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Chapter 16----- Pale White Skin With Strawberry Gashes All Over ((Strawberry Gashes Jack Off Jill))

Gerard's POV

"You've been fucking Bert, haven't you?" Frank asked with extreme pain in both his soft voice and his captivating eyes. My head was spinning and everything sounded tunnely.

"What business is it of yours?" I asked him rudely, falling onto the couch. Frank stood in front of me with arms crossed over his chest, staring at me. I leaned my head back, trying to level myself which wasn't working.

"Well I'm supposed to be your boyfriend." Frank said bitterly. "I should think you wouldn't sleep with anyone but me."

"I'll do what I want!" I shot at him, just wishing he would stop talking. It was giving me a severe headache. It felt like my heart was in my head and I could feel the heavy thumping of it against my brain.

"Of course you will." Frank said with sorrow. "You get the drugs from him, have a grand time while you're high, then come back to me with your fucked up hung over attitude. Now you're sleeping with Bert. Since I obviously can't provide with either of those two things, and it's clear you don't love me, maybe we should stop playing this charade." Frank spoke quietly but full of hurt. His words were sharp and direct; and pissed me off.

"Why the fuck would you say I don't love you?" I snapped.

"You'd rather be drunk and high then spend time with me!" Frank shot right back. He was angry but I was furious. He never leaves me alone about anything. "I'm afraid to even talk to you anymore!"

"Then why are you?" I asked him, shutting my eyes to try and level my head.

"Because I want to know; me, or Bert." Frank asked so I opened my eyes and looked at him. "Choose."

"I'm not fucking choosing between my boyfriend and my best friend." I told him sternly. He continued to stare at me with hurt eyes. "You need to go lay down or something until you get over this."

"No, you need to tell me if you want to be with me, clean and sober, or if you want to go be high and drug with Bert." Frank spoke just as sternly to me as I did him. "Because I can't take it anymore!"

"You can't take it?" I sat up now and glared at him. "I can't take your fucking nagging! I can't do anything anymore with you going on to me about it!"

"Choose!" Frank said coldly; I was pushed too far. So I stood up, shoved him, and watched him fall backwards; his head hitting the corner of the coffee table. It gouged his head and trails of crimson blood started running down his pained face.

"There!" I yelled at him angrily. "Now get the fuck off my back!" I stepped over his legs and went to find my cellphone. I flipped it open and searched the address book until I found Bert's name. I pressed 'call' and listened to the ringing until he picked up. "Hey." I said with a smile and soft voice. "Can I come over?"

"You're always welcome here Gee baby." Bert replied in a half cooing voice to me. "I just replenished my supplies too."

"Yum." I said, thinking about the small little pills and fresh greens that he was talking about. "I'll be over in a few minutes."

"What about your boyfriend?" Bert asked, his voice changing from sweet to bitter.

"Don't worry about him." I said with my own harsh tone. "He's got to clean up his mess anyway." I replied while grabbing my car keys and heading for the door. "Right now I'm only thinking of you."

"Aww how sweet." Bert's sweet voice came back to me and relaxed my mind slightly. "See you in a few minutes. Love you."

"You too." I replied before shutting my phone and sliding into my pocket. "I'll be at Bert's. Call me when you get over yourself." I yelled to Frank before slamming the door and going to my car.

I opened my eyes and stared at the pillow next to me; my breathing heavy and my face wet with sweat and/or tears. I had actually hurt Frank; I mean, I figured I did but to see it. To see the blood run down his face; to see the pain in his eyes and hear it in his voice. No wonder he's scared of me. I hurt him then I just left him to clean himself up. He could have gotten a concussion or died. I didn't seem to care though. I was more worried about going to Bert then helping Frank.

I now knew why everyone hated him so much. He was more important to me than Frank; my boyfriend. I don't blame Frank for being so apprehensive to talk to me then crawling to Ray when I mentioned Bert. I've had to of done a lot worse to him. Mikey said I almost killed Frank; I now know he meant that literally.

Heavily pulling oxygen into my lungs, I pushed the covers of the bed back to realize I was shaking. My nightmare was by far the worst I've had. I still can't believe it. I hurt Frank, purposely, and left him bloody on the floor for someone else to worry about. How the fuck did he stay with me that whole time? How long did this go on? I wanted to ask him, but now I was afraid to. He was scared to be near me now, plus, all I could think about was hurting him again. I don't want that to happen.

I got out of the bed and made my way to the living room of Mikey's apartment. "M-Mikey?" I called out. No reply. I checked the bathroom but I was alone. I had to talk to someone. I'm shaking and freaking out; but Mikey's probably at work. 12:33. Yep, he's at work. I can't bother him at work. Finding my cellphone, I slid it open and called Ray; he came to my mind. I noticed Bert's name was no longer in my cellphone either which I was relieved of. I didn't want him there. Not after what I remembered. "R-Ray?"

"What?" Ray asked with a little bitterness.

"Will you talk to me?" I asked; sounding like a small petrified child.

"I'm busy Gerard." Ray replied with little emotion. I started to cry. "What's wrong?" His voice softened but I couldn't stop crying. I was absolutely terrified of myself. I didn't know exactly what I did with Bert but obviously I had sex with him and did some form of drugs on top of my drinking. I'm so fucked up.

"I had a really bad dream." I choked out through the phone. "Mikey's not here. I'm scared."

"What kind of dream?" Ray asked. I heard voices in the background; they sounded annoyed and angry. Ray ignored them though and waited for my response.

"I hurt Frank and left him bleeding on the floor and when to Bert instead." I sobbed. Tears were pouring from my eyes as the image flooded through my mind again. "I can't stop shaking and I feel really nauseous." I heard Ray sigh heavily.

"I can't leave work Gerard." Ray told me with regret. I didn't even know what he did. I felt bad for bothering him now. I hope I didn't get him in trouble. "What time does Mikey get out?"

"Like four?" I said with a little choking. I was sitting on the couch, in the very corner, with my knees pulled to my chest and my head resting on the back of the couch.

"Are you going to be ok until then?" Ray asked with concern.

"N-no..." I admitted. "I'll let you get back to work..." I mumbled afterwards.

"I'll see what I can do, ok?" Ray told me gently. "For now, try to calm yourself down before you get sick. I have to go." I heard the phone line go dead and I put my phone away, still crying hard. Thick tears slid down my face and onto my arms which rested on top of my knees. I couldn't stop shaking and my head was spinning. I was really freaking out. The thought of what I did to Frank, while knowing I did worse still, made me hate myself.

I got off the couch and headed for the bathroom. I threw up a few times from the shaking then when I stood up to wash my hands, I saw my reflection in the mirror. "Monster!" I screamed at myself. I didn't want to look at myself. I'm disgusting and horrible. The way I treated Frank was atrocious. I slammed my fist into the glass; creating a large circle of cracks where my knuckles collided with it. My face was altered into a bunch of different things in each of the sections but I could still see myself.

Again I punched the glass. I kept doing it; glass falling into the sink as well as sliding into my skin. Blood was running down my arm now; coming from the cuts on my hand. It started to drip into the sink so I help my hand over the drain, watching it. "Bleed!" I yelled at myself. "Bleed for all the blood you caused him to lose!" I squeezed my wrist with my other hand, forcing the blood out now. I was still crying hard but I didn't stop. I was a monster and didn't deserve to be treated as anything more.

I fell to my knees, my arm still hanging over the sink as my blood slowly dripped down. I rested my head against the rim of the sink. My body still shook and I still felt nauseous. I pushed myself up enough to see in the sink. There was a large piece of glass in the sink that I grabbed and then sat down completely; holding the shard with my bloody hand. I wasn't bleeding enough. I had to make myself suffer for all the suffering I put Frank through. I didn't deserve to live. I held the glass to my chest, right over my heart, and shut my eyes.

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Frank's POV

I woke up in my bed this time. The blanket was carefully pulled over me and I was in only my boxers. Ray probably stuck me here. I think I fell asleep on him again. With a yawn and some stretching, I got out of my bed and wandered to the living room. Ray wasn't there. I sighed heavily because I know what he went out to do. He told me he was going to stop but apparently not. It's not like he can't get a regular job. Hell, Ray could even join the music business again.

I need to get myself a job; again. My savings are almost gone and bills still need to get paid. Bills don't care if I used all my money on alcohol to drink away my awful memories of my ex. Is he again? I didn't mean to freak out like that in front of him. I know how fragile he is still. But the name 'Bert' just pushed me too far. I guess it's because I had the best day of my life and then it all just suddenly crashed. Had it been any other day he asked, I would have handled it better.

Making myself some coffee, I sat on the couch and turned on the television. I would have to talk to Gerard today or tomorrow. I can't wait too long. I don't want to lose him again. I have to apologize for over reacting then carefully explain to him who Bert was; what Bert did. I would avoid mentioning how he would hurt me; often. That would cause too much mental strain on him right now.

As usual, there was nothing on tv. I turned it off and went to my bedroom, finding the hoodie Gerard had given me for my birthday and sliding it on. I loved it. It was warm, big, comfortable, and from him. Definitely beat the nasty one I was wearing before (which went back to my closet). Going to my dresser, I pulled a pair of jeans out and slid them on. I really had to gain weight or buy new clothes; if they made them any smaller for guys. Nothing fits. It's all too big. Once somewhat dressed, I went to my closet and slid the door open.

With a deep inhale of breath, I grabbed my guitar. I had to try and play again. I missed it so much. My problem before was my inability to play because of Gerard. But now I had him back; kind of. I would have rushed right over there, but I had to give him space too. Mikey more than likely told him something about Bert; I would fill in details. I'm probably the one out of all of us that remembers the best. I didn't forget a single fight or a single bruise.

I sat on the bed with the guitar resting gently in my lap. It felt so foreign to me now. But at the same time, it felt perfect. I blew some dust of and stared at it before starting to strike random chords. The sound swirled around me and it felt so wonderful. My guitar was my everything. When Gerard hurt me, I would often just quietly play to myself to take my mind off my pain. But somehow, when I lost Gerard, I lost my ability to play too. Now though, even the most random chords sounded like Heaven to me again.

I began to play a little faster; a little more organized. I shut my eyes and let my hands do whatever they wanted. Up and down, faster and faster, the noise consuming my room. It felt so good. I didn't even recognize that I was playing Famous Last Words; well pieces of it at least. I was just letting my fingers run over the strings, savoring the feel again. Letting my ears, my mind, soak up the noise my guitar produced. That perfect noise. It wasn't until my cellphone started ringing that I stopped. I smiled, my mood happy, because I was able to play again.

"Hello?" I answered (it was on vibrate too; that's the only way I could tell someone was calling).

"I know you're still upset, but you need to go talk to Gerard." Ray told me in a hurried tone.

"I planned on it. But I thought I should give-"

"You need to go now." Ray told me, concern in his voice. I was confused but my heart began to pick up speed slightly. "He called me a few minutes ago. He had a nightmare of hurting you. He was crying and said he was shaking." My heart picked up more speed. "I think he's in trouble."

"I'll go right there." I told Ray, setting my guitar on the bed and heading to the front door quickly. "I'll call you later." I shut my phone and grabbed my car keys; sliding my feet into sandals even though it was pretty cold out. I had to get to Gerard. That's the last thing I wanted him to remember right now.

I slammed my key into the ignition, quickly yanked the seat belt over my body, and pulled onto to the road to go to Mikey's. Luckily, it wasn't far away. But of course God hates me and made traffic a bitch. I tried to call Gerard's phone but he didn't pick up. That only made my heart beat faster. I swear it was going to go through my chest if it gained any more speed.

Finally, I made it to the apartment. I pulled onto the side of the road and ripped the seatbelt off my body. I didn't bother shutting my car off; I didn't care. I had to make sure Gerard was ok. I ran to the door and knocked. No one answered. Fortunately, it was unlocked. I shoved the door open and looked around ."Gerard?!" I called. No answer.

"Gerard?!" I yelled again. My heart was near exploding and my head was spinning. I checked the kitchen, bedroom, living room; nothing. That only left the bathroom. My stomach knotted as I walked down the small hall to the bathroom. "Gerard?" I called.

"Go away!" I heard muffled sobs inside. I was slightly relieved but not much.

"Gerard, I need to talk to you!" I told him. "I'm sorry about the other night; I just lost control."

"I'm a monster!" Gerard told me through his crying. I turned the knob of the door because his voice was shaky and my heart racing. I opened the door and saw the broken mirror; the blood in the sink. "Stay away from me!" Gerard cried. He was sitting against the wall, his hand covered in blood and a piece of glass held in front of his heart. That really made my heart beat.

"Gerard!" I half yelled at him. "Drop that!"

"No!" He said back to me with a little anger. "I deserve to bleed as much as I caused you!" Tears stained his cheeks like blood stained his hand. He was shaking and all I could think about was about it was my fault. I shouldn't have freaked out like that.

"Gerard," I spoke a little calmer and walked towards him, "put the glass down." I could see the slices all over his pale hand where the glass shredded his skin. "I'm really sorry about the other night. I over reacted."

"You should be afraid of me." Gerard said with as much fear as he did anger; hate. I knew this. He was blaming himself for the other night. It is his fault; but it's not. "I'm a monster."

"No you're not." I told him, still slowly making my way towards him. "You're sweet and kind and gave me the best birthday I've ever had."

"After I almost killed you."

"That was over a year ago." I told him flatly. I had to get the glass away from him. I knew all the signs of self abuse; I did it. I would hurt myself after Gerard left. I would blame myself for losing him an even though he hurt me, I continued that pain. It was almost like I needed it to survive. My psychiatrist told me it was because I was trying to fill the space that Gerard once occupied; I was hurting myself to tell myself that it was Gerard doing it. To tell myself Gerard was still there. Of course with a lot of sessions and struggle, I over came it. "You're different now."

"No," Gerard told me, shaking his head a little. "I'm not different. I'm the same. I'm a monster."

"Please put the glass down. We can go out to the living room and talk." He shook his head at me.

"You deserve so much more. I'll only cause you pain." Gerard told me with regret.

"This," I said as gently as I could, "this is causing me pain. I don't want you to hurt yourself. That would cause me pain." I spoke slowly and carefully, trying not to upset him.

"They say the things you love you must set free." Gerard mumbled to me. His gorgeous eyes were cloudy and full of pain. "Take back the life I stole." He told me with a slight smile. Suddenly I saw red liquid start to slide down his chest; he had pushed the glass in.

"Gerard!" I yelled, running the rest of the way to him now (Mikey's bathroom was ridiculously large). He pulled the glass out, the blood starting to come out faster now. I couldn't tell exactly where he got himself but I knew it was dangerously close to, if not completely at, his heart. Gerard's hands fell as his pale white skin was painted red. I fell to my knees, tears coming out of my eyes now, pulling him to me. He was still breathing, but labored. "Gerard! Don't leave me!" I cried into his ear as I held his head close to mine. I felt his blood run onto my body; my jeans absorbing it.

I laid him on his back and grabbed towels; pressing them against his body. I pulled out my cellphone and called 9-1-1, talking to someone on the phone to keep myself calm until the ambulance arrived. His breathing was getting slower and slower; his eyes shut as I held his head in my blood stained lap. I continued to cry, begging him to stay alive, and stroking his face. The towels were all ready soaked with is blood and when the ambulance finally arrived, I couldn't hear his breathing at all.


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A/N--- I love the song 'Strawberry Gashes'. Listen to it sometime if you haven't heard it.

So if you see a story by the author "Rainbowcupcake", read it. That's half my account. My secret internet luvur lilrainforest (aka Ray) and I are co-writing some things. We have a story started called 'somebody out there loves you' (title from MCR's 'untitled' or 'stay'). Read it.

xoxo Tabi