FicWad

*A/N--- Eh; this chapter sucks. It's going to get dramatic again after this. I've just been in a fluffy mood. I'm about to pass out. I should have waited to do another chapter when I wasn't so tired but...what can you do. Now my cat's in my lap and rubbing his head against my hands as well as walking on my keyboard, making this note hard to get done.

Bert will be making an appearance next chapter/one after.

xoxo Tabi

((it's going to start getting harsh too; like memories of Gee beating Frank))

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Ch.18--- Every Now and Then I Feel So Insecure ((Help! The Beatles))

Frank's POV

I sat on the heater next to the window; my knees pulled to my chest and my back against the wall. I rested my head against the window and stared at the people walking the busy streets to go to work or wherever else they were going. I wondered if their lives were any easier. They all seemed like they were in such a hurry. You can't enjoy life if you're in a hurry. That's something Gerard taught me. When he mentioned dreaming about the first time we had sex, I remembered that. That night I learned that Gerard enjoyed taking things slow; painfully slow. When I asked why he did it, he said it was because the feeling was more pleasurable if you took your time. He was right and that concept can actually be applied to almost every aspect of life.

I don't think I've ever rushed anything after that night either. Sure, I would bitch about Gerard's teasing, it hurt, but it only drew us closer to each other. That's probably why I had such a hard time leaving him. I got so close to him that I became part of him. That was until he disappeared. I mean that in the sense that the drugs completely consumed him. The Gerard I was in love with was gone; the drug addicted Gerard remaining. He didn't have any part of me. That's why I was finally able to leave that night. He gave himself up for the drugs; he gave me up.

Right now he's asleep. The real Gerard is lying there asleep. Peaceful and somber looking with his chest slowly rising and his heart steadily beating. I couldn't sleep so I came to sit over here and just watch him. He's going to have to be watched now. He'll have to see a psychiatrist and for awhile we'll have to keep sharp objects away. I don't want to treat him like a small child but he put himself in this situation. He can't end up here again for attempted suicide. It's going to be a pain to be constantly watching him, but everything in life that's worth having doesn't come easy. Gerard's definitely worth having.

When he is released, he'll come stay with me again. I'll explain to him the terms of our relationship. He'll have to work just as hard as I would to make it work. I'll have to talk to him about Bert; drugs, abuse, alcohol, and all. I can't deny the fact that he did it. I'll tell him everything he did to me so, if he really wants to be with me, he won't do it again. Because, no matter how much I may want to be with him, I can't allow myself to receive more abuse; of any kind. I won't survive if he does abuse me. Not only because he can severely damage my body but also because neither my heart nor my mind can take any more abuse. It was hurting just to remember the pain, physically and emotionally, from when it happened before. I'll always want to be with him, but I have to do what's best and what's safe for me.

Unfortunately, Bert would have to be contacted and Gerard will have to talk to him; face to face. That's the only way he'll know for sure who Bert is. The only way he can decide which he loves more; the drugs or me. I know Bert will try to get Gerard down that road again. Bet will assume everything will be like it used to be. I refuse to leave the two alone though. I'm going to try to keep Gerard clean and sober but in the end I can't choose for him. Still, I can do my best to persuade him not to do it all again; by all means necessary. Just as long he doesn't hurt me. I couldn't protect myself before but I especially can't now because I'm practically nothing. I need to start gaining weight or I'll disappear. I actually think I'm smaller than Mikey now; and that's saying something. Mikey's always been practically nothing. I swear if he stands sideway, and you look just right, he'll disappear before your eyes like when you try to look at a piece of paper sideway.

Looking out the window again, I saw large snowflakes start to slip from the gray sky; floating gently down to the earth. I love winter. Cold weather is perfect because it's the perfect excuse to get extremely close to someone. To just cuddle in each other's arms; sharing warmth and tenderness. Snow is also great. It's soft (usually), fun to play in, and really nice to just lay in. Gerard would always yell at me for lying in the snow because he told me I would get cold and sick. Sure, I would get cold, but it was nice. Snow quiets the world and when you lie in it long enough, without speaking or moving, you end up in a whole different world. Almost like your soul breaks free from your body and just floats through the air; through time. But then again, the cold numbs me and I'm a little mentally unbalanced.

"How's the world look?" A quiet, soothing voice broke my train of thought. I pulled my head from the window and looked to the bed to see my dark angel staring at me with curiosity. He still looked exhausted but he had a sweet smile on his face. His head was tilted to the side and he still lay on his back because I've been sleeping on him; using his chest for my pillow.

"White and in a hurry." I replied, resting my chin on my arms which were on my knees. "No one takes time to enjoy the world." I told him with a sigh. Yet again I realized that Gerard was studying me with his eyes. I just stayed still and waited for him to be content enough to talk again.

"Are you ok?" Gerard asked me after a few minutes. He sat himself up in the bed and stared at me with large eyes containing concern as well as confusion. He's become incredibly good at seeing what people were truly feeling and thinking.

"Just a lot on my mind." I told him quietly with a small smile. He continued to stare at me with concern.

"I'm sorry for everything." Gerard said with a little regret. "I've ruined your life so much."

"No, you've made my life a lot better. I was never attracted to anyone until I started to hang out around you. Don't start blaming yourself. I allowed it to happen so it's just as much my fault as yours." Gerard's eyes softened and he looked to me with admiration. I just continued to stare. "What you did the other day was stupid and hurt me just as much as when you physically attacked me."

"I wasn't thinking then." Gerard said, avoiding making it sound like an excuse. "I was freaking out and acting inappropriately."

"Well no you're staying with me where I can keep a close watch on you." Gerard nodded. "You have to see a psychiatrist for a little while too. I'll send you to the one I saw. She's amazing." I took a deep inhale of air before continuing. "You can't be near anything sharp without supervision and you can't be left alone until you earn our trust back."

"Why are you doing so much for me?" He asked with a happy yet sad tone. I swung my legs over the heater and slid off, walking to him and climbing onto the bed again.

"Because I love you and when you love someone, you'll do anything to protect them." I said with a smile. Gerard's eyes teared with happiness and I pressed my lips to his. When I pulled away, I grabbed Gerard's hands and brought them to my mouth, kissing his knuckles then placing his hands over his heart. "I have to protect this."

"And I yours." Gerard said softly, sliding his hands out of mine and pushing the hair from my face. I really should get a haircut. I'm just so fucking lazy. That and it's not at the top of my list of priorities. "I promise not to intentionally hurt you again." He whispered as he stared directly into my eyes. I just smiled apprehensively at him. I've heard it all before. "Now, what's on your mind?"

"You." I told him with a small smile. "Us." He nodded and slid his arms around my waist. "Bert." I mumbled with misery.

"I want to talk to him." Gerard said a little hesitantly and I nodded. "I want to make sure he knows I won't do that shit with him anymore." I scoffed a little on accident. Gerard looked hurt.

"Don't be so sure Gee." I replied with slight bitterness. "You've never denied him before." Gerard stared at me, studying me some more, then pulled on me suddenly so I fell. "Careful!" I told him sternly as I sat myself back up. Gerard just laughed at me as I sat on my ankles. I reached into my pocket and pulled the half of necklace Gerard had left out. "Don't take it off again." I told him, sliding it over his head. Of course he would have to for showers, sleeping, and tests; but he knew what I meant.

"You look exhausted." Gerard told me with a worried frown.

"I kept waking up all night." I told him with my own frown. "I'll be fine though."

"Why don't you lie down then?" Gerard suggested. I shook my head. I was fine talking to him; no matter how tired I may be. That wasn't good enough for Gerard though. Again, he grabbed me and yanked me down. Before I had time to react, Gerard wrapped his arms around me and held me down. I didn't fight because I didn't want to hurt him and honestly, it felt good. I just sighed heavily and rested my head on his chest; sliding my legs down so I laid on my stomach. "I win." Gerard told me with amusement. I just scoffed; smiling. I finally had my Gerard back. After years of suffering and wishing, he was finally back. My only fear was losing him again.

"I miss your singing." I said into Gerard's chest. "Your voice is amazing." He laughed a little. "Miss your drawing too."

"All in time." Gerard told me. "But I do remember one song rather well."

"Sing to me." I demanded. When I leaned he had such an amazing voice, I begging him constantly to sing to me. He never denied me. Often he would complain but I would just tell him it was payback. I shut my eyes as Gerard took a deep breath. I slid my arms around his body to hold him tightly while his heavenly voice began to dance around me softly; perfectly.

"Turn away; if you could get me a drink of water 'cuz my lips are chapped and faded. Call my aunt Marie, help her gather all my things and bury me in all my favorite colors. My sisters and my brothers too. I will not kiss you; 'cuz the hardest part of this is leaving you." I took a deep breath and pressed my head into him a little more; exhaling into a soft smile. He must have remembered my adoration for that song. "Now turn away, 'cuz I'm awful just to see. 'Cuz all my hair's abandoned all my body; all my agony. Know that I will never marry. Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo. Countin down the days to go. It just ain't livin and I just hope you know;" Gerard squeezed me tighter. "That if you say, goodbye today; I'd ask you to be true. 'Cuz the hardest part of this, is leaving. 'Cuz the hardest part of this, is leaving you." I passed out a few minutes later.

I sat on the couch in the Way residence living room; my legs up and bent as I was half lying down with my back pressing against the hard arm of the couch. Gerard sat in between my legs on his knees; well actually he was leaning on me for the most part. My arms were over his shoulders as his tongue ran along the back of my ear as his lips massaged the cartilage. I was trying not to make loud noises but it was proving a hard task. Though we were alone in the house, we were in the living room rather than the dark privacy of Gerard's room.

Gerard's arms were under mine; hanging over the arm of the couch. We were watching a movie but it got increasingly hard to stay off each other as the film progressed. Thus, we ended up in this position. The only problem is, no one knows we're dating. And seeing this might be a rather rude way to break it to them. Especially since Gerard is a few years older than me. But I've seen happy couples with age differences larger than ours. It was the fact that I'm still underage that makes it seem creepy. Not to me though.

"You taste delicious." Gerard whispered seductively in my ear. That's what sucked; being underage. Gerard and I couldn't do much because of it. I mean, I wouldn't ever run my mouth should we progress farther before my eighteenth birthday, but just in case he wants to stay safe. I have to admire him as much as I hate him for it.

"Gee..." I half moaned out as passionate waves ran through my body. "Shouldn't we be downstairs?"

"Why?" He asked without removing his mouth. I pried him off me to look him in the eyes.

"Your parents could see us..." I said with a slight frown.

"So?" Gerard pushed my hands out of his way and put his mouth to mine now; kissing me passionately. I opened my mouth to protest but he just slid his tongue into my mouth before I could say anything; running it along the roof of my mouth then along my tongue. Again I pried him away. "Will you stop that?" He asked with a little aggravation. "My parents won't give a fuck. They like you." Gerard kissed me again. "But not as much as I do."

"What about Mikey?" I asked; still holding Gerard far enough away to hold a conversation.

"Mikey knows what I do with guys." Gerard said annoyed.

"Yeah but I'm his best friend and you're his brother..."

"All the more reason." Gerard grabbed my hands and held them down before kissing me again. "I don't give a fuck what Mikey thinks." He whispered to be before pulling at my lip a little with his teeth. I would like to go somewhere else but it felt so good that I didn't press the matter too much. Gerard slid his hands under my shirt and started to pull it up. He yanked it off me against my will. "Stop hiding your body." He said as he dropped my shirt to his floor.

I slid down a little farther so Gerard stuck his knees on either side of my body now to allow me to keep my legs like they were without disturbing him. It's actually the perfect position for sex; but I'm training my body well to stay in control until I'm eighteen. You better believe I have the perfect night already planned; the perfect gift coming from Gerard. But that was still a year away. I'm only sixteen. My seventeenth birthday is in a few weeks. As Gerard continued his attempt to eat my lip, I heard the front door shut and my heart began to race.

"About fucking time." Mikey mumbled as he walked past the living room.

"Welcome home Mikes." Gerard said with a smile, sitting back up. I continued to lie there; my heart racing with nerves. "How was your date?"

"How was yours?" Mikey asked, entering the living room with a bottle of water. "Hey Frank." He said to me and I just smiled at him.

"Mine's not over." Gerard said, running his hand along my body. I bit my tongue to keep myself silent.

"I see that." Mikey said as he uncapped the bottle and dumped some of the liquid down his throat. I felt my face redden with embarrassment. "Dude, Frank, don't worry about it." Mikey said with amusement; no doubt noticing my embarrassment. "I've been wondering when you two would move past over the top flirting."

"You're not upset?" I asked, tilting my head back to look at him.

"Upset?" Mikey asked with a little laughter. "You've managed to get my brother into humanity again. At least I know who he's fucking; not some random person he'd bring home, sneak into his room, and then dispose of the next day." Mikey looked to Gerard.

"One, we're not fucking." Gerard replied to his brother. "And two, my sex life is none of your business. If you didn't stay up listening-"

"You made too much noise for me to sleep." Mikey replied before Gerard finished. I sighed and stared at the ceiling. They seemed to go at each other over the stupidest of things sometimes. It wouldn't last long but it was annoying nonetheless. "Just be careful. You know, because of the age thing." Mikey drank some more of the water then grabbed the remote from the coffee table to change the channel. "And if you're going to make noise, go somewhere else."

"We were here first." Gerard told Mikey with a cocky grin. "So you can leave if you don't like the noises."

"Whatever." Mikey said with a sigh. "So are you two finally dating now?"

"Yep." Gerard replied, pulling me up into a sitting position. Our bodies were pressed firmly together and when I went to get my shirt, Gerard smacked my hand. "I told you no."

"But M-"

"I told you I don't care." Mikey said without looking. "I've seen worse." That thought made me shiver a little. Gerard needs to start locking his bedroom door when people are down there with him. Scratch that; I'm the only one who will be down there with him. We'll be locking the door. "I've heard worse."

"And you've done worse." Gerard said. "In front of me."

"So don't be shy Frank." Mikey told me, still looking at the television. "We both do it to each other."

"But you're my best friend..." I replied a little awkwardly.

"Believe me; you dating my brother isn't going to change that." Mikey turned the television off and got up again. "Have fun." He replied with a smile before heading off to his room. Gerard looked to me, laughed, and kissed me again.

"I love Mikey." Gerard said. "He's the best brother. Don't you love him?" I ended up on my back again.

"Not as much as you." I told Gerard who nodded, going back to eating my lip.

I opened my eyes and saw it was the middle of the night. I wasn't tired anymore so I knew I wouldn't get back to sleep. Carefully, I slid out of Gerard arms and got off the bed; going back to my spot on the window. I resumed the position I had early and looked at the bright full moon illuminating the night sky; thinking about my twisted angel and how God must love me a little to send him back to me.

Maybe we can make this work after all