FicWad

He looks nervously at me. “Shall we?”
I nod and we get out of the car. I look up at the sky, which is darkening. It’s going to rain.
We walk in, and neither of us even bothers to look at the menu.
Gerard gestures for me to go first; I step up to the counter.
“Gingersnap latte please.” The guy nods.
“And him?”
“Pumpkin Spice.” I smile, because if I hadn’t gotten the gingersnap, I would’ve gotten what Gerard got.
We don’t say anything until we have our drinks and we’ve sat down.
I try to start a decent conversation. “So, this is your first year, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you from Jersey?” I ask him.
He laughs. “Accent gave me away?”
“Yeah.” I smile. “Where in Jersey?”
“Belleville.”
I nod thoughtfully. “I’m from New York. By Syracuse.”
“Cold.” Gerard says thoughtfully.
“Yeah…”
Now it’s his turn. Obviously, this isn’t something he has practice with. “So, what got you into art?”
Oh god. Wrong question. I don’t want to think about this now.
“Um…I don’t really know. I just liked to draw. It was just something I liked to do. I got good enough to go to school.”
He nods, pursing his lips. He knows that’s not my reason. But he doesn’t say anything else.
I’m already beginning to drown in my own thoughts. I’m glad I lied. But it’s hurting me again, and I’m suddenly ready to leave. Not because I don’t want to be with Gerard, but because I need to be alone.
I glance at the clock, like I’ve got somewhere to go.
“Oh god, I’m so sorry Gerard. I have to go. I’m gonna be late.”
He looks a little sad, but he hides it before I can really decide what his expression is.
“It’s fine. Let’s go.”
As we walk out the door, the sky breaks open. Rain pours down as we run to his car. I’d actually stand in the rain if I could. But I’m apparently late. For a date with myself.
Gerard unlocks the car and I get in, with one last look up at the sky. The rain feels good on my face.
We’re quiet on the way back too, and Gerard looks upset. Brooding. I’m afraid to speak. And I can’t think of anything to say.
“Thanks.” I say. He nods. “See you tomorrow.”
And I get out of the car, happy that the rain hasn’t stopped yet. I leave him behind, holding myself together, until I get to my little dorm. I don’t have to share it. I paid extra for that, but it was necessary.
I shut the door behind me, water dripping down my face. I lean back against the door and slide down onto the floor. My hair falls over my face as I put my face in between my knees. I bite my lip as I try not to cry.
Why I got into art? Because I didn’t have anything else. Because everyone else walked away. Because paper listens, but it doesn’t talk. Because I am alone, except for Thalia.
My hands are shaking as they go towards my bag. I swallow hard when I feel something sharp, when I pull it out of the bag.
One little slash, that’s all I allow myself. I shouldn’t be doing this anymore. The blood drips down, and I sigh.
“That’s enough.” I say out loud.
I pull myself up off the floor, walk to the bathroom. My eyeliner and mascara are running down my face. From the rain and tears. My brown hair is much darker than when it’s dry. It’s plastered to my face. I stare at my reflection with contempt, before turning away.
Enough is enough.
The next day when I wake up, I try to forget about last night. I think about seeing Gerard this morning. I’m still not entirely sure what to make of him yet. All I know is that he’s sort of like me.
I sit in the same seat as I did yesterday when I get to my first class. I’m the first one there. The teacher comes in a moment after me.
“Rainier?” He says. I look up from my wrist, which I was trying to hide.
“Yes.”
“Can I talk to you for a second?”
I nod, getting up and walking to his desk. His name is Mr. Kingston.
“Mr. Kingston?”
“Mark.” He says.
“Mark.” I repeat.
“So, Rainier, I wanted to talk to you about your work yesterday.”
Shit.
I nod.
“Rainier, can you explain to me what this was supposed to express, from your standpoint?”
He holds up my drawing.
I hesitate. “Umm…well I really didn’t know. I mean, I couldn’t think of something specific to express me. So that was just my way of saying I don’t really know.”
He nods. “And that was my point. I’m going to guess most of the kids in this class didn’t understand that concept. However Rainier, “ he pulls out another drawing, which I recognize as Gerard’s.
“This, is, to me, saying the same thing. But in a more personal way. Do you think you could try and make your art a bit more personal?”
I nod.
“Alright. Thank you Rainier. I think you have a lot of potential, you just need to dig a little bit.” He smiles.
If he only knew how deep I was already…
Just then, most of the other students begin to file through the door. I got sit down, glancing out of the corner of my eye for Gerard. He stumbles in last of all. He looks different. He almost trips several times on his way to the table. When he sits down, I see that his eyes are bloodshot. His breathing is heavy, and his breath smells like alcohol.
He winces when Mark stands up and says loudly, “So, day two.” It clicks. Gerard is hung over.
“Simple like yesterday. Today, draw something that expresses what you want to be.”
Damn. And he looks right at me when he says that.
“Thirty minutes. Go.” He waves his hand, and we start. Well, most of us do.
I stare at the paper again. Who I want to be? I want to know who I am. I want to not be afraid of being alone. I want to not care, I want to trust people to not leave me.
How do I put that on the paper?
Unlike yesterday, Gerard seems to be having a similar issue, though I’m sure his problem is not the same as mine.
I glance at him, and he swallows convulsively. He’s even paler than he was yesterday.
“Are you ok?”
“Fine.” He says quickly. He squints down at the paper, hands shaking. After another moment, he gets up and walks over to Mark.
I hear him mumble something, and he looks towards the door. Mark nods understandingly and Gerard walks out the door.
I sigh, and look down at my paper. I’m even more rattled now then I was before.
The half hour passes, and I haven’t drawn anything. I wait for everyone to leave before I go up to Mark.
“I didn’t do anything. I’m sorry.”
He smiles. “I didn’t really expect you to. Here’s what I want you to do; think about the assignment. When you figure out what it means to you, do it on your own time. Give it to me then.”
I sigh, relieved. I should’ve known he wouldn’t be angry. “Thanks.”
“Welcome. I believe in you Rainier. I’m interested to watch you grow this year.”
“Thanks, “ I say again, turning for the door.
“Oh, Rainier!” Mark calls.
I turn and look at him over my shoulder.
“You might wanna go check on your friend, Gerard. He looks like he might need some help.” Mark winks. I stare at him, stunned. “I think you two might have a lot in common.”
I nod, surprised. Then I walk out the door, feeling confused.