FicWad

I could barely think straight as I went into the social studies classroom. I was so pissed at Gerard it was unbelievable… I don't know why he has to treat me this way sometimes… I've told him how much it bothers me when he pulls shit like this… But now that I think about it, he never agrees to stop.

I mean he listens to me... Tells me he understands... And then he somehow twists it back around by saying that he does it cause he just loves me so much and he can't fucking help it; and I always fall apart at that point. I mean what do I say to that?! Usually I tell him I love him just as much back and then it's over -the conversation's over and done with and nothing is settled…

Well not this time. This time I'm gonna stand my ground… Tell him how it makes me feel so belittled when he does it… And I'm not gonna give up until he agrees to stop doing it... I mean I've been on my own a while and I've always been fine too… Maybe not so 'great' but I've always been 'okay' I suppose and that's good enough… I just hope he doesn’t take it the wrong way. I mean I'm so grateful for everything that’s he done for me. And I honestly don't know if I would’ve been able to survive everything that’s happened if it wasn’t for him…

But actually I don't think half this crap would’ve happened if it wasn’t for him…

I mean Will only kinda came after me cause I broke up with Paul… I mean he told me that. Will specifically told me that he was waiting for me and Paul to be finished. And I only broke up with Paul cause of Gerard… I mean I probably would’ve just continued to date Paul out of habit…It was weird cause like Paul and I never really talked about our future. I mean he was probably gonna get a scholarship for somewhere and I guess he just assumed I was gonna go with him where ever and I probably would’ve… I really did care for him but I don't know.

Paul use to tease that like I was the perfect girlfriend, cause I’d always look the other way and he was able to do a lot of shit.... But I was usually only looking the other way cause I was doing something questionable myself! But that’s just the kinda relationship we had. Perfect on the outside but on the inside it was all a lie… a hollow lie...

I know that’s what Paul wanted… He wanted a picture perfect life and I guess he thought I did too...I mean we were suppose to go to prom together. That was about as far ahead as I had planned and it wasn’t even like he asked me to go, he just assumed, like with this last dance, that like since I was his girlfriend I was suppose to like stand next to him in all the pretty pictures.

I guess that was the only thing I was good for, the only thing he really needed me for besides a fuck every now and again…I was like a prop to him for the longest time...and for some reason I was okay with that. For the longest time I was okay with that...Thinking about it now, I don't know why...

I was just totally willing to just go along with him and do the whole cliché high school routine and graduate and then I don't know… Just continue to live a fake life? Go off to college somewhere with him and maybe come back and visit his mother on holidays? to take pictures of course...

But that was before Gerard…

Before Gerard showed me what it was like to live… to love… to really feel… And honestly I didn’t think it was possible…At least not for me... 'Aw Gerard' I kinda sighed to myself...Fuck I just love him so much…

“Elle.” Rays voice cut through my thoughts and I looked over at him a little irritated. He was interrupting my thoughts, waving a fucking piece paper at me like it was on fire. I kinda frowned at him as I reached over and snatched it from him.

Fuck… where was I?

Oh I was thinking about Gerard and how much I love him… shit.

I'm suppose be thinking of how I'm gonna tell him off! Fuck… This isn’t gonna work. How am I gonna tell him in person if I can’t even do it in my head?! But it’s not my fault… I just think of his soft eyes and his coy little smile and I just melt inside…

Fuck. Maybe I’ll write him a letter! Yeah… a letter… a nice fuck you letter… No wait. He may take it wrong… Like I don't want to be with him anymore! Or he may take it like fuck you which actually wouldn’t be so bad…. Hmmm….

Suddenly Ray starts sliding his chair over towards me and I looked at him like what the hell…

“Uh what are you doing?” I asked him and I don't think he really heard me over the squeaking of his chair…

“Here.” He says handing me a sheet of blank paper and I kinda frowned at it… I mean what the fuck was this for? But I don't know…. I figured I could use it to write my letter to Gerard…

“Uh thanks.” I tell him and as I picked up my pencil to start writing he kinda opened up his book and flipped through it… I mean I like Ray and all but I didn’t exactly want him reading over my shoulder as I wrote to Gerard. “Look Ray do you mind like sliding back a little?” I asked him and he kinda glanced up at me.

“For what?” He asks and I bit my lip a little.

“Well I was kinda doing something.” I tell him and he looked up at me.

“Doing what?” He sorta smirked.

“I was thinking.” I reply and his smirk turned into a smile.

“Well as impressive as that may be Elle.” He says and I couldn’t help but smile too…”We really gotta get working on this so start writing.” He says and I frowned.

“To Gerard?” I asked a little confused.

“Gerard?” He says glancing over at the doorway, I guess he thought maybe he was standing there…”No Elle, were doing the Revolution.” He says pulling out some other paper from his book and I frowned looking at it… Looked like the same kinda fucking project Bobby was talking about….

Shit. I didn’t want to do a fucking project… But it looked like I was gonna have to… And stupidly Ray paired up with me… I don't know why… He shouldn’t have. I mean I wouldn’t have if I was him… He cared about his grades… somewhat. Not like me…

But now I was gonna have to try. I wasn’t about to bring Ray down with me too… Its bad enough I’m dragging Gerard down and Bob too! I mean what did he say about missing so much school cause of me? Fuck… I'm like a fucking plague…

“Hey Ray what’s that disease where you get all those red splotches?” I ask him and he arched his eyebrow up and kinda looked me up and down.

“You have red splotches?” He ask in a fearful tone… Poor guy looked like he about to slide his seat back from me…

“No I just was wondering!” I tell him trying not to laugh and he still looked at me a little apprehensively. “I mean it’s like the chicken pox. But its not, you get like dots.” I tell him and he finally nods.

“The measles.” He says and I smiled.

“Ah! That’s me I'm like the measles!” I exclaimed and he shook his head like he didn’t quite get it but he didn’t want to ask…

“Can we just-“ He says pushing the book towards me and I nodded and started filling out the sheet he gave me…

The whole time I was filling it out too he kept like glancing over at me, but I wasn’t sure why. I mean I was trying. I wasn’t gonna ‘contaminate’ Rays future too… He needed a good grade on this. I wasn’t quite sure what Ray was gonna do after high school but he had a real good shot at life, I knew that much… He was smart and he had his family behind him and a girl like Laura… aw fuck I gotta talk to her too… Damn it…

“Elle.” Ray says looking over at my paper once more like something was kinda wrong.

“What? Is it wrong?” I asked a little panicked. I mean I thought my answers were right but the way he was looking at them…

“No they're right… they're…” He paused a moment and just kinda looked at me. “Where did you get them from?” He said and I shook my head a little at him.

“Uh from the book.” I tell him pointing at his textbook. I mean what did he think I made this shit up?

“You're really smart Elle.” He said with a slightly surprised tone to his voice and I kinda made a face at him. “I mean why don't you ever do any work?” He says and I scoffed at him. “I'm saying Elle its obvious you can!” He says waving the paper at me and I frowned. “I'm asking why don't you?” He says and I shrugged.

“What’s the point Ray?” I say and now he's the one frowning.

“You know.” He says and I looked at him blankly. “Don't you want to go to college?” He says and I shrugged a little indifferently.

“I don't really know.” I told him and he continued to frown. “I mean what's the point of it Ray?” I ask him once more.

“You know to get out on your own.” He says and I grinned a little at him.

“Oh you mean like how you grow up and move out in to live on your own?” I say and he went to nod but stopped himself cause I guess he got what I was saying. “Like your own house? Car? Parents not being there to tell you what to do?” I say to him, trying not to sound as bitter as I felt… But it was just so hard, I was just so angry at everyone in my life for leaving me…

“Elle.” Ray kinda sighed a little but I shrugged. I mean normally I would’ve been in tears but this little pink pill was holding me together some how…And I hated myself for needing it… for not being able to cope with out it…

“It’s all right Ray.” I tell him and he kinda looked at me apologetically for a second.

“You know your mom would probably have wanted you to go to college.” He says I guess trying to motivate me or something but all I could do was laugh.

“Ray my mom didn’t graduate high school.” I tell him and he nodded.

“See and I'm sure she wanted better for you.” He says and I nodded in agreement.

“Yeah she did.” I tell him. “She worked hard Ray, putting her life back together.” I tell him just now realizing how hard it must’ve been with my dad being…who ever he was… “I mean my mom went back to school and fucking tried so hard.” I tell Ray shutting my eyes slightly as I thought back… “She didn’t want to live in my papas house forever you know.” I tell him forcefully. I don't know why I felt like I had to defend her to him…

“Well yeah.” Ray kinda nodded in agreement.

“She told me things were gonna get better, I mean that like we were gonna be on our own one day, like together but alone.” I try to explain and Ray nodded once more. “And then bam! just like that it’s gone.” I tell him and he sighed a little not sure of what to say I suppose…”I mean I use to go to day care so my mom could go to school.” I tell him biting my lip a little, even with the pink pill the feelings were just too strong to ignore… “And for what? For a future that never happened?” I tell him angrily… “All that time I lost with my mom… If I knew… Fuck, if she knew! You think she would’ve put me in day care Ray? Had fucking babysitters come so she could learn about the ‘American Revolution’? cause that’s what matters right?” I scoff at him…

“Sometimes life’s not fair Elle.” Ray offers and I frowned…

“So why try Ray?” I ask and he just sighed a little. “I mean seriously… why bother?” I demand and he didn’t answer me just shut his book as the bell rang.

“Why’d ya fill it out then?” He says picking up the paper from my desk and slipping it in his bag.

“For you.” I tell him like it was obvious… I mean I thought it was but the way he was looking at me made me unsure…

“Me?” He replies.

“Well yeah Ray, you deserve a future. I'm not gonna bring you down with my contagiousness.” I say and he sorta smiled.

“Measles.” He grins a little and I shrugged. “Elle you care too much.” He says and I frowned.

“You're my friend, I have to care for you.” I tell him a little confused.

“You gotta learn to care for yourself.” He says and I frowned.

“Now you sound like Gerard.” I tell him and he laughed lightly.

“Come on munchkin lets go to lunch.” He says taking my hand firmly in his. And as we walked out I kinda bumped against him as went through the doorway and he gripped my hand tighter and sorta smiled a little at my clumsiness I suppose. I was smiling back at him too, that was until I saw Laura across the hall…

First she was smiling as she looked over at Ray. Then she looked at me and she was still sorta smiling. Then she looked down at our hands clasped tightly together…and her smile... it suddenly disappeared…