FicWad

“Mmm how much?” I hear myself say, which was weird cause I wasn’t even sure if I wanted it…

“Naw baby it’s on me, my cars out back, come on, lets go.” The guy kinda chuckled and I shook my head no. I mean I guess he thought like I don’t know; that I was gonna go off with him somewhere and get high and maybe fuck him? I don’t know. I just stared at him for a second. I mean that was no longer me…I mean honestly, before… Before Gerard, I would’ve went with him. But now… Now there was no way that that was gonna happen. I was pissed at Gerard, but I just wanted a few moments away from him. I didn’t wanna throw our whole relationship away…

“Naw that’s all right man, just forget it.” I tell the guy as I try to step around him once more, but he wouldn’t let me pass.

“Aw come on now baby.” He tries to entice me flashing it once again…

“Uh sorry…No, I…” I tell him and he shrugged a little but still didn’t move out of my way. I kinda glanced around nervously. I mean was he just gonna stand there forever or what? I didn’t see Gerard anywhere, or Brian, or even Mr. S… I mean I couldn’t really see anything cause it was so dark and there were so many people. The only person I could kinda make out was Jimmy behind the bar still. I guess this guy saw me looking for some kinda help and got a little nervous that I was gonna make a scene or something and honestly I was going to, if he didn’t move…

“Naw that’s cool, you wanna party alone, I get it, that’s cool.” He says quickly stepping out of the doorway and gesturing with his hand like I was free to go… I kinda exhaled a little relieved as I took a step forward. “Fifty bucks and its all yours.” He says as I started to go through the doorway and I paused.

“Fifty bucks for that?” I said a little outraged. I mean he was out of his fucking mind. That bag was nowhere near being worth fifty bucks!

“Yeah 50.” He replies and I laughed a little like he was crazy. “All right then 40, what do you say?” The guy laughs and I tried not to laugh too. But I couldn’t help it. Whenever someone laughs it makes me laugh....

“I say like 35.” I tell him smiling myself now.

“How bout 30 and you give me your phone number too?” He says leaning flirtatiously towards me once again.

“Oh shit.” I mumbled to myself not really sure what to say back. I mean I guess he took my smile and my laugh like I was flirting back with him but I really wasn’t… I mean I didn’t mean to make it look like that, I just couldn’t help it, whenever someone laughs I laugh too.

“So? What do you say… Elle?” He says once more leaning a little closer and I stepped nervously back once more.

“Uh what do I say?” I repeat back, but before I could even finish my sentence I felt someone grab my arm and I gasped a little startled by it. -Fuck. It was only Gerard… He seemed like really upset though…

“She says no.” He tells the guy roughly and in one swift motion he swung the door open and kinda flung me outside into the cold night air.

“Gerard stop!” I cried out as he kinda dragged me across the parking lot towards my truck. “Just stop you're hurting me!” I yelled out loudly and he quickly dropped my arm and just looked at me a little apologetically… I mean he wasn’t really hurting me. I just said it so he’d let me go. And I think he kinda knew it too cause he was giving me an untrusting look.

“What the hell were you doing Elle!?” He says and I shrugged a little.

“I wasn’t doing nothing.” I tell him truthfully and he looked at me like he didn’t believe me.

“You were leaving.” He tells me accusingly and I shook my head no.

“No I was just coming outside for some air, I wasn’t leaving.” I say defensively. I mean did he think I was leaving with out him… that I was leaving with that guy no less?!

“Elle.” He starts to say but I waved my hand at him to be quiet.

“I just wanted to be alone okay?” I tell him roughly and he just looked at me and didn’t say anything. “And what the fuck are you doing out here anyway?” I start to yell at him my anger building once more. “Fuck! I thought you weren’t gonna ‘follow’ me? Huh?” I challenge him. I mean I didn’t need him ‘rescuing’ me. I can handle things myself… I just needed some time to be alone. To clear my head a little… “Well?” I demand when he doesn’t answer me.

“I lied.” He says softly looking down at the floor as he scuffed his boot against the pavement. I couldn’t help but smile at him when he looked back up at me... He was just to cute when he gets like this…Like a bossy little two year who pouts when he doesn’t get his way. I guess he took my smile to mean like we were okay cause he kinda grabbed me around the waist and pulled me against him and I moaned in resistance.

“Just leave me alone. I wanna be alone.” I whined trying to pull away from him but he was too strong. He was holding me too tightly against him and I couldn’t get away.

“I can’t do that Elle.” He tells me as I tried to wriggle out of his grip.

“Well why the hell not!?” I demand and I could still that guy by the doorway. He had come outside too and he was looking over at us as he smoked his cigarette…

“Why the hell not? Cause I love you, that’s why the hell not.” I hear Gerard say and I quickly turn my attention back on to him. There was something about his tone… Like the way he said it… Like he was annoyed to have to say it cause it was so obvious. Like I should’ve known that he didn’t have to justify any of his actions, cause he loves me. Cause its was all out of love and I should know that by now…

“I just want to be alone.” I tell him once more and he shakes his head no.

“No Elle. I know what happens when you're alone and I'm not gonna let that happen.” He says and I kinda just stood there. Staring at him. I was totally frozen for a second... His words had just hit me so hard.

Usually when things get too tough I just push everyone away and numb myself in a mess of powder or pills or whatever I could find…But he wasn’t gonna let me do it this time…

Cause he really does love me…and I know I love him just as much back. And honestly, I don’t even know why I'm so upset with him, why I'm pushing him away… I just don’t seem to know anything anymore… There was just too much that had happened way too quickly and I didn’t want to deal with any of it…

I mean that’s why I went to sleep on the ride home from the city. Cause I didn’t want to talk about what happened and I know Gerard did… And that’s why I dragged him to the mall and now to the club… Like I felt like if I kept everything moving like it would just go away but it didn’t…

All those feelings that were swirling in my head, I couldn’t deal with them anymore … I mean I found my dad. My fucking father! I found him… Finally! I had dreamed of that moment for so long and now that it’s here I just can’t deal with it…

The whole thing had made me so much more bitter then I could’ve ever imagined… And Gerard's tried to warn me about it. Fuck so many times he's tried to warn me. Be careful what you wish for you know? But I never listened. I was so sure finding my dad was gonna bring a sense of completion to my life. But all its done is cause me more pain…

I mean I got my wish. I mean I had a father! A father who obviously knew about me and didn’t want anything to do with me… And everybody’s known about it. That was the worst part! Everyone's been lying about it… Lying to me all these years, and that hurt… It was a betrayal I never in my life expected…and I couldn’t deal with it.

I was just so angry… I was angry at everything and at everyone who’s ever lied to me. I was angry at my life, at what a mess it’s become… At just how unfair everything seemed to be… How could I have been so stupid and not have listened to Gerard's warnings all those times? Fuck….

But mostly I was angry with myself for letting it all end up this way and I was just taking it all out on my poor Gerard and I didn’t mean to… It wasn’t his fault…. None of it was his fault… And he's been nothing but supportive, not once has he told me ‘I told you so’ not about my dad not about Mr. Samuel, not about Paul, not about anything…not ever.

“Gerard, I’m sorry…” I started to sob. “I really don’t want to be alone.” I tell him and he pulled me closer in his arms…. I hated being alone and he knew that…hell, everyone knew that.

“Shh its all right Elle, I know.” He tries to comfort me.

“I just… I wanna go home.” I tell him and he pulled back from me slightly like he was unsure what to say to that…It took me a second to realize why…”Aw fuck.” I sniffled and he kinda patted at his pockets like he was looking for a tissue or something to give me… Which was just ridiculous. I mean he doesn’t carry tissues. But with me around he probably should…

“I don’t have…” He says shaking his head a little unable to find anything to give me.

“s’okay.” I sighed a little looking down at the floor, my tears were practically all gone now anyway… “You know my mom always use to carry tissues.” I say to him and he sorta smiled at me. “I wish she was here Gerard.” I say without thinking and before I even finished my sentence I felt the tears pouring down my face once more.

“Aw honey I know you do.” He says as I buried my face into his chest and he wrapped his arms back around me and was just letting me cry… I mean he would’ve let me cry forever if I wanted too…

“Gerard, I can’t … I can’t do this.” I tell him pulling back from him. I mean we were in the middle of the parking lot still. People were walking by, not really paying much mind, but I knew Mr. Samuel was inside… And I couldn't stomach seeing him. The last thing I wanted was for him to come out and see me crying. I hated him… I hated him for lying to me about not knowing my dad. I hated him for touching me. I hated him for being with Lia. I think if he came out and started ‘preaching’ to me, I end up stabbing him with Slim’s knife…

“Elle you okay?” Gerard says I guess picking up on my sudden mood swing…

“I can’t stay here any longer, Gerard please…I think I'm fucking losing it.” I tell him pleadingly and he nodded a little as he pulled back from me.

“Then we’ll go…back to my house okay?” He says softly and I nodded to weak to argue. I mean I kinda wanted to go there. I felt safe there, although I was too proud to ever admit that to him.

“Yeah that’s fine, let’s just go.” I tell him and he smiled at me, like he was so very pleased with my answer…He squeezed my hand slightly and I just suddenly became overwhelmed with this horrible feeling… I just felt so undeserving of him. And I had this vision flash through my mind... Like as I looked up into his eyes, his eyes that were filled with such love… I knew I was gonna destroy him one day…

I mean that’s what I do… I cause misery and pain for everyone around me… And I couldn’t bear the thought of bringing him down with me…I just wanted to drown myself in my misery and my despair and he wouldn’t let me do it alone…He was gonna stay with me cause he loved me too fucking much… He wasn’t gonna let me go. And it wasn’t fair for me to bring him down with me…

“No you know what?” I said my mood suddenly flipping once again. “Gerard you need to get away from me while you still can.” I tell him pulling back from him and he looked at me a little amused.

“What?” He sorta smiled at me.

”I'm serious you need to go.” I tell him taking a step backwards. His amused look suddenly turned into a confused one… “I'm fucking toxic Gerard. Don’t you see it?” I tell him and he grinned a little. I mean I know he knew I was just all over the fucking place, but it was like he didn’t know what to do, or what to say anymore…

“I'm not going anywhere Elle.” He says stepping back towards me. “toxic?” he chuckled a little under his breath and I frowned at him.

‘I'm serious.” I tell him

“I am too Elle, I'm not leaving you baby. I'm just not.” He says firmly pulling me back against him and I was just too weak to argue. I let him hold me close to him for a few moments…it felt so good being in his arms. It was so good that it felt almost wrong… He had so much to give and I had so much of a need to fill… But what happens when he gives all he can? …will it be enough? …will I leave him a broken man?

I sadly leant my head against his chest and I shut my eyes and listened to his heart beat slowly a few times…“Please Gerard don’t let me be the reason.” I begged him softly.

“But you are.” He says and I pull my head back slightly confused. “You hear that Elle?” He whispers as he pressed my head back up against him.

“Hmm?” I reply looking up at him.

“My heart… it beats for you.” He says and I feel my eyes tearing up as he reached his hand up and gently stroked my cheek with his thumb.

And I couldn’t help but wonder what my life would be like if his heart ever stopped beating…