FicWad

“Where have you been?!” cried the dwarf fretfully, tugging fretfully at his silvery beard as I clambered awkwardly over a few sentences in my large flowing yellow dress and back into the vivid picture of a quaint wooden cottage where everything was three sizes too small.
“Sorry,’ I muttered,’ I got the wrong story and ended up in Sleeping Beauty.”
“Bit late for apologies,’ he said,’ the wicked old queen’s already been and gone, twice!”
“Twice?!!” I cried, shocked that I had been gone for so long.
“Yes,’ grunted the dwarf,’ twice. You’ve missed the lace and the poisoned comb, so it’s only the apple left and you’d better be here for that!”
“Sheesh, calm down,’ I grunted bad temperedly,’ who are you, my mother? When will the queen get here?” I asked, aware that some slow, creepy music was sneaking its way into our conversation.
“Judging by the music any minute now,’ muttered the dwarf,’ so I’m going to have to get going now and join the others at work.”
“Alright, alright,’ I moaned,’ just hurry up and get going so that I can get this train-wreck fixed up.”
“Make sure you don’t to strangers while we’re gone!” he sniggered as he grabbed his large pickaxe off the tiled floor and walked out the wooden door. I closed it behind him, but not quickly enough because two chipmunks, three squirrels and fawn managed to get in.
“Get out of here,’ I shouted at them, my nose beginning to drip slowly and red welts appearing on my arms as I shooed them back out the door,’ go on, get lost!” Once out the door they stared at me angrily from their unusually large eyes, but I slammed the door closed before they managed to get back in.
“It’s not my fault I’m allergic to fluffy, cute forest creatures!” I shouted as they trailed off, rejected, into the menacing woods.
No sooner than I had shooed the little menaces outside, I heard a knock on my door.
“Go away,’ I called, sticking my head out the open window so that I could face the shifty-looking old woman outside, lapsing automatically into an ‘Old English’ style speech,’ I cannot let anyone in, for the seven dwarves have forbidden me!”
“It is all the same to me,’ answered the old peddler woman as she lashed out at a small white rabbit that was attacking the seams of her ragged dress with great enthusiasm,’ for I shall soon get rid of my apples. Here, I will give you one!”
“No,’ I replied,’ I dare not take anything.”
“Are you afraid of poison? Look,’ she held up a juicy-looking red apple and sliced it in half with a sharp knife,’ I will cut the apple in two pieces, you eat the red cheek, and I will eat the white cheek.”
She held the red cheek up to me and I took it graciously, but I hesitated before biting into it.
“Have you seen a suspicious looking queen around here?’ I asked,’ Because I’m not supposed to be talking to her, she’s trying to kill me.”
“No,’ answered the woman uncomfortably as more cute, furry forest creatures tried and failed to get into the cottage,’ no I haven’t.”
What a helpful old woman I thought as I shrugged and raised the apple to my lips, the old woman watching me excitedly.
“Do you have any peaches in that basket?” I asked suddenly.
“What?! No, I do not have any peaches,’ grunted the woman,’ just the apples. Hurry up and eat your half dear, otherwise it’ll be ruined.”
Once again I raised the apple to my lips, about to take a bite.
“Have you got any mangoes instead?”
“NO! Just apples.” She cried.
“Oh,’ I sighed,’ that’s okay, it’s just that I don’t really like apples that much, I prefer summer fruit. Have you ever tried mangoes? They’re so juicy, and I always end up making a mess of myself and have the juice dribbling down my chin, and--”
“JUST EAT THE APPLE!!” the old lady cried exasperatedly.
I quickly raised the apple to my mouth again and took a large bite as the old peddler smiled menacingly. No sooner than I had swallowed the bite of apple, which tasted like rancid meat despite its appealing exterior, my vision went blurry.
“You should have known better than to trust a stranger!” cackled the wicked old lady, shedding her clumsy disguise and transforming into a beautiful, raven-haired woman to watch gleefully as I fell to the stone floor and ceased breathing.

****

There was a violent bump that shook my body to the core as I started to breathe again, and I opened my eyes and saw a glass roof over my head. Instantly I started to panic as I realised that I was lying in a large glass coffin.
“Oh heavens,’ I cried in fright as I pushed the lid off me and stared about the forest,’ where am I?!”
“You are with me,” said a voice as sweet as honey,’ and I love you more than everything in the world, so come with me to my father's palace, you shall be my wife!”
Panic flooded me at the mention of this spontaneous engagement, but that panic then flew out the hypothetical window as I saw the cutest guy in the world standing next to me and looking at me adoringly out of emerald green eyes as if I was the only thing in the world that mattered to him. I squealed in a highly undignified manner as I launched myself into his arms happily, only vaguely aware that my stranglehold of a hug was suffocating him.
The above mentioned wedding took place two weeks later, and I was sure to invite all the dwarves to the ceremony. I would have liked to invite Briar-Rose, but she wasn’t due to wake up for at least another ninety nine long years, so the invitation would be pointless. But, of course, I personally made sure that I invited all the faeries from both kingdoms, lest having a curse put on any children that I was yet to have.


And that is where my fairytale came to an end, right after my happy ending. I was sad to see it end, even though my little story hadn’t exactly started off as I had planned, but now I have everything I have ever wanted in my life; a family, friends, and a valid excuse to never buy apples ever again. I have my very own Happily Ever After.