Categories > Books > Deltora Quest > Pandora's Vest ~(note: this title has no relevancy whatsoever to the actual story)
Lief - now regarded as the sad man child - lay quietly against Jasmine, his breathing even, only interrupted by his incoherent mutterings. Something had to be done, it was realised during the first chapter that not much had occurred, the reader only discovering more about Lief's mental deterioration and Barda's non-existent family. Oh yes, and Jasmine's mysterious time in the army.
"The belt is lost. Damn, whatever are we to do?" Jasmine sighed.
Barda cursed heartily "I am such a fool, I bought this lucky charm for no reason!"
Jasmine's brows furrowed in query "What lucky charm?"
"You know Jas, the one I bought from that seedy fellow back on Dread Mountain. I felt sorry for the poor man; he had this mark on his forehead in the shape of a hand. I asked him where he had acquired this mysterious brand. He told me he worked on a cattle farm; while he had been singing 'Old McDonald had a farm' he'd been truly getting into the mooing parts, when he was mistaken for a rowdy heifer."
"Barda! What the h-"
"Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O! And on that farm he had a cow, E-I-E-I-O! With a moo moo here and a -" It was at this point Jasmine smashed him over the back of the head with a rock.
"Shut up for once, man! Don't you get it? The mark on his forehead had been the Shadow Lord's BRAND! The shadow Lord must have been tracking us for days now! Only an idiot would believe that 'farmyard tale'"
Barda leapt up defensively "Hey, take it easy! Remember that I did drink methylated spirits regularly as a young soldier boy!"
Jasmine looked confuzzled "What? You never told me that..."
"Yes I did, when I told you about how I used to pole dance for famous political figures-"
"YOU WHAT?"
"No time to nit-pick now Jasmine, the past is the past. I can't change what happened, but I can tell you now that I was only associated slightly with the Hindenburg disaster."
"Oh, jeez... forget it Barda. I-"
Lief stirred, an innocent sigh shuddered through him. He seemed to be sleeping with no nightmares tonight. All of a sudden his body became wracked with shudders. Trembling all over, he began to cry "Father! What is it you require of me? Huh? You know where the belt is?" Lief's eyes flew open, however they remained unseeing. "The furthest star to the right and straight on til morning?"
Barda slapped Lief as he slept, rolling him off Jasmine's lap. "Idiot boy! Don't say that! It's copyright to Peter Pan(TM)! We could be sued!"
Jasmine shoved Barda away as she retorted "its okay! Our author has described this story to be a parody...!"
Barda grumbled "It's the principle of the thing..."
Lief continued his mutterings "You will find the belt under a big C! A BIG C!"
"Jesus Christ!" Barda swore, "Now he's scamming off the movie "A mad, mad, mad, mad world!"
"Actually he isn't. Technically, the letter they were after in that movie was a big W. So it can't be termed plagiarism. And if what our author has done was called a breach of copyright, is it not also fair to say that the movie "A mad, mad, mad, mad world" was plagiarising off the discount store BIG W? Or is it the other was around?" Jasmine pondered as she stroked Lief's brow. She had been madly in love with the boy ever since he told her that he was lactose intolerant. She was just not one to admit it, being a pro-wrestler herself up until her hip replacement surgery; she was not a girl who enjoyed the idea of having a weakness. Especially if it was a sad, spineless, lactose intolerant, nightmare having, lonely, bedwetting loser for a boyfriend. And the term boyfriend must be used quite loosely in this sentencing, since Lief has not declared anything of the sort, seeing as at times he even has trouble pronouncing his own name. You see to him, the words Lief and Beef sound the same. It's a pathetic type of madness, but does indeed shrink next to his bedwetting fetish.
"So under a big C, you say Lief..." Barda murmured. "What could that mean? A big C- aterpillar? A big C- anvas? A big C- aryard?"
All of a sudden Jasmine began to laugh. Hysterically - yes, truly unimaginable for Jasmine- she clenched her sides and cried with unsuppressed mirth. Barda was now convinced that she was on drugs. And not just the airport junkie material, but the 'concocted in someone's garage stuff'.
"Jas, hand it over." Barda outstretched his hand.
"Hand over what?" Jasmine blinked through her tears.
"You know what I mean. The happy pills, the crazy juice, the 'talcum' powder... whatever the hell you want to call it, just give it to me."
"Barda, I'm not high."
"Then explain your unruly cackling. You sound like my mother, I wonder how she fares without me...?"
"Barda, we explained in chapter one your mother is dead, and has been for a while now."
"No she isn't I tell you!"
"Barda get real!"
Barda bent his head in sorrow. "My mother is actually a broomstick. I just drew a face on her with permanent marker. BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE HER ANY LESS OF A MOTHER! Please Jasmine; you can't let social services separate us! She is not negligent; she is the only one I can truly talk to."
Jasmine stared "Man, you are in worse shape than I thought you were..."
"I went to the fair and got my hand stamped." Barda twiddled his thumbs.
"OOOO- KAY... back to the belt... the reason I was laughing was because I know where to find the big C!"
"You do?"
"Aye! Do you remember back in the Forests of Silence, when we all first met?"
"hmm... when you saved us from the spider beast! Why do you bring it up?"
"You know how I robbed corpses of grey guards on a regular basis-"
"WHAT THE HELL?"
"Barda, of course you know! You've helped me do it."
"Oh... sorry I wasn't referring to that, I was actually screaming in terror because at present a giant monster is salivating all over Lief's sleeping form."
Jasmine leapt to her feet, she grasped the dagger at her hip and swivelled to face this new foe. The beast was crooked and withered, gruesome looking with big fangs and a hairy face. In fact it looked surprisingly like Chewy from Star Wars. Jasmine slashed at the creature, slitting its belly wide open. The monster screeched with pain and collapsed.... Right on top of Lief as he slept. Lief shot up, but as opposed to screaming he reached up and stroked the animals pelt. His body filled with unmistakable warmth, and this time it was not urine.
Before their eyes, the creature's skin began to glow with a myriad of colours. Gold, Red, Blue, Green, Purple... and so on yada yada author can't be stuffed to work out other colours
Jasmine yelped "THE BELT! The colours represent the belt!" Without hesitation she reached inside the animal's corpse and pulled out the bloodied belt. The Shadow Lord had planted it inside the monster, but to what purpose?
Lief fingered the belt, touching each of its stones. Now that the belt had been returned to him, he seemed slightly less pathetic and repugnant than usual. He turned it over in his hands and was shocked with what he saw. The words 'Pandora's Chest' had been engraved on the other side of the belt.
"What...? Why...?" Barda muttered as he viewed the belt over Lief's shoulder. "Who would do such a thing?"
"Mayhap it was not the Shadow Lord who took the belt after all... Do you think someone might be trying to warn us?"
"Wow, so the title actually did have some relevancy to the story after all..." Barda exclaimed. "So does that mean the author has lied in the title?"
"Nah..." Lief sighed "She probably just didn't think far enough ahead..."
"OR... she was using her intelligence to weed out all the people who would have possible interest by fooling the others with a purely nonsensical and seemingly useless title. This would create a distinction between those who are open-minded and those who are not!" Jasmine stated.
There was a large pause. It was in this time a tumbleweed rolled across the stage. (Good. Right on queue)
"Nah." Barda stated. "I just don't think she anticipated this story really going anywhere. It's a parody let's not forget."
All three nodded in silent agreement.
"But wait, didn't Lief say that the belt would be under a big C? And Jasmine didn't you know where it could be found? Why did you not tell us of the monster sooner?"
Lief laughed. "But I was right!" Lief stood to heft the monster's corpse face up.
"Oh dear Christ!" Barda yelled. "IT IS CHEWY FROM STAR WARS!"
"You mean to say we have killed a cult figurehead?" Jasmine queried. "Doesn't that leave us in deep shit?"
"Yes and no. Yes in the sense that most Star Wars fans will want us dead, and No, because we have satisfied the reader with the idea of Chewy being the big C." Lief added.
Author's note : Under a big C, get it? Well technically it was inside Chewy, but C could also have represented the cranium or another such bodily organ above where the belt was located so BLEH! sticks out tongue.
Barda read the above narration. "There was no need for the tongue thing...."
Author's note in regards to other note : Beg your pardon.
Jasmine then smiled. "I suppose I was wrong in where I thought the belt was hidden."
"Where did you think it was?" Barda asked.
"Underneath Charlie's Chocolate Bar. What else was I to think? Oh Barda, I mentioned earlier, that 'lucky charm of yours is what has been telling the Shadow Lord where we are, go chuck it into the stream. Then we will continue our journey."
"No! I can't get rid of it! I paid a good 200 silver pieces for it!"
Lief perked up "How much is that Australian?"
".. hmm.. divide that by... a further deduction of... that leaves..." Barda pulled out his pocket calculator "22 cents..."
Jasmine then said "Can I take a look at it?"
"Sure." Barda handed the charm to Jasmine. Not even glancing at it she threw it into the stream. Barda looked exceedingly forlorn.
Lief shook his head "Man, I can't believe you fell for that... I may have a bladder disorder, but at least I have my dignity."
And with that, Lief promptly soiled himself.
"The belt is lost. Damn, whatever are we to do?" Jasmine sighed.
Barda cursed heartily "I am such a fool, I bought this lucky charm for no reason!"
Jasmine's brows furrowed in query "What lucky charm?"
"You know Jas, the one I bought from that seedy fellow back on Dread Mountain. I felt sorry for the poor man; he had this mark on his forehead in the shape of a hand. I asked him where he had acquired this mysterious brand. He told me he worked on a cattle farm; while he had been singing 'Old McDonald had a farm' he'd been truly getting into the mooing parts, when he was mistaken for a rowdy heifer."
"Barda! What the h-"
"Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O! And on that farm he had a cow, E-I-E-I-O! With a moo moo here and a -" It was at this point Jasmine smashed him over the back of the head with a rock.
"Shut up for once, man! Don't you get it? The mark on his forehead had been the Shadow Lord's BRAND! The shadow Lord must have been tracking us for days now! Only an idiot would believe that 'farmyard tale'"
Barda leapt up defensively "Hey, take it easy! Remember that I did drink methylated spirits regularly as a young soldier boy!"
Jasmine looked confuzzled "What? You never told me that..."
"Yes I did, when I told you about how I used to pole dance for famous political figures-"
"YOU WHAT?"
"No time to nit-pick now Jasmine, the past is the past. I can't change what happened, but I can tell you now that I was only associated slightly with the Hindenburg disaster."
"Oh, jeez... forget it Barda. I-"
Lief stirred, an innocent sigh shuddered through him. He seemed to be sleeping with no nightmares tonight. All of a sudden his body became wracked with shudders. Trembling all over, he began to cry "Father! What is it you require of me? Huh? You know where the belt is?" Lief's eyes flew open, however they remained unseeing. "The furthest star to the right and straight on til morning?"
Barda slapped Lief as he slept, rolling him off Jasmine's lap. "Idiot boy! Don't say that! It's copyright to Peter Pan(TM)! We could be sued!"
Jasmine shoved Barda away as she retorted "its okay! Our author has described this story to be a parody...!"
Barda grumbled "It's the principle of the thing..."
Lief continued his mutterings "You will find the belt under a big C! A BIG C!"
"Jesus Christ!" Barda swore, "Now he's scamming off the movie "A mad, mad, mad, mad world!"
"Actually he isn't. Technically, the letter they were after in that movie was a big W. So it can't be termed plagiarism. And if what our author has done was called a breach of copyright, is it not also fair to say that the movie "A mad, mad, mad, mad world" was plagiarising off the discount store BIG W? Or is it the other was around?" Jasmine pondered as she stroked Lief's brow. She had been madly in love with the boy ever since he told her that he was lactose intolerant. She was just not one to admit it, being a pro-wrestler herself up until her hip replacement surgery; she was not a girl who enjoyed the idea of having a weakness. Especially if it was a sad, spineless, lactose intolerant, nightmare having, lonely, bedwetting loser for a boyfriend. And the term boyfriend must be used quite loosely in this sentencing, since Lief has not declared anything of the sort, seeing as at times he even has trouble pronouncing his own name. You see to him, the words Lief and Beef sound the same. It's a pathetic type of madness, but does indeed shrink next to his bedwetting fetish.
"So under a big C, you say Lief..." Barda murmured. "What could that mean? A big C- aterpillar? A big C- anvas? A big C- aryard?"
All of a sudden Jasmine began to laugh. Hysterically - yes, truly unimaginable for Jasmine- she clenched her sides and cried with unsuppressed mirth. Barda was now convinced that she was on drugs. And not just the airport junkie material, but the 'concocted in someone's garage stuff'.
"Jas, hand it over." Barda outstretched his hand.
"Hand over what?" Jasmine blinked through her tears.
"You know what I mean. The happy pills, the crazy juice, the 'talcum' powder... whatever the hell you want to call it, just give it to me."
"Barda, I'm not high."
"Then explain your unruly cackling. You sound like my mother, I wonder how she fares without me...?"
"Barda, we explained in chapter one your mother is dead, and has been for a while now."
"No she isn't I tell you!"
"Barda get real!"
Barda bent his head in sorrow. "My mother is actually a broomstick. I just drew a face on her with permanent marker. BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE HER ANY LESS OF A MOTHER! Please Jasmine; you can't let social services separate us! She is not negligent; she is the only one I can truly talk to."
Jasmine stared "Man, you are in worse shape than I thought you were..."
"I went to the fair and got my hand stamped." Barda twiddled his thumbs.
"OOOO- KAY... back to the belt... the reason I was laughing was because I know where to find the big C!"
"You do?"
"Aye! Do you remember back in the Forests of Silence, when we all first met?"
"hmm... when you saved us from the spider beast! Why do you bring it up?"
"You know how I robbed corpses of grey guards on a regular basis-"
"WHAT THE HELL?"
"Barda, of course you know! You've helped me do it."
"Oh... sorry I wasn't referring to that, I was actually screaming in terror because at present a giant monster is salivating all over Lief's sleeping form."
Jasmine leapt to her feet, she grasped the dagger at her hip and swivelled to face this new foe. The beast was crooked and withered, gruesome looking with big fangs and a hairy face. In fact it looked surprisingly like Chewy from Star Wars. Jasmine slashed at the creature, slitting its belly wide open. The monster screeched with pain and collapsed.... Right on top of Lief as he slept. Lief shot up, but as opposed to screaming he reached up and stroked the animals pelt. His body filled with unmistakable warmth, and this time it was not urine.
Before their eyes, the creature's skin began to glow with a myriad of colours. Gold, Red, Blue, Green, Purple... and so on yada yada author can't be stuffed to work out other colours
Jasmine yelped "THE BELT! The colours represent the belt!" Without hesitation she reached inside the animal's corpse and pulled out the bloodied belt. The Shadow Lord had planted it inside the monster, but to what purpose?
Lief fingered the belt, touching each of its stones. Now that the belt had been returned to him, he seemed slightly less pathetic and repugnant than usual. He turned it over in his hands and was shocked with what he saw. The words 'Pandora's Chest' had been engraved on the other side of the belt.
"What...? Why...?" Barda muttered as he viewed the belt over Lief's shoulder. "Who would do such a thing?"
"Mayhap it was not the Shadow Lord who took the belt after all... Do you think someone might be trying to warn us?"
"Wow, so the title actually did have some relevancy to the story after all..." Barda exclaimed. "So does that mean the author has lied in the title?"
"Nah..." Lief sighed "She probably just didn't think far enough ahead..."
"OR... she was using her intelligence to weed out all the people who would have possible interest by fooling the others with a purely nonsensical and seemingly useless title. This would create a distinction between those who are open-minded and those who are not!" Jasmine stated.
There was a large pause. It was in this time a tumbleweed rolled across the stage. (Good. Right on queue)
"Nah." Barda stated. "I just don't think she anticipated this story really going anywhere. It's a parody let's not forget."
All three nodded in silent agreement.
"But wait, didn't Lief say that the belt would be under a big C? And Jasmine didn't you know where it could be found? Why did you not tell us of the monster sooner?"
Lief laughed. "But I was right!" Lief stood to heft the monster's corpse face up.
"Oh dear Christ!" Barda yelled. "IT IS CHEWY FROM STAR WARS!"
"You mean to say we have killed a cult figurehead?" Jasmine queried. "Doesn't that leave us in deep shit?"
"Yes and no. Yes in the sense that most Star Wars fans will want us dead, and No, because we have satisfied the reader with the idea of Chewy being the big C." Lief added.
Author's note : Under a big C, get it? Well technically it was inside Chewy, but C could also have represented the cranium or another such bodily organ above where the belt was located so BLEH! sticks out tongue.
Barda read the above narration. "There was no need for the tongue thing...."
Author's note in regards to other note : Beg your pardon.
Jasmine then smiled. "I suppose I was wrong in where I thought the belt was hidden."
"Where did you think it was?" Barda asked.
"Underneath Charlie's Chocolate Bar. What else was I to think? Oh Barda, I mentioned earlier, that 'lucky charm of yours is what has been telling the Shadow Lord where we are, go chuck it into the stream. Then we will continue our journey."
"No! I can't get rid of it! I paid a good 200 silver pieces for it!"
Lief perked up "How much is that Australian?"
".. hmm.. divide that by... a further deduction of... that leaves..." Barda pulled out his pocket calculator "22 cents..."
Jasmine then said "Can I take a look at it?"
"Sure." Barda handed the charm to Jasmine. Not even glancing at it she threw it into the stream. Barda looked exceedingly forlorn.
Lief shook his head "Man, I can't believe you fell for that... I may have a bladder disorder, but at least I have my dignity."
And with that, Lief promptly soiled himself.
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