FicWad

I just stood there feeling like the most undeserving person in the world and I guess it showed on my face… I sighed a little not sure of what to say to let him know how sorry I was for trying to push him away. I wanted to tell him how much I needed him, how happy I was to have him. I wanted to tell him so much but I couldn’t find the words…

“Gerard.” Was all I managed to say…

“Its all right. Don’t say anything.” He tells me like he knew and he faintly smiled at me as he leant forward and kissed my lips softly. “Come on Elle, let’s get out of here okay?” He says softly as he opens up the passenger side door and I nodded and climbed in. But he didn’t shut the door, he just kinda stood there looking at me for a second. “You gonna be okay baby?” He asks and I shrugged.

“I dunno.” I told him truthfully as I tossed my purse on to the floor. It landed on its side and all this crap came spilling out but I didn’t even care…“aw -figures.” I mumbled under my breath. I mean it was just another thing to add to my why life sucks list…

“What the hell is that?” I hear Gerard say and I kinda follow his line of sight down to the knife Slim gave me, which was now lying on the floor among some other crap that had spilled out.

“Oh that’s a knife.” I say leaning over and snatching it up off the floor before he did… I mean he was reaching for it too, but I was quicker… “See?” I say as I flick the side button thingy like Slim showed me. The blade came like flying out and Gerard jumped back a little.

“Elle!” He gasped a little startled I guess cause the blade snaps out so quickly. And it kinda made like a pop sound too… I thought it was it cute, but he didn’t seem to agree…

“What?” I reply. “Its cute right?” I ask and he just kinda widened his eyes at me like I should know what he's gonna say about me having a knife. “Oh, no Gerard it’s okay, Slim showed me how to use it -see?” I tell him waving it slightly and he ducked back from me as I swung it.

“Whoa, whoa Elle...” He says and he reached over and grabbed my wrist tightly and kinda twisted it so the knife tip was no longer pointing at him. Instead it was pointing at the floor now. “No Elle. No.” He tells me and I frowned.

“Am I doing it wrong?” I asked and once again he gave me that strange look…

“Slim gave this to you?” He asks me instead of answering me and I nodded but he didn’t say anything else… I mean I figured he should've…. I answered his fucking question so he should've answered mine…

“So I'm not doing it wrong?” I ask once again.

“Just…give it to me.” He says as he tries to take it from my hand.

“No!” I resist and he frowns. “Slim gave it to ME!” I pout as I tried to pull my arm back from him and he instantly let go. I guess he was afraid one of us was gonna get cut or something if we continued to fight over it.

“Elle.” He says gritting his teeth a little and I ignored him as I folded the blade back down. I shook my head no a little as I went to put it back in my purse and he just reached over and snatched it from me. I guess since it was folded now he wasn’t afraid to grab it from me.

“Gerard!” I yelled out as he pushed my legs inside and slammed the door roughly. I saw him slip it into his pocket and I was about to get out and demand it back from him but he circled around the front of the truck and hopped into the drivers’ side so quickly that I didn’t have too… “I want it back.” I tell him and he smirked a little. “I'm not kidding Gerard.” I tell him and he sighed a little.

“Elle it’s too dangerous.” He says and I shook my head no.

“No that was only cause I didn’t know how to use it but now I do.” I try to explain to him and he just looked at me. “Seriously Gerard.” I insist.

“We’ll talk about it later okay?” He says and I can feel my anger building up once again as I shook my head no.

“You keep saying that!” I cry out. “That we’ll talk about this later, we’ll talk about that later, but fuck! We never do! You just say that when you don’t wanna talk!” I tell him and I can feel myself getting all worked up and I couldn’t help it…

“Shh.” He tells me. “Elle take it easy.” He says softly and I sniffled a little. I was losing control of my emotions and the worst part was I couldn’t stop it… He reached over and stroked the top of my hand. It was trembling a little. I just couldn’t deal…

“I can’t do this Gerard.” I tell him and I grab my purse up off the floor and start digging through it.

“What are you doing?” He asks nervously. I think he might’ve thought I was getting out cause he reached over and grabbed my arm.

“Here.” I tell him forcing a few crumbled bills in his hand. “Go tell that guy I want it.” I tell him and he frowns. “Give him however the fuck much he wants I don’t care.” I say desperately and Gerard shakes his head no.

“No Elle, you don’t need it.” He says and I can feel myself starting to panic.

“I do!” I cried out and he just looked at me. “Fuck you. I’ll do it myself.” I tell him as I reach to grab the money back from him but he pulled his hand back to quickly.

“No Elle.” He says plainly and I just burst into a fit of tears…

“I do! You don’t understand!” I tell him clutching my face in my hands.

“Then tell me.” He says calmly. I mean I was fucking freaking out and he was just sitting there calm as can be… I know he was trying to help. But the fact that he was so calm was just winding me up more…

“You wouldn’t understand.” I tell him a little angrily.

“Then tell me.” He replies and I scoffed at him. “I'm serious Elle. Tell me.” He insists and I shook my head no a little. “If cant help you I’ll buy you the bag myself.” He says and I rolled my eyes a little.

“The guy will be gone Gerard.” I tell him nodding towards the doorway. The guy was just about done with his cigarette and it looked like he was about to leave…

“Elle you think he's the only motherfucker selling shit in there?” Gerard kinda laughed and I shrugged. I mean I suppose he was right…

“I don’t know.” I sighed a little and he reached over and pulled the handle on my seat causing it to recline sharply. “Gerard!” I gasped a little.

“Just shut your eyes baby.” He tells me taking my hand in his. “And tell me why you think you need that shit so badly.” He says and shift in my seat a little annoyed.

“I don’t think I need it. I KNOW I need it.” I tell him and I felt him tense up.

“Tell me why.” He says lowering his voice a little and I shrugged.

“Cause I cant deal with everything Gerard.” I try to explain to him and he just looked at me like he didn’t get it… “I found my father Gerard!” I cried out and he nodded.

“You said you were happy about that.” He reminds me.

“And I am… kinda.” I tell him and he sighed a little. “I mean I always thought there was something keeping him from me.” I tell Gerard and he nodded once more.

“He's in prison Elle.” He tells me and I shook my head a little frustratedly. He wasn’t getting it.

“That’s no excuse Gerard.” I tell him. “I mean he obviously didn’t want anything to do with me right?” I ask and Gerard just looked at me like he didn’t know what to say to that… “I mean everybody’s fucking lied about it too! You know how that makes me feel!” I cried out and he nodded a little. “I just never thought that…fuck…” I said my voice trailing off a little as I shut my eyes…

“It hurts Elle, I know.” I hear Gerard say and I sniffled back my tears… “That’s cause you're too trusting baby.” Gerard says and I shrugged.

“Maybe.” I sigh and he lets my hand go. I figured he was gonna start the truck up but he didn’t… He lit a cigarette up and he offered me one but I declined…

“So tell me what else.” He says and I just started pouring my heart out to him… All my fears came pouring out all at once…

I don’t know how long we sat there talking for… But I told him every last thing that was bothering me… And he told me things too… Things I never expected. Things I never would’ve asked…

Like he explained why he didn’t want me having a knife and it turns out it was the same reason I took his from him that day at Wills house… Cause he was worried about me getting hurt… He told me how upset he was when I went ‘missing’, how like he blamed himself. How like he blames himself for what happened with Mr. Samuel too… which was just completely ridiculous…

I don’t know… We talked for a long time and I still felt this hollowness inside me, but it didn’t hurt as much. I still wanted the drugs… I’d be lying it I said I didn’t… But I didn’t need them as badly. I told him that and he kinda smiled as he started the truck up.

“Its all right to feel that way.” He tells me and I nodded as I pulled the lever adjusting my seat back and I caught a glance of the clock.

“Holy fuck Gerard is that the time?” I ask him and he nodded. “Shit.” I mumbled. I mean it was almost 2 am! “Why the hell didn’t you say anything?” I tell him and he shrugged. “You let me talk all that time!”

“What can I say? I like the sound of your voice baby.” He teases me and I laughed. “I like your laugh even better.” He adds and I felt my cheeks blush and he smiled.

“You like making my cheeks blush too?” I tease him and he grinned widely at me. He opened his mouth like he was gonna say something back, but in a instant his expression just totally changed.

“Aw fuck no!” He says as he swung his door open viciously and jumped out.

"Gerard!" I cried out a little confused as I looked out the window to see what could have possibly gotten him so upset…

Ha. I should've known...