Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > But I can fix you!

Chapter 16: I can't have him. Ever!

by padfoot_001 8 reviews

Gerard is more confused then ever before, but he's finally going to put that aside as he opens up to his two best friends, but has he fixed anything?

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Angst,Drama,Fantasy - Characters: Frank Iero,Gerard Way,Mikey Way - Published: 2008-08-26 - Updated: 2008-08-26 - 3124 words

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, only the plot.

WARNINGS: Swearing ... that's about it.

This chapter is just a filler guys, it was necessary. Because I found the next chapter just didn't fit, now it does because of this one. Hope you enjoy :)

Chapter Sixteen

For Gerard, this was perhaps worse then sitting with the psychiatrist. These were his two best friends, this was his baby brother, how the hell was he supposed to explain to them the very depth of his insanity?

He still couldn't remember much of what had happened at the pub; all he had to go on was what Frank had already told him. Apart from that, his memory bank was officially bankrupt. As far as he was concerned, he had merely been lying down somewhere sleeping, his mind playing around in the dream playground it had created for itself.

That was once again, something very new for him. Technically, he had blacked out. One minute he had been drinking at the bar, the next minute he was being turned over in Mikey's bed. Which meant that he had actually been walking around, talking and apparently fighting, all whilst he was supposedly inside his own head? It was more then a little disturbing.

Personally, when Gerard had woken up, slightly more sober, in the sanctuary of Mikey's bedroom, he had honestly thought that everything would be okay. He could just get up and forget the whole thing had ever happened. That was the effect Frank always had on him.

Still, as Frank's laughter kept fading away and they were thrown into that awkward silence that was so foreign to them, Gerard could almost feel the unasked questions closing in on him.

Finally the silence became too much. This wasn't what he wanted at all. That moment he had only recently shared with Frank was a step towards progress, it was all he had been hoping for, it was what his other personality had wanted. So why was he still hanging around?

Was there something wrong? Was it not enough? Was it not what the blonde wanted after all?

Gerard already knew all these answers.

The blonde was there to make him happy, to fix him, just because he and Frank shared a brief moment in the kitchen doesn't mean that the world is at peace, that they can finally be together and nothing else matters. Happily ever fucking after and all that junk.

No, as far as Gerard was concerned, looking back, it meant nothing, nothing at all.

He had spilled his heart out to Frank, told him he loved him! All Frank had done was jerk him off. To most people, that isn't the greatest sign of love; it's just a sign that this person wanted to see what you looked like when you were really enjoying yourself. To Gerard, that sounded like the sort of thing Frank would get a kick out of.

As much as he tried to tell himself that Frank had not been messing around with him, he just couldn't do it. The blonde's voice was always lingering, always whispering into his ear and he knew that if his other self was still around then he was yet to accomplish anything.

All these thoughts jumped around inside Gerard's recovering alcohol clouded mind that morning and it was a while before he realised that Frank was still sitting on the end of Mikey's bed, playing with his lip ring as he looked slightly uncomfortable. It was a while before he realised that it was because it had been an even longer while before he had actually opened his mouth and said something.

"Frank, you want me to talk to you about this don't you."

It wasn't a question; Gerard already knew that Frank wanted to know everything, that perhaps he deserved to know everything. It also wasn't a question because Gerard knew that he wanted to talk about it as well, he wanted to tell Frank everything, it would be good to get it off his chest.

"Only if you're ready. But if you're going to do it now, I have to get Mikey. He's been worried sick; I think he should hear what you have to say."

Gerard just swallowed long and hard as he forced himself to nod. He didn't want to speak because in his mind he was preparing a speech for what he was going to say to them both and he didn't want to loose his train of thought.

The moment Frank got up to go and get Mikey, Gerard almost ran out after him. He was alone and for the first time in his whole life, he couldn't stand it. Not even for those few minutes.

Even though the sun shone brightly behind Mikey's thick curtains, the room was eerily dark. There was a whispering that he knew he was imagining but no matter how tightly he closed his eyes and willed it to stop, it lingered.

He had to urge his stomach to stay in its proper place as the hangover he was unable to forget about, due to the intensity of it, threatened to make him throw up all over Mikey's floor.

Why did he drink? Did it have anything to do with what happened to the blonde? Why was his other self beaten up? Sure, he knew it wasn't real, but a part of that dream world was real to him. It was like he was watching a TV series and one of the main characters had just had something bad happen to them. Everyone knows they're not real, but they still want to know what the hell happened. It's a natural curiosity.

Gerard wanted to know. He needed to know.

Moments later Frank re-entered the room with Mikey trailing behind him. The curtains were moved to the side so the sun could shine through and a window was opened so that they could all have some air, Gerard hadn't even noticed how stuffy the room had been.

For some reason, the sun spilling across the bed, the cool summer breeze filling his lungs and soothing his aching head and the presence of his two best friends gave him the greatest comfort anything ever could. The whispering disappeared, everything did, he was happy with the two of them there.

And, somehow, he found the courage and he found the words to just open his mouth and tell them everything. He told them about all the dreams, even the most insane ones and whilst it was easy to say it all out loud, it didn't mean it made everything alright.

Whilst a weight was lifted from his chest and he could suddenly breath again, he still couldn't get over some of the looks that Frank and Mikey shared. These were the words he would never say in front of any shrink, these were the details of how he was slowly but surely losing his mind and when he had finished, neither of them said a word.

The hardest part for Gerard had been explaining to Mikey about the moment he and Frank had shared. Mikey already knew how Gerard felt, so it wasn't all that big a deal, but Frank seemed to side glance at Mikey nervously as though he was going to get a beating for what he did. Still, they didn't say anything and they didn't judge, at least not out loud. Their facial expressions often gave them away though ... they were concerned about him more then ever now.

But Gerard had left something out. And that something was the bomb in the room. It was everything about Frank. Sure, he had touched on it a little bit, basically confirming what they already knew to be true, but he didn't want to explain the fact that the guy was mentioned in every single dream, that the blonde and therefore Gerard himself, or at least a part of him, was obsessed. That stuff he left out, Frank couldn't know, not now, not ever. He would only blame himself and Gerard couldn't do that to him.

"- and that's when I woke up here, to find myself being shoved around your bed as you guys tried to put me on my side. It sort of made sense though, me and the other me just didn't seem right in the dream, it was almost as though I knew I was drunk, but I couldn't remember drinking..."

With that, Gerard stopped. Silence spread across the room, no one said anything and for a moment Gerard actually thought Mikey was going to call someone and have them take him away right then and there for ever.

Frank on the other hand had a very different expression on his face, his mouth was hanging open at Gerard's final story and he looked quite surprised that he had stopped so abruptly.

"B-but what the hell happened to Gee2? I mean his face? You didn't actually beat him up did you?"

Gerard just stared wide eyed at what Frank had just said. At first he didn't know whether he should laugh or whether he should just answer the question as though the whole thing really was about someone they actually knew in real life. The way Frank had asked the question it was as though the blonde was real; Frank worked in odd ways sometimes.

Mikey just stared at him. "Gee2?"

"Yeah. I mean, if Gerard's going to keep having these dreams then he needs a name to make the stories easier to tell. I think Gee2 fits," Frank announced proudly.

"But the psychiatrist said we weren't supposed to give him a name," Mikey protested softly, his voice barely a whisper. It was clear he had meant only for Frank to hear, but they were all sitting on the bed and the room was deathly quiet. Of course Gerard heard.

"Look, first and foremost Mikey let me make this clear. I know that I'm loosing my mind; I know that I am going insane. But it's still me Mikes, I'm still Gerard and I'm still your brother. I don't want to be shipped off to some fucking mental asylum, I won’t last a day in that place and that's a promise. Please Mikey, I told you this stuff because I wanted you to know, not because I wanted you to think I'm sick or anything. Just, please, be my brother and understand."

Mikey was silent as he watched Gerard intently. For a moment, Gerard wasn't even sure where the words had come from. Something in Mikey's face had just really bothered him and he needed to get that off his chest. He didn't want Mikey to start treading on egg shells around him. They had talked to each other about everything and anything in the past, that wasn't about to change and he had to make sure he knew that.

"As far as I'm concerned Gee, this other you - er - Gee2, well he's a part of my life now to. I'm not shipping you off anywhere, I just hate that it's been going on for so long and you've only told me all of this now."

Gerard just nodded. He felt better though. The ropes that seemed to have been restricting him these past few weeks had somehow fallen away and he was now able to breathe again. So long as Mikey and Frank understood, everything would be alright.

"But Gee," Mikey suddenly continued as though gaining an after thought. "I think we should all continue seeing this shrink, as a group. I know it sucks, but, what if she can really help you?"

Gerard didn't want to, he really didn't, but as Mikey looked at him hopefully and Frank nodded his head ub agreement, Gerard couldn't help but give into them both. After all, so long as they had to do it to, it wouldn't be so bad. They could all suffer the torture together.

"Yeah Mikes, I think I can do that. But just so you know, I'm not going to enjoy it."

They all smiled for the first time since that morning and Frank was just about to open his mouth and say something when his phone started to ring somewhere deep in his pocket. He hastily stood up so that he could get to it.

"Hello? - Er - yeah - um okay - look honestly, now is really not a good time - you serious - can't it wait - yeah, I seriously am busy - oh come on man, you can do that - right - that's not it at all - fine - yep - uh huh - okay - yup, I'll be there in fifteen - yeah - that's the soonest I can get there - cool - whatever - see ya then."

With that Frank closed his phone and looked at Gerard and Mikey a little nervously.

"I have to go. We've got some problems with the new Leathermouth C.D; they need me to go either of them as he spoke.

For Gerard, those simple words felt like they had somehow entered into his chest and were now expanding further and further. Pretty soon he was certain they would just cause him to explode. He felt slightly ill.

They had all known for quite some time Frank was working on another band, it had never bothered them. It was just a punk-rock band, it was a side project, it was doing well, but only with the real hardcore fans of My Chemical Romance. Still, for some reason, at that moment, it felt like Gerard was loosing Frank.

He wasn't only his guitarist anymore, Gerard wasn't the only one that needed Frank for a band, others needed him to. Frank was the lead singer, the front man; he was needed by these other guys now. Was this going to continue? Was Gerard always going to have to share Frank?

Immediately he hated himself for thinking it, but for some reason he felt that they had accomplished nothing today. All that talking, all that spilling out of his deepest and darkest secrets and nothing had happened, nothing had changed at all. Once again, he was stuck.

"Right man. Have fun," Mikey announced, breaking through Gerard's thoughts. He was so casual; he clearly didn't mind that Frank had this side project at all.

"I'll see you soon Gee alright, I'll call you a bit later."

Gerard felt grateful that Frank felt he had to explain himself to him and promise to call, but it felt like an empty promised, it felt like something Frank just thought he had to do.

At that moment, Gerard was finding it hard to even breathe. He had come to a realization; he could never have Frank. He wasn't his to have. Frank would never belong to him.

"Gee, you alright?" Mikey asked as Gerard suddenly realised they were all alone. Frank had gone.

"Yeah Mikes, it's just been a long couple of days."

"I fucking hear you on that one. I really appreciate you filling me in though. Please, just tell me everything from now on okay?"

Gerard nodded once again. He was done talking, he just wanted to sleep, he just wanted to disappear, he just wanted to shut down and wake up when everything was better, when everything was fine again? He had Lindsey, why couldn't he just be happy with that? Why did he have to start having these feelings for Frank?

"Gee ... talk to me man. You're not alright? I can tell, what's wrong?" Mikey moved closer to him on the bed, clearly noticing he was fretting.

"Its Frank Mikes ... I - I love him. Man, I really do - and, I can't have him. Ever."

Those simple words seemed to be the end of everything. It was a confession, it was a realization, it was a wake-up call to himself. The words were directed at Gerard himself, not at Mikey, it was horrible to say them, but it was true.

Mikey went silent, perhaps not expecting the words, or perhaps not having anything to say because he knew they were true, either way, he was quiet.

"I need to call Lynz," Gerard announced, unable to linger on Frank anymore. He suddenly remembered he did in fact have a wife and she would no doubt be worried about him.

"I called her this morning. Said you were staying here a couple of nights, I don't think she can handle you collapsing on her again. She doesn't want to pressure you and she thinks it's better if you're with me for now. But I'm sure she'd really like it if you called her."

Mikey smiled kindly but Gerard couldn't help but sense his brother preferred talking about his relationship with Lindsey a lot more then his failing relationship with Frank.

"You hungry? I'll get you some breakfast," Mikey suddenly announced as to Gerard's great surprise he stood up rather hurriedly.

Gerard couldn't help but notice Mikey's sudden change in mannerism and knew that whatever was happening to him, it was affecting his brother to. Perhaps Mikey wasn't going to be able to deal with this as well as he thought. For now though, he knew it was best just to let Mikey be Mikey and deal with it in his own way. He had the right to vent, maybe talk to Alicia if he felt better doing that. It was his decision.

"I'm alright Mikes, not really that hungry, I'll just try and sleep this hangover off," Gerard said, making it clear that Mikey was free to go.

Mikey seemed to appreciate his words because he nodded, swallowed hard as though he was about to say something before quickly turning around and walking out of the room without another word.

All Gerard could do was lie there staring at the door hoping that Frank would just rush though it and lie beside him until everything just went away. Until everything was better again.

But he didn't come back and he didn't call like he promised. He just left Gerard to sit in Mikey's room with the unexplainable whispers.


AN: Sorry it's been so long guys, good news is though, you wont have to wait long for the next chapter. It's already done, I'm just perfecting it, so you can have that probably early tomorrow if I don't get lazy. LOL!

At the moment I'm trying to think how to wrap it all up. I still have quite a bit I want to get done, but the ending is hard, I don't want the craziness to end, LOL! Thanks for reading, love you all xx
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