FicWad

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. I do own the story.

WARNINGS: Swearing, self harm, insanity, sexual situations, drug use ... that could be it.

Note from me: ... I'm sorry. LOL! Enjoy...


Chapter Nine


"You certainly seem to be in a better mood." Lindsey smiled as she pulled Gerard into a tight hug.

"It's because I'm going home. Why wouldn't I be in a good mood?”

Somehow he couldn't get rid of the smile off his face. He was going home, he was finally going to get out of the hospital and go home to his own bed. Real food, real friends, real family, he was free at last.

"So you got everything then?" she asked, breaking the hug to scan the room, making sure he hadn't left anything behind.

"I've checked several times Lynz; I haven't forgotten anything I can assure you. I'm not taking any chances; I don't ever want to see this place again!"

Lindsey laughed and hugged him again. She was clearly very happy that she was finally going to have him back again.

Leaving was easy to do. He said goodbye to his doctor, goodbye to the nurses that had been nice to him during his stay and walked out of the doors without the slightest hesitation. He was not going to miss the place.

"Are the guys going to throw me a welcome back party?" he asked, knowing that they had been planning something.

"Don't ask me that Gee -"

"There at our place now right? Come on you can tell me," he said, grabbing her arm and tugging on it gently, beginning to be told. He didn't hate surprises, but he liked to know they were coming.

"Stop asking me," she protested. And Gerard could already tell that they would be there, she wasn't good at keeping secrets.

"You're so bad at this game!" he shouted excitedly as he realised that everyone was going to be waiting for him back home.

"Get in the car Gee," she said crossly, realizing she had spilled the beans.

The whole trip home Gerard was tapping his leg anxiously against the floor of the car, he was just so happy to be gone from that place.

Over the past week, he had taken his medication, attended therapy and kept having conversations with Mikey. The blonde-haired Gerard was nowhere to be seen. His sleeping was dream free and the only visitors he had during the day were real people.

He didn't tell the psychiatrist much, but it seemed Mikey had explained to her that they were having their own discussions because she seemed pleased with his progress. His doctor didn't really see the point in keeping him on any longer, he had taken well to the medication, he didn't need the sleeping pills and they had no more accidents whatsoever.

So, he had been released which was a fantastic feeling. Weighed down with more medication then he knew he needed, he had taken it with a smile, if only to get the hell out of there without anymore arguments.

"You know, if it was supposed to be a surprise, they could have tried to hide all of their cars a little better," Gerard explained as he spotted the four extra cars in their drive-way as they pulled up at their house.

They grabbed his bags and headed towards the house. Entering, they found Mikey and Alisha, Frank, Bob and Ray all sitting in the lounge room playing guitar hero.

"Oh shit, Gee's here you guys," Ray announced, pausing the game. Bob growled in frustration as he had clearly been getting into it.

"So uh -" Frank began; making sure everyone was with him.

"Surprise!" they all yelled, sounding as though none of them could really be bothered.

"That was pathetic! And your cars were all in the drive-way," Gerard complained.

"Yeah well, we figured Lynz would have already given it away by now," Mikey explained and Lindsey shouted at him in protest.

"Hmmm ... we know each other to well," Gerard said, accepting the poor excuse for a surprise. It was better this way anyhow, much more like the guys to pull something like this. It only increased his happiness further.

"Man it's good to have you back," Ray confessed, hugging him briefly.

"Yeah ... good to have you back, now un-pause the game Toro," Bob whined, waving at Gerard before turning back to the screen eagerly. Gerard laughed.

Mikey and Alisha hugged him as well and then it was Frank's turn. Warm, comfortable and perhaps Gerard clung on a little too tightly, but he didn't care. He was home, he was safe and he really didn't mind what he did.

"Where's Jamia?" Gerard asked Frank as he and Lindsey set about making coffee for everyone.

"At her parents place, it's there anniversary," he explained, shrugging absent mindedly.

Gerard was going to ask why Frank wasn't there to but he dropped it and carried on with the coffees. Frank helped them, much quieter then he usually was, it was kind of unsettling.

"Everything alright Frank?" he finally decided to ask when he couldn't take it any longer.

"Huh? Yeah, I'm just tired that's all," he smiled, but it was a little strained.

"Well, get this into you. It'll help." Gerard handed the small guitarist a coffee and he accepted it happily.

"Fuck! I'll never sleep again! How much did you put in this Gee?" Frank asked, his face lighting up as he sipped at the extremely potent drink.

"Couple of scoops ... pretty sure the spoon was like standing upright in it," he laughed as Frank's eyes seemed to get wider with every sip.

"I recon it'll do the trick."

They joined the shouting Bob in the lounge room as he was doing his victory dance at having beaten Mikey again.

"You see ... this is why we never play with you anymore," Mikey complained, passing the guitar on to Frank roughly. "Here, kick his ass Frankie."

Frank grabbed the guitar eagerly and as the song began he was already bouncing around, bumping into Bob roughly.

"Stop it Frank," Bob complained as he lost the grip he had on his guitar and missed several notes.

Frank continued to jump around, he was missing more notes then he was getting as he wasn't really watching the screen, but he was distracting Bob so much that he was actually starting to win.

"Alright, go Frankie!" Ray shouted excitedly as he watched them from the floor.

Gerard sipped at his coffee as he watched Frank jump around the room. He felt guilty because he knew he was staring, checking out Frank when Lindsey was sitting right next to him. Thinking things he probably shouldn't be. He tried to inspect his coffee mug instead, but he couldn't help it, Frank just demanded too much of his attention.

"I'll be right back," Gerard said, turning to Lindsey. She nodded, still smiling as she watched Frank crash into Bob causing him to completely forget about what was happening on the screen and put all of his attention in to trying to hit Frank back.

Glad for the break for a while, he grabbed his bags which had been abandoned by the front door and walked off with them into his and Lindsey’s bed room. Breathing in the scent of the room, he felt very much at peace with everything ... it was good to be home.

Tossing his bags on the bed he took a moment just to look around. Everything was just like he had left it; Lindsey hadn't moved any of his things or changed anything around at all. It reminded him just how much time she had spent with him at the hospital the past week and a half.

Breathing in a sigh of contentment, he unzipped his bag and started unpacking everything. He considered simply throwing everything out, or burning it, he didn't want to be reminded of his hospital stay at all. Unfortunately though he liked half the clothes he had worn at the hospital, Mikey had picked out all of his favourites so he could feel comfortable whilst he stayed there.

When the first bag was unpacked, he shoved it under the bed and moved to the second bag. Unzipping it, he sighed at the bags contents. Pills. Lots of pills. For sleeping, for anxiety and for his personality problem. It sucked, he hated them all, but it was taking them that allowed him to go home in the first place.

"Hey Gee ... need any help unpacking?"

Gerard abandoned the bag and turned around to face the small figure with hands in their pockets, leaning in his door way. Frank grinned at him and waved, Gerard smiled back. Was it his imagination or did things seem a little awkward between them?

"Err ... Na; I'm pretty much done here. Thanks anyway," he replied, pushing the bag with all his pills further up the bed and out of site.

Frank nodded in understanding but didn't leave; instead he entered the room and sat down on the bed, his hands still in his pockets as he looked around.

"Wow, you know, I haven't even seen your room yet. It's just like your bunk area on tour only bigger," Frank laughed. It seemed sort of strained though.

Gerard knew something was fairly off and he was going to find out what it was. "Frank ... something wrong?"

There was a pause as Frank bit his lip ring nervously. Gerard watched him closely but then, once again realised he was staring, taking in every part of Frank.

Unsure of whether or not Frank had noticed, Gerard diverted his eyes, thinking of ways he could perhaps get out of this situation. He was on such a high from being out of hospital and Frank simply looked so good today that he was unsure if he could trust himself to be alone with him.

"Um ... Mikey said something to me the other day," Frank explained and Gerard's eyes were immediately drawn back to his.

SHIT! Did he know? He thought as he inspected Frank's expression closely as though hoping to read it and understand what he was thinking. But he knew Mikey would never have dobbed him in, at least, he thought he wouldn't have dobbed him in. What if his brother had told Frank everything?

“... right," Gerard urged him on, not really sure if he wanted to hear what he had to say or not.

"It wasn't anything bad or anything, it just got me thinking that's all ... have I done something wrong?"

Gerard almost laughed, barely noticing that he had been holding his breath the whole time whilst Frank had been talking. It wasn't what he expected to hear, but he was glad to hear it.

Frank clearly didn't find it funny, it seemed that the reason his friend was so down and out was because he was still worried that he had done something to Gerard. His facial expression was heart breaking to say the least. Gerard sat himself down next to Frank with a heavy sigh.

"I told you before Frank, none of this is your fault. What did Mikey say that made you think that anyway?"

"He just told me that I needed to talk to you, that we needed to talk," Frank explained, clearly uncertain whether he should drag Mikey into it. "And I know Mikey Gee, it wasn't like he was saying it just because we should talk because we're friends and all and we have to, it was more like we needed to talk."

"Oh ..." was all Gerard found himself able to say. His brother hadn't ratted him out, he was merely looking out for him, but Frank could read them too well. They spent way to much time together.

"Yeah ... and I noticed before, remember. I know you said it was nothing, but I can't shake it from my head Gee. When you were lying on that floor saying my name, it was like you were in pain, it was as though, I don't know, I was hurting you or something."

Gerard just stared at Frank, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do. How was he going to get his way out of this one? His heart was beating faster, he was suddenly very aware of it. He was so close to Frank, he smelt so good, looked even better and yet, Gerard couldn't have him, he could never have him.

As that thought crossed his mind, the weariness returned and Gerard lowered his head and pinched the top of his nose as he shut his eyes in defeat. The feelings weren't going away.

"Gee ... what's up?" Frank questioned worriedly as he moved in closer. Gerard looked up in horror at just how close Frank was to him now. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he control his feelings today?

"Nothing Frank. Honestly, the whole thing ... it's nothing."

"You don't honestly think I'm going to fall for that one. I know I'm not imagining it Gee. Something's up. And I've tried and I've tried but I honestly can't think of anything I could have done to put you through all of this. Please, you have to explain it to me."

"I - I can't," he stuttered out, unable to look at Frank, but unable to tear his eyes away from him either. It was all too much; he suddenly felt tired, worn out, he just wanted to crawl into bed and pretend this conversation wasn't happening, that these feelings weren't real.

"Gee, you have to. Please, tell me what I've done wrong Gee, try and explain it to me!"

Frank was pleading with him and Gerard could see the desperation in his eyes. He was so close, he was right there, he had always been right there but he had just never had the guts to close the gap, to say what he wanted to say.

It was then something just seemed to snap inside of him. He looked at Frank as he watched him closely, waiting for the answer, his eyes searching his. Gerard took in every inch of his face, every inch of his body and he knew he was going to loose this battle. He wanted Frank, he needed Frank and there was nothing he could do about it.

"You've done nothing wrong Frank," he explained. He could feel his heart hammering against his chest, his breathing was heavy, his hands were sweaty and the butterflies were flapping around so powerfully in his stomach that they seemed to cause a wave of adrenalin to simply take over him.

As Frank looked at him in confusion and opened his mouth to speak, Gerard silenced him by grabbing hold of the collar of his shirt and pulling him in, to close the gap, to kiss him at last.

His lips met Franks and somehow his tongue already found its way into his mouth. Frank wasn't exactly kissing back, but he didn't fight him away either. Gerard wasn't even sure if Frank was enjoying it, he wasn't sure if anyone would enjoy it. It was desperate, it was needy ... was it to much?

There was a moan from Frank and Gerard seemed to suddenly snap out of his trance, he quickly pulled away, jumping up from the bed and backing away from the shocked and panting guitar player until he collided with his chest of drawers.

" ... I'm sorry Frank ... I'm so, so sorry. You see, it's not you. It's me - I'm just fucked up," Gerard explained, running a hand through his hair.

But Frank didn't seem to be listening; he simply looked towards the door and then looked at Gerard with an unreadable expression on his face.

"Gee ... Do that again," he insisted, it was clear he couldn't believe the words had left his mouth, but he didn't take them back.

"What?" Gerard asked, looking confused.

Frank licked his lips nervously but never took his piercing eyes off Gerard's.

"Do it again ..." Frank instructed, hesitating slightly as though unsure whether he should get up or wait for Gerard to come to him.

The taste of Frank was still on his lips and he didn't need telling twice, the invitation was all he needed and he marched towards him and pushed Frank backwards on to the bed, he fell on top of him and kissed him once again on the lips. They didn't need coaxing open, Frank was already accepting Gerard's tongue into his mouth and this time - he kissed back.

Gerard let out a gentle groan as he felt a warm, tingling sensation sore through the lower part of his body. Frank's hands were under the back of his shirt, rubbing along his spine, driving him crazy at the touch.

This was what he wanted, this was what he needed. He suddenly felt that everything was alright, everything was perfect. All that he felt was hunger, a hunger for Frank. He straddled his hips, grinding against him until their lips broke apart just so they could both take a moment to moan at the pleasurable feeling in unison.

But, something didn't seem right and Gerard suddenly realised that maybe this was all just an act. Frank had been pretty upset that whatever was wrong with Gerard was his fault, he was his best friend and he would do anything to help.

He remembered what the clone had said, that he would force Frank's hand, make it so he had no other choice but to like him back, even if it wasn't real. Of course Frank would play along! If only to keep Gerard from going insane for a little while longer. It was his first day back home, Frank had been worried and he was only doing this so that he could be well again. This was all wrong!

Quickly, he pulled away from Frank kneeling above him, his arms on either said of the guitarists head as he panted, fighting his body which was screaming out for him to continue.

"What's wrong?" Frank asked, just as puzzled, just as shocked, just as confused.

Gerard leapt off him, pacing the room as his thoughts raced and weariness threatened to take over him.

"This is wrong Frank ... you can't do this to me. I don't want your pity," he argued, pacing and pacing.

Frank sat up on the bed, looking, if anything slightly embarrassed. "W-what the hell are you talking about?"

"You can't just play along and hope that it makes everything alright!"

"What? Gee ... please. I-I'm confused. I don't know what I did wrong. Did I - should I not have - um - Gerard ... I'm sorry."

Frank rubbed at his chest as he glanced around the room nervously. As though suddenly realizing what they had both just been doing, Frank swore loudly and covered his head with his hands. Gerard just watched him, heart still hammering in his chest. He wanted him so badly it ached, his whole body ached.

"Fuck you," Gerard shouted angrily, as he struggled to fight off the urge to just continue what they had just been doing whether Frank was just pretending or not.

But he couldn't, he wouldn't and with that, he kicked the chest of drawers in frustration and stormed over to the adjacent bathroom and slammed, then locked the door.

Gerard stumbled against the sink and inspected his face in the mirror. He jumped at what he saw in his reflection, he wasn't alone, a blonde-haired identical twin was standing right next to him, his face contorted with rage.

"What the fuck did you walk away for?" the blonde asked, looking furiously at him.

Gerard backed away and almost thought about running back out and taking his chances with Frank instead.

"Get away from me! He was playing me, you don't understand!"

"He wasn't fucking playing you!"

He couldn't explain it, he was terrified. He had taken his medication, he was better, why was he back now? What was he doing wrong?

The blonde suddenly lunged at him, but Gerard was beginning to know him to well and he quickly dodged the death grip and swung open one of the vanity's draws. The twin Gerard spun around to try and get him again but by now Gerard had located the sharp pair of scissors he and Lindsey kept in the draw and waved them around dangerously.

"Stay back. I'm serious, I'll use them," he said, feeling slightly stupid at his choice of weapon, but it was all he had access to and it seemed to do the trick, the blonde backed away.

"Don't be stupid Gerard; you know you can't hurt me."

"I don't care, don't come near me." He waved the weapon around again, just to let him know he was serious.

"Put the scissors away and get back out there. Why the hell did you fucking walk away?"

The blonde shouted again and then punched the bathroom door loudly; Gerard actually flinched as the sound echoed around the bathroom.

Outside the door he could hear shouting and hurried footsteps, but he wasn't listening to the voices, he wasn't trying to recognize who was shouting, he was only focused on the blonde.

"Don't you get it? He was only playing along because he felt sorry for me, he thought it would make it better!" Gerard was furious, Frank knew now, it was over. Their friendship would be through!

"Are you that fucking fucked up?" the other Gerard continued to yell in anger. "Are you that unsure of yourself? He wanted it ... you seriously couldn't see that? You may as well stab me now Gerard, there's no point in it anymore. You're a lost cause!"

"Leave me alone, get out of my life! You're only making everything worse!" he shouted, moving closer, still holding the scissors out in warning.

"Go on, fucking do it Gerard! I dare you ... let’s see if you have the guts to actually kill me!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" he shouted angrily, blinded by his rage, he couldn't take it anymore and he did exactly what the blonde asked him to do. He plunged the scissors forward with a great force, striking hard.

"W-what the hell?" the blonde asked, looking down.

He didn't even flinch; he merely looked confused as he suddenly inspected the real Gerard's face in shock. It was clear he was feeling fine, but Gerard was suddenly not feeling so good. Even though he was sure he had stabbed the blonde Gerard in front of him and not himself, he looked down to where his twin was staring and found that his trembling hands were holding the scissors into his own stomach.

"N-now look what you've done. You can't do anything right," the other him said loudly, suddenly looking very serious and very concerned.

Gerard let out a strangled whimper as the pain suddenly shot through his body. He felt sick, he felt wrong, painfully wrong. Over whelmed by the pain, he sunk to his knees, the blonde reached out to catch him, sinking to the ground with him.

"H-Help," Gerard cried out weakly as he clutched onto the figure in front of him, it was all he could do. Regardless of the blonde's help, he still hit the bathroom floor with a heavy thump which didn't help the pain.

He can't really help you, he's not really there. The voice in his head explained.

Clearly reading his thoughts as he always did, the other Gerard seemed to come to that same realization and he looked on helplessly as the real Gerard struggled to breath.

"Help? Why should I help?" the blonde tried to hold his mean demeanor, but it wasn't working for him, there was nothing but pity in his sad eyes. He reached for Gerard's hands and pulled them away from his stomach.

Gerard moaned as he felt the scissors being pulled out of the lower half of his body. He wrestled his hands back to the warm flowing liquid that was now spilling from the wound.

"I don't feel so good," he cried, as he felt tears stream down his face. His head was spinning and he was beginning to loose focus on everything around him. He was scared, he didn't want to die.

"This is your fault, you did this. Don't think I'm going to help you," the other him said, his voice shaking slightly as his hands joined Gerard's in trying to put pressure on the wound. The twin looked around the room wildly as though looking for something that would help.

"Get Mikey ... something's wrong," he breathed, barely audible as the pain coursed through him again.

The other figure watched on in shock and Gerard heard him cry out. He was calling to Mikey, calling to Frank, calling to everyone for help. Gerard didn't know why the twin suddenly cared so much, nor did he care. He needed his help, he needed his brother, he was going to die.

The bathroom door suddenly burst open and Gerard could just make out the terrified look on Mikey's face before his brother collapsed by his side. Frank cried out, but he couldn't hear him, he was slipping away. Lindsey, Alisha, Bob and Ray were all by the door, but they were fading away, he couldn't hold onto their faces any longer.

"NO GEE! Oh shit, what have you done bro?" Mikey sobbed, tears rolling down his face as he cradled his brother in his arms.

"I tried to get him ... I don't know where I went wrong," he whispered as he realised there was something warm trickling out of his mouth now as well.

"Oh fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Someone call an ambulance, please," Frank shouted towards the door as he dropped down to Mikey's side. There was desperation in Frank's voice as he clutched Gerard's stomach, clearly trying to stop the flow of blood.

Even though the other Gerard had held onto him until help had arrived, there was something far more comforting, something far more real about the way he was being held now. It was real, this wasn't fake, his friends and family were here.

"Mikey ... It's cold," he complained. Mikey's tears became more hysterical at these words.

"F-Frank, I don't know what to do," Mikey sobbed violently, looking away from Gerard and towards Frank for the answer.

From by the door, he could hear Bob yelling desperately into the phone. He felt useless, he couldn't do anything right, why was he so cold? He snuggled into his brothers heaving chest, trying to capture some of his warmth, to hang on that little bit longer.

"Stay with us Gee, please man, just stay with me," Frank pleaded, his voice shaking through the tears. He moved a hand from Gerard's stomach to push a hair from his face affectionately. Gerard could see that it was covered in blood and he moaned as his eyes tried to close on their own accord.

"No Gee, come on, keep them open," Mikey shouted, shaking him violently.

His eyes shot open again but he knew it wouldn't last. Eye lids heavy, mouth so dry, body so cold, he knew he was slowly slipping away. It was important he said something important, told everyone how much he loved them, but it was too much, he was going to die like this. Weak and pathetic.

"I-I'm so sorry Mikey, it's so hard," he sobbed, clutching onto his brother.

"Gee, just hold on okay, stop talking, you're going to be fine," Frank argued with him as Mikey seemed unable to say anything else. It was clear he didn't want to say any goodbyes, he wasn't ready for that.

Gerard turned to face Frank. It was hard to believe that just moments ago he had been so close to getting what he wanted, to having Frank all to himself. In his friends eyes he could see fear, he could see anger perhaps, at himself, and worst of all, he thought he could see love. But it couldn't be, it wouldn't be. Had his other self been right? Did Frank really feel something? Had he ruined it all?

"Frankie ... I'm sorry ... J - just so, so sorry," he said weakly as his breathing became too painful.

Franks brown eyes looked at him in shock as Mikey held onto him tighter, rocking backwards and forwards with him.

"Gee ... no ... please," Frank stuttered out, but Gerard barely heard the words.

"I'm so sorry," he said for the last time as he gave up and let himself slip away into darkness.

-----

AN: And, on that note, I bid you all farewell. I'm not going to write anymore. I'm sorry ... ha ha ha. Just kidding. Fun, fun, fun. Well, not for Gerard I'm sure, but it was so satisfying to finally post this chapter. This is sort of the beginning of the end. Maybe, I'm not to sure.
As usual, would really love to know what you think. You guys are my rock. My solid rock.