FicWad

"Eowyn - come back from where ever you are" Cedric leaned over Ginny, and whispered in her ear "Your job is not yet done, and besides - if I don't bring you back I think that Eomer will beat the living crap out of me"

"Damn right" Eomer glared at him "First you seduce her, then you cause her to come all the way out here cause she wants to get in to your pants..."

"Well, that would explain the clothes she's wearing now" Luna muttered "But a cross-dressing princess of the realm won't go down well back home" She realised everyone was staring at her "Sorry"

"So - make her well, otherwise, when we are done, you and I will be taking this outside" Cedric stared at him for a moment, then gulped.

"Okay - I will see what I can do" He leaned over to Luna "Do you think if I found her another boyfriend, she might be willing to come back?"

"It's possible, but I can't think of anyone available" Luna glanced around, then smirked "Although, now I come to think about it" Cedric followed her gaze, and saw Draco and Neville talking in the corner.

"Malfoy? Really?"

"It's a match made in Valinor. She wants someone rich and famous, and he wants someone who isn't as pretty as he is" Luna smirked "I say we go for it" Cedric nodded, then turned back to the prone figure.

"My Lady - come back to me. I have found you someone to love, who is better than me"

"Really?" Ginny sat bolt upright, grinning "Who? When can I meet him? Is he cute?"

"My work here is done" Cedric gave her a short bow, then turned and followed Luna to the next room, where Charlie was lying.

"Lord Faramir - return from whence you are to rejoin us" Cedric stared down "Or, you know - just lie there" He turned to Luna "Any ideas?"

"Nope. He has no duty, since you are going to take over the throne. There are no real prospects for marriage, unless you are willing to give up Arwen" She caught sight of the look on his face "That's pretty much what I thought" She looked down at the prince "So - I really don't know"

"Hold on" Cedric smirked "If I am going to be ultimate ruler of everything, can't I break a few rules?"

"Well - no" Luna shook her head, then smiled "But only because your word is law, so you can't break it"

"Cool" He paused for a moment "I think I am going to enjoy this being King thing. Anyway" He looked down at Faramir "Hey - Gondor boy. I can't give you the city, cause it's mine, but I can give you the princedom of Ithilien. I think I remember someone telling me you really like it out there" He watched, then smiled as Faramir opened his eyes.

"Throw in a few kegs, and you have a deal"

"You need only ask" Cedric gave him another smile, then walked in to the third room. When Luna followed a moment later, he turned "Do I really have to fix this one?"

"Yes" Luna said sternly.

"But he's a total arse. And one of the most annoying people I ever met. And if we make him better, won't he just start bugging us again and again until we just want to drop-kick him in to Mount Doom?"

"Probably, yes" Luna nodded.

"So - why?"

"Because if you don't, then Pippin will have to take over his duties" She laughed out loud at the expression of horror on his face "I see you get my point"

"Okay. So - we heal him" He glanced down at the hobbit "And I think I know how..." He leaned down and whispered in to George's ear. A moment later, George's eyes snapped open, and he leaped off the bed, staring at Cedric.

"You serious? You are really going to do that?"

"You did Rohan a great service today, as well as my city. It is the least I can do" Cedric gave a deep bow "There is one condition, of course"

"It depends on whether we win the war?" George asked.

"Two conditions then" Cedric looked around "You promise to never, ever use any of your merchandise from the shop I am funding within the Minas Tirith City Limits"

"By your command, my King" George grinned from ear to ear, then looked around "I don't suppose you have any food? Or weed? I think I must have lost my pack somewhere..." He trailed off as he saw the sight of storms appear in Cedric's eyes "You know what - I think I can find it myself"

"Good choice" Luna remarked "But now - well now we should go. We are due to have a meeting in a few hours, and if we are to convince Slytherin boy of our plan, we will need all the rest we can get"

xoxox

"We really have to climb that hill?" Harry stood and pointed to the mountain that was about five miles away.

"Unless you want to try throwing the ring over the top of MOUNT DOOM..." Hermione stopped in surprise "I guess we really must be near the end of our trip?"

"Why? Because MOUNT DOOM is coming out in capitals?"

"Yeah - it means that, before the end of the chapter, we should get rid of the ring, once and for all" Hermione glanced at Ron "One way or another"

"And you are still not going to tell me how you plan to do it?"

"If you think about it, you already know"

"Oh" He looked up "But we really have to climb this hill?"

"Unless you want to try to throw the ring over the top of MO... of the top of the mountain?" She smirked "I could see Katie doing it, but she isn't here"

"Sister makes good thrower" Ron hissed. They turned and stared at him "Just saying"

"But she isn't here either, is she?" Harry asked, and Ron shook his head.

"So - we climb" Hermione replied, then turned and started walking towards the hill. Harry and Ron watched her go, then Harry turned to Ron.

"If you touch her, it will go badly for you" He said quietly, then walked up after Hermione, leaving Ron to stare at him.

xoxox

"So - we come to our last choice" Luna said, looking at the assembled group. Cedric, Bill, Draco and Neville were sitting in her tent, along with a few other commanders "We can either fortify our forces here, or we can go out, and take the fight to Sauron" She looked in to each of the faces of her friends "If we sit here and wait, then we will almost certainly be destroyed. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of our lives"

"And if we go out to fight?" Draco asked.

"Then we will get our asses utterly kicked" Cedric said "I'd like to think that we could win, but Sauron has the whole of Mordor to empty on us, and we have - what? Us five and a hapless hobbit?"

"So we will get ourselves killed?" Draco looked around "What am I missing?"

"Frodo and Sam" Luna said "They were headed South the last time anyone saw them, and if they passed in to Mordor through Cirith Regulas" She paused, but no one fainted "Then I believe we should force Sauron to look anywhere but there"

"So, and I just want to be perfectly clear about this" Draco said slowly "You are asking all of us to march bravely to our deaths, on the off chance that two hobbits have managed to get all the way to this Serpent Pass, not get killed by whatever lurks there, and managed to make it all the way through Mordor without being detected, despite the fact neither of them look like orcs" He paused "Well - Potter maybe..."

"Yeah. That's pretty much it" She looked away, then stared at the others "I want you to be clear on this. We are almost certainly going to die. The only reason we would fight is not to win the battle - we can't do that - but to keep Sauron distracted until the hobbits complete their quest" She paused "This is a dangerous, suicide mission, and I will not make you do it unless we are all in agreement" There was a long pause then, one by one, they all turned to stare at Draco.

"Why are you all staring at me?" He asked.

"Oh - no reason" Neville smirked "But, out of curiousness, what do you think of this plan?"

"I think it's an excellent plan" Draco said "I am proud to be associated with this plan" He looked around "Erm - guys? Could you shut your mouths? Drool is starting to become an issue here"

xoxox

"So - assuming we get up the mountain, what comes next?"

"In a general sense, or a more specific one?"

"In a general sense" Harry asked "I mean - I know this is pretty much the end of the book, but it's not exactly the end of the book"

"Well - we hopefully get rescued, then we get praised, then we crown Ced, he marries Cho, then we go home, kick out the bad guys and I get to go to heaven while you marry a local tavern wench"

"Really?" Harry's smiled brightened "What's her name?"

"Lily" Hermione burst out laughing when his face fell "Just kidding - it's Rosie"

"Cool" Harry smiled for a moment, then sighed "But how much of that do you think will happen?"

"No clue" Hermione shrugged "But I am really hoping they don't skip the bad guy kicking part"

"Because it is the most symbolic part of the book? That no matter how far away wars are fought, in the end they always effect the people back home? And that without it, the entire story loses a lot of its potency, especially in a time where wars are being launched in far away places all the time?" Harry asked.

"No" Hermione shook her head "I don't want them to skip it, because it means we can kick the crap out of Wormtail and Snape" She looked up at him "Can you think of a more worthy reason than that?"

"Truer words were never spoken"

xoxox

"I think it's an excellent plan" Draco said "I am proud to be associated with this plan" He looked around "Erm - guys? Could you shut your mouths? Drool is starting to become an issue here"

"Sorry" Neville shook himself out of his trance "It's just..."

"Think about it for a moment" Draco smirked "You are using the King to distract your opponent, while two pawns sneak round the back to wipe him out. I think that Velakofski couldn't have done it any better" He paused "Nor could Salazar, for that matter"

"That's strange, cause I was thinking Helga would be proud of this plan" Cedric said "Loyalty and team work beyond everything, even your life" Draco stared at him for a moment, then gave a chuckle.

"You know - when you say things like that, it just makes me want to change my position"

"I know" Cedric beamed "Why do you think I did it?"

"So" Luna coughed "We are all agreed? We march out in what - four hours?"

"Yes"

"Yes"

"Yes"

"Yes"

"Good" She smiled "By this time tomorrow, we will be there, and it will all be over, one way or another"

xoxox

"There's a path" Harry stared at the ground, and then turned to Hermione "Seriously - a path. Right there"

"You sound surprised" Hermione replied.

"Shouldn't I be?"

"Does Sauron seem the type to scramble up mountains to you?"

"I guess not" Harry smirked "Though I would have thought that someone who is such a diabolical genius would build an underground passage, with a mono-rail or a hovercraft, and a lift at either end" Hermione stared at him for a few moments.

"Anyway - that's why there is a path here. So - are you going to take advantage of it, or do we have to find a harder way up?"

xoxox

"Gandalf?"

"Yes, Eomer?"

"It's 138 miles from Minas Tirith to The Black Gate"

"Really? I would have guessed around 180"

"Ah - you see people assume that, but because you can cross the Anduin almost directly east of the city, and then go north by north east" Eomer smiled "Without the short-cut across the river, you have to travel the extra 40 or so miles"

"Oh" Luna smiled "I guess that's useful knowledge" She paused "You had a question?"

"Did I?" Bill paused, then snapped his fingers "Oh yeah - that was it. The Black Gate is 138 miles from Minas Tirith"

"Really? I would have guessed it was around 180" She smirked at the glare he gave her "Do you have no sense of humour?"

"We are sat in front of the teeth of Mordor, and are quite likely about to die. What part of this do you think is funny?"

"Never mind" She smiled again "So - what was your question?"

"Are you really going to let me answer it this time?"

"It's possible" She turned to face him "Do you feel lucky?"

"It's 138 miles..."

"I get that. What's your question?"

"How did we get here so fast?" Eomer stared at her "It's less than a day since we set of from Minas Tirith, and now we are here?"

"MPC Magic"

"Pardon me?"

"Major Character Power" She beamed "I can bend time and space, see the future - that sort of thing"

"That sound's useful"

"You have no idea" She smirked.

"What..." He started, but she held up her hand.

"Someone's coming" The commanders turned, and watched as The Black Gate swung open, and a solitary figure on horseback emerged. It rode over to them, then drew to a halt and cast back the hood of it's cloak.

"Rita Skeeter, Mouth Of Sauron" She looked around "You should all make peace with your gods, cause you have five minutes to live"

xoxox

"So, Miss Granger, we are here" Harry looked across at his friend "You ready for the final showdown? The big battle? The end of all things?"

"Are you always this melodramatic? No - scratch that. I don't think I want to know" She looked round "Gollum - you coming?"

"Yes, Mistress"

xoxox

"Greetings, Miss Skeeter" Luna said "Did you come out here with a specific reason in mind, or just to annoy us in your usual manner?"

"How dare you speak to me like that!" Rita screeched "I am an emissary of Sauron and you will be polite to me"

"Oh shove it up your bum, Mouth of Sauron" Luna yelled back "Now - are we going to talk politely, or am I going to have to teach you some manners first?" There was a long period of silence, then Rita smiled.

"Very well - we will talk like the civilized people I know I am" She looked around "Besides - I brought presents for all of you" She beamed at them, then turned, and gestured to someone behind her. Another figure on horseback rode forward, and handed her a bundle. Rita nodded, then turned back "Would you like to take a guess at what we found?"

"A signed copy of Sauron's autobiography?" Luna asked.

"No"

"A big picture of Morgoth having his ass kicked by my friends?"

"No!"

"Your barbie doll from when you were a child?"

"NO!"

"Then I have no idea" Luna sighed "I was never any good at these games as a child"

"What I have are these" She unwrapped the bundle, and threw it on the ground between her and Luna "Any witty comments now, my good and dear Wizard?" As Luna stared down at Frodo's belongings, and her smiled faded "I thought not. Do you have anything at all to say?"

"What would you like me to say?"

"That you have seen these before. That you know how to they got in to my Lord's land. That you will admit you sent a spy in to Mordor, That you are going to hand over all your lands to my Lord, and swear to be his servants for the rest of time"

"Well - Two out of three ain't bad"

"Pardon me?"

"I know all of these items. And I can tell you where they were made, their histories, their owners' histories and how much they are worth"

"Which would be helpful if I wanted to sell them on e-bay, but since I want your surrender and capitulation, not so much"

"Can you produce the spy you claim you got these off?"

"What am I? Missing persons?" Rita reached for the items she had thrown on the floor, but Luna beat her to it.

"Accio stuff" The items flew off the ground, and in to a bag she was suddenly holding "Look's like it's mine now, Rita"

"And my terms?"

"Do you need me to spell it out for you?" Luna smirked, then she held up her staff "LIBRUM INCENDERE DEFIENCIUM" A moment later, the sky lit up with the words "BITE ME, YOU LYING WENCH!" lit up the sky. Rita stared at them for a moment, then gave a loud laugh, turned and spurred her horse away.

"What about Frodo?" Fred asked. Luna turned and stared down at him.

"If there was one overriding characteristic you would use to define Rita Skeeter, would it be that she always tells the truth?" Fred paused for a moment, then nodded.

"Good point" Luna looked back at The Gate.

"Gandalf?"

"Yes, Eomer?"

"They are going to attack now, aren't they?" Luna turned to her with a slight smile.

"What makes you think that?"

xoxox

The trio arrived at the cracks of doom, and looked down.

"That's quite a long way down" Harry said quietly "Hate to fall down there" He looked over at Hermione "So, Frodo Baggins. What's the plan?" Hermione took a deep breath, then turned to Ron.

"Smeagol"

"Yes Mistress?"

"I have a present for you" She pulled the chain from around her neck, unlinked the end of it and slipped the ring off.

"Precious?"

"Yes, my friend" She smiled "Precious" She held it out...

"Frodo? Are you sure about this?"

... and he took it. A moment later, he slipped it on and vanished.

xoxox

"Who's idea was this again?" Draco said, shooting orcs left, right and center. Neville turned to stare at him "Oh yeah. Would it help if I said sorry?"

xoxox

Hermione took a step back, and then took Harry's hand. He leaned over and whispered in her ear.

"Do you know what you are doing?"

"I hope so"

"Moine?" A voice came from the void "What's going... what's going on?"

"Ron - we are being held hostage by Voldemort. The only way to escape is to destroy the ring you are wearing" There was a long pause "Ron?"

"I don't think I can" The voice came back "It's pull... it's very strong"

"You can do this Ron" Harry said "You are a Gryffindor through and through - you can beat this"

"I know" There was a sigh "But not like you think" There was another long pause "Mione?"

"Yes, Ron?"

"Take care of him for me"

"Yes Ron"

"Harry?"

"Yes, Ron?"

"Take care of her"

"Yes Ron" There was another long pause, then he chuckled "What's so funny?" Ron pulled the ring off, but kept hold of it.

"I get to be the hero" He gave them one more smile, then turned, started running. A few moments later, he jumped.

There was a brief moment where he was silhouetted against the fire, then he fell, and vanished from sight.

xoxox

Sorry for the delay, but I have been somewhat sick for the past week or so. I will try to go back to posting once every three days, as was my plan