FicWad

The sun finally broke over the horizon to hang low in the morning sky. Light spilled into James's room, splashing across his face.

He stirred, eyes tightening. One arm reached out, searching for the warm body who'd kept him company the night before. Found only empty space.

James opened his eyes to find himself alone. Jack was gone, as he needed to be, of course. He knew this. Expected it. Had already been surprised twice: once by his reappearance and once by waking to find Jack and his son together.

Still. There was a twinge, just above his stomach. In his chest. Loneliness. Regret. Longing.

On the table was a small stone, like one of the baubles in Jack's hair. He picked it up and found an etching of a moon and star on it. A hole had been ground through the stone, small.

He smiled. Perhaps he could not adorn his hair as the pirate did, but he could keep this bauble close by. The hawk left last time was in his study, on top of his globe. This was small enough to keep closer.

Three days passed swiftly. Final preparations were made. The ship was stocked, crew readied.

And then the day came. The sun peeked over the horizon to find James awake and dressed already. He sat in Gavin's nursery, gazing at his sleeping son.

Never had he felt like this. Since birth, practically, James had longed to be at sea. Longed for the wind against his face. The tang of salt in the air. The swift movement that was the closest he would ever get to flying. It's where he belonged. Where his heart and soul were.

Until now. Until one tiny being was thrust into his life.

One little boy, with down wisps of hair. With eyes as green as the sea. With full cheeks and a full bow in his lips. Tiny hands and feet. So delicate. So fragile.

So very loved.

It was impossible to think of leaving him. And yet, he must. Because, as he'd told Jack so long ago, he served others, and not just himself. And it wasn't as if Gavin would know. Would understand.

Dear God, he was just a child. He wouldn't understand. He'd think James had abandoned him.

James took a deep breath. Rubbed his eyes.

Such thinking would only lead to madness. Gavin would be fine. He had Mariah. And the Turners. And, perhaps, Jack, should he choose to come back to check on the child.

There was a knock at the door.

He said nothing.

The door creaked open. Soft footsteps sounded on the floor. The light, delicate gait of his housemate.

A small hand on his shoulder. "He will be fine, James."

He nodded. Frowned. "He will forget me."

"Never."

"He will. He is young. Out of sight, out of mind."

She came around and knelt at his feet. "Very well. Then, when you come back, he'll remember you. He'll still be young, you'll shower him with love as you do now, and he'll become accustomed to you once more. Remember how he loves you. His father." Mariah reached up and touched his cheek.

"I never should have taken him in," he said. "It was the height of selfishness. To condemn him to a life with an absent father. I should have.. said no. Admit that... Allow the Turners to raise him."

Expressive blue eyes rolled. "And then you'd be down on yourself for not taking responsibility. For forcing the Tuners to raise a child not your own. Every time anything happened to Gavin, you'd blame yourself. The slightest illness, a scratch, all your fault for not doing what you perceived to be an honorable thing."

She was right.

James smiled wryly. "I'm impossible to live with, aren't I?"

"Not impossible, no. But predictable in your need to take the weight of the world on your shoulders." She sat back on her heels. "You managed well enough with a sailor father."

"Yes. But I had a mother." He realized what he said almost immediately. Horror blossomed in his chest, and he moved forward as Mariah pulled away. Caught her hands. "I'm sorry," he said urgently. "I didn't mean.... Of course, Gavin has you. He loves you. You're the only mother he's ever known, and words cannot express how much your... everything that you do has meant to me. Mariah, I..."

"Calm yourself, James." She sat up again, and with him bent forward, their heads were level. "I understand what you meant. There is a difference between a mother and... whatever I've become. More than a wet nurse, less than, well. A mother."

He swallowed, feeling as though his heart were in his throat. "You are more his mother than anyone else in the world. And I thank God every day for you."

Her cheeks colored and she looked away. "Thank you, James."

James cleared his throat. His hands tightened momentarily, then he pulled away. Stood. "I should be off. We leave in a few hours."

Mariah stood as well. "Off with the tide." She went to the cradle and put her hand on the side. "We'll be out to say farewell." She looked at him. "Everything will be fine, James. No child every died from missing his father. And no father has died of the same, either."

"Of course." He offered her a smile, then went to the cradle. Bending over, he pressed his lips to Gavin's warm cheek. Stroked his forehead. "Good-bye, little man. You take care of the city while I'm gone, right?" He slipped his finger into Gavin's fist. Smiled when it was lifted to Gavin's mouth to suck on. "And don't worry Mariah or your Aunt Elizabeth too much. Understand?"

Gavin sucked particularly hard on James's finger. Kicked his feet.

James smiled and kissed him again. "Good boy."