FicWad

I would have liked to be able to say that when I opened my eyes I didn’t ache. But we don’t always get what we want, do we? It would have been helpful if I’d have come to, perhaps sitting on the couch, or even lying on the bed; you know, somewhere comfortable. No, I was sprawled face down on the floor, with my right arm twisted at such an odd angle that I really had to think about it before unravelling myself. Somewhere above my head, the TV was blaring; making it its business to try to give me a ghostly migraine. Finally manoeuvring myself into a position where I could sit up, I looked to my right and saw Pete. He was crashed out on the couch, sleeping peacefully.

Well, that pretty much answered my question, didn’t it? He hasn’t even noticed that I’ve gone. I’ve been missing for two days according to Alice and here he is, dozing in front of the TV. I guess that really puts things into perspective for me.

But what can I do about it now? Even if I only say it once, I have to say it – this is really frustrating! I can’t be seen, heard or touched. I can affect nothing and yet… I mean is it really any different? Pete hasn’t even been touched by my absence, has he? Snoring gently and sleeping peacefully on the couch, he looks so… so serene. Just as the the scene seemed somehow to have a calming effect on me, only a second later, I nearly jumped out of my skin, or at least… well, you know what I mean!

“Man! You know what you’re doing!” Andy chuckled as he and Joe emerged from the kitchen carrying sandwiches and coffee. “You’re sure it’s safe?”
“Of course it’s safe!” Joe scowled, taking mild offense at the question. “You think I’m gonna slip him some dodgy street drug?”
“Well, and you won’t hear this from me often, but, he needed something,” Andy sighed.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so upset,” Joe confided as he shut off the TV before settling himself at the small table nestled near the wall.
Sliding into the seat opposite, Andy nodded. “He blames himself, you know.”
“What for?” Joe asked, taking a bite of the corner of the pastrami, cheese and pickle sandwich.
“Well, PPP was in full swing and Pete should know by now to dial down his own brand of crazy at those times, but, he’s been really moody too.”

PPP? What the hell were they talking about? Moody too? Did they mean me? I guess I have been a bit touchy lately, but I always am after we finish a project, and… Well, I was going to say, they should know that by now, but clearly they do. This time was different though; it had really hit me hard. I had achieved the sound I wanted on the whole album. I couldn’t have put more into it if I’d tried. And maybe that was the problem? I mean, if I had achieved everything I’d wanted, what was next? I had the uncanny feeling that my depression… Okay, I’m willing to admit now that I wasn’t just a bit down; I was depressed… severely. But they were for good reasons. We had created exactly what we wanted. No regrets, no ‘if onlys’, no problems at all. So why was I so down? All I could see was the work ahead; our attempts to top that album and instead of being exhilarating it was merely exhausting. You know sometimes when you get a plateful of food and it’s far too much? What happens? You get full just looking at it. It was a lot like that. So much work, so much creativity and imagination. But was I up for it? Was I ready for the challenge? I just wanted to hide. And that’s when I really went downhill.

But, one last question, what the hell does PPP mean? Where’s Alice when you need her?

“He’s probably missing his family,” Joe replied, covering his hand with his mouth as he chewed. “We’ve been recording so long. Okay, he gets to go home for the odd weekend, but you’ve seen how miserable he looks when he gets back. He misses them like crazy, especially Bronx.”
“I guess he feels like he’s missing him growing up?” Andy offered taking a sip of water straight from the bottle.

I hadn’t noticed. I’d just wanted to get the album finished. I was focussed, oblivious. I was a terrible friend! He was upset and I wasn’t even aware. I’m glad they can’t see or hear me at this point, as all I can think of is how Joe noticed that and it passed me by without so much as a backward glance. Pete’s better off without me, that’s for sure.

“You really think he’s gone into hiding?” Andy asked, placing the bottle back down onto the table.
“Well, what else could he have done?” Joe gave an animated deep shrug as he took another bite.

Andy stared at his salad sandwich thoughtfully and took a deep breath.

“Pete thinks he’s hurt somewhere and…”
“Pete just wants to believe that Trick doesn’t hate him.”

I don’t hate him! I couldn’t shout it often enough or loud enough, but nothing got a reaction.

“I don’t believe he hates Pete,” Andy reasoned.

Yay! Go Andy!

“But then, I’m not the one he has to convince!”

Oh!

Is this really my fault? Had I brought this on myself? By this point, I wasn’t even sure why I was asking the questions. Of course I’d brought it on myself. Not intentionally, but I’d hurt Pete and I had to find a way to put it right. I just had to!

Perhaps now would be the time to admit that I needed help. On cue, my head spun and the apartment whirled around me.

Alice wanted to help and I now realised that I needed it, desperately.