FicWad

I stood by the window watching Bobs car pull out with him and Mikey inside and the strangest feeling came over me… I didn’t want Bob to leave. I mean I did… I wanted to be alone, but I didn’t…

It was probably better that he left. I mean it seems like this curse I have hanging above my head is just getting worse. Anyone who I’ve ever cared about is just ripped away from me in the worst possible way… My mom… my papa… and now Gerard… Next will be Bob. Its only logical… One day he's gonna find some girl. Some girl that makes his heart flutter like mine does for Gerard. And he's gonna give his heart to her and forget all about me… All about our friendship…

Ah it’s probably for the best. All I do is cause pain and heart ache for everyone around me…

“Elle now’s probably as good a time as any to tell you-“ Frankies voice says snapping me out of my thoughts.

“Huh?” I say a little confused as I stepped back from the empty window.

“Well I was just saying I should probably tell you that I sleep in the nude.” He says winking at me and I cant help but smile at him.

“Yeah me too Frankie!” I kinda laugh.

“Well then lets go to bed.” Frankie laughs as he wraps his arm around my shoulder winking at me. God he's such a fucking moron sometimes. “Come on.” He nudges me a little towards the hallway.

“Frankie really.” I sigh a little and his expression dropped a little. “I just wanna be alone you know?” I say and he nodded. He understood. I mean Frankie kids around a lot but he wasn’t stupid. There was more to him than meets the eye.

“Yeah I get it.” He says hugging me tightly in his arms. “Just uh… no more drugs okay?” He says and I nod as he let me go.

“Sure Frankie… no more.” I tell him and he nods as I went down the hallway to my room and he went towards the living room. To watch TV I guess… I didn’t really know… I didn’t really care…

I didn’t care about anything anymore. With out Gerard nothing seemed to matter… Why even bother? I mean obviously a promise isn’t worth shit… He’ll never hurt me? I mean that what he said… That’s what he promised me… So I guess if his word means nothing then neither does mine I thought to myself as I dug through my shoe boxes…

This was the last bag I had… in my room that was… I cut it up quickly and inhaled two lines with out giving it a second thought…

The rush went straight to my head. I mean it hit me so hard I actually stumbled a little backwards. I reached up and scrunched my face a little and grabbed the bridge of my nose.

“Fuck!!” I cried out wincing a little.

“You could say that again.” I hear Frankie say and I glance over and he's in the doorway. “What the hell are you doing Elle?” He says a little disappointedly as he stepped in to the room.

“Just get out of here Frankie.” I say rubbing my eyes. He frowned and walked over to the dresser and leant over the coke that was cut up on it.

At first I thought he was gonna do the lines. I mean the way he hunched over them like that. But instead he took a deep breath and blew roughly at it. Blew the fucking powder right off the dresser and onto the floor.

“What the fuck!” I cry out outraged. He fucking wasted my coke!

“I'm sorry Elle- its for your own good.” He says wiping what was left off the dresser onto the floor too.

“I am so sick of people saying that!” I scream at him and he shrugged. He fucking shrugged!

“You need to relax.” He says cocking his head to the side a little as he looked at me.

“I NEED everyone to leave me the fuck alone!” I say harshly and he frowned.

“Elle don’t do this to yourself okay.” He says lowering his voice down as he looked at the floor.

“What?” I hiss at him.

“This.” He says waving his hands around the room. “Don’t do this… please.” He says begging me almost and it threw me off… I just looked at him not sure of what to say. “Elle you're better than this.” He says and I shake my head a little.

“Frankie you don’t know anything about me.” I say looking up at the ceiling and biting my lip a little.

“That’s not true.” He says and I swing my eyes back onto his. “I know you're better then this. I know that tomorrow when you work all this out with Gerard-“ He tries to say and I laugh.

“That’s not gonna happen Frankie!” I tell him and he raises his eyebrows up.

“He really loves you Elle.” He says and I laugh again in frustration.

“Nice way of showing it.” I smirk.

“He had to do it.” Frankie says and I shake my head no. “Look Elle, sometimes people have to things that you may not understand, or you may not like, but it’s in your best interest.” He says and I roll my eyes a little. I cant believe Frankie’s standing here- lecturing me! Its usually the other way around…

“Frankie please.” I sigh.

“No I'm serious.” He carries on. “You may not see it now but you will.” He says and I shake my head no. “Elle if there was something in that bear that could’ve hurt you and he didn’t stop it he’d never forgive himself.” Frankie says and I make a face.

“You're not even making sense anymore.” I tell him a little annoyed.

“No I am you're just too fucked up to understand it.” He says and I laugh.

“You're saying he hurt me to protect me from being hurt!” I say and Frankie nods. “That’s bullshit Frankie…I swear I never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.” I mumble.

“How bout throwing away a relationship over a stuffed animal?” He says and I frown.

“Its not just about the bear Frankie.” I tell him and he shrugs.

“Then what's it about huh?” He says and I look down… He was right in a way but I couldn’t admit it… It was about me… About me being a fuck up all the time…About me not being good enough… About me not being smart enough… Now matter how much I try I'm just never enough…

“Its about nothing.” I tell him annoyed again. “Just get out of my room okay.” I say and he frowns.

“Go to bed Elle okay.” He says pulling me towards it. “We have school tomorrow.” He says and I laugh sharply. Does he think I'm going to school? It was almost like he read my mind cause as he pushed me down, fully dressed still, into the bed he laughed. “You are going to school.” He says as he reaches for the light.

Suddenly blackness filled the room and I freaked.

“Wait!” I cry out frantically grabbing for him in the dark. I somehow managed to find his arm and latched onto it for dear life.

“What?” He says a little startled.

“Its too dark… I…” I said my voice shaking a little…Fuck my whole body was shaking.

“Its okay.” He says with a strange tone to his voice…Understanding almost… It was weird. I mean I thought Frankie would’ve been all over that. I mean finding out that I really am truly afraid of the dark but he wasn’t… He was surprisingly…compassionate…

“Just stay with me.” I say softly as I tug on his arm.

“Okay here wait.” He says reaching for the lamp and turning it back on. “That better?” He says and I shake my head no.

“It’s too bright I can sleep like that.” I say and Frankie frowns a little. He spots my nightlight and reaches to put it on. “Its burnt out.” I tell him and he checks anyway.

“Fuck.” He grumbles and he picks up a shirt off the floor and tosses it over the lamp shade. Making soft shadows in the room. “How bout that?” He says and I shrug.

“You're gonna start a fire.” I say and he smiles.

“I’ll take it off after you fall asleep.” He says pushing me back down onto the bed. And then he takes a step backwards like he's gonna leave.

“Don’t leave.” I hear myself calling out to him. He turned back a little surprised… “Just... I don’t want to be alone.” I start to sniffle…Everything that had happened was just now sinking in… “I'm afraid.” I tell him as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

“But it’s not dark anymore.” He says reassuringly.

“Not of the dark.” I say as I start to sob softly, my emotions finally surfacing…

“Of what?” He says softly reaching over and stroking my back.

“Of everything.” I say and he sighs a little. “Of being all alone.” I sniffle as he lays down on the bed next to me. I curled up next to him and he wrapped his arm around me.

“You're not alone Elle.” He says as I cry softly.

“Fuck Frankie what did I do?” I say my heart clenching up tightly as I remembered… “You didn’t see the look on Gerard's face when I tossed his ring back at him… He's never gonna forgive me for that.” I muttered softly not so much to Frankie but to myself.

“Its gonna be all right Elle.” Frankie says and I shake my head a little at him.

“No I'm a fuck up.” I say and Frankie kinda smiles.

“You are not!” He says and I pout my lip out and look up at him.

“I am… I'm the stupidest girl on the face of the earth.” I say and he smiles. “Don’t smile its true!” I tell him and he laughs. “I'm stupid and heartless and selfish and Gerard's never gonna come back to me.” I sob into his chest.

“Elle.” Frankie sighs in disagreement.

“No,Gerard's never gonna take me back.” I sigh as he tried to comfort me. Fuck. Gerard's never gonna give me his ring again… Not after the way I threw it back at him…

“Sure he is.” Frankie yawns.

“Why would he even want me? I'm just totally unlovable.” I say sniffling again. My bottom lip trembling slightly…

“Aw..don’t do that!” He laughs as he reaches over and steadies my bottom lip with his thumb.

“But it’s the truth!” I cry out, my whole body trembling now...

“No it’s not!” He laughs as I sit up leaning over him slightly. He reached over and wiped the tears that were left in my eyes away. “Elle you are smart okay?” He says and I make a face. “And you are caring and loving…” He says stroking the side of my face and I look down a little ashamed. The things he was saying were simply not true… “And you're beautiful.” He says and I look up and my eyes lock on his… He was looking deep into my eyes. Fuck I think he really did mean it… “Don’t be so hard on yourself okay?” He says and the strangest feeling came over me…

“You really mean that?” I say and he nodded in the faint light. “You think I'm all those things?” I say and he nodded again…

And then the strangest feeling came over me. It was a need... A need to be loved. I had never felt anything so desperately before... And I found myself leaning over towards Frankie…to kiss him…

I don’t know why… I don’t know what possessed me… I just wanted to be wanted. Wanted to be loved. I leant towards him. My lips inches from his and he stopped me. He put his hand up and grabbed my shoulder and kinda pushed me back slightly stopping me seconds before our lips touched.

“Elle!” He gasped softy in surprise. Maybe it was from all the coke I just did on an empty stomach… Maybe it was just cause I was so emotionally drained and not thinking clearly… I'm not sure why, but I found myself unwilling to give up.

“Come on Frankie.” I purr at him as I climbed up on top of him in bed. I was straddling him. Leaning forward towards him. I ran my hand up his shirt and I could feel the goosebumps on his skin…

“Whoa!” He gasps again as I reach my hand up and graze it against his nipple. “Wait Elle.” He cries out and he shifts a little under me trying to get me off him. Which probably wasn’t the best thing for him to do. I mean as he wriggled I grinded my body against his harder. “Aw fuck!” He cries out as I tried to bite down on his neck.

“Mmm-hmm fuck.” I say and he reaches his arm up and blocks me.

“Elle stop!” He says rather loudly as he pushed me back. Forcing me to sit upright on him. I just looked at him like what the hell!

“Come on Frankie.” I say staring down at him underneath me. He widened his eyes a little at me in disbelief. “You always say how you want to fuck me!” I tell him and he swallowed a little nervously. “So come on fuck me. Make me forget.” I say and before he could answer me I grab the bottom of my shirt and lift it up over my head.

I swear Frankie’s eyes nearly fell out of his head at the sight of me now topless on top of him.

“Elle!” He gasps as he stared at me for a second.

“Unless you didn’t mean it hmm?” I tease him as I lean back forward onto him. I lifted his shirt up and pressed my bare chest against his. “Tell me you don’t want me.” I say as I ran my hand down his stomach and tugged at the button on his now swollen jeans.

“Shit! Stop it!” He says lifting my hand off him.

“So you didn’t mean it.” I say a little hurt. “What you said was all lies?” I say getting upset again.

“It wasn’t lies.” He says and I frown at him. He made a face at me slightly and it was at that point that I notice he was clenching his hands into fists a little and holding them up in the air. It was like he wanted to push me off him, or maybe he wanted to hug me and comfort me… I don’t know which… But which ever it was he wouldn’t do it…It was like he didn’t want to touch me…

“So you do want me.” I say more like a statement then a question as I lifted myself body up off him slightly and stretched to try to reach his lips again with mine, as I slid my hand up along his side.

“Elle don’t do this.” He grumbles turning his face to the side, avoiding my kiss and I shrug and begin biting on his exposed neck. “You don’t want to do this.” He says reaching up and carefully grabbing my arm and trying to tug me down.

“Yes I do.” I moan.

“You're too fucked up.” He says and I desperately reach for his crotch again… Fuck Frankie's thinking to much, which wouldn’t be a problem except he's thinking with the wrong head…

“Is this cause of Chrissy?” I say leaning back from him slightly.

“Chrissy!” He cries out like he totally forgot about her.

“Cause I promise you Frankie I could do things to you that she's never even dreamed of.” I say and he widens his eyes again like maybe he was considering it but quickly shook his head and the thought from his mind.

“Elle please this isn’t right.” He says grabbing my waist and lifting me off him. As soon as he had enough room he squeezed out from under me and jumped up out of my bed.

“Frankie!” I whined arching my back a little and his eyes widened again as I reached to unbutton my jeans.

“Elle stop!” He cries out picking the blanket up off the floor and tossing it over me. “Put your shirt back on.” He says desperately searching the floor for it.

“You don’t want me.” I pout as he finds it and tosses it to me. He kidna shifted his weight a little and tugged at his jeans, which weren’t fitting him so well at the moment, and didn’t answer me. “No one wants me.” I say sniffling softly.

“Elle come on.” He protests.

“No you don’t want me… Gerard doesn’t want me.” I say and he laughs.

“Gerard wants you Elle, believe me.” He says and I frown.

“Then where is he?” I say and Frankie makes a face. “He left Frankie…He doesn’t want me anymore.” I tell him.

“You told him to leave remember?” Frankie replies and I shrug. “You told him to leave and he did cause he loves you, cause you said you wanted to be alone remember?” Frankie says and I laugh. “He left cause you asked him to.” Frankie continues to try to explain to me but the whole thing was just ridiculous…

“I also asked him not to rip my bear.” I say and Frankie frowns.

“Elle just try to get some sleep okay.” Frankie says stepping towards the door.

“Where are you going?” I ask and he just looked at me like he couldn’t believe I said that. “Come on Frankie you can lay with me. I promise I wont attack you again.” I say sitting up in the bed.

“Elle put your shirt on.” He says looking up at the ceiling.

“Get in the bed.” I reply and he grins and turns towards the door.

“I’ll see you in the morning.” He chuckles as he walked out. I shut my eyes and laid there for a moment… I heard him walk down the hall and go into the bathroom… Then it sounded like he turned on the shower… I wonder if he knows where I keep the towels?… whatever. Its too late now. If I go in to try to bring him one he’ll probably have a heart attack!

Fuck I cant believe I just threw myself at Frankie Iero!… And he turned me down!! Ugh! I groaned a little disgusted with myself…With what I've become…With what I let the drugs make me…

I tossed a few times trying to get comfortable… I didn’t have the energy to put my shirt back on… But I didn’t really see the need too… I was warm enough under the blanket… Actually I was a little too warm… The whole room was hot… and it was getting hotter… Almost like there was a-

“FIRE!”