Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Lost In Middle Earth

TIME 3v6 : Really Most Sincerely Dead

by sammywrae 0 reviews

With The One Ring destroyed, Harry and Hermione find themselves trapped in Mordor....

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor,Parody - Characters: Draco,Harry,Hermione,Luna,Neville - Published: 2008-08-26 - Updated: 2008-08-26 - 2417 words - Complete

-1TrainWreck
The Host Of The West was not having a good day. As Luna had predicted, the Army Of Evil had vastly superior numbers, and they were winning.

Luna looked around, then then fell of her horse as the ground started shaking.

"Gandalf!" Fred pelted up to her side "Are you okay?" He took her hand, and then realised that, for some reason he could not explain, she was smiling like a lunatic.

"Why yes, Fred, I am perfectly fine" She bounded to her feet, then cast a blasting curse at a dozen orcs "In fact, I don't think I have ever been better" She jumped back on to her horse, then turned to face the enemy, only to find that they had all run away. She turned her horse round to face the others.

"Gandalf?"

"Yes, Eomer?"

"Would it be out of line to ask what the bleeping-bleep is going on?"

"No, Eomer" Luna was still smiling "The Ring Bearer has fulfilled her quest. The realm of Sauron is at an end. Isn't that cool?"

"Yayness!" Bill yelled, then, when everyone turned to stare at him, he blushed "Sorry. I guess I have been hanging out with my sister for too long"

"Don't worry - you'll get over it" Luna beamed again, then suddenly, she started to frown.

"Gandalf?"

"I am sure I have forgotten something" She continued to frown, then everyone jumped as a massive crash filled the air. They all turned, and saw that The Black Gate was now a smoking heap of rubble "Awwww crap on a stick"

"What?"

"The mountain" She looked around, then, not seeing what she wanted, she looked up in to the sky "Gwaihir!"

"Hoot?" (Yes Gandalf?)

"I need your help one last time"

"Hoot" (You don't say)

"I need you to take me to Mount Doom, that apparently doesn't deserve capital letters because it is becoming a quarry pit in the near future, and bring back two of my friends"

"Hoot" (And how do you suggest we bring them back. I am not a bloody phoenix you know)

"Don't you have any friends who could help rescue two heroes?"

"HoothoothootHootHooooot" (Why yes Gandalf, I do)

There was a pause, then a flash of light. When it faded, Luna stared at the two creatures that had appeared.

xoxox

"Hermione?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"What just happened?"

"The Smartest Witch Of Her Generation made a mistake"

"Oh?" She turned to face him.

"I thought he would be able to get rid of the ring without hurting us, and that, once it was gone, he could come escape with us" Harry stared at her, then at the last place they had seen Ron, then turned back to her.

"So - you were wrong. I am sure you have been wrong before"

"Nope"

"What never?"

"No, never"

"What, never?" Hermione turned and frowned at him, although her mouth was curling up at the edges a little.

"Are you trying to cheer me up, Mr Potter?" She asked.

"Of course not, Miss Granger. Wouldn't dream of it" He gave her a tentative smile, and she smirked back.

"Glad to hear it" She looked around "Because I think" She jumped to the left as a piece of rock fell from the roof "We should be" She took a step to the right as another piece of rock fell "Leaving"

"Damn right" He grabbed her arm, and pulled her towards the way they had come in. In their haste to leave, neither of them noticed a small sign that said "This way to the Top Secret Turbolift and Monorail" But, as it only ran to Barad'dur, it wouldn't have helped them anyway.

xoxox

"Errol?"

"Hoot" (That's me)

"And Pig?"

"Hoot" (Howdy)

Luna turned back to Hedwig.

"Are you kidding?" She asked.

"HootHoHoHoHootHooooot" (Of course I am kidding. Do I look like I would trust these two to carry Harry and Hermione back from the cracks of doom? I wouldn't even trust them to carry my coffee to my trailer!)

"Well - that's okay then... wait" She stopped suddenly "You get a trailer?"

"HootHootHootHoHoot" (Of course I do. All the major stars get a trailer in this story)

"Do they now?" Luna frowned "I see I will have to have words with my agent after we are done"

"Hoot" (snigger)

"So - who else do you have in your line up?" There was another flash, and two winged monkeys appeared "We can't use them"

"Hoot?" (Why not?)

"The RIAA! They would crucify us!"

"HOOOOOOOOOOOOT" (Bugger. I forgot about that)

There was another flash, and the monkeys vanished.

"Not to rush you, but apparently, according to most recent surveys, when evil mountains collapse, they do it pretty fast"

"Hootootoot" (Okay - I think I've got it this time) There was a flash of light "Hoo-oo-oot" (How's that?)

"That will do nicely" Luna beamed, then turned to glance at the other two owls "What are you going to do with these two?"

"HootootHoHoOot" (Send them to Minas Tirith with the good news)

"Wonderful plan!"

"Hoot?" (Really?)

"No, not really. But if it gets them away from me, I am all for it"

"snigger"

"Pardon me?"

"Hootyhoot" (Sorry - I meant snigger)

xoxox

"Lord Steward?"

"Yes Lady Eowyn?"

"Is there news?"

"No, not yet"

xoxox

"So - where do we go now?" Harry and Hermione were stood at the entrance to the cracks of doom, looking at what was left of Mordor.

"I say we go west" Harry looked in the direction she was pointing, then frowned.

"You don't think the rivers of fire might make that hard?"

"Look on the bright side"

"Which is?"

"There are no orcs"

"That's cause they have all been eaten by the rivers of fire"

"You aren't letting go of these rivers any time soon, are you?"

"Wasn't planning on it" He paused "Do you know what would be really useful now?"

"A bird? A plane? A guy who could fly?" Hermione asked.

"I was thinking more of a golden ring that could let us do magic" Hermione smirked, then pulled the necklace out of her cloak.

"You mean like this one?"

xoxox

"Can't you go any faster?"

"HONK!" (Would you like to get out and push?)

"No - that's okay"

"Honk!" (Didn't think so)

xoxox

"Oh come on - that was pretty funny" Hermione smirked.

"No it wasn't" Harry yelled back.

"Not even a little bit?"

"No!"

"You have no sense of humour" For a moment there was no reply "Harry?"

"Buckbeak!"

"No - I'm Hermione. You can tell because I don't have wings, and I am pretty sure I have never gone HONK!"

"Yes - I know that" He reached over, and tilted her head back "Plus he" He pointed up "Doesn't have..." He glanced at her chest, and tried to think of a tactful way of finishing the sentence "Protuberances"

"Buckbeak?" Hermione cried in surprise.

"Norbert?" Harry echoed.

"AND ME OH MY!" Luna yelled, dangling from under Hedwig. A moment later, the three animals swooped down, and came to a halt next to the two hobbits. Luna beamed at them "Hey guys. How's it going?"

"What are you doing here?" Hermione asked, bouncing up and down.

"I was heading for Albequerque, and I think I forgot to turn right" She looked around "Wow - you two make Fred and George look like amateurs"

"We do our best" Harry said, then looked around "You think we could get out of here now?"

"Well - I was going to let you pose for pictures, but I guess we can settle for this" She waved her staff over them "So - who wants the horsey-bird, and who wants the dragon?"

(a few moments later)

"Oh - I forgot to ask" Luna turned to Hermione "Did you get rid of the ring?"

"You mean this ring?" Hermione said, pulling out her necklace. A moment later, Luna fainted. Hermione stared down at the passed out figure on the floor, then turned to stare at Harry.

"Okay" He conceded "That was funny"

xoxox

"Lord Steward?"

"Still no news"

xoxox

"Harry! Hermione!"

"Fred! George!"

"Harry! Hermione!"

"Draco! Neville!"

"Harry! Hermione!"

"Who are you again?"

"Oh - no one" The aide shrugged "I just got caught up in the moment"

"Why are you here?"

"Oh - The King has summoned you" The aide bowed "He said he would like the two hobbits with the sensible hair to come out to his tent" He looked at Hermione's fuzzy hair, then at Harry's bird's nest hair, then across at Fred and George "Maybe I should have asked him to be more specific..."

xoxox

"Frodo, Sam" Cedric stood up as they approached, then - to their surprise, he went down on one knee.

"Cedric?" Hermione stared at him.

"Yes, my Lady?"

"You are not about to propose to me, are you?"

"No, my Lady" There was a pause.

"Cedric?"

"Yes, my Lord?"

"You are not about to..."

"Oh god no" Cedric smirked, then stood up "But if you two would come over here, I have a surprise for you" He lead them over to his throne "Have a seat"

"Are you kidding me?"

"No" Cedric said firmly, and they both sat down, then said "And Gandalf mentioned you should remove your cloaks" He smiled, then - as they started to take their cloaks off, he turned to the crowd "Praise them - with great praise"

The crowd started to cheer, but then, when Hermione and Harry finished with their cloaks, there was a loud burst of laughter from the assembled people. Cedric frowned, then turned to face the two hobbits. A moment later, he stared laughing as well.

"What?" Hermione asked. She saw Luna smirking at them, and had a sudden suspicion. She turned back to Cedric, who was now holding up a mirror. She looked at their reflections and groaned. They were both wearing white tops with the logo "MY FRIEND WENT TO THE CRACKS OF DOOM AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT"

xoxox

"My Lord Steward!"

"Look, Lady Eowyn - there is no news. Don't you think I would have told you?"

"It's not that" She pointed out over the battlements "There is a large army coming towards us"

"Bugger" He turned and walked in to the throne room "Call out the guard. Sound the alarm. We are under attack!!"

xoxox

"Gandalf?"

"Yes, Lord Aragorn?"

"Why are the gates closed? And why are there two dozen archers ready to fire on us?" Luna stared at the approaching city, then turned and glared at Hedwig.

"You had to send those two with the news, didn't you?"

"Hoototototootot" (It seemed like a good idea at the time)

"So did reality tv and look what happened with that"

"Hoot" (Too true)

"I guess I will have to fix this" Luna turned back, then raised her staff.

xoxox

"My Lord Steward"

"Lady Eowyn - shouldn't you be in a bunker somewhere?"

"There is another message" She pointed out to the sky. Charlie peered out of the window.

"WE ARE NOT BAD GUYS. STOP. SAURON IS DEAD. STOP. OPEN THE RUDDY DOORS BEFORE I BLOW THEM UP. STOP. AND FARAMIR - IF YOU ARE TRYING TO ROMANCE EOWYN THEN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. STOP"

"Do you think it's real?" Ginny asked.

"YES IT'S BLOODY WELL REAL. NOW OPEN THE DOORS"

"Guess that answers that question"

xoxox

Cedric stood outside the city, facing Charlie.

"My Lord Steward"

"Lord Aragorn"

"May I come in?" Charlie stared at him, then turned to the people of Minas Tirith.

"People of Gondor hear now the Steward of this Realm! Behold! One has come to claim the Kingship again at last. Here is Aragorn son of Arathorn, chieftain of the Dunedain of Arnor, Captain of the Host of the West, bearer of the Star of the North, wielder of the Sword Reforged, victorious in battle, whose hands bring healing, the Elfstone, Elessar of the line of Valandil, Isildur's son, Elendil's son of Numenor. Shall he be king and enter into the City and dwell there?"

And, in one voice, the people answered "No, he may not"

"Really?" Faramir asked.

"No, not really" The people replied "Don't you get us at all?"

xoxox

"By the labour and valor of many I have some to my inheritance. In token of this I would have Ring-bearer bring the crown to me, and let Mithrandir set it upon my head if she will for she has been the mover of all things that have been acomplished, and this is her victory"

"What about us?" Draco asked "We helped"

"And us" George added.

"And what about the ents?" Fred continued.

"Oh" Cedric paused "Very well"

xoxox

From Middle Earth : A History (written by Frodo Baggins)

Historical records show that King Aragorn's coronation was the longest on record, taking nearly five hours to complete. The decision to have twenty two people carry the crown to him was, in retrospect, not all that smart (especially when one hobbit nearly set fire to the throne by accident, and an ent nearly crushed the King in the process), but this was nothing compared to having a five foot eight wizard and a three foot six hobbit trying to put the crown on King Aragorn's head at the same time. However, history records that, after all the cuts and scrapes were healed, and King Aragorn's ear was sown back on, he reined for several years after that without any problem.

xoxox

Hermione was sat by the fountain when Harry found her.

"Mione?"

"Don't worry about me" She sniffed "I always cry at weddings" He leaned over and hugged her.

"I am kind of surprised it went off so easy" He remarked.

"Why?"

"Well - I thought he might end up marrying Eowyn"

"Oh come on" Hermione smirked "It's not like Elrond would try to banish his daughter to the undying realms, only for her to disobey him, come riding all the way here, and eventually force her father to accept that she is marrying a mortal" She laughed "Who would ever dream up a plot like that?"

"Some soap-opera wannabe writer?" Harry gave a small laugh, then he leaned back "So - we nearly done?"

"Yup. We just have to say good bye to a lot of people as we make our way home" She spoke haltingly, causing Harry to turn to stare at her.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes" She sighed "I was just trying to avoid saying MANY PARTINGS... oh buggerit"
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