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Chapter Four - Falling


Resting his head against the bathroom door Frank tried his best to regain some composure. He didn't know if he was either annoyed or in shock at what he had just allowed himself to do. His heart was still racing from Gerard banging on the door but he knew he couldn't go out in this state. They would see something was wrong and he felt so ashamed. He could imagine their reaction if they ever found out, they had all been including himself strong advocates against self harm and here he was fucking up everything he believed in. At the time though it felt so good, his heart had skipped as he thought about it whilst he lay in his bed, his mind distracted for that moment from the real cause of his pain. That had been the trigger but he had no idea how he went from the initial thought to the blurry realisation that he had actually gone through with it. Now the aftermath had set in hard and all his previous negative thoughts had come back to mock him. He looked down at the penknife that shone under the light against the porcelain of the sink. Frank felt his stomach tighten as he saw the small trace of bright red blood across the blade. He wanted the bus to stop just long enough for him to escape from it and run. The enclosed atmosphere was suffocating him but there was no one around him, his best friends who he had been there for when they needed him most, were now so far away.

"FRANK," Gerard shouted.

Frank's head shot up as the loudness of the voice snapped him out of his thought. He quickly shoved the knife into his jean pocket, standing for a moment before he unlocked the door and walked out.

"You alright?" Gerard asked as Frank approached him.

Frank smiled slightly, "I'm fine Gee, you really don't have to ask me that everytime you see me."

"Sorry, I can't help it," Gerard replied, "Mikey's just dishing up, don't worry I've removed all hazards."

A crash from the kitchen area brought a genuine smile to Frank's face for the first time as he saw the look of panic on Gerard's face.

"Oh for fuck sake Mikey," Gerard yelled before he pushed himself away from the table to find out exactly what his brother had managed to do this time.

Frank sat at the table, his arm was aching and he was raging with himself. He couldn't believe he had done that and in a few hours he would have to play a show. He tried to rationalise what had made him do it, knowing it was wrong, but nothing would give him that comfort. He could smell the familiar smell of veggie sausages as Mikey came through with the cutlery and juice.

"Ray, Bob," Mikey yelled as he virtually chucked the cutlery on the table."Hey Frank."

"Hey Mikey, you survived then?" Frank asked.

"Of course I did, Gerard's like a fucking mother hen around me." Mikey moaned as he sat down beside Frank.

"He's just making sure you don't kill yourself back there," Ray laughed as he appeared alongside Bob.

"You know we could have just waited until we got to the venue instead of you guys going to all this trouble." Frank said suddenly realising that he had no appetite and knowing that they would all be watching him.

"Have you seen the amount of food we have packed in the refrigerators?" Mikey replied, "We could set up our own catering company."

They all looked up as Gerard came through with the food with an expression like he had just won an award. Silence fell around the table for a moment as they all tucked into the food before they started to talk about the show later that night. Gerard noticed that Frank was much quieter than usual and he watched as the guitarist played around with his food on the plate and only occasionally actually eating something. Frank seemed to sense someone was watching him and he glanced up to catch Gerard's gaze. Frank instinctively smiled before he reluctantly started to eat with his usual appetite. The last thing he wanted to do was draw more attention to himself.

The rest of the journey had been relatively uneventful as they all eventually drifted off to find something to keep them occupied before they arrived at the venue. All Frank wanted to do was sleep and he was relieved to see Mikey had the same idea. Frank followed him and as he climbed on to his bunk he noticed Bob sleeping in the bunk underneath him.

The time passed slowly as Frank lay in his bunk with his eyes fixed to the ceiling above him and his arms rigidly crossed in front of him.

"Frank, I swear to god if you don't stop kicking your foot against the wall I'm gonna kill you," Bob shouted as he yanked the curtain open.

"Sorry Bob, I didn't realise I was doing that," Frank said turning his head to face Bob.

"Just stop doing it or I'm gonna pull you out of there," Bob replied laughing through his frustration. He closed the curtain and lay back down on his bunk. He knew Frank was down but he looked so uptight like a bomb just waiting to go off. Bob decided he was going to keep a closer eye on Frank.

Frank shifted awkwardly as his mobile started to ring, knowing the number he answered it.

"Frank, it's Mom,"

"Hey Mom," Frank answered grinning slightly at his Mom's usual need to introduce herself, "How are you?"

"Don't how are you to me Frank," his Mom started as Frank closed his eyes and grimaced, "You left without even saying goodbye."

"Mom, I didn't want to wake you and it's not as if you didn't know where I was going," Frank replied.

"I'm just worried about you Frank," she replied her voice breaking ever so subtly.

"I know Mom but I'm fine honestly," Frank said feeling his throat tighten at the sound of her voice.

"You sure?"

"Yes," Frank replied.

"You know I'm here for you at any time," She said wishing she could physically reach out and hug her son.

"I know but I'm fine, just happy to be on tour with the guys," Frank replied trying to enforce the point.

"Good, I'm glad," she answered before hesitating.

"What's wrong Mom?" he asked.

"Well, oh nothing Frank it can wait," she replied unable to tell him.

"Mom, just say it, it's not as if I'm going to be home any time soon,"

"Okay but I don't want you to get mad or upset," she added.

"Mom, spit it out we'll be at the venue soon," Frank laughed.

"Janie was round,"

Frank's smile suddenly disappeared and the mention of her name was like a knife to his stomach, "What did she want?" Frank replied unable to keep the bitterness from his voice. He could feel the rage within him knowing she hadn't wasted any time to appear after him leaving to go on tour.

"She wanted to take some stuff from your house, she said it was things she had bought," His Mom told him hating herself for upsetting him.

"Just let her take whatever she wants," Frank snapped.

"But Frank,"

"Mom, I don't want anything from that house, it's going up for sale anyway." Frank added as he rubbed his forehead trying to ease the headache.

"Okay Frank, I'll sort it all out."

"Thanks Mom and I'm sorry you're being pulled into this," Frank said wishing it could just all be over.

"It's alright Frank, that's what Mom's are for," she replied.

"I have to go now Mom,"

"Okay Frank, you take care of yourself and you call me."

"I promise, love you Mom," Frank almost whispered.

"Love you too Frankie," She replied her heart breaking at the sadness in his voice.

Frank sighed as the phone went dead. He pulled open the curtain and dropped down on the floor. He wanted to lash out and punch something. Frank hated the way he couldn't move past her, even the mention of her name made him uneasy. He gritted his teeth and looked over to see Bob moving out of his bunk.

"Bob, don't ever move in with a girl, in fact don't ever let yourself be fooled into believing that you've found that special someone, what a load of old shit,"

"More hassle?" Bob asked sensing Frank's anger.

"I'm just fucking sick of it and I can't ever get away," Frank moaned.

"You will Frankie, I know this sounds like shit but it does get easier," Bob said wrapping an arm around Frank.

"When? When will it get easier?" Frank said without waiting for an answer as he walked out of the bunk area and rejoined the others.

"Hey guys, we were beginning to wonder if you lot were ever going to get up," Ray said as he noticed them walk in to the toom.

"Is Mikey up?" Gerard asked trying to see if Mikey was following them through.

"No, he's still sleeping I think," Bob replied.

"He's such a lazy fucker," Gerard said as he walked towards the bunk area.

Frank sat down beside Ray and glanced at the tracklist for the show tonight, it had taken them ages to make a final decision on it and for them all to be happy with it.

"You okay to play tonight Frank," Ray gently asked.

"Why does everyone keep asking me how I am?" Frank sighed throwing the bit of paper back onto the table, "I am perfectly fine and just wish we could get on that stage right now, these fingers are getting impatient."

Ray nodded as he caught Bob's eyeline, each exchanging knowing looks as Frank bent down to tie his boots. They all looked round in the direction of the bunk area as they heard a thud followed by the sound of shouting. The door flew open as Mikey stomped through it with a look of thunder on his face. He turned around as Gerard appeared, "You're a fucking control freak Gerard."

"Shut the fuck up," Gerard snapped back.

"You know what this fucker did," Mikey said addressing the other three, "No warnings nothing, he just grabbed my feet and yanked me out, I fucking banged my head."

"Mikey I was bloody shouting at you and then poking you but because you sleep like a fucking vampire, I had to take the necessary action." Gerard shouted back.

"Hahahahahaha, aren't you the comedian, " Mikey retorted.

"Right, shut up the both of you," Ray interupted, "We'll be at the venue in like 10 minutes and you two need to calm the fuck down."

Mikey and Gerard instantly stopped as they exchanged death looks at each other. Ray immediately started to talk about the show which had the desired effect as they all started to focus.

The bus eventually reached the venue and by-passed the group of fans that had already assembled in the hope of catching a glimpse of the group. Gerard, Ray and Bob agreed to meet the fans that had already gathered. Frank knew he wasn't ready and decided to stay with Mikey in the venue. Frank felt more relaxed in Mikey's presence than anyone else's simply for the reason that Mikey would never ask him how he as feeling. He would just stand there and do the simplest thing like bring Frank a drink or just sit beside him. Frank knew that Mikey had been throught the mill himself in the last couple of years but had got through it.

Frank was anxious but excited to get on the stage again and the soundcheck had gone by without any problems. He knew the others were anxious about him and their constant glances over to him when they thought he couldn't see them caused him to miss a few chords. Frank felt like the pressure of the world was on his shoulders.

"That was awesome Frank," Mikey said to him as soon as the soundcheck was over.

"You think?" Frank replied, "I totally fucked up Helena, even though I could play that in my sleep."

"Don't worry about it, I constantly mess things up." Mikey replied laughing.
"Right guys, you have an hour to get something to eat before the meet and greet," thir tour manager Pete informed them as they all crashed out in their dressing room.

"Okay," Gerard replied noticing Frank shift uncomfortably in his chair.

Frank played with his food more than actually eating it as they sat in the catering area. All he could think about was being trapped in an enclosed area with all the questions. He so wished he could just be his usual self that loved this part of his job. Gerard watched as Frank continually looked at his watch and nervously chewed on his bottom lip.

"It'll be alright," Gerard whispered to him as they walked back towards their dressing room.

"I know, just promise me you'll distract them if they ask about, well you know," Frank replied.

"Sure," Gerard told him, "I'll dazzle them."

"Egomaniac," Frank responded.

"Fucker," Gerard snapped back remembering how they used to banter like this all the time.

Frank started to panic, he didn't want to do a meet and greet and what if somebody asked him about his break up. He could feel his heart beating harder and he rubbed the top of his nose with the palm of his hand. His traitorous feet were taking him towards the room and his head was swirling. The familiar tightening of his chest and the dizziness were making him feel like he couldn't breath. He watched as Gerard, Mikey and then Ray entered the room to meet the fans. Frank knew he couldn't do it, he could hear the noise from the room suddenly increase and he stumbled forward catching himself on the back of Bob.

"What the hell?" Bob said turning around, "Frank, what's wrong?"

Frank looked at Bob and the barriers had fallen. Bob immediately knew something was wrong, he had never seen Frank look so terrified and vulnerable.

"Shit Frank, come on, come over here," Bob said grabbing Frank to his side and virtually dragging the smaller man back to the dressing room.

Bob could feel Frank shaking against him, "I need to get a doctor Frank."

"No, promise me Bob no doctor," Frank almost shouted, "I'm fine, I just need a minute."

Bob shook his head, "You're not right Frank, you've not been right for a while now and you're scaring the shit out of me."

"I'm so sorry," Frank gasped still struggling to calm down.

"Look sit down for a minute," Bob said trying to reassure him as he helped Frank to sit down.

Frank immediately rested his head against the back of the seat and closed his eyes. The room was spinning, "Promise you won't say anything Bob, please."

"Frank I need to get someone to make sure you are okay," Bob pleaded feeling very uncomfortable as he watched Frank's chest rapidly rise and fall.

"No, please Bob," Frank instantly replied opening his eyes and looking at Bob," All I have left is playing, don't take it away from me."

Bob knew what he should do and in his head he knew there was no way that Frank was fit enough to be out of bed never mind playing on a stage. But in his heart he knew exactly where Frank was coming from, "Fine, but I need you to do something for me."

Frank swallowed deeply, "Anything Bob just please don't say anything."

"I need you to speak to someone, either myself or one of the other guys because you can't do this on your own Frankie," Bob said in a serious tone as gently placed a hand on Frank's shoulder.

"I will I promise." Frank replied with a great sense of relief.

"Hey, what's going on?" Ray asked appearing at the door, "Frank are you sick?"

"He was just feeling a bit dizzy and I over reacted and dragged him in here." Bob said knowing that he was lying.

"Are you okay now?" Ray asked entering the room and moving towards Frank like a concerned parent as he placed a hand on Frank's forehead.

"Yes Pop, I'm fine," Frank replied.

"Ha ha, maybe you should just sit this one out Frank and keep your strength for the show." Ray said playfully slapping Frank across the back of the head.

"I'm going to just lie down for a bit." Frank said.

Ray nodded, "Come on Bob."

Bob stood up, "You okay now Frank," he whispered.

Frank nodded before mouthing a quiet, "Thank you."

Frank watched them leave the room and he instantly slumped down onto the couch and brought his knees up to his chest. He felt awful and through the blackspots dancing in front of his eyes he glanced at his old faithful guitar. He no longer played her on stage but she followed him everywhere, through the good times and now the bad and as weird as it sounded she was the only thing that gave him the strength to go on the stage tonight.




Sorry it's taken me ages to update. Please let me know what you think by rating/reviewing as it keeps me going. Thank you so much for reviewing my last chapter.