Categories > Books > Harry Potter > His Princess
Reviews
His Princess
(#) RLMSBPJPP 2009-06-04
Lets see...
First, another interesting chapter. The flashbacks took up much of the chapter but you segmented between and into them nicely so no real complaints there
Second, work a bit on your character development. Although it was easy to determine who "Mi" is based on her description in chapter 1 and her parents profession in chapter 2, you never really introduced her in or into the story. Also need to explain how/where Harry developed the nickname for her...
Third, grammar could use some help. It wasnt too bad and the story was more legible than others Ive seen but it could still use some improvement. I know you dont have a beta so just try to work on it... Maybe when you finish a chapter, walk away for a few hours before trying to proof it, if its fresh in your head your brain will automatically fill in the blanks of what you wrote with what you meant. If you take a break, when you return it will be more like reading it for the first time and thus easier to identify problems.
Fourth, dont use HP stories in a HP story... Its incredibly bad form, tacky and can be quite paradoxical, its like using a word in the definition of the word, you could potentially do it but you shouldnt. There is plenty of other literature out there to choose from. It doesnt even have to be good literature, just as long as its something different.
Fifth, dont take my constructive criticism to seriously, keep up the good work and post again soon...His Princess
(#) austrian_shadow 2009-06-06
Aloah,
I realy do like Crossovers with HP, sadly there are only a few realy worth reading and not abbandoned.
I'm looking forward to your next chapter, maybe telling why Harry starts Hogwarts with the Age of 13 and not 11, why Hermione was reading "The Goblet of Fire" and maybe you could include some more dialog. Readin about Harry does this and then he does that..... it's not realy this encouraging....
BUT
of course, please continue with your story, maybe with an beta for grammer and content, but continue because I think that the story holds much potential....
Kind Regards
ShadowHis Princess
(#) Faith_Crain 2010-04-15
its really interesting, i like the idea of a harry that was adopted, and by a dad that is a 'super hero' to, this is the... third ive read like this? (they are quickly growing on me.) i dont think the play marrige is that weird, i did the same when i was four, in the friends closet, i was wrapped up in a white sheet and everything, we then adopted my barbie dolls and stuffed animals so we could have kids.... lol. anyway, i like it, (yay.) please update!His Princess
(#) master_gundam 2010-06-08
could have been cool but this chapter made me want to skim faster and faster by the beginning of the 2nd flashback. by the 'wedding' i just quit this
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