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My father raped me.

I’m trembling, and I lean back against the wall, remembering what I thought was a dream.

My father made his way through the darkness, to my bedside. He leant down over top of me, the alcohol on his breath strong.

“You’re gonna play a game with me tonight.” He says.

I cringed into my sheets, which he ripped away. I refused to make a sound as he threw the blankets to the floor.

“Our game’s gonna be: let’s see how you look without your clothes on.”

I bit my lip as he tore at my shirt with inept, shaking hands.

“Take it off bitch.” He growled at me.

I shook my head, and he snarled. “You do what I fucking tell you! Take it all off!”

I blinked tears back furiously as I obeyed him, pulling my shirt over my head and unhooking my bra. I left them on the bed, so they would be closer; easier to put back on. I took off the basketball shorts, my underwear, leaving them on the bed too.

My father licked his lips in a sickening way, before taking his hand and cupping my breast in it. I trembled violently as he licked it, slimy and wet. He unbuttoned his pants, only sliding them down part way, along with the boxers he wore beneath.

I prayed hard that he would die, right then, right there. That was my weak moment; the one where I asked for help. But none came, just like I expected, and I was forced to endure the pain as he tried to shove his dick into me, I wanted to moan, not like he was, from enjoyment, but from pain. I wanted to tell him to stop. But I didn’t do either.

I let him have his way with me, hoping that it wouldn’t be long. It wasn’t. Only a short amount of time passed before he groaned, and pulled his pants back up, much to my relief.

“Maybe we’ll try that again later.” He spat, before leaving me shaking in my bed, with the blankets on the floor.

I feel myself hyperventilating, my breathing getting shallower and shallower.

That’s why the sight of that girl and that boy scared me so badly. Because, instinctively, I knew what was going to happen. Because it had happened to me.

My body is continuing to heat, and I feel my heart pounding.

I have to get out of here.

Calm the hell down Evangeline, I tell myself. Getting out of here won’t change anything. And I know this. But most of me just wants to scream and cry and punch somebody. Because this is more than just being raped. My father took one of the only things that was truly mine. I had always prized my virginity, and imagined it to be something slightly special about me. I had seen it as important; something I would give to the best possible person. And if anyone, recently, I had imagined myself giving it to Frankie. And now I couldn’t. I never could. It made me feel angry and sick and miserable.

I try to take a deeper breath as I button my pants back up. I have no idea what to do. I don’t even know if I am going to tell anyone.

I’m sweating even more now, and my breathing hasn’t changed. I can feel how I’m edging close to a breakdown, which is completely necessary. I walk towards the door, because the best thing that I can do is push myself into all the people, where a breakdown is absolutely not an option.

Before I go back out, I look at my reflection in the mirror, and I want to groan. My skin is pale, my hair matted against my forehead. I can see the way I’m trembling. Still, it’s dark on the floor, and the lights are flashing enough it’s sort of hard to see. I’ll be fine, I tell myself. But I don’t believe it.

I walk back out onto the floor, forcing through, back to Frankie, who’s right up front by the stage. He’s not dancing like before though. I take a deep breath, then take the step that will get me into his line of sight.

Frankie’s POV
Something’s wrong with Evangeline again. I can see it. Something was a little off when I came to Gee and Mikey’s, but I just shoved it off to the fact that she was pissed, and still hurt. But it hasn’t gone away. It got worse, the moment that she saw that guy go after that girl.

I see her walking towards me now, pale, sweaty and shaking. She comes up to me and I can see her eyes are wide.
“What’s wrong?” I ask her. Nothing. She’s gonna say nothing.

“Nothing. I’m fine.” Of course. I knew it.

I sigh. “Evangeline. I know something is wrong.”

“I’m fine.” She says again, but I can hear it creeping into her voice.

“No, you’re not. You have ten minutes, and if you’re not normal by then, we’re gonna leave.”

It’s odd, but I see something in her eyes now. Almost hunger; I can sense that she really does want to leave. She wants out.

She doesn’t answer, just focuses on the stage, but I can tell she’s not really watching the band.

I look around, trying to pick out our gang from the crowd. Someone’s gotta come with us, to drive the car back if we take it. I see Mikey, Ray, and Bob standing in the corner, watching the band and laughing. I think they might be doing some people watching too. My eyes move, and suddenly, I see Gerard and Nicole standing near the bar, kissing each other hard. I won’t bother them.

I wait out the ten minutes, watching Evangeline intently the entire time. She doesn’t get any better; she might even get worse. She looks almost scared, and I can see the way she’s trying to hold back tears.

“Ok. Let’s go.” I say, grabbing her hand and pulling her in Ray, Bob and Mikey’s direction.

She barely even fights. “Frankie, I’m fine.”

“Whatever,” I scoff. It takes a few minutes to get to them, and when we do, they smile.

“Hey guys, what’s going on?” Ray says, trying to get his hair out of his eyes.

“Actually, I was thinking Evangeline and I should go home.” I say, in my voice that they know. The one that means, something is wrong, even though it doesn’t sound like it. They know it well. I have to use it a lot. Their eyes widen a little bit.

“Ok.” Ray says.

“Can one of you come, to take the car back, so Vanj and I can take it home?” The nickname for her just kind of comes out, but I smile. I like the way it sounds.

“I’ll come.” Bob says, which surprises me at first. But then I think about it, and I realize it makes perfect sense for him to come. Bob has always sort of been the protector. Whenever something was wrong with anyone, Bob was the first one there. Even when we were little, and Mikey used to fall off his bike, or I cut my hand or something like that, Bob would always come take care of us.

“Ok, then. We’ll see you later.” I say, meeting Mikey and Ray’s eyes, which are filled with concern. I turn, still pulling Evangeline behind me. Bob follows, and we fight our way outside.

I notice how Evangeline is shivering , and it has me worried. She’s not speaking either, and I have to stop myself from frowning.

We get into the car, and Bob automatically climbs into the front to drive. He loves to drive. I get into the back with Evangeline, who looks ghost white.

“So, you gonna tell me what’s wrong yet?” I ask her. She just shakes her head, and it worries me more, because she doesn’t even deny it.

Bob revs up the car, and starts to drive. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like Evangeline’s face is paling more, even beginning to turn green. She swallows hard, and before I can ask if she’s ok, she says, “Bob, stop the car,” in an urgent tone. Bob looks confused, but he jerks the car over to the curb. Evangeline pushes the door open and takes a few steps, crossing the sidewalk and going into the grass before falling onto her knees. I run out after her, and Bob does too. She leans over, and throws up into the grass, just as I reach her. Bob puts one strong hand on her shoulder, and I pull her hair back, kind of wishing that Bob would let me take care of her on my own.

When she’s done, she stands shakily, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?” I ask her, feeling terrible that I didn’t catch exactly what was wrong.

“Because I didn’t. That’s not what’s wrong Frankie.” She says, in a broken voice.

“Then what the hell is?” I say, exasperated; not with her, but with myself.

She takes a slow breath, and I think she’s going to throw up again. But she speaks, and the words hit me like a punch in the stomach.

“My dad raped me.”

I stand there, gaping. I see small shining tears slip down Evangeline’s cheeks, and I immediately pull her into my arms.

“It’s ok, it’s ok.” I whisper. “He’s never gonna hurt you again. He’s never gonna touch you.” I rock her back and forth as she sobs softly into my shoulder. Bob just watches us.

In the distance, I hear music, coming from a car, or a house. It’s the lyrics that catch me, even in this moment.

Just let me hold you, while you’re falling apart. Call on me, tell me everything you want me to be. Forever in you, forever in me, ever the same.

I close my eyes and listen to Evangeline cry, and the music. It’s right. The lyrics are right.

“I’ll be here.” I promise her softly. I will.
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