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Ch.5----- So Close and Still So Far ((So Close John McLaughlin))

"Well it rains and it pours when you're out on your own. If I crash on the couch, can I sleep in my clothes?" I was in the middle of a stage, a microphone in hand and words spewing from my mouth. A roaring crowd of mainly hormonal teenagers stood before me; screaming and cheering. "Cause I've spent the night dancing, I'm drunk I suppose. If it looks like I'm laughing, I'm really just asking to leave." To my left was Ray; guitar in hands and fingers flying frantically over the strings. From the corner of my eye I saw Mikey playing the bass he showed me. It could only mean one thing; I was singing at a show for the band Mikey said we were once a part of. It was a concert for My Chemical Romance.

"This alone, you're in time for the show. You're the one that I need; I'm the one that you loathe." If this was a concert, then...; I looked to my right and sure enough, there was Frank. He didn't look as thin and frail as he did when he came to see me. He too was playing a guitar, kneeling a little as he played. Frank looked up and smiled at me. His eyes shone and he seemed really happy. "You can watch me corrode like a beast in repose.'Cause I love all the poison away with the boys in the band." I smiled back at Frank then began to walk towards him.

Frank stood up all the way then walked towards me to meet me half way. Robot-pedophile Bob was playing the drums on a riser; only he seemed a lot less creepy. It hit me that Ray looked a lot less threatening as well. He had muscles, but not as much as he did when I 'met' him. This Ray wasn't as thin either. I mean, he wasn't fat but the Ray I knew was a lot thinner; like Frank. "I've really been, on a bender and it shows. So why don't you blow me?! Everybody jump! 2-3-4."

As I got inches from Frank, he let go of his guitar then threw his hands around my neck, pulling my head down to his. Suddenly, Frank pressed his lips to mine and I found myself kissing him back. It was quick and sloppy, but it felt just right. Frank smiled at me again as he resumed playing his guitar, returning back to his spot as more words flowed from my mouth and into the microphone.

Again, I woke up sweaty and confused. In my dream, or memory, I kissed Frank. Was it just adrenaline or did we have a stronger relationship then just friends? Still, friends don't kiss each other on stage, or at all, right? Wasn't that something you do with people you're in love with?

Were Frank and I in love?

No, that can't be. He's a guy! But...that doesn't matter, does it? I'm really confused again! I had to ask Mikey. On the tv and movies, they only show guys and girls being in love. They don't ever show two guys; was it wrong? Wait, was that why Mikey didn't like Frank? Was he jealous or something? Did he like Frank? Gah! I had to ask him.

Breathing rather heavily, I got out of the bed and went to the living room where Mikey was sleeping. I walked to the couch and bent down next to him, shaking him gently. "Mikey?" I whispered as he started to wake.

"Five more minutes..." He mumbled, burying his head in the pillow.

"Mikey, please wake up. It's me, Gerard." I whispered and instantly Mikey flew up, causing me to fall backwards onto my but from shock.

"Gee? What's wrong? Are you ok?" Mikey quickly bombarded me with questions. He scrambled off the couch and onto the floor to sit by me. "What happened? You're all sweaty and out of breath."

"I had a dream; or a memory." I said and the horror in Mikey's eyes died down.

"Oh." Mikey said, putting an arm around me. "What was it about?"

"I think a concert where we were all performing..." I said, trying to recall the event though it only happened moments ago.

"That's great!" Mikey said with a smile, hugging me. "Was I doing kick ass bass playing?!" He asked with amusement.

"Um...maybe? I didn't really notice you..."

"Thanks." Mikey's voice was sarcastic but he was still smiling. "Is that all?"

"Um...no..." I said quietly. "T-there was something else..."

"What?" Mikey asked calmly. I knew it wouldn't last.

"I, um..."

"You what?"

"I kissed Frank...?" I replied quietly.

"Fuck." Was all Mikey said, letting go of me and turning on a table lamp then pulling out his phone. "Ray? Yeah, I know what time it is. No, he's fine. It's finally happened; he's remembered."

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Franks POV

"Frank; Frank, wake up." I heard someone calling my name and as I slipped from my dreams back to reality, I felt someone shaking me. "Frank, we have to go."

"Go where?" I mumbled into my pillow, recognizing the dulcet tones as Ray's.

"To Mikey's." He said and I moaned. I was ready to punch him. One minute he wants me to stay away from Gerard, next he wants me to stay by his side it seemed. "Come on. I know it's late but we have to."

"Go without me." I said miserably, turning to face the other way so I could go back to sleep. No such luck.

"Gerard had a dream about you two kissing."

"Fuck." I moaned, hauling myself into a sitting position and rubbing my eyes. "I knew going to see him was a bad idea." I mumbled, pulling my blanket back as Ray went to my closet to get me clothes before I realized he was there. I was still half asleep.

"Frank," Ray said hesitantly and I turned to face him, "Why do you still have this?" He was holding Gerard's beaten up hoodie in his hands and I quickly woke up, jumping from the bed and snatching it from his hands. It would lose Gerard's smell (NOT creepy so shut the fuck up) if Ray fondled it. "Frank..."

"Don't say anything." I said sharply to him, holding the hoodie close. "Stay out of my closet."

"I only wanted to get you clothes..." Ray said, sliding past me and away from the closet. "Just...be ready in ten minutes." He told me, leaving my room to go get shoes on.

As I held Gerard's hoodie, it suddenly dawned on me that Gerard remembered us kissing. While that was very vague because it happened constantly, I couldn't help but feel a little joy. Joy and nausea that is. As much as I wanted him to remember me, I didn't. I didn't want it all to repeat itself. "Frank!" Ray called, snapping me from my thoughts.

Quickly, I slid the tattered hoodie on then grabbed some cargo shorts and ran the brush hastily through my hair before heading to the living room. "Seriously?" Ray asked as he saw me. He meant the hoodie.

"I told you not to say anything." I said coldly as I went to get my shoes on. Sure the hoodie had a bunch of holes and rips, not to mention loose strings where it was unraveling, but it was still the warmest and most comfortable hoodie I had. Of course that could be because it was Gerard's and my mind was fucking with me. Either way, I felt at home in it and I hadn't worn it since Gerard's accident.

"You have a problem Frankie." Ray said with a little amusement and a small smile as he opened the door.

"Yeah," I said as I stood up then walked out into the cold air, "you." Ray laughed, something I hadn't heard in god knows how long, and unlocked his car. I'm guessing it was roughly three in the morning and I was going to see my ex-boyfriend because he suddenly remembered our old stage habits.

Yawning, I opened the passenger's door and fell into the seat while Ray got into the driver's and stuck the key in the ignition to start the car. "So why are we rushing over there?" I asked, shutting my eyes and sliding down in the seat. I was falling asleep again because for the first time in who knows how long, I actually fell asleep quickly and on my own.

"Gerard wants to know more about you and what it was like before the crash." Ray told me, driving the silent roads to Mikey's. "So you're going to answer his questions." There was warning in his voice.

"And let Mikey kill me?" I asked. "I think not."

"I'll keep Mikey in a different room or something." Ray said while the blurs of lights passed through my closed eyes. "We're going to settle this once and for all."

"I really don't think this is a good idea." I mumbled, opening my eyes and sitting up as my back began to cramp. "He shouldn't know about it."

"Stop denying that you want him back." Ray became a little harsh. Bastard. "You're wearing his beat up hoodie that you used to wear twenty-four seven for Christ's sake!"

"I may want him back but I can't have him back." I told Ray, sliding my fingers through one of the holes.

"Why not?" Ray's voice softened a little as he turned onto Mikey's road.

"Things have changed." I said quietly. "We've changed."

"That's not always a bad thing." Ray said, parking on the road in front of Mikey's apartment. "See how he feels about you. Everyone, including you, knows the love is still there. You just have to find it again then get it to grow." Ray said with a smile. He's a fucking fortune cookie or something. "Now come on." He got out and with a heavy sigh, I followed him. There was a light on in Mikey's apartment and I knew they were waiting. As last time, nausea plagued me.

Ray quietly knocked on the door and a moment later, Mikey answered it, stepping aside to let us in. He smiled at Ray but glared at me as I passed. I rolled my eyes and followed Ray. "Kitchen." Mikey said so Ray and I headed there. I could smell coffee. Of course where there's a Way, there's coffee.

When I walked into the kitchen, I instantly froze because, not that I should be shocked, Gerard was sitting at the kitchen table; head hung over a cup of coffee. "Hey Gee." Ray said quietly and Gerard's head shot up to face us as though we had broken his train of thought. Right away, mine and his eyes locked together. His were still a pretty hazel color that held curiosity and mystic. The corners of his mouth pulled back slightly, his pale pink lips forming a small smile.

"Hey Ray." Gerard said, not taking his eyes off me. "Hey Frankie." When my nickname slipped through his lips, my heart melted and I felt like falling down. That single word hasn't passed his lips in probably two years. Even when we were still together, the last year or so, he would only call me 'Frank', if he spoke to me at all. But now, he said it with such ease and joy. It was like the Gerard I first fell in love with was back.

"Do you just want to talk to Frank?" Ray asked and I heard Mikey scoff but I wasn't worried about him. My attention was on Gerard; day dreaming of his lips and how good it felt when mine were pressed against them.

"If you don't mind." Gerard said softly, pushing his coffee away from him a bit and breaking eye contact for a moment. "Just for a few minutes. I have some questions."

"Of course." Ray said softly, pushing me slightly towards the table. "Mikey and I will be in the other room."

"What?" Mikey suddenly said with shock. "I'm not leaving them alone!" He protested.

"Ass, living room, now!" Ray said sharply and I didn't hear Mikey comment again so I assumed he obeyed. Ray was like the parent of us all; always kept us from killing each other. "Don't let it get out of hand." Ray whispered with warning to me before leaving. I nodded, still staring at Gerard.

"Hey Frankie." Gerard repeated to me. "I, uh, need to talk to you; if you don't mind." He said, still staring into my eyes. I was lost in them. They were shining with joy, of what I'm not sure, and he looked cuter than he ever had. "Please sit." I nodded, slowly making my way to a chair across from him.

What did he want to talk about? His dream or memory? Us kissing? What would I say to him if he asked about it?

Gerard, I'm still madly in love with you?