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Ch.4--- I Can't Help But Think I'll Die Alone ((Cubicles MCR))

Gee's POV

"M-Mikey..." I said, staring at the table as he prepared dinner. I had to know about Frank.

"Yeah Gee?" Mikey asked, smile plastered on his face.

"I-I need to talk to you..." I mumbled, still staring at the table.

"About what?" Mikey seemed oblivious to the situation.

"Frank." I told him quietly. I was afraid to talk to him about it but I needed answers.

"Gerard," He came over and sat across from me at the table, "We've been over this. He doesn't care-"

"He came by today." I said and I could feel the air thicken.

"W-what?" Mikey asked with shock and confusion.

"Frank came over earlier. He said he wanted to see how I was." Lifting my head, I rested my eyes on Mikey. He looked shocked, but deep inside he looked furious. What did he have against Frank?

"What did he say to you?" Mikey demanded, scaring me a little.

"Nothing really." I replied quietly. "Just asked how I was. I asked him what happened before the crash and he said it wasn't for him to tell me. I asked why you told me he was bad and he said you were trying to protect me." Mikey's shock was completely engulfed by anger now.

"Damn right I'm trying to protect you!" Mikey suddenly shot at me. I looked back to the table. I didn't like upsetting him. "I'm fucking killing him for showing up here!"

"Why?!" I felt myself get upset. I was tired of not remembering anything then having no one tell me. People would talk about situations and people that I had no clue about, but when I try to ask, no one wants to tell me. "What happened?!"

"It doesn't matter!"

"It does to me!" I said and Mikey just stared. "I had this dream where someone told me they loved me and that one day we would get married. I was starting to say 'I love you' back but right when I got to the name, I woke up." Mikey stared at me in horror. My head was starting to pound with confusion and frustration. "When Frank called me 'Gee', I suddenly remembered the dream again."

"Now I'm really going to kill him." Mikey mumbled.

"It wasn't a dream, was it?" I asked but Mikey didn't reply. "That's what I thought."

"Gerard, for your own good, stay away from Frank." Mikey said then got up to finish dinner. Of course I wasn't going to listen to him. I wanted to know why Mikey was so against Frank. He seemed nice and concerned about my health. Why was Mikey so against him? Was he jealous?

Were Frank and I more than friends?

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Frank's POV

Going to see Gerard was a bad idea. When he said my name, my stomach turned and I wanted to throw my arms around him; just to hold him again. Of course he didn't know my name from memory though. He knew it from what he was told. But then, he seemed so curious. And when 'Gee' accidentally slipped out of my mouth, he seemed to slip into a trance of some sort. Did he remember something?

I can't see him again. He can't remember me. It'll only destroy us both. I don't want things to be back like they used to be; not completely at least. That 'completely' being mainly Gerard and I. I lost him once, and even though I technically never 'got him back', I can't lose him again. If he remembers me, he'll remember the drugs, harsh words, hurtful actions, physical fights, and everything else that tore us apart. It was bad enough I had to remember them; they fucking haunted my dreams most nights. I couldn't let him suffer through all that like I did; do.

So, after leaving the Way residence, I decided to partake in my favorite past time; alcohol consumption. I actually managed to find a bar I hadn't been kicked out of yet. I wonder, since once upon a long lost time I was famous, if there's a True E! Hollywood story on me or the band for that matter. I think it would be pretty sweet in a twisted way. I can see it now; Popular teen band My Chemical Romance; fraud. The band said their mission was to save lives when all along they haven't been able to save their own. Singer Gerard Way developed a drinking problem as well as drug dependency. Guitarist slash backup singer Ray Toro drug lord. Bassist Mikey Way struggles to survive as well as support elder brother Gerard who has suffered memory loss from a severe car crash. Drummer Bob Bryar is fathering a child from a careless one night stand and guitarist Frank Iero has given up playing his guitar as well as food; replacing them with booze and sleepless nights. What will their fans think now? Yep, pretty sweet.

"I thought we concluded last night that drinking was a bad idea."

"How the fuck do you always find me?" I asked with frustration as Ray sat down next to me.

"How'd it go?" He asked me, ushering the bartender away because he didn't want a drink; and he didn't me to have any more.

"Horrible." I mumbled, holding the glass half between my mouth and the table. My elbows rested on the bar top; on hand holding my head while the other loosely gripped the glass. "He asked me what it was like with everyone before his crash then asked why Mikey called me the bad guy."

"What'd you tell him?" Ray asked, taking my glass and setting it on the table before I dropped it.

"That it wasn't for me to tell him; then I left." I said, my hand falling to the table since Ray took the glass.

"Yeah, well, Mikey just called me." I rolled my eyes, knowing what that meant. "He said Gerard asked about you some more then said something about Gerard having a dream, which was really a memory." I responded with some noise my throat conjured up. I couldn't be bothered to form words. "Mikey wants to kill you now."

"It was your fucking idea Toro." I said harshly.

"You were on your way there last night anyway." Ray said calmly but bluntly. "I said I'd work on Mikey so just ignore him. He's afraid that everything will repeat itself."

"Well I don't plan on going back so he won't have to worry about it." I said, a headache already developing.

"Yes you are because now he's curious about you." Ray told me and I scoffed. "He wants to know what it was like before he lost his memory. Eventually, he's going to find out you two were dating. Might as well be from you."

"What the fuck is your problem?!" I suddenly snapped at Ray. "Yesterday you tell me that he shouldn't know about us and no you're telling me to go tell him?! You're fucking bipolar or some shit!"

"Frank, no more drinking." Ray left some money on the counter then before I knew it, he was carrying me out of the bar. "You need to start controlling yourself." He said, sticking me in the passenger's seat of his car. I buckled myself while Ray got into the driver's. "Look, I know what I said; and I still believe it. But it's not going to happen because he's starting to remember things and he's still Gerard so one way or another, he'll get himself answers." I slid down in the seat and pulled the hood over my head, crossing my arms and staring out the window. "Do you still have pictures of you two together?"

"Of course." I told Ray, still looking out the window to watch Jersey blur by. No matter who you break up with or how bad your relationship way, you most always have at least one picture of a happy moment of frozen time. I happened to have a whole shoebox of those kind of moments. Gerard was the best thing that ever happened to me. Well pre-McCracken Gerard that is. "Why?"

"We'll go through them tonight and find ones where you tow are just hanging out or something; nothing too graphic yet." Ray said, heading towards my house. I wondered what would happen to my car which was still at the bar. Probably get towed or something. It wasn't on the top of my concerns at the moment. "Once we have them, we'll go see Gerard and see if they help him remember anything."

"I thought we didn't want to remind him of how he and I were once madly in love." I said sarcastically.

"I think it's the best way to help him remember his life because no matter how bad things got, you two still love each other; even if he doesn't remember or you won't admit it. Love isn't something that just disappears." Ray pulled into the driveway and turned the car off.

"You should have become a philosopher instead of a drug dealer." I said, getting out of the car and heading for the house. "Wait in the living room and I'll get the pictures." I told Ray a little harshly. I didn't want him to see where I kept them. It was my 'secret' hiding place if you will. Ray nodded and went to the living room while I went to my bedroom.

Just to be sure, I shut the door of my room when I reached it. I slid the doors of my closet open then got onto my knees to dig around in it. I pushed my shoes out of the way (it wasn't just shoes) then carefully moved my guitar; the one thing that I missed a lot. I couldn't play it though; I would try and for some reason all I could do was sit there and stare. My muse was gone. When I reached the back of the closet, a heavy feeling of pain and regret blanketed me.

Call me creepy, a stalker, or whatever other words you come up with, but I loved Gerard more than anything so of course I kept some things of his or objects with specific sentimental value. Like, I had one of his hoodies. It was not too long after we met; I was really cold one night so Gerard took off his hoodie and gave it to me to wear. I didn't take it off unless I had to shower. I basically lived in it but he never once mentioned or hinted to my returning it. That was about six years ago; and I just stopped wearing it probably six weeks ago. I stopped ever since Gerard's crash.

Wrapped in the hoodie was a box filled with photos of shows, shoots, and overall special moments between mainly myself and Gerard. For years I would just toss the photos in the box, telling myself I would get them frames or make a scrapbook or something. It just ended up full then buried deep in the closet where I wouldn't have to see them and start crying or something. I knew it was going to be painful to look at them but I told myself I was doing it for Gerard.

Carefully, I took the top off the box and looked at the pictures on the top. One that jumped out at me was of a night that he and I were heading to the airport to fly back to Jersey from a tour or something, I don't remember the exact details. Bob, man 'allergic' to cameras, was taking pictures of everything to amuse himself. He pointed the camera at Gerard and I so I wrapped my arms around Gerard's neck and stuck my tongue out to Bob. This of course was captured on video tape but when we were watching it, it was put on freeze frame and I loved how it looked so much that I had it made into a picture.

Another towards the top was a photo shoot we did for the band. It was actually a 'behind the scenes' kind of photo; not one they would use for publication. It was more of a picture for the memorial sake; and that's exactly what it was giving me. Gerard stood in the middle, one arm around Mikey and one arm around me. Ray stood behind me, resting his arms on my head then his head on top of his arms. Bob stood next to Mikey, holding two fingers up behind Mikey's head for 'bunny ears'. I laughed a little as I looked at the photo. It was from when we were all really close; when we were still friends.

Then, the photo that caught my eye, really brought the pain. It was a picture of Gerard and myself. We were hanging out at Ray's or something, sitting on the couch and watching a movie. Gerard had his arms around me, a blanket around the both of us. My arms were around his body (you can't see them but I remember this night very well) and my head on his shoulder since we were in a slight laying position. We ended up falling asleep like that and, right before they rudely woke us, Mikey, Ray, and Bob took a few pictures of us. This one was my favorite so I kept it. A tear escaped my eye and splashed onto the shiny coating of the picture. I threw it back into the box and put the lid on it then headed for the living room so Ray could go through them with me as well.

I took a deep breath because I would do anything to help Gerard remember. No matter how mad I was at him, I would do anything to help him.

I'm still in love with him.