Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > I'm Just A Ghost, Haunting My Own Life
“Yes, well, no, not quite dead.”
“Not quite?”
My face blanked momentarily as I considered whether or not to query it further. Of course I wanted to understand what was going on, how any of this could be happening, but she seemed obsessively evasive and it was starting to wear me down.
“Well,” she began indignantly, “I think obsessive is a bit harsh, but okay, you want more information.”
“How are you doing that?” I asked with an embarrassed frown. “You know they’re my private thoughts don’t you? Don’t you think I should be allowed to keep them private?”
“They’re not private. I know everything you do, are and think.” She tilted her head at me, a confused look on her face that suggested that I should have already understood. I didn’t.
“You know everything?”
“Yes,” she nodded.
“Then how come I have to tell you what Pete’s like?” I had her now. “How come you thought I might be dangerous?”
“I didn’t think you might be dangerous, I just thought you’d accept that as an explanation and I know all about Pete, but the question is, do you?”
“What do you mean, do I? Of course I do! He’s my…” I knew then exactly where she was going with this. “He’s my best friend.”
I began, I believed, to have an inkling of what was happening to me. I didn’t know how, and I wasn’t completely sure of why, but I had my theories. Whether any of them would matter at the end of the day, I wasn’t sure. I just wished I could remember that she could hear every thought I had. I really needed to keep myself in check somehow, but how was that even possible? I groaned audibly as I heard a light chuckle.
“Don’t worry about it,” she smiled. “Your thoughts are actually refreshing compared to some.”
“Tell me what’s going on,” I sighed. “Please?”
“You’re not dead… yet.” She began to explain. “There’s a good chance you’ll survive, but you have to prove that you deserve it.”
“How?” The question was out before her last statement really sank in. “Prove that I deserve to survive?”
“That’s right.”
“But that’s not fair!” I reeled from the shock. “What constitutes proof? How can you decide that?”
“You’ll work it out,” she grinned encouragingly. “I have a good feeling about you.”
“What if I can’t? What then?”
“Can’t?”
“Can’t prove it?” I struggled to say the words, my own self-doubt and lack of confidence crushing me.
“I told you, Patrick, I’m here to help you. I don’t want you to die any more than you do.”
Now I was really confused.
“Then let me go! Put me back in my body, untie me and let me go!”
“Whether or not you deserve to live is not my decision to make, all I can do is help you.”
“Who are you?” I asked again realising she hadn’t replied.
“I’m Alice.”
“Alice?” I cocked my head to the right; the way she had answered my question suggested that I should know exactly who she was. Again, I didn’t.
“Yes,” she chuckled, “welcome to Wonderland.”
I sighed with some irritation and frustration. “So, what? We’re waiting for the White Rabbit are we?”
“My dear Patrick,” she laughed lightly. “You are the White Rabbit.”
I pressed my palms to my head. I was sure that if I weren’t some sort of ghost right now, I’d have had a splitting headache.
“Look! I don’t have time for this! Pete’s up there now,” I swung my arm up to point vaguely in the direction of his apartment, “and he hates me! He thinks I’ve stormed off and left him.”
“But you did,” she interrupted me. “And you hid from him when he tried to find you.”
“I was angry! I was… I was stupid! Okay? I was stupid! But he’s up there and he needs me right now and…”
“Does he need you? Or do you need him?”
“He…” I stopped abruptly as her words hit home. Did he need me? Was I only thinking about my own needs? “I… I don’t know.”
“Then I think we should find out, don’t you?”
I stared blankly at her again. I was really starting to get lost in my own thoughts. Pete and I were complete opposites in many respects. He was the handsome one, the lively, attention-seeking sexy rock star. A celebrity; recognised everywhere he went. Me? I’m lucky if my own family recognise me! I have one of those faces; you know that kind of blends in. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want the media circus that Pete commands, but sometimes it’s hard to remember that under all the over-confident brashness, there’s a confused, insecure guy, just like me. We just handle it all differently, that’s all. He may even be more insecure than I am, but he over-compensates sometimes, hiding behind his good looks and natural charm to get past the next hurdle. Me? Maybe I hide behind Pete?
Does he need me? I need him. And not just because we support each other, or for the band or any of those shallow reasons. I genuinely love the guy. He’s my best friend. So maybe I should stop sometimes to appreciate that I have someone I’m so close to that understands me completely. We’re like flip sides of the same coin. At least, that’s what I think.
Does he need me or am I just holding him back?
“I think you’re ready to find out now.”
Alice’s voice brought me back to the here and now.
“I can go up there?”
“Yes,” she nodded, “but by the time you get there, it’ll be two days from the night you fell.”
“What?”
I looked around quickly realising that the sun was setting on a lovely sunny but chilly afternoon. It had been well into the night when I had stormed out on Pete. How long had we been standing there?
As I turned back, I saw her raise her hand to her lips to blow me another kiss, but this time I knew what to expect. Spiralling into the dark again, I wondered where I would open my eyes next and how Pete would be when I saw him.
“Not quite?”
My face blanked momentarily as I considered whether or not to query it further. Of course I wanted to understand what was going on, how any of this could be happening, but she seemed obsessively evasive and it was starting to wear me down.
“Well,” she began indignantly, “I think obsessive is a bit harsh, but okay, you want more information.”
“How are you doing that?” I asked with an embarrassed frown. “You know they’re my private thoughts don’t you? Don’t you think I should be allowed to keep them private?”
“They’re not private. I know everything you do, are and think.” She tilted her head at me, a confused look on her face that suggested that I should have already understood. I didn’t.
“You know everything?”
“Yes,” she nodded.
“Then how come I have to tell you what Pete’s like?” I had her now. “How come you thought I might be dangerous?”
“I didn’t think you might be dangerous, I just thought you’d accept that as an explanation and I know all about Pete, but the question is, do you?”
“What do you mean, do I? Of course I do! He’s my…” I knew then exactly where she was going with this. “He’s my best friend.”
I began, I believed, to have an inkling of what was happening to me. I didn’t know how, and I wasn’t completely sure of why, but I had my theories. Whether any of them would matter at the end of the day, I wasn’t sure. I just wished I could remember that she could hear every thought I had. I really needed to keep myself in check somehow, but how was that even possible? I groaned audibly as I heard a light chuckle.
“Don’t worry about it,” she smiled. “Your thoughts are actually refreshing compared to some.”
“Tell me what’s going on,” I sighed. “Please?”
“You’re not dead… yet.” She began to explain. “There’s a good chance you’ll survive, but you have to prove that you deserve it.”
“How?” The question was out before her last statement really sank in. “Prove that I deserve to survive?”
“That’s right.”
“But that’s not fair!” I reeled from the shock. “What constitutes proof? How can you decide that?”
“You’ll work it out,” she grinned encouragingly. “I have a good feeling about you.”
“What if I can’t? What then?”
“Can’t?”
“Can’t prove it?” I struggled to say the words, my own self-doubt and lack of confidence crushing me.
“I told you, Patrick, I’m here to help you. I don’t want you to die any more than you do.”
Now I was really confused.
“Then let me go! Put me back in my body, untie me and let me go!”
“Whether or not you deserve to live is not my decision to make, all I can do is help you.”
“Who are you?” I asked again realising she hadn’t replied.
“I’m Alice.”
“Alice?” I cocked my head to the right; the way she had answered my question suggested that I should know exactly who she was. Again, I didn’t.
“Yes,” she chuckled, “welcome to Wonderland.”
I sighed with some irritation and frustration. “So, what? We’re waiting for the White Rabbit are we?”
“My dear Patrick,” she laughed lightly. “You are the White Rabbit.”
I pressed my palms to my head. I was sure that if I weren’t some sort of ghost right now, I’d have had a splitting headache.
“Look! I don’t have time for this! Pete’s up there now,” I swung my arm up to point vaguely in the direction of his apartment, “and he hates me! He thinks I’ve stormed off and left him.”
“But you did,” she interrupted me. “And you hid from him when he tried to find you.”
“I was angry! I was… I was stupid! Okay? I was stupid! But he’s up there and he needs me right now and…”
“Does he need you? Or do you need him?”
“He…” I stopped abruptly as her words hit home. Did he need me? Was I only thinking about my own needs? “I… I don’t know.”
“Then I think we should find out, don’t you?”
I stared blankly at her again. I was really starting to get lost in my own thoughts. Pete and I were complete opposites in many respects. He was the handsome one, the lively, attention-seeking sexy rock star. A celebrity; recognised everywhere he went. Me? I’m lucky if my own family recognise me! I have one of those faces; you know that kind of blends in. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want the media circus that Pete commands, but sometimes it’s hard to remember that under all the over-confident brashness, there’s a confused, insecure guy, just like me. We just handle it all differently, that’s all. He may even be more insecure than I am, but he over-compensates sometimes, hiding behind his good looks and natural charm to get past the next hurdle. Me? Maybe I hide behind Pete?
Does he need me? I need him. And not just because we support each other, or for the band or any of those shallow reasons. I genuinely love the guy. He’s my best friend. So maybe I should stop sometimes to appreciate that I have someone I’m so close to that understands me completely. We’re like flip sides of the same coin. At least, that’s what I think.
Does he need me or am I just holding him back?
“I think you’re ready to find out now.”
Alice’s voice brought me back to the here and now.
“I can go up there?”
“Yes,” she nodded, “but by the time you get there, it’ll be two days from the night you fell.”
“What?”
I looked around quickly realising that the sun was setting on a lovely sunny but chilly afternoon. It had been well into the night when I had stormed out on Pete. How long had we been standing there?
As I turned back, I saw her raise her hand to her lips to blow me another kiss, but this time I knew what to expect. Spiralling into the dark again, I wondered where I would open my eyes next and how Pete would be when I saw him.
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