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Chapter Three - Out of Reach



Frank stared out the window of the van watching the people on the sidewalks going about their daily business. He knew he should be excited for the tour and he thought about how he usually felt at this time. He would normally be jumping about like an excited child, talking non-stop about the shows and discussing with Ray how they could improve certain bits. The way he was feeling now, it was like how he felt after a huge tour, days on end in the bus and being away from home for so long. Frank loved his family more than anything and no matter what they always came first. Since his split with Janie, he had been home once. He couldn't bare the look on his Mom's face, it was like she had the power to see right through him and he wasn't ready to open up yet if ever. The thought of talking about it made it too real and he was scared of what he might say. Underneath everything he knew people were there for him but he couldn't deal with the sympathy and the looks of concern. As he sat in the van, mindlessly flicking through his Ipod, he wished someone would just knock him out.

The van made it's way towards the edge of the city and pulled into what appeared to be an industrial estate. The buses and crew trucks were already waiting for them as the van eventually came to a halt.

"It all starts now," Gerard said as they all jumped out the van.

"Not quite like the old days," Ray replied pointing towards all the transport.

Mikey laughed," I know, look at all this just for us."

"This is seriously too cool," Bob added as they started to walk towards the buses.

Frank looked back at edge of his home state of New Jersey as if he was charting the position of everything he had just looked at, the colours, the familiar shapes and the memories. He felt uneasy but somewhat resigned without really knowing why.

"Hey Frankie, you coming?" Gerard quietly said as he gently touched his friend.

Frank turned his head towards Gerard and smiled, "I think I must have zoned out for bit, sorry Gee."

"You feeling any better?" Gerard hesitantly asked.

"You know I actually do, it feels good to be back on the round," Frank replied in hope rather than actual reality.

"You don't know how good it is to hear you say that Frank," Gerard said pulling the smalled man towards him in a hug, "I'm here for you Frank always, no matter what."

Frank just stood there as Gerard hugged him, he wanted so much to just wrap his hands round his friend and tell him everything but he couldn't. He didn't want to burden anyone with is troubles and in his own mind to speak about them just made them all that little bit more real.
Frank gently patted Gerard's back hoping that this would suffice. Gerard wrapped his arm around Frank's shoulders as they walked towards the bus. Gerard laughed as they entered the bus to the normal sight of the others racing around checking the bus out and claiming their bunk. Frank sat down just watching everyone and Gerard instictively sat down beside him.

"I'm okay Gee honestly," Frank muttered.

"You sure?" Gerard asked unable to keep the worry from his expression.

"Yeah just tired." Frank replied before he stood back up and grabbed his bag. Frank made his way straight to the bunk area, "I'm just going to crash for a bit," he said to no-one in particular and without waiting for a reply.

"Okay Frank," Gerard replied watching Frank disappear back to his solitude.

Frank chucked his bag on the floor and pulled himself up into his bunk as he felt the bus finally start to move. He quickly shut the curtain and curled up. Reaching back, he pulled his wallet from his back pocket and opened it up to see the familiar picture. The tightness in his chest returned as he slowly ran his finger down the side of the photo. He wanted the longing to end but he couldn't help but torture himself with the same daily ritual. His head kept telling him that he should hate her but his heart ached to be close to the one person that knew every single piece of him. Pulling his hand up to his mouth to stiffle the sound of his sobs, he instinctively bit into the skin, the pain of the bite distracting him from the tightness in his chest. Biting harder and closing his eyes allowing the pain to increase before he suddenly snapped his hand from his mouth, he couldn't believe what he had just done. There was no disputing the deep toothmarks and the redness of his skin. He pulled at the skin in the hope that by stretching it the marks would disappear and he suddenly panicked. The last thing he wanted to do was draw more attention to himself. Frank drew the curtain back slightly and sighed in relief as he noticed no one was around. He slowly lowered himself down and grabbed his bag, dragging that and himself back to his bunk. Digging round the bag he found a pair of his fingerless gloves and quickly shoved one over his injured hand. As he lay back down in his bunk, he thought about the pain now radiating from his hand and how it distracted him. The initial shame had gone and he reasoned with himself that he deserved the pain, he had brought this on himself and it was good to fell the punishment. He didn't think of anything else as the dark cloud once again claimed him and he curled up tight too scared to close his eyes.


x------x

Mikey watched as his brother sat nervously on the seat in front of him chewing away at his fingernails, "You'll have no nails left Gerard,"

"mmmmmmm," Gerard replied.

"Is it about Frank?" Mikey asked.

"I can't stop thinking and worrying about him."

Mikey sat down beside his brother, "We'll all watch out for him Gerard, I just don't want you to get sick, please speak to me about things."

"I will Mikey I promise." Gerard replied patting his brother's knee,"I can't bare to see him suffering like this and there's nothing I can do for him.

"You can Gerard, you can be there for him when he really needs you," Mikey said half hugging his brother,"Only Frank can decide when he wants to talk about things, til then we'll keep an eye on him and make sure he knows we're here."

"Since when did you become so knowledgable?" Gerard asked half smiling.

"Since I watched my brother fall apart." Mikey replied.

Gerard nodded and then fell silent as he noticed Frank come through the door.

"Hey Frankie," Mikey said as he looked up.

"When do we get to the venue?" Frank asked as he nervously ran his hand up and down his arm.

"I think we've got a couple more hours, but Bob will know," Gerard replied, "You want me to ask him?"

"No, I'm just gonna get cleaned up and stuff," Frank replied letting a smile break out.

"I was just going to make something to eat, you want something?" Gerard asked hopefully.

"Will Mikey be making it?" Frank asked pointing at Mikey.

"No I will," Gerard replied knowing exactly where Frank was going with this," Don't worry Mikey's not allowed to be left in the kitchen on his own.

Frank laughed,"Okay I'll have something."

"Hey, I'm not that bad." Mikey protested.

"Em, yes you are." Gerard replied pushing his brother.

"That's right all laugh at my expense." Mikey added.

Gerard suddenly felt slightly elated at Frank's reaction and he stood up to make some food. Frank turned and walked towards the bathroom, the smile dropping off his face.


x------x


Frank quickly blocked out the image of his Mom and his friends on the other side of the door. He looked in the mirror and quickly looked away again not wishing to recognise the person in front of him. He slowly pulled his sleeve up and looked at the ink on his arms. His skin so full of colour, he had always loved his tattoo's and the memories each one held. His heart rate increased so quickly that he felt himself gasping for air. A strange feeling of excitement and dread filled him as he pushed down with the knife and dragged it across the skin of his inner elbow. He sucked in a deep breath as the intial cut bit him sharply but the pain turned to relief as he watched the red liquid slowly run out of the cut. Squeezing the skin, he became fascinated by the sight as the blood continued to ooze out. Frank rested his arm across the sink and watched as the spots of blood slowly fell against the white porcelain. He glanced up and looked in the mirror and angrily brushed the tears away from his face. His head started to spin and he sat down heavily on toilet. Grabbing a big ball of toilet roll he slammed it against his arm as the feeling of guilt threatened to overwhelm him.

"Frank, foods ready," Gerard shouted as he banged on the door.

Frank jumped at the sudden sound, "Coming,"

He quickly wiped the blood from the sides of the sink and pulled out the first aid kit. He put a plaster over the cut and yanked the sleeve of his hoodie back down. He felt thoroughly disgusted with himself and vowed never to do it again.




Big thanks for taking the time to review the last chapter. I really appreciate and I'm glad you liked it. Let me know what you think of this one - reviews/ratings keep me going. I need to feel a certain way to write this one so it's quite difficult to post regularly. Oh and Frank's girlfriend is called Janie because I couldn't base it on the real love of his life because that would be so wrong.

Just one last thing and I hope I don't offend anyone but cutting is not smart or to be taken lightly. Please don't do it - it's not fun and it totally fucks you up.