FicWad

I went into the bathroom and collapsed against the door as I shut it tightly. I instinctively reached up and flicked the lock button. Just in time too… Someone was trying to twist open the doorknob.

“Elle open the fucking door.” I hear Gerard say. His voice was slightly muffled but the anger was evident in his voice. I shut my eyes and leant the back of my head against the door as I sat down on the cold tiles and didn’t answer him. I wasn’t crying surprisingly enough… I was just…numb. “Elle!” He says louder and there was a pounding on the door. It shook a little and since I was leaning on it, I felt it shockwave throughout my body. I gasped a little as I opened my eyes.

“Elle baby please don’t do this.” He says a little softer and I stared down at my now empty finger. My heart aching in pain. How did things go so wrong so fast?

‘oh Gerard! How could you?’I sighed softly to myself.

“Fuck Elle-.” I hear him say his voice now filled with desperation and a hollow thud, like he was leaning against the door… “I had to do it.” He says to me through the door. I don’t think he heard my question. I think he was just…begging...Trying to get me to understand something that I never will. “Don’t you see I had to...” He says a little firmer and I frowned and bit my lip. It was taking all my will power not to answer him. He didn’t have to… He didn’t fucking have to… He knew it was gonna kill me and he did it anyway…

All of a sudden I hear Lia's voice so loud that I actually winced a little. “What the fuck is wrong with you asshole!” She screeches at him.

“Shut the fuck up Lia.” Gerard yells back at her and I roll my eyes a little. They were at it again.

“Just get out of here Gerard okay.” I hear Lia say and I can feel myself trembling a little at the thought of him leaving. At the thought of him not being in my life…

“Fuck you.” He tells her and I can hear them continued to bicker outside the bathroom door… Then the sounds of more voices and footsteps…

Then there were a lot more muffled sounds… Sounded like Ray was saying something. I couldn’t really make out what… Then it got kinda quiet.

“You sure she's in there its awfully quiet.” I hear Ray say and then there was a knock on the door. “Elle?” Ray calls out and I don’t answer him. Then I hear Lia mumbling something about the shaving razor and there was a loud pounding on the door. So hard the room shook.

“Elle you got two seconds to open the door or I'm gonna break it down!” Gerard yells out. His voice filled with a mix of fear and anger. He pounded again and mumbled some kind of obscenities as he pounded on the door again…Fuck. He was serious. I sighed and reached up and twisted the knob slowly and cracked the door open less then an inch. I was sitting on the floor still with my legs braced against the sink. I felt the resistance on the door as he tried to push it open, but I pushed back.

“I'm fine- now all of you go home.” I say pressing the door back closed quickly and locking it again. It was silent for a moment. I think my calm demeanor had them all thrown off… And really I couldn’t blame them. I mean I'm usually so emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat and here I am appearing calm and collected…They didn’t know I was just to far gone to react…

“Michelle open the door.” I hear Gerard's voice say and I could feel him… I could feel him right on the other side of the flimsy wooden door. ”Don’t disappear from me babe.” I hear him say softly… He was so close it was killing me…I shook my head no.

‘I cant do this. I just cant do this.’ I said to myself closing my eyes again. Trying to steady the thoughts in my head… I had never felt so alone. So…unworthy. Maybe its better I'm alone. Maybe that’s my destiny to walk this earth alone…

Then the muffled sounds of arguing again filled the hallway…

Finally Bobs voice and a soft knocking on the door…

“Elle can I come in?” He says and I sigh and don’t answer. “Honey please.” He repeats knocking again.

“I just want everyone to leave.” I say loudly my voice echoing against the tiles.

“Let me just come in and check on you, make sure that you're fine and then we’ll all leave okay? We're just worried about you” Bob says and I hesitantly reach for the knob again. I shift my weight off the door and open it a little so Bob could step in, and when he does I quickly lean back, shutting it behind him.

“See I'm fine.” I say from the floor without looking up at him. “I'm not dead. I'm fine. Now you can all leave.” I say and he kneels down in front of me.

“Honey.” He says trying to reach for me but I tensed up.

“I just.” I hiss a little at him unintentionally. “I want to be alone.” I say shutting my eyes.

“Gerard wants to talk to you.” He says and I shrug. “Elle he only did it cause he had to.” Bob says and I'm suddenly finding it hard to swallow. There's a lump in my throat and it’s choking me…

“Bob stop.” I manage to say and I hear him sigh.

“You wont talk to him.” He says and I shake my head no.

“Not now.” I say so softly I was practically whispering.

“Later?” Bob asks softly and I open my eyes and look up at him.

“Maybe not ever.” I say under my breath and Bob frowns. “Make them go home Bob.” I say raising my voice up and he just looked at me gently like he was thinking about something. “Please.” I ask him and he nods as he gets up off the floor.

He walked out shutting the door behind him and I stood up and turned the water on and splashed some up on my face, it was ice cold but I didn’t care. I just wanted to feel something…anything… I could make out the sounds of muffled arguing in the hall… then footsteps…then more arguing… finally it was silent…

I cracked the door open a little and looked out into the now empty hallway. I dashed down the hall into my room and shut the door. With out a second thought I tore open my drawer and pulled a small bag of coke out. I dumped in on my dresser and inhaled it in seconds. The high went right to my head. I could feel it…That’s what I wanted… that’s what I needed…But it wasn’t enough…with coke its never enough…

There was a knock on the bedroom door. “Elle?” I hear Bobs voice say.

“I'm just getting changed.” I call out lying through my teeth. Actually I wasn’t lying. I was changing… Changing back into the druggie I once was…

“Oh all right.” He says and then I hear the doorbell ring. “Fuck.” He mutters and I hear him go down the hall open it. Frankies laughter suddenly fills the air and I shake my head a little. What the fuck was he doing here… I could faintly make out Mikey's voice too…

I hope Bob gets rid of them. I can’t deal with anymore shit today…

I suddenly remembered I had another bag tucked in my underwear drawer. A bigger bag. A better bag… I dug through it frantically breathing a sigh of relief as I pulled it out and dumped it out too on my dresser. I was almost done inhaling it when I heard a noise behind me.

“Elle! What the hell are you doing?!” I hear Bobs voice cry out and I lift my head from the dresser a little too quickly. Blood began dripping from nose. I just stood there. Letting it drip… “Fuck Elle!” He cries out as he came towards me. He was frowning… Frowning at the coke on the dresser… Frowning at my nose bleed… Frowning at me…”Twenty minutes to get dressed?!” He laughs a little in frustration. “I should’ve fucking known.” He mumbles grabbing my arm. 20 minutes? Is that what he said. I had totally lost track of time… Coke does that to me… That’s how I ended up staying at Brutus’s so long… Oh fuck… I think I'm gonna be sick… Why does my mind always betray me like that? Bringing me back to that moment at the worst possible times…

“I..don’t..” Is all I managed to say as Bob dragged me back in the bathroom. He grabbed a rag from the shelf and kinda wiped my face, but the blood wouldn’t stop… I mean it slowed down. It just wouldn’t stop.

“Here just hold this okay?” He says and I nod weakly as he forces my hand up onto the rag he had covering my nose. “Come on.” He says grabbing my arm and pulling me slightly. He kinda dragged me a little. The next thing I know we’re heading into the kitchen. As we go in I see Mikey's there… Frankie too…

“What the hell?” Mikey says widening his eyes at the bloody rag in my hand as Bob dragged me into the room.

“Sit down I'm gonna make you some coffee.” Bob says forcing me into a seat.

“You all right Elle?” Frankie asks but I don’t answer him I just lay my head down on the table and shut my eyes.

“She's uh…” I hear Bob say and I guess he made some kinda hand gesture cause Mikey cries out “What?” Kinda loudly.

“I thought you weren’t gonna do that anymore Elle?” He says and I lift my head slightly off the table.

“What the fuck are you doing here anyway huh?” I say a little annoyed.

“We were supposed to meet Gerard.” Mikey says a little hurt.

“Well Gerard ain’t here and he ain’t coming back.” I snap at him.

“Fuck you're a mean drunk.” Frankie laughs.

“She’s not drunk.” Mikey tells him frowning at me. “She's high.” He says and I shrug.

“SO?” I demand.

“So you guys are gonna work this out.” Mikey says and I shook my head a little. I guess Bob had told them what happened while I was getting ‘changed’.

“There’s nothing to work out Mikey.” I tell him and he frowns.

“Maybe tomorrow when you have a clearer head.” Mikey starts to say and I laugh.

“I'm tired of living for tomorrow. I'm gonna live in the now.” I tell him and he just looked at me a little unsteadily.

“You guys want me to call Ray and see if he could come back to get you?” Bob asks and Mikey makes a face. “You know bring you home?” Bob adds.

“You're not leaving?” Mikey asks and Bob shakes his head no as he poured me a cup of coffee. “You're staying the night with her?!” Mikey says with a strange tone to his voice.

“Uh yeah.” Bob shrugs and Mikey shook his head a little.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Mikey says and I wrinkle my face at him.

“Why not?” I say rather loudly.

“Just cause Elle.” Mikey says and he looks over at Bob. “Think about it man…think hard.” He tells him as Bob puts the coffee cup down in front of me. It was silent for a moment. The only sound was the clinking of the spoon against the cup as I stirred the sugar in…

“Look Mikey, someones gotta stay here with her.” Bob finally says.

“I will.” Frankie cries out and we all look over at him. “I’ll stay.” He says nodding. “My mom already thinks I'm staying at Mikey's so I’ll just stay here instead.” He shrugs. Bob kinda frowns. Mikey smiled smugly and shrugged.

“You okay with this Elle?” Bob says looking over at me and I made a face.

“No I'm not! I don’t understand why anybody has to stay!” I protest and Bob smiled.

“Someone's staying Elle.” Bob tells me.

“And I'm someone!” Frankie says proudly.

“Yeah you're the shit Frankie!” Mikey cries out laughing somewhat.

“Well that’s what your mom said last night!” Frankie laughs and I roll my eyes… This was gonna be a long night…