Categories > Original > Humor > The Tummy Wars Series

Tummy Wars pt. 4

by Cereal_junkie 0 reviews

Oh no! It's part 4! Run!

Category: Humor - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Fantasy,Humor - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2008-12-21 - Updated: 2008-12-21 - 3204 words

Tummy wars: Pt. 4

Autumn: Okay! Who stole my meatloaf?!?

Charlie: It was I. I have made an ingenious discovery in cloning and I needed it to test my theory.

Autumn: You were going to...clone meatloaf?

Charlie: No! I was really hungry and I love meatloaf! Is that a crime?

Autumn: It is when you steal someone else's dinner, asshole!

Charlie: Dinner? It's 9 o'clock in the morning!

Autumn: So! I can eat dinner when ever I want!

Charlie: No you can't! Dinner is defined as an evening meal, idiot! This would be breakfast!

Autumn: So give me back my breakfast!

Charlie: Who ever heard of meatloaf for breakfast anyway? Go make some eggs and toast or something!

Autumn: I'll eat whatever I damn well please whenever I damn well please! I'll have babies for a midnight fucking snack if I want!

Charlie: Writes on a pad of paper and mumbles it out loud at the same time Shows early signs of cannibalism, and irrationality. Has a tendency to be violent towards doors for some reason or another. Visual studies indicate that she's nothing more than an idiot who seems to hold regular conversations with pillows. Studies are, as of yet, inconclusive.

Autumn: ...

Charlie: Turns away and starts to type something into a large computer

Autumn: ...Comes up behind Charlie and starts to breathe heavily

Charlie: Ignores Autumn and keeps typing

Autumn: ...Stays where she is

Charlie: Starts to become annoyed by the idiot behind him Autumn...what exactly are you doing?

Autumn: Trying to get my meatloaf back...Concentrates on the back of Charlie's head, and makes a humming sound while doing so

Charlie: Starts to become even more annoyed What do you mean trying to get your meat loaf back? It's probably in my small intestine by now! The only way you are going to get it back is if you gut me or wait for me to use the bathroom, and that isn't me giving you permission to gut me either!

Autumn: Aww man! Puts away a fish gutting knife she had pulled out

Charlie: Sighs and turns around What do I have to do to get rid of you?

Autumn: Tell me the meaning of life!

Charlie: Okay...Looks around for the simplest answer to get her off his back

Autumn: ...Waits patiently for Charlie to say something

Charlie: Ummmm...pudding.

Autumn: Stares in amazement Oh my god! I knew it! runs out the door to tell the world

Charlie: Finally, I can get back to work. Sighs, and shakes his head then turns around to continue his work

Later that day:

Autumn: Bursts into Candy's apartment Candy!

Fred: Damn it Autumn! You almost made me choke on my apple sauce!

Autumn: Becomes confused as hell Umm...this is Candy's apartment, isn't it?

Fred: Yeah.

Autumn: Good, because the last three apartments I barged into weren't and the people were very rude. Crosses her arms

Fred: Yeah...people tend to be rude when you break their door down and pretty much destroy their privacy.

Autumn: Really? I didn't know that! I'll have to write it down in my Handy Dandy Points finger at a random corner

Disembodied children's voices: Notebook!

Autumn: Notebook! That's right! Pats her pockets Now...where the hell did it go.

Fred: did you do that?

Autumn: Answers distractedly as she looks in one of her many pockets Do what?

Fred: You just pointed and a whole bunch of random kids’ voices said notebook out of nowhere.

Autumn:'s called blues clues syndrome. You have to have it for it to happen. Watch this.

Fred: Watches Autumn carefully

Autumn: Let's go eat some Points to a lamp shade

Disembodied children's voices: Babies!

Autumn: Babies! That's right!

Fred: ...You have problems, you know that?

Autumn: You're just jealous 'cause you can't point and make children's voices say stuff!

Fred: Yeah...I'm real jealous.

Autumn: Finally notices that Candy isn't there Umm...where's Candy?

Fred: You just noticed she wasn't here? Are you blind?

Autumn: Only slightly...only slightly...Shakes her head Where did Candy go anyway?

Fred: She ran to the store for a minute...she'll be right back.

Autumn: Okay. So why are you here?

Fred: That's a...private matter.

Autumn: Blig migarg!

Fred: ???

Autumn: Runs around in circles Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Fred: Autumn...are you...okay?

Autumn: Stops Never better. Why?

Fred: ...Never mind. Shakes his head

Candy: Just gets home Autumn...what are you doing here?

Autumn: ...Shit! I forgot. Shrugs

Candy: Oh well. Sit down and have a few drinks with us. Carries her bags into the kitchen

Autumn: Okay. Sits down across the table from Fred

Fred: Whispers threateningly I'm watching you!

Autumn: Oooooo. I'm so scared.

Fred: Whatever.

Candy: Comes back out with some glasses and a pitcher of lemonade

Autumn: Aww man! I thought you were talking about real drinks!

Candy: Autumn. I'm not stupid, you know. You're under age. You aren't allowed to drink alcohol yet.

Autumn: Well maybe if your mother would stop lactating in my breakfast cereal every morning, I wouldn't be under age anymore!

Candy and Fred: What?!? Both look at her like she's crazy

Autumn: What? Looks around to see what they're looking at

Candy: Autumn...are you...on something?

Autumn: No! Why do you ask, anyway?

Candy: ...Never mind. Shakes her head

Fred: Yeah...I've had to deal with it for awhile. Earlier she just like busted in here. She practically broke your door down. I think she kicked it in, actually.

Candy: You kicked in my door?!? What the hell is wrong with you?!?

Autumn: The doctors are still trying to figure it out. Shrugs and shakes her head

Fred: Oh yeah. Autumn. Show Candy that thing you can do.

Candy: Thing? Oooo. This sounds interesting.

Autumn: Okay. Starts taking her pants off

Fred: No! I mean the blue clues syndrome thing! The thing with the kids voices! What the hell were you thinking of?

Autumn: Oh. Well I can do this thing with my...never mind. Hold on. Puts her pants back on all the way and concentrates

Candy: Aww man. I wanted to see that other thing...

Fred: Pervert.

Autumn: Shh! Here it goes. Watch this.

Candy: I'm watching.

Autumn: Let's go throw a Points at Candy's T.V.

Disembodied children's voices: Deer turd!

Autumn: Deer turd! That's right!

Candy: ...Ummm...that's...interesting, to say the least.

Fred: Autumn. Why do you always repeat what the kids voices said and say that's right?

Autumn: That's the only way it works. I can't do it again until I say that phrase.

Fred: Ohhhhhhh. Okay.

Candy: Pours the lemonade into the glasses and hands two of them to Autumn and Fred Drink up. It's fresh.

Autumn: From Zak's toilet?

Candy: ...Noooooo...I squeezed the lemons myself earlier before I left and I just mixed it with some sugar and water.

Autumn: Ohhhhh! Okay! Drinks some lemonade

Fred: Hesitates and looks in the glass at the lemonade

Candy: What's wrong?

Fred: I don't trust do I know you didn't put something in it?

Candy: Oh you're just paranoid because I helped Autumn turn you into a woman and take away your memories for almost a year.

Fred: You helped her?!?

Candy: Well yeah! You were being an asshole and you needed it! Besides. At least your evil side is gone now.

Fred: Grumbles incoherently

Autumn and Candy: What?

Fred: Never mind. Sighs and takes a drink of the lemonade

Candy: Okay. Shrugs and takes a drink as well

Autumn: Oh yeah! That's what I came here for!

Candy and Fred: What?

Autumn: Well...Charlie told me the meaning of life! Do you wanna hear it?

Candy: Laughs Sure.

Fred: This ought to be good.

Autumn: The meaning of life is...Pudding!

Candy and Fred: Both look unimpressed but laugh at how gullible Autumn is

Autumn: See! Isn't it amazing?!?

Candy: Ummm...yeah.

Fred: Not in the least.

Autumn: Oh shut up! You really need to lighten up, you know?

Fred: I can't. I feel uneasy around you both now that I know you're the ones who did that to me. In fact, I've decided that I'll go ask Charlie for help instead of you now Candy. Even if he doesn't help me, it's worth a try. I don't trust you now.

Candy: You didn't get a chance to tell me what you wanted in the first place.

Fred: That's all the better. The less people that know about it, the better. Gets up to leave

Autumn: Wait!!!

Fred: What? Sighs

Autumn: Gets up and throws her lemonade in Fred’s face

Fred: What the hell was that for?!?

Autumn: I wanted to see if you’d melt like the wicked witch of the west.

Fred: …I’m leaving. Opens the door and goes to close it

Autumn: Grabs the door You son of a bitch!!!

Fred: Looks puzzled What? What did I do?

Autumn: Not you, Him! Points at the door

Fred: Yeah…I’m out of here. Leaves

Autumn: Starts kicking and punching the door

Candy: Autumn! What the hell are you doing?!?

Autumn: Continues what she’s doing Beating the shit out of your door.

Candy: Yeah, but why?

Autumn: He said that my mom’s breast milk was powdered! And he called her a guy!

Candy: Ummmm…Autumn…doors can’t talk. And will you quit doing that?!?

Autumn: Stops Oh…really?

Candy: Yeah! Duh! I thought everyone knew that! Are you stupid?

Autumn: No, I’m an idiot. Didn’t you read the second tummy wars? I’m the president of the Idiots of the Month club! Duh!

A ruckus can be heard from the hall

Charlie: NO! Not the lamp!

Candy: What is that idiot doing now!Looks outside to see Charlie battling three large meatloaf monsters.

Autumn: Oh yeah! The king of meat has risen again!

Charlie: Help you idiots! These things are…

Meatloaf Monster 1: Muuummmyy…It starts to hug Charlie

Autumn: Oh so you can give birth to Meatloaf but I can’t have it for breakfast!

Charlie: Just shut up and help! I...can't breathe! Gasps, trying to get air into his lungs

Candy: Autumn!

Autumn: What? Picks her nose

Candy: Damn it Autumn! Knock that off and go eat those monsters! We need to help Charlie!

Autumn: I'm on it! Jumps on the monster's leg and starts to tear chunks out with her teeth

Meatloaf monster 1: Yeeeeeaaaaargh!

Autumn: flavored.

Drake: Shows up in a manthong I'll save you, my love! Tears the meatloaf monster's arms off and takes Charlie away from it

Meatloaf monster: Wahhhhh! Mommmyyyy!

Charlie: My baby! Ummmm...I mean...Run! Jumps out of Drake's arms and runs in the opposite direction

Drake: Baby! Wait! I didn't even get a kiss for saving you!

Candy: Why don't you do us all a favor and follow him then? It's better than having you standing around here. Rolls her eyes

Drake: Must you be a bitch to me everytime we cross paths?

Candy: Yes, actually. You see, I'd rather not hate you because you're marrying my brother, but I can't help the fact that your face makes me want to light a baby on fire everytime I see it. So if you don't mind, would you leave before I commit a felony? I'd rather not go to prison.

Drake: Ha! My face? Look at you! You're so ugly, I'm surprised your mother didn't drown you at birth and then kill herself for giving birth to such a hideous thing!

Candy: You look like one of those types of guys who has to sit down to piss.

Drake: Gets in Candy's face What the hell is that supposed to mean?!?

Autumn: Starts battling the meatloaf monsters while the other two are arguing Guys! A little help would be nice!

Candy and Drake: Both ignore Autumn and keep arguing

Candy: It means that you're a pussy! You can't even piss standing up!

Drake: Ha! Yeah right! Just ask your brother! He could tell you that I'm a real man!

Candy: Oh, so you can't prove it yourself. Smiles smugly

Drake: Smiles as well As a matter of fact, I can. Pulls down his manthong to show his manhood to Candy

Candy: Looks away quickly Ahhh! My eyes! It burns! It burns! Put it away!

Drake: Chuckles and pulls his manthong back up I told you. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go bend your brother over something and give him some lovin'.

Candy: As hot as that sounds, you in the equation cancels out any images that might have crossed my mind. I don't want to imagine you doing my brother.

Drake: Ignores Candy and finally takes off after Charlie

Candy: Turns back to Autumn, who is barely managing to hold off the two standing meatloaf monsters while the other is lying on the ground eating random objects off the street like street signs and traffic cones said something earlier. What was it?

Autumn: Shakes her head and dashes toward Candy I said "A little help would be nice!" I needed it like awhile ago, but you were too busy arguing with your future brother in law to pay attention! Now help me! Jumps into the air and sideways to avoid one of the meatloaf monster's arms as it comes crashing down onto the street a few feet away from the meatloaf monster on the ground

Candy: Alright! Let's go then! Pulls a gun out of nowhere and shoots a meatloaf monster, who heals up instantly Damn! How are we supposed to defeat them if they keep healing?!?

Autumn: Candy! You have to help me eat them! I tried cutting them up, and the same thing happened to me! It was only when I ate part of the meatloaf monster's leg that it didn't heal up! So eat! Eat for your life!

Candy: You can't be serious! I hate meatloaf! I don't want to eat tons of it!

Autumn: I am serious! If you won't eat it, then find a few people who will so we can get rid of these things! I'll hold them off until you find someone! Jumps at the meatloaf monsters and lands a few kicks that don't do much of anything other than distract them Balls yeah! I'm gonna kick all your asses!

Candy: Wastes no time in going around the town trying to find some people to help eat the meatloaf monsters Hey! You! Yeah! You! Stop! I need you!

Dan: Randomly appears in the minds by the grocery store Ummmm…is it my birthday?

Candy: Huh?

Dan: Well, an extremely hot woman runs up to me and tells me she needs me. There must be something going on that I don’t know about.

Candy: Sweat drops Actually, I need a few people that love meatloaf to come help us eat these monsters…

Dan: Meatloaf? I love meatloaf!

Candy: Uh-huh, that’s fantastic. The more help the better.

Dan: I love meat.

Candy: …I bet. Now, come with me—

Dan: Meat is great, I love it.

Candy: OKAY! I get it!! Now are you going to help me or not—

Dan: Thick, long, sausage links…

Candy: God damn it! This is pointless! punches Dan across the face and knocks him out

Dan: DAHH!!

Candy: looks around for some more people frantically You! grabs Anthony by the back of the head

Anthony: OWWY!

Candy: There’s no time for whining, you’re girlfriend is about to get her nice, round ass whooped by a monster made of meatloaf! You’re helping us!

Anthony: I-I am?!

Candy: Yes.

Anthony: Don’t I get a say in this?

Candy: Nope. drags Anthony to Autumn Now eat to your heart’s content!

Anthony: Hey—huh—CANDY?!

Candy: Now to find more people. runs off to search for others

Autumn: spots Anthony from the corner of her eye Anthony! You came!

Anthony: Just in the knick of time.

Autumn: A little bit earlier would’ve been nice…

Fred: retarded laugh Came.

Autumn: Shut up! Help us eat these god damn it!

Fred: Maybe I don’t like meatloaf, why don’t you ever consider what I may not like, hm? Ever think about my feelings, Autumn?

Autumn: Actually, I think about what you like all the time…Coughs out Geta’s name

Fred: Excuse me?

Anthony: Now is not the time!

Geta: comes flying in from the distance I have made my decision!

Fred: looks up in amazement Oh…Geta…

Geta: I have decided that today…I’m going to get a sex change!

Fred: NOOO!!!! leaps at Geta and pulls him into his arms Not your glorious penis!

Geta: I’m sorry, Fred. hugs him back But it’s something I have been wanting to do for a very long time.

Fred: Well, if that’s the case… pulls away to stare into Geta’s eyes, touching his face gently Count me in.

Geta: What…What are you saying?

Fred: Geta, let’s get vaginas together!

Autumn: Interrupts the conversation But…would that make it kind of hard for you to pee? I mean…being stuck together is never a good thing Fred…

Fred: What the hell are you talking about? I’m saying that I’m going to get a sex change as well, idiot!

Autumn: Ooooohhhhhhh! Okay…trails off

Geta: Fred, you don’t have to do this.

Fred: Yes, yes I do.

Geta: No, really, I don’t think I could handle seeing you with a vagina…not again…

Anthony: HEY!!! I thought I was supposed to be helping, not fighting them by myself!

Autumn: looks up from a yaoi manga Oh, I totally forgot. My bad.

Geta: finally notices the meatloaf monsters Eeep! jumps into Fred’s arms What are those things?!

Fred: Charlie’s babies.

Autumn: My long lost breakfast…

Geta: slightly confused But…how are we supposed to…

Fred: Eat them.

Geta: EAT?! Are you crazy?!

Fred: I’m sorry, but it’s the only way.

Geta: Ha..haha…not going to happen. I’m out of here. leaves

Fred: No!!!

Autumn: What?

Fred: I forgot my ketchup….and Geta’s leaving me again!

Autumn: throws another glass of lemonade in Fred’s face

Fred: GAHHH!!!!

Autumn: Damn it, I was almost positive it would work that time.

Fred: You little bitch!!

Anthony: YOU GUYS!!!!!!! gets eaten by one of the monsters

Autumn: NOOO!!!

Fred: What?

Autumn: My favorite yaoi couple broke up! Yuki! Don’t leave him again!

Fred: Oh shut up! Your boyfriend just got eaten!

Autumn: Oh, really? How did he manage that one?

Fred: … throws lemonade in Autumns face

Autumn: It burns! It burns! runs around in circles and is eaten by one of the monsters

Fred: AHHHH!!!! AUTUMN!!!! …Well…I’m outta here…Walks away

Autumn: Voice being muffled by the meatloaf Fred? Fred?!? Help me!

Anthony: Voice muffled by the meatloaf as well Well…this is a great way to be spending my time…I could be looking at porn…tch…I should have stayed out…

The end? …Ha…maybe…until next time…
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