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• The Hearts that Seldom Speak

  (#) Perusal 2008-11-15

  Interesting. I'm really going to speak my mind here and try to help you as much as I possibly can. Prepare yourself for I can be pretty harsh when it comes to critiquing an author's work.
  
  Firstly, the spelling is terrible. I understand spell-check failing where Japanese names are involved, but you made significant errors throughout the summary/story. The character's name (Mirolu) is misspelled, which doesn't draw in a reader. I'm sure you can catch the (hopefully it's a typo) and correct it.
  
  Secondly, your formatting makes it difficult to read/decipher, another turn-off for readers. Make sure you space out the dialog and end paragraphs when necessary.
  
  Thirdly, the characters are completely OOC. Kagome and Sango are behaving like thirteen year old girls who just got asked to the school dance. The capitalized words, in some places, were over-kill.
  
  Fourthly, the punctuation is so horrendous I cringed the entire time I read. Also, the capitalization of words that did/didn't need it.
  
  Your title doesn't make any sense, it's like a cut-off sentence. The Heart That Speaks Seldom... what? It seldom does what?
  
  The "intro" should be a lot... more. It should contain a lot more that pathetic innuendos and squeeing by characters that wouldn't normally scream in excitement. When have you ever read/watched Sango scream in excitement? I've read both the manga and I've watched the series, I've never seen her do that.
  
  Your plot is non-existent. I understand your enthusiasm at having a new door open that allows you to post how you would have liked to the series go, but others will come by this and regurgitate whatever they've eaten previously.
  
  This entire review was all gathered from the first "chapter". I suggest you take this into consideration and do a major overhaul on this entire thing.
  
  I will certainly respond to any comments you have, and if you truly want to improve your writing, I would be happy to help you out.

  Author's response

  Thank you for reveiwing. Please realize it was literaly 2:00 am when i wrote this, and understand that the way i mad the characters act was a reflection of my "OMG its 2-frickin-am and i m still awake "mood. Too mmuch cafine, over excited characters. i will soon revise (ie. completely rewrite) the chapter, and your reveiw was very helpful. I wasnt expecting a cheering crowd to reveiw me, but i am glad that someone said SOMETHING, even if it dented my ego. and Miroku's name being mispelled was due to the fact that i couldnt see the keyboard. PS, thanks again, i would apriciate any future feedback, i love criticizim on my writing.
  signed
  HallDvo
  
  The chapter has been rewritten, the story is now The Hearts that Seldom Speak and the first chapter is, in my mind, a masterpeice. pLease tell me what u think of the revision done to the first chapter

• The Hearts that Seldom Speak

  (#) Ithilwen 2008-12-28

  I get the crackfic aspect of this, but Perusal is right. This needs some beta-ality. Just because you wrote it at two in the morning doesn't mean you can't edit it the next evening. And just a quick run through spellchecker would have caught a lot of this stuff.
  
  What I used to do when I had a 'fic burning a hole in my hard drive was post it to an Inuyasha fanwriter forum for my buddies there to beta for me. That way, I knew the product of my evil brain was out on the Internet but that I could still wait and post only the finished version to the fanfic sites like Ficwad and ffnet.

  Author's response

  I have now changed both chapter sand will soon write a new chapter. This is my first Inu Fic, so i will edit regularly

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