FicWad

“My ring?” I ask her cautiously and Gerard quickly let go of my hand and pulled out his math notebook. He began scribbling ferociously in it, keeping his head firmly down, like he wanted no part of the conversation…

“Yeah when t first saw it, I thought it was from Bob, you know since how like you guys are married..” She kinda laughed and I wrinkled my face at her. She was full of shit. She knew it was from Gerard. I told that- that day at the dance, when I waved it in her face in the bathroom… “But I asked him last night and he said no.” She kinda giggled and Gerard shifted slightly.

“Oh.” Is all I managed to say back to her. She asked Bob last night? what the fuck does that mean? I know they're suppose to be class ‘partners’ and shit, but she was making it sound like they were more then that… And I didn’t like it… Not one bit…

“I mean did you like lose it or something?” She says to me, gesturing once more towards my empty finger and Gerard kinda glanced up at me… I guess he was curious as to what I was gonna say…

“I um…” I stammered a little and my eyes locked on his for a second… And suddenly everything I felt in that moment when I threw it back at him came rushing back at me. Like a knife through my heart once again… And I guess he felt it too cause he quickly looked away… Fuck.

We never even talked about it…I mean everything had been happening so quickly. I didn't even know if he was going to give the ring back to me, or if he still even had it, or what… And he hasn’t mentioned it… not even once…

Fuck. Maybe he regrets giving it to me at all! I mean he did give it to me right after all that shit with Will happened… He probably realized that it was a mistake giving it me… That he wasn’t thinking clearly when he did it; and now I guess he figures he got lucky that I threw it back at him so he didn’t have to ask for it back… I mean now that he realizes what a mess I am he's never gonna give me his ring again… I can just feel it… Why would he want to be married to someone like me? A complete and total fuck up -that’s what I was… I was never gonna be a good wife or a mother that was for sure. I can’t even take care of myself and I bet he knows this now too…

Fuck. What the hell am I even doing with him then? Just passing the days by until he finds someone else? Someone better? Someone more worthy maybe? No… He wouldn’t do that to me… But why be together? I mean if we don't have a future then what’s the point of being together now?

I just had so many questions running through my mind and no answers for any of them… And Jessica was sitting there, just waiting for me to answer her as she shifted her eyes between me and Gerard… I mean she knew she hurt me. She knew she stirred up something painful between the two of us and she seemed to be pleased about it…

“You know what –it’s none of my business.” Jessica says after an awkward silence had passed and I shrugged but didn’t say anything back. I wanted to reach over and fucking choke the life out of her but I didn’t… I just pulled out my own math notebook and started thumbing through the pages. Trying to keep my mind occupied and she kinda leant back a little, smiling smugly to herself as she watched me…

“So you and Bob?” Gerard says to her and I winced at the sound of there names together…I don't know if he was trying to change the subject or if he really thought there was something going on between them…

“Oh we’re not dating Gee.” She says and I exhaled a little relieved… thank God! I’d kill him if he started dating her…

Then she started babbling on about him. Like how great Bobby was and how smart Bobby was and how cool Bobby was…like she's gonna tell me shit about him that I don't already know… And every time she said his name I kinda cringed… And she was fucking calling him ‘Bobby’ too no less! I mean what the fuck! That’s what I call him. And she knew that…she had to have fucking known that…That’s why she was doing it…

But yet I just sat there and kept my mouth shut…mostly cause of Gerard. I mean I didn’t know what he was thinking. And I didn’t want to say something and then end up getting into it with him… Especially not in front of her… But she just wouldn’t shut up. It was like she intentionally trying to set me off and I didn’t know why. I never did anything to her. I never even knew who she was until just recently…

Finally I had had enough. I just couldn’t take anymore of her mouth. Of her double-edged compliments and her not so subtle implications about me and Bob…I mean there was still like ten minutes left before the bell rang, but I just couldn’t put up with her anymore…

“I gotta use the phone.” I tell Gerard roughly standing up and before he could answer me I just got up and walked towards to the pay phones in the back… Gerard jumped up too and quickly followed me…

“Elle do not call Lia.” He says as I reached for the phone and honestly I wasn’t going to call her. I wasn’t going to call anybody. I just wanted to get away from Jessica and it was the first thing that popped into my mind…

“Did you call her?” I ask him and pressed his lips together tightly as he looked at me.

“No I called Brian cause I'm not speaking to her and neither are you.” He tells me and I just looked at him sadly.

“And what did Brian say?” I ask weakly afraid of his answer...

“She didn’t come back last night.” He says and I frowned.

“Yeah I figured.” I sighed a little and he stepped a little closer to me.

“She came back in the morning and packed her shit up.” He says a little hesitantly… Like he wasn’t sure if he should be telling me this or not…

“Why?” I gasped a little and he looked at me like I was kidding. “Well, where’s she gonna go?” I ask him and he kinda paused a second.

“If I had to guess- I’d say with John.” He tells me and I shake my head no and he sighed a little.

“No Gerard.” I say firmly and he nodded. “She wouldn’t do that.” I try to say but I don't know how I thought I was gonna convince him when I didn’t even believe it myself…

“Well she did.” He kinda snapped at me… He was still so very angry with her. I mean I was angry too for what she said, but at the same time I was also worried for her, getting involved with him like that…

‘Fuck, I should've been a better friend.’ I thought to myself as I looked down at the floor and I guess was thinking out loud again cause Gerard lifted my face back up to his.

“Don't say that.” He tells me softly and I shrugged. “This is not your fault Elle.” He says and I wanted to believe him so badly…

“But it’s always my fault.” I tell him and he frowned.

“Elle who the fuck told you that?” He says and I shrugged.

“I don't know…My grandfather?” I offered and he just looked at me for a second. “I mean I know you didn’t know him before his stroke but he use to always tell me I had to try like extra hard cause of who I was.” I said my voice shaking a little as the memories consumed me…

“Elle.” Gerard sighed a little but I just kept talking.

“I mean I never really understood that till now.” I say shutting my eyes slightly. “I mean obviously my father is a bad man Gerard. From what Mr. S said…” I sighed a little and Gerard cringed at Mr. Samuels name…

“I don't believe a fucking word that comes out of John Samuel's mouth.” Gerard says gritting his teeth a little.

“Yeah but my Papa said that since I didn’t have a father, like that that wasn’t my fault.” I tell him and he nodded like he agreed. “But that everything else was. Like every bad decision and every misstep I took in life- It was all on me.” I tell Gerard and he sorta looked at me like he didn’t believe me…

“Elle I don't think he meant it like that.” He says and I shook my head in disagreement.

“No he did Gerard. He was real big on self reliance and pride and fuck.” I stammered a little. “I just know he's so disappointed in me, in what I've become.” I say and I can feel my eyes tearing up and I hated it… I hated not being able to control my emotions.

Gerard reached over and squeezed my hand just as the bell rang… He absentmindedly ran his thumb along my finger where my ring use to be like he's done so many times before…I don't think he did it intentionally. It was like a habit. And I just froze up as I looked up into his eyes… He tensed up a little too, and I could see the hurt in his eyes mirroring my own…

”Look, we’ll talk about this later okay?” He says softly and I wasn’t sure if he meant the ring, or my grandfather, or what. But I nodded pathetically back at him…. I mean we really didn’t have any other choice but to talk later since class was over now. And I certainly couldn’t ask him to ditch so we could go somewhere to talk. I mean he's already missed so much school cause of me already…

"Okay." I tell him weakly and as I reached up to wipe the tears away from my eyes I saw Jessica looking over at us.

"Come on Elle." Gerard says pulling me back over towards the table and picking my bag up off the floor for me. Jessica had already gotten up from the table and she was heading out the door, but she kinda paused as she walked out... Kinda glancing over her shoulder and smirking at me… Like she was glad I was so upset or something and I don’t know what happened. It was like someone had flipped a switch inside me cause I just became instantly and completely overwhelmed…

“I don't think I can do this today Gerard.” I tell him desperately and he looked at me like it was killing him to see me this way, which just made me more anxious. I mean I was just driving him away with my anxieties… Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I just fucking hold it together for once!

“All right Elle look.” He says reaching into his pocket…. “I didn’t want to do this but…”

And I knew what he was gonna say... that we were over...that he had had enough...

“Oh God.” I said softly squeezing my eyes shut… this was the end. I just knew it…

“Here” He says holding out his hand to me and I almost died when I saw what was in it…

It was a small pink pill… Kinda like the one Jay gave me that day at the library… I just looked at it for a moment…

“Take it.” Gerard says kinda forcing it into my hand quickly so I guess no one would see it. I kinda hesitated a second but he nodded like it was okay… Like he wanted me to take it… I just looked at him a little untrustingly. I mean he wanted me to take it? He never wants me to take anything… “It’ll make you feel better. Go head Elle, it’s okay.” He says encouragingly so I popped it in my mouth and swallowed it down.

“Where did you get this from?” I asked him as I felt it going down my throat, and maybe it was all just in my head but I suddenly felt a lot better.

“Uh from Brian.” He says as we walked out.

“Brian?” I repeat back.

“Yeah last night.” Gerard shrugs and I just looked at him as we walked towards my class… Brian? Brian gave him that last night? What the fuck is he getting shit from Brian for? I wanted to ask him but I didn’t really get a chance cause suddenly we were in front of the classroom and he was kinda pushing me in.

“Gerard wait.” I protested as he waved Mikey over.

“I just gotta talk to Mikey for a second.” He tells me and it was obvious by the way he was forcing me in to the class that he didn’t want me to hear what he was gonna say. “I think Laura's calling you.” He says and I laughed looking over at her. She wasn’t even looking in our direction…

“She is not.” I tell him as Mikey came over.

“Are you sure? Maybe you should check.” Gerard nudges me again.

“Look, I can take a hint Gerard.” I tease him and he smiled.

“I just gotta talk to my brother a second okay.” He says and I shrugged.

“I really don't care.” I tell him and he smiled.

“Well how bout if I tell you I’ll see you at lunch baby.” He says and I shrugged pretending to be indifferent and he laughed as he leant over and kissed my cheek.

I left Gerard to talk to Mikey about I don't know what, I sorta got the the feeling it was about this morning but I don't know… Maybe it was about my tattoo. Maybe he wanted to make sure Mikey didn’t say anything to upset me or something… fuck…

I really got to learn to keep it together… And if not then I gotta learn how to pretend to. How to hide it from him cause I don't know how much more of my shit he's gonna be able to take before he dumps my ass…. I went over and sat and talked to Laura while we waited for class to start…

Apparently things were going really well between her and Ray and I was glad. I mean Laura was a nice girl and she and Ray really seemed to like each other… But I dont know... As happy as I was for them I also felt this unexplainable jealousy… I mean I was jealous of her and Ray and I dont know why...

Maybe cause like they didn’t seem to have any problems. Well yeah, I mean I'm sure thet had problems; everybody does- but not like the kinda shit like I have. It didn’t seem fair that Ray ended up with such a nice girl and Gerard ended up with me... I mean Laura was smart, and she was pretty and she had a nice family. She was the kinda girl you’d bring home to mother…

And me… I was none of those things. And that’s when it hit me…Laura was the kind of girl Gerard should be with, not one like me…

“Uh Laura!” I cry out filled with this newfound knowledge. “Um what do you think of Gerard.” I tell her lowering my voice a little and she smiled politely at me…

“He's real nice Elle.” She says and I nodded thinking back to that day I first met her by my locker, how she smiled looking at him… They’d make a cute couple…

“So like you would date him?” I ask her and she kinda half smiled at me.

“Would I what?” She said like maybe she didn’t hear me right.

“Like would you date him?” I repeat and she blinked a few times but didn’t answer me. “I mean like if we broke up would you date him?” I ask her and she quickly shakes her head no.

“Oh no I would never! You're my friend!” She says and I frowned.

“No Laura like if I wanted you to.” I try to explain but she just looked at me like I was nuts. “I mean if I wanted you to hook up with him, if I was okay with it- would you?” I insist and she shifted her eyes nervously.

“Um I'm with Ray Elle.” She says and I sighed a little annoyed.

”No if Rays okay with it too.” I tell her and before she could answer me the bell rang and Mikey rushed back in, taking his seat quickly and I don't know… I suppose that little pink pill started kicking in if it hadn’t already, cause I didn’t seem to feel anything anymore… I mean I could hear the teacher going over the lesson; fuck I was even taking notes! But it was more like I was on autopilot… Just going through the motions but not all there…

My mind was just fucking wandering. But none of my thoughts seemed to upset me… I was just so indifferent to them all. I wanted to write Laura a note. You know try to get her to understand what I was asking cause I don't think she really got it but I couldn’t focus enough to write it… For some reason my mind kept wandering to thoughts my father, which was weird cause I didn’t know him. I mean I didn’t know anything about him. All I knew is that he was in jail. For what? I didn't know… But I knew Chris was there cause he killed somebody… I mean that’s what the newspaper said …At least I think it did. I just couldn’t remember anymore…I wanted to ask Mikey but he was paying attention to the teacher and wouldn’t look over at me… Little fucker… I guess I’ll just have to wait till after class to talk to him…

Hmm, I wonder if my dad had anything to do with that? With why Chris was in jail… But fuck, Chris just got out… So shouldn’t that mean my dad should be getting out soon too then? Bah. Double fuck…

I sat there totally impatiently watching the clock tick down. It seemed like class was never gonna end and just when I was about to give up- it was over.

I mean the bell didn’t ring yet but Mrs. what’s her name finally shut up and was handing out what I could only assume was some kinda worksheet for homework since I wasn’t paying attention anymore… I waited till everyone started to gathering up their stuff to turn to Mikey.

“Mm Mikey, you think you could help me with something?” I asked him sweetly and first he looked at me cautiously but when I explained to him what it was, his eyes kinda lit up and I cant say I was surprised. I mean he was real curious about my dad and I don't know. I think he thought the whole thing was kinda fun… Like a mysterious adventure or some shit. I guess he didn’t realize it was my life and how much the whole thing was hurting me…

But he started going on about how we could go to the library, now that he had the full names and some general dates he could like look shit up or something. I don't know… He was babbling on as the bell rang and he kinda followed me and Laura out into the hallway. It wasn’t until he passed the spot where he usually turns off that I stopped walking and looked at him.

“Mmm Mikey Way are you following me?” I teased him and he swallowed a little but didn’t answer me. Instead he tries to change the subject.

“So uh we can go to the library like after dinner maybe then?” He says and I frowned.

“Uh no –actually I’m going to Oliver’s funeral at like 5.” I tell him lowering my voice slightly out of respect for Oliver and Mikey nodded. “You're not gonna go?” I asked him and he shook his head no.

“Oh uh no, I don't really like funerals.” He says and I shrugged.

“I don't think anybody likes them Mikey.” I tell him and he shifted a little nervously.

“Yeah but I… its more then that.” He says his voice a little shaky and I suddenly remembered how uncomfortable he was at my Papas funeral and I decided not to push him on it…

“No that’s cool, uh maybe we can go right after school then?” I offer him and he nodded.

“Uh yeah I’ll ask Gerard.” He says and I wrinkled my face a little at him.

“Ask him for what?” I said a little confused. I mean I didn't think Gerard would wanna come…

“For uh…” Mikey stammered for a second and I suddenly got what he meant by it… ask Gerard… ask Gerard my ass!

“I don't need Gerard's permission to do shit Mikey.” I say loudly and he shrugged like he didn’t wanna get involved. “I'm serious.” I tell him getting a little worked up now.

“I don't really know Elle.” Is all Mikey said back and I could feel my temperature rising…

“Did he fucking tell you to walk me to class?” I demand and Mikey just looked at the floor and when he didn’t answer me I knew I was right... “Aw fuck no Mikey.” I scowl a little as Mikey looked back up at me.

“He's just worried.” Mikey says sticking up for him like he always does… Like a good brother would I suppose…

“Worried about what?” I kinda laughed.

“Something about your locker, I don't know.” Mikey said softly and I frowned. Fuck.

“Is he still on that?” I ask Mikey and he shrugged. “It was Paul.” I tell him and he just looked at me… I mean it had to be Paul…

“You sure?” Mikey replies and I nodded insistently.

“Yeah Mikey, I mean Will’s a fucking million miles away.” I say biting my lip a little… I mean I knew why Gerard was so worried. It was my fault too…

“Yeah but Elle.” Mikey tries to say but I wouldn’t let him talk…

“No Mikey the whole thing, it's my fault you know?” I tell him and he sorta frowned. “I mean, you dont know but like I went on and on that night when you was passed out, about how scared I was of Will and all this crap…” I tell Mikey and he shrugged like he didn’t know what to say…”But that was when I didn’t know who fixed my tires “ I tell him and he arched his eyebrows up at me.

“And you now know?” He says and I nodded. Fuck I knew Gerard didn’t tell him everything…

“Yeah Paul did it.” I tell him and he scoffed a little. “He fucking fixed them for me, I guess when we were eating dinner that night, you know?” I say and Mikey shrugs. “I mean maybe if we didn’t have to stop at the library to renew your book, we might’ve seen him.” I tease Mikey and he smiled.

“Yeah well, that explains how they got fixed it but not how they got flat.” He says and I shrugged.

“Frankie said I must’ve ran over some glass.” I offered and he frowned like he didn’t buy it and honestly I didn’t either… “Look Mikey-“ I start to say and the bell rings…”You know what just be ready to go to the library after school okay? And don't worry about your brother- I’ll take care of him.” I tell him and he shrugged as he walked off.

Fucking Gerard man… Having Mikey follow me around again... Fuck. Wait till I get my hands on him… I'm gonna take care of him but good…