awkwardly at Mikey and his brother returned it, if possible looking even more awkward about the whole situation then he knew he himself did. One thing was for certain, someone had to break the silence.

"So ... Anyone going to say anything?" he asked rubbing his bandaged hand through his hair as he let out a heavy sigh.

"That's a very good question Gerard. Does anyone want to say anything?" the psychiatrist asked, examining the many faces around the room in turn.

Gerard resisted the urge to go over there and smack her across her stupidly smiling face. Why did she have to repeat everything he said like that? He wasn't a child, he wasn't stupid.

Somehow, knowing that he was insane seemed to give him the upper hand. He knew what his problem was and perhaps he even knew how to fix it, but like he told his other self, it wasn't that simple. Life was more complicated then just opening your mouth and saying what you want to say.

Still, just the fact he knew what was wrong with him gave him some sort of satisfaction. It made him fell like he didn't need the therapy. That was enough to keep him smugly unbreakable.

"W-well ..." Mikey began and every face in the room turned to look at him. "Err ... nothing."

"No, come on Michael. Whatever it is, you can say it here," the psychiatrist urged him on kindly. Too kindly. Gerard rolled his eyes, Mikey didn't, he was taking this very seriously.

"Well, I guess I wanna know what you talk about," Mikey asked, looking nervous. He was looking at the psychiatrist more then he was looking at Gerard, as though unsure the question was appropriate.

Naturally, this only pissed Gerard off more. He hated that his brother wasn't looking at him, hated that he was asking questions to the uptight shrink then directly at him like he always did before.

"That's a good question Mikey. Gerard?" the shrink asked, nodding in Gerard's direction. He couldn't believe that they had all been reduced to this.

"I don't understand the question," he said, flicking his lighter around in his hand. He hated confrontations, he needed a smoke.

"Your brother wants to know what you and this other personality talk about."

Gerard fought back the urge to throw the lighter across the room and at her head. He hated how she managed to make him feel even worse by calling the blonde-headed Gerard a 'personality' rather then an actual person. He knew why she was doing it, but it just made him madder.

"Then my brother can locate his balls and ask me the question himself," Gerard responded harshly.

"Come on man, we're trying alright," Frank said fiercely from his side, as he clearly didn't approve of Gerard's attitude.

When Gerard had come to after the whole incident with his 'split personality', Lindsey had been there by his side again. Fussing over him, tears in her eyes as she continued to beg him to talk to her. Gerard was so confused by what had happened, the conversation with his twin running around and around in his head so loudly that it blocked out everything else and he was unable to even come up with a substantial excuse for her.

So, back to the psychiatrist he went only this time he refused to discuss anything with her. The shrink went back to the doctor and explained that Gerard didn't fit the description of someone who was insane so it wasn't like they sent him off to an institution like he feared. Instead they merely put him in a more secure room and organized this little group therapy session.

Now, of course, Mikey, Frank and Lindsey didn't need therapy, but the purpose of the group discussion was for him to try and open up to his loved ones. That wasn't quite so easy, especially when the people in the discussion were all to do with the reason he was slowly loosing his mind.

One thing he was grateful of though was the fact his parents weren't there. He said he preferred it if they were absent, he didn't want them to see how stubborn he was going to be and he knew he would only argue with them. Bob and Ray had wanted to attend, but the psychiatrist had explained it was probably a bit much for the whole band to be there at this point in time.

Gerard was sitting on his hospital bed, legs dangling over the side, fingers wrapped around the lighter. Frank had sat down next to him, cross-legged, playing with the rip on his jeans awkwardly. Lindsey and Mikey sat on chairs further away from him; they were finding this harder to deal with then Frank.

Frank was easy going, he didn't judge. Sure, he wanted to help, especially when the doctor had notified them all that he had knocked himself unconscious, given himself a black eye in doing so and cutting up his hand.

The hand was harder to explain, he told them how it was because he was pushed to the floor, but the doctor seemed to think it was self inflicted. Lindsey and Mikey believed the doctor and when Gerard wouldn't speak to them like he usually did, always confiding in them, they became a little distant.

And that was why they were all here now, to try and fix him. He wanted to make it right, he really did. In not telling them what was happening, he was doing exactly what he was afraid the other him was going to do; drag them all away, everyone he loved, so that he was all on his own.

Yet, how the hell was he supposed to explain it to them? It wasn't like he could just announce that it was because he liked Frank but was afraid to say it because it would drag Lindsey away and then ultimately Mikey as well as he would probably be too disgusted in him.

"Mikey? Why don't you ask your brother the question," the shrink said, turning to Mikey with that same smile.

Mikey cleared his throat and looked at his brother, a deep sadness in his eyes; he was clearly finding the whole thing very hard to deal with.

"Gee ... what were you talking about with this - err - other you?"

Gerard sighed loudly. "Stuff ... stuff and things Mikes."

"Gerard really, when the hell are you going to start talking to us?" Lindsey intervened crossly, not liking his answer one bit.

"What? What do you want me to say?" he protested angrily. He hated this group therapy, it was very degrading.

"I want you to open up your mouth and explain it to us. We love you Gee, we just want to help, but we can't help if you don't say anything. Tell us what's wrong!"

Gerard looked away from her angrily, beside him; Frank nodded his head in agreement.

"Oh so what? You agree with her?" he complained angrily, furious that his best friend wasn't even on his side. "Fucking fine ... ask another question, I'm done with that one."

He tossed the lighter aside and crossed his arms across his chest angrily instead. Frank didn't say anything, he merely looked at him as though unsure whether to laugh at his childishness or not. Lindsey and Mikey just looked at each other in frustration.

The shrink wasn't fazed at all by all the yelling and she inspected everyone closely. "Anyone else have a question to ask Gerard?"

"Uh - yeah I do," Frank said, raising his hand.

"You don't have to raise your hand Frank, we're not in school!" Gerard grabbed Franks hand and pulled it down. The butterflies immediately raced back into his stomach at the touch of Frank’s skin and he quickly pulled his hand away when it was clear he was going to leave it down.

"Good Frank. Go ahead," the shrink said, giving him permission.

"So - um - okay. Why'd you punch yourself - and your hand ... what happened there?" Frank asked, staring him straight in the eye, asking the question right at him, no awkwardness and no hesitation.

Gerard was going to say another sarcastic reply, but something about the way Frank asked it made him feel it was okay to tell the truth. He tore his eyes away from Frank quickly; the eye contact was only making the butterflies increase. Why did he have to feel like this, towards Frank of all people?

"I didn't punch myself. Least, I wasn't intending to," he took a deep breath as he tried to figure out the best way to talk about his other self. "It was aimed at the other me but, he kind of disappeared. As for the hand, well, he was pushing me around and I landed on the broken glass and well ... yeah."

Frank nodded, seemingly happy with the response. The shrink didn't seem so satisfied, now that he was finally talking, she wanted to take advantage of that and she kept pressing on what he had just said.

"And why were you trying to hit your other personality?" she said, Gerard didn't like that she was talking; he would have much rather just kept answering Frank's questions.

"Because he asked me to," he replied bluntly.

"Why did he ask you to?"

"I don't fucking know! He just did, he's fucking insane alright!"

Frustrated again, he turned his eyes to the window and inspected the trees and the blue sky outside. He hated this place, he wanted to be back outside, on tour even, playing with the band. Why did everything have to change?

"Was he angry at what the two of you had been discussing?" she pressed, obviously trying to push him further and further.

"Okay you know what, I think we're done. Fuck you alright, I already said I don't want to talk about it," Gerard got up from the bed, grabbed his lighter and the pack of cigarettes on his bedside table.

"Gee, sit back down," Lindsey begged him, clearly not getting what she wanted out of the group therapy.

"No! I can't answer your questions alright, I don't want to, so there's no point in talking anymore!" he shouted in frustration as he determined whether he really wanted to leave or not. He didn't want to see his twin again, he wanted to get help, but he couldn't discuss anything with them, ever.

"Gee please -"

"Lynz, let him go, he's not ready," Frank silenced her; looking as though he was unfazed by Gerard's behavior.

Gerard paused only for a minute to stare at Frank. More then anything, he wanted to just shout at Frank, tell him everything. His friend understood him, knew him too well and cared for him enough to settle Lindsey down so he could get out of there. The feelings were back, they were dancing around in his head. Would it really make all this go away if he just explained to Frank how he felt?

Frank seemed to notice that his hasty movements around the room had stopped and he looked at him in confusion. Gerard suddenly realised he was staring and without hesitation he quickly exited the room and headed for the courtyard.

It was to over populated; he didn't want to be around people, he didn't want to be around anyone, pulling up his collar high, he headed past the desk at the reception area of the hospital and walked straight out the front door.

He wasn't going anywhere, he couldn’t just escape, he was a grown man with a home and a wife and a job, he couldn't just disappear. All he wanted was some privacy and he marched over to a sunny spot on a bench just beyond the car park. The moment he got there he sat down and lit up a cigarette.

"Oh fuck that's good," he sighed in appreciation as he inhaled the toxic fumes.

Gerard wasn't sure how long he had been sitting there for when suddenly he wasn't alone. Another person came up and sat right by his side, just close enough that there arms brushed up against each other, but he didn't pull away, it wasn't awkward, he knew who it was.

"I'm sorry Mikey ... I know I always tell you everything, but this ... well, you know I'd honestly have a really good reason for not telling you - other wise I would, I swear it man!"

"It's cool Gee," Mikey explained, smiling at him for the first time in days.

To Gerard, it was like all his problems had disappeared. He loved his brother, he could tell him everything, he was the one person that had and would always be there for him and right now, it was all he really needed. He put an arm around him affectionately and ruffled up his neat hair.

"Do we really have to do these group things again?" he asked, scrunching up his face in protest.

Mikey laughed, batting away Gerard's hand and trying to re-flatten his hair. "That chicks a little patronizing isn't she?"

"Mikey ... you have no fucking idea."

They sat for a few moments, Gerard smoking, Mikey just enjoying that his brother seemed to still be himself despite all the craziness he was going through. Then, just like that, Gerard suddenly felt very safe. He could tell Mikey anything, he loved him, he was the only person that wouldn't judge him.

"Frank," he explained, saying the name simply and freely with a small sigh.

Mikey looked at him in confusion. "Huh?"

"I'm answering your question."

"With Frank? That's your answer?" Mikey asked, still looking thoroughly confused.

"Yeah. That's what we talk about, mostly."

Gerard puffed on his cigarette as he looked away from his brother. He knew it would only take Mikey a few moments before he figured it out, he knew him to well. Gerard didn't seem to mind though, it actually felt good to get it off his chest and for the first time in a long time, he felt strangely content.

"I don't understand Gee ... why do you talk about Frank?"

"Um - it's complicated," Gerard admitted as that was really the only answer for all of this. It was fucking complicated.

"Has he said something to you? Done something to you? I don't get it Gee, why would he be the only thing you talk about?" Mikey seemed unable to ask Gerard the one question he clearly wanted to, but he didn't mind, it was okay now, he could talk to Mikey.

"He's not the only thing we talk about, but it is not very often we discuss anything else."

Gerard cleared his throat as he stamped out the cigarette. Mikey seemed to be struggling with what to say next, Gerard could tell that his brother was thinking furiously, running thoughts around in his head, trying to piece it all together.

He rolled his eyes, deciding that he would spare his brother the awkwardness. "I like him Mikey ... more then a friend."

"Oh," Mikey exclaimed, rubbing a hand through his hair awkwardly. "Fuck Gee, why didn't you just say that before?"

"Because I figured, if anything, my own brother would be smart enough to figure it out."

"Well, you don't exactly make it all that obvious. You've hidden it well, I think," Mikey looked confused again. "I mean there were some on-stage antics and stuff and the whole Bert thing made me think about whether you were ... well, you know -"

"Gay?" Gerard once again spared Mikey the embarrassment.

"Yeah ... but I figured it was just a faze. Just experimenting, I mean you know how unpredictable you can be."

"I'm not unpredictable!" Gerard defended himself, Mikey smiled.

"Falling into a coma when you just went to go to the toilet, punching yourself in the head ... no Gee, you're not unpredictable at all," Mikey said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Gerard couldn't help but laugh as he lit up another cigarette, he really needed them today. Mikey fell silent once again and Gerard could almost hear his brain sorting through thoughts, throwing them around trying to find the right ones.

"You have another question?" Gerard asked, imitating the shrink’s voice.

Mikey laughed, but then it faded. "What I don't understand though is why something so simple as that has made you, well - you know, go slightly bonkers."

"Because it's not that simple Mikey. I'm married, he's married. I've shown some gay tendencies before, Frank hasn't - not once, not ever."

"Oh, so it's that serious. I mean, you've really thought about this then and you really have feelings for Frank?" Mikey continued to make and break eye contact with Gerard in a sort of pattern. It was obvious he hadn't been expecting this; Gerard wished his brother was a little more understanding, but he supposed it would just have to wait until it all sunk in.

"Yeah ... I really do Mikey. But, it just doesn't work. My problem is I can't tell him, if I do it ruins everything, if I don't I'm probably going to loose my mind."

"Then you should definitely tell him. It's Frank, he'll understand," Mikey said, shrugging his shoulders as though the whole thing was settled and he had finally come to terms with it so quickly.

"But Lindsey, she'll have to know. It can't end well," he shook his head, urging Mikey to understand. "I don't want to be alone Mikes."

His brother bit his lip, clearly thinking. "But Gee ... I hate seeing you hurt yourself."

Mikey looked at him sadly and Gerard couldn't help but feel a little helpless. Now he was hurting his own baby brother as well, all because he had screwed everything up by fighting his feelings for as long as he could remember.

"Hey, it's off my chest now ... who knows, maybe it will all go away," Gerard explained with a smile. "I'm going to start taking those pills anyway, see how they work for me. Maybe this whole thing will just blow over."

Gerard smiled at Mikey and he returned it, but there was still a deep sadness in his eyes that Gerard didn't quite understand. He knew it was difficult, for all of them really, but there wasn't much he could do. All that was left was for him to try.

He would try to live every day as it came, try to let the medication work, try to talk to Lindsey more, open up to her. Gerard was definitely going to start to try harder.

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AN: Okay, you'll probably only get one chapter updates a night now. But they wil be almost every night. Only because you are all such reviewers. Themore you review the more I want to reward you all with another chapter because you're all too kind.
Hope you are still enjoying. Don't get bored. The next chapter is gonig to be so so crazy and look out cause there's finally FERARD!!!!!!!! Or FRERARD! Or whatever, lol. So YAY! I wont keep you waiting long.