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Chapter Ten - Sometimes Goodbye Is The Only Way


Frank sat in his room trying to find any sort of peace, his mind was racing with everything that had happened. He couldn't fight it anymore, he felt so alone and despised. Depression, he had experienced that before but this, this was different like a huge great vacuum pulling him down and it was suffocating. He didn't blame anyone for how they felt about him, he had pushed them away and in a strange sickening way it had felt good. He hated himself for what he had done. Frank dragged himself off the bed and locked his hotel room door. Looking at the chair beside his bed, he pulled it up against the door hoping it would block out the outside. The familiar dizziness was back and the dragging dull pain in his chest. Walking into the bathroom, he bolted the door and pulled the toilet seat down before sitting on it. Looking up he could see himself in the large mirror and it did nothing to pull himself out of the hole. The dark circles around his lifeless eyes, the bruised cheek where Gerard had hit him and the scabby lip from his previous fall. It was no wonder that everyone left him. Frank clenched his fists as he tried to calm the rising feeling of anger, he couldn't go on like this anymore. She was laughing at him, laughing at how weak and pathetic he had become. She was his rock, his best friend, his lover, quite simply she completed him. He hated that he couldn't forget about it, he had no control and the darkness wouldn't go away. Frank lashed out with frustration as the tears ran down his face. His right hand smashing the mirror in front of him, it was so fucking easy. For a second all he could feel was the sheer pain as the fragments slashed at his fingers and hand. He was memorised by it as the blood ran down his wrist and then his arm. It wouldn't stop. He didn't care.



Further down the corridor

"What are we going to do?" Ray asked as they sat in Gerard's room.

"I dunno Ray," Gerard replied nervously running his hand through his hair, "I can't believe I fucking hit him, I hit Frank."

"Gerard, it's not your fault," Mikey instantly said placing an arm around his brother, "The person you hit was not Frank, not the Frank we know anyway."

"He needs me Mikey and I pushed him away," Gerard said angrily wiping away the traitorous tears that ran down his face.

"We need to get Brian down here, it's gone too far now," Bob added hating the fact that he had to say those words, the words he felt betrayed his friend.

"I know," Gerard almost whispered.



Frank's bathroom

He had never really thought about how he wanted to die, it sure as hell hadn't been in a hotel bathroom. He lay on the floor as the weight of his body pulled him down, the cool surface making him shiver for a moment. He had slowly just yanked all the fragments of glass out of his arm but it hadn't stopped bleeding. It had been too tempting not to do more. He didn't want to feel like this anymore, so alone and such a burden. The visions, the fucking mocking memories and realisations. He would be easily replaced. Reopening old wounds and making new ones, he had never seen so much blood and it was darker. There was no pain and through the tears he found comfort. Frank was so tired, he slowly felt his eyes begin to close and he forgot about the cold as his body continued to shiver. It would be over soon, for everyone.



Gerard's Room

Gerard put the phone down and turned to them, "He'll be here tonight, he was already on his way."

"Oh shit," Ray replied suddenly releasing a deep breath that he was unconciously holding.

"Should we try and tell Frank?" Mikey asked.

"Yeah, I'll do it," Gerard said pushing himself up on to his feet," I owe him that much."

"We should all go," Bob added.

"He might feel we're all ganging up on him." Mikey replied.

"Mikes, I really don't care, I just want to get him the help he needs and I want him to know that we're all behind him." Bob continued.

"What if I go in first and then you guys come in after me once I've kind of explained everything to him?" Gerard asked trying to think of the best way to put it forward to Frank.

"That sounds good," Ray replied, "But we'll be right outside the door."

"Agreed?" Gerard asked the others as he watched them nod.

"Do you guys need me?" Worm asked as he watched them all finally leave Gerard's room.

"Maybe," Mikey replied as he stood with Worm and watched Gerard walk down the corridor and knock on Frank's door.

Gerard leaned his head against the door as he tried to listen for any sort of movement within the room, "Frank, it's Gerard, please open the door, I really need to speak to you Frankie."

Gerard looked over at the others when he didn't receive an answer.

"Do you want me to break the door down?" Bob asked.

"No, not yet anyway," Gerard replied unable to help himself smiling at Bob's impatience.

"Do you think he's actually in the room?" Ray asked as he pulled out his phone from his back pocket," I'll try his cell,"

Ray dialled the number and sighed when it went onto Frank's answer machine.

"Wait dial again Ray," Gerard asked.

Ray pressed the redial button and they all listened.

"I can hear his phone in the room," Gerard said quickly, "He has to be in there, he never goes anywhere without his phone."

"He's not really been himself lately though," Mikey added, "Do you want me to check if Nat or the other guys have seen him?"

"Use my phone, Chris's number is on it." Gerard said as he threw the phone over to his brother.

They all waited anxiously as Mikey spoke to Chris, the time ticking by so quickly and Gerard was getting impatient.

"None of them have seen him since we left the arena and Chris checked with them all." Mikey said as he shoved his phone back in his jacket.

"Right stand back," Bob announced.

"We can't just barge into his room." Mikey said trying to pull Bob back.

"Look, there will be no breaking of doors, I have a card." Worm interupted as he pulled out a pile of room cards.

"You have cards?" Mikey asked slightly taken aback, "You mean you can get into any of our rooms?"

Worm smiled, "Scary isn't it,"

Mikey just looked at Gerard and shrugged.

Worm slid the card into Frank's door, "He's put the chain on the door," he said as he tried to open the door, "There's something up against the door aswell."

"I don't like this," Ray said trying to peer through the gap.

"Me neither," Mikey and Bob replied in unison.

"Break the fucking door down now," Gerard ordered as he started to panic. Mikey just stood still, a sudden feeling of dread passed over him and it terrified him.

"Right, I need you guys to stand back," Worm said and watched as all four of them immediately obeyed. Worm stood back slightly before almost running into the door which broke the chain and the door angrily slapped back as it hit the back of the chair. Gerard knew it would have been a sore one as it hit Worm hard. Nothing was going to stop Worm from getting into the room and he easily pushed the door open. Gerard didn't wait as he shoved past Worm and into the room.

"Gerard wait," Worm shouted.

Gerard ignored him and quickly looked around the room before spotting the light under the toilet door. He immediately went towards it and tried the handle but it was locked, "Frank, are you in there?". Gerard slammed himself against the door, he needed to get in there, he just knew something was so very wrong and he cried out in frustration when the door refused to open. Ray pushed him gently aside and reached into his back pocket and pulled out a coin, "I just need to twist this," Ray said as he managed to move the outside part of the lock and the door opened.

They both just stood there as they looked into the room.

Mikey stood outside the the main door to Frank's room, he couldn't go inside. The frantic shouts of those inside the room suddenly stopped before he heard a high pitched agonising scream from his brother. It jolted him to the core and he ran into the room. He could see his brother's feet sticking out of the bathroom, he was on his knee's and he immediately walked towards him. That's when he saw it, there was Frank, his friend, lying emotionless on the ground with blood all over the floor and some on the wall. It was terrifying, bone chilling, nauseatingly terrifying. He felt his legs give way under him before the familiar arms of Bob grabbed onto him, "You're alright Mikey, I got you." Bob said as he held on to his unsteady friend and helped him to sit down.

"What the fuck Bob? Frank, is he?" Mikey said unable to finish the sentence as he tried to block out the sounds of the other room.

"He's gonna be alright Mikey, the paramedics are coming and Gerard's trying to wake him up." Bob said trying to reassure him but not knowing if everything was going to be okay.

"Frank, Frank, please wake up, please just open your eyes," Gerard pleaded as he leaned over his friend.

"Gerard, pass me another towel," Ray instructed as he and Worm frantically tried to compress the material around the cuts, "I can't get it to fucking stop."

Frank looked so pale, almost grey and Gerard knew he was slowly fading away. He couldn't help himself from crying out. This was Frank, one of his best friends who had stood by him through everything, who could make him laugh like no one else and had inspired him in so many ways.

"Right guys, we got him,"

Gerard looked up as the paramedics came into the room and he backed away.

"If you guys just want to wait outside," the woman instructed urgently requiring the extra space, "What's his name?"

"Frank," Worm responded.

Nobody said anything as they left the room. As soon as Gerard looked at his brother, he burst into tears. The bond between them had become so strong, at times they had been able to hide things from each other but not anymore. Mikey immediately got to his feet and held his brother tightly in his arms. As Gerard pulled away he saw the blood on Mikey's t-shirt, he looked down at himself, it was all over him, his hands, his pants and his jacket. Frank's blood.
The paramedics were barking orders at each other as they quickly worked on him.

"Right, we need to move," one of them said before leaning out of the room, "Will somebody be coming down to the hospital, we will need to get details."

"Yeah," Worm responded before turning to the group, "Guys I will go with Frank, you lot stay here."

"No fucking way," Gerard snapped.

Worm clenched his fists in frustration but he knew there was no point in arguing. "Fine, Gerard you come with me and you guys can come down with Chris."

"Ray, can you let Brian know and I will call him when he have further news." Worm added.

"Gerard, you need to change your top, take mine," Bob said pulling his hoodie off and giving to Gerard who just pulled it over his stained top.

They all stood in silence as the paramedics carried Frank out of the room on a stretcher. Nobody could take it in or believe this was actually happening.

Mikey grabbed Gerard's hand and hugged him. Both looking at each other, no words were needed.

Gerard couldn't stop staring at Frank as the elevator made it way so agonisingly slow to the ground floor. If it wasn't for the bandages, the oxygen mask and the blood stains Frank would look like he was sleeping. The image disappeared from his mind as the doors flew open and he watched his friend being quickly taken out the front doors.

"Gerard, Jai's got the car outside," Worm said placing his arm on the younger man's shoulder and leading him out.

As they waited for Jai to get out of the car, Gerard watched the paramedics place Frank in the back of the ambulance.

"His heart rate and pressure is crashing," the woman shouted, "Step on it."

Gerard wanted to throw up, this wasn't really happening. He wanted to wake up from this nightmare.

"Gerard, get in the car," Worm shouted as a small crowd began to gather at the scene.

Gerard ran towards the car before he turned back to see the doors at the back of the ambulance being closed. The engine roared into life as Worm stepped on the gas and tried his best to follow the ambulance through the city. Gerard was losing it, they had lost sight of the vehicle in front and everybody and everything was slowing them down. Worm had to push him back as he continually reached over and pressed the horn.

"Get out of the fucking way," Gerard shouted as he rolled down the window and gesticulated wildly to the driver in front.

"Gerard stop," Worm snapped as they entered the hospital grounds and he heard Gerard open the car door before they had even stopped. Gerard didn't listen, he waited for Worm to slow down before he leapt out. He lost his balance and fell over but nothing stopped him from getting inside.

Worm abandoned the car in the nearest space and tore after the singer, "Gerard, wait, you can't just run in."

He could feel people staring at him as he ran into the emergency department.

"My friend, my friend was just brought in here," Gerard said gasping for air as he lean't heavily on the reception desk.

"What was his name?"

"Frank Iero, he was unconcious," Gerard replied, his eyes darting back and forth as he tried to work out where Frank may be.

"If you would like to take a seat and I will find out for you,"

Gerard looked at the man, "No you don't understand he's really ill, I need to see him, I need to be sure he is okay."

"If you would like to take a seat sir and I will check for you."

"I will not take a seat, I need to see him now." Gerard snapped, he wanted to lean over and hit this fool.

"It's okay, we'll sit right over there," a voice said.

Worm placed a hand on Gerard's shoulder, "Come on,"

"Oh and sir if you could fill out this form for your friend it would help us out a lot." The receptionist said as he handed Worm a clipboard with a form attached to it.

Gerard nervously bit his fingernails as he looked around the waiting room at the various people. People were staring directly at him and whispering at each other. He pulled his hoodie up as he tried to block them out. That's when he noticed a group of girls walking towards him. He couldn't handle it, the last thing he wanted was to be questioned. Worm could sense Gerard's discomfort as he started to squirm in his seat. Worm looked directly at the group and shook his head in an effort to make them turn away whilst using his arm to shield Gerard. They stopped and immediately sat down. Gerard could feel himself getting impatient and restless as he listened to them whisper and giggle before the sound of camera's clicking made him lose it completely.

"Are you with Frank?" a voice suddenly said forcing Gerard to sit back down again.

"Yes,"

"If you would like to come with me," the nurse said as she led them out of the waiting room.

"Is Frank okay?" Gerard anxiously asked.

"We're doing everything we can for him," she replied, "I need to get some details from you, if you would like to go into this room for me."

Gerard stopped at the door, he didn't want to go in this room. Was this the room where they would tell you? Were they trying to take him away from the public area where there might be a scene? He could feel his chest tighten. He couldn't let it happen, it wasn't going to happen. He needed Frank to be okay.




Please let me know what you think by reviewing/rating. It's really difficult to write this and I would really appreciate some feedback (even if it's bad).

Thanks for the reviews for the last one and for rating it.

As Gerard himself said, "Suicide is a serious thing. And if you know anyone who is suicidal, you need to get them help. No one should be in pain. Everyone should love themselves. "