FicWad

Gerard's words sent a chill down my spine…I just sat there totally frozen trying to process the words in my head… He's not in New Mexico? He's suppose to be…I mean he's gotta be…

“Well where is he?” I heard Ray say and I looked up at Gerard who just seemed to shrug kinda casually.

“Uh its postmarked from Texas.” He says and I frowned. Texas? There’s no church group in Texas…At least I don't think there is…

“Let me see.” I say reaching for the letter and Gerard pulled it back once more… He was sitting directly across from me in the booth, Laura was next to him and Ray was next to me. But Ray was kinda blocking me in and he wouldn’t like move so I could get out or anything. “Gerard.” I whined a little and he shook his head no.

“Elle trust me you don't want to read this.” He says folding the paper slightly and I don't know, maybe it was the tone of his voice, or maybe it was the look in his eye, or maybe it was just both combined. But I just knew it had to be something horrific in it…

“He hates me right?” I say my voice shaking a little as my eyes welled up with tears. I kinda leant my head forward in my hands on the table and tried my hardest not to cry…Will hated me. I just knew it… He hated me for tricking him like that and now he wants to like kill me or something for it…

“No actually baby, he loves you more then ever.” Gerard says and I lifted my head slightly and looked up at him in disbelief…

“He what?” I asked totally confused now.

“He says he ‘understands’ that you got scared when I jumped up and he doesn’t blame you for not, you know.” Gerard says and I shook my head no. “For not pulling the trigger Elle.” He says and I just continued to look at him a little anxiously…

“And that’s it? That’s all it says?” I asked him still slightly confused. I mean that didn’t sound too horrific… I was actually somewhat relieved… I mean Will didn’t hate me, and I wasn’t quite sure why he was in Texas but whatever… He wasn’t gonna hurt me, so that’s really all that mattered…

“Well he knows you went to his house, talked to his parents.” Gerard says and I shrugged. “He knows you uh, ‘covered’ for him.” He says I guess referring to the box of pills and shit I made Gerard take from his room.

“Aw fuck.” I muttered to myself. I mean he warned me not to go to Wills house. He told me to stay away… This was all my fault… “Lemme see.” I tell him once more and he shook his head no in response. “Gerard I can handle it!” I tell him. “It doesn’t sound that bad.” I sorta laughed in frustration. “I mean it’s a love letter right?” I ask as the pizza dude brought our food over and Gerard sorta nodded. “And it’s not like he wants to hurt me right?” I ask and Gerard shook his head no.

“You? No.” He says and I exhaled a little relieved. “Me? Uh yeah.” He sorta laughed and suddenly I was tense once more.

“What?” I gasped slightly.

“He wants to fucking kill me Elle.” Gerard says as he casually picked up a piece of pizza like nothing and I just sat there gawking at him. I mean I couldn’t believe he was just gonna eat…

“Oh, he wants to kill you! Well, if that's all!?” I say sarcastically and he sorta smiled at me as he pushed the paper plate over in front of me. Fuck. It was worse then I thought, he wasn’t gonna fucking eat, he thought I was! ha!

“Elle come on.” He nods at me and the dish and I frowned in disgust.

“Gerard I can’t… I mean you-“ I try to say and he sighed a little. “Let me see it Gerard.” I tell him once more and he just looked at me blankly. “He wants to kill you. I get it. Let me see.” I repeat and he swallowed a little uneasily.

“He doesn’t want to just ‘kill’ me Elle.” Gerard says and I frowned. “He wants me to die, he wants to watch me die.” He says and I guess he could tell by my expression that I still didn’t get what he meant. “Slowly.” He adds. “He wants to watch me die- slowly.” He says and I shook my head a little confused still.

“He's going to shoot you slowly?” I asked a little apprehensively… I mean that just didn’t make any sense… How could you shoot someone slowly? Bullets don't go like slow motion… that only happens in movies…

“No Elle, he’s not satisfied with just putting a bullet in my head anymore, he wants me to suffer.” Gerard says and Laura kinda looked at him out of the corner of her eye as she nibbled on her pizza.

“What does that mean- suffer?” I asked and Gerard kinda rubbed the side of his head like he was a little annoyed with me… Or maybe he was just getting a headache… I didn't really know. “Whatever, I’ll just read it myself.” I tell him as I reached for the paper once more. He had stupidly put it down on the table when he started rubbing his temples. But before I could pick it up he slammed his fist down on top of it, so hard too the table shook.

“Do not pick it up.” He says to me in a tone I had never heard him use before… He was serious. Dead serious. But I just didn’t understand why…and I guess he could tell my curiosity was eating at me. “Suffer Elle.” He says and I scrunched my face at him. “Like slice up my skin and pour acid in the wounds.” He says and I cringed a little. “Chop off my fingers, rip my toenails off with pliers, shit like that.” He says and Laura kinda dropped her pizza in disgust. “There’s some twisted shit in there Elle, I don't want you reading it.” He says firmly and I immediately let go over the paper. I kinda pulled my hands back into my lap and looked down at them somberly. Fuck…this was worse then anything I could’ve imagined…Ray reached over and picked the paper up and Gerard didn’t stop him…

“Elle you gotta eat okay?” Gerard say as he pushed the paper plate towards me once again and I kinda poked at the pizza on it. “You promised me remember?” He says softly and I nodded weakly… I did remember. I promised him that I’d try and he was gonna hold me to it…

But I also promised myself a long time ago, that I wouldn’t be his downfall… But yet here we were. With a great big mess on our hands and it was all cause of me… It’s always cause of me…

“Come on Elle.” Gerard said softly and I reluctantly picked up the pizza and took a small bite of it and I could see him nod in approval as he started to eat too…

I just kept my head down as I ate it slowly. I mean I could see Ray reading the letter out of the corner of my eye and every so often he’d kinda exhale and arch his eyebrows up but he didn’t really say anything till he handed it back to Gerard…

“You should bring it to the cops man.” Ray tells him and I don't know if Gerard nodded or what cause I wouldn’t look up. I was still kinda sorting through things in my mind… I had to fix this… It was my mess and I should be able to fix it…

“Yeah but we’re gonna be late if we don't head back now.” Gerard says and before I know it they're all getting up. I kinda reached for my purse to grab some money to pay and Gerard shook his head at me. “Naw Elle, I said I was gonna pay.” He says and I shrugged.

“Doesn’t matter.” I say tossing a twenty on the table and Gerard reached over and snatched it up.

“It does.” He says as he shoved it back in my purse and I just looked at him like what the hell. “I said I would pay -and I will.” He declares and I tried not to roll my eyes at his stubbornness. He was such a fucking ass sometimes…

“Dude we’ll be outside.” Ray tells him and Gerard nodded as he thumbed through the bills in his wallet. I went and threw out the paper plates and cups and Gerard was still standing by the table. He seemed to be adding or something in his head. I don't know if he was trying to compute the bill or the tip or what but I do know he totally sucks at math…

“Just leave a twenty Gerard, I mean the guy brought the food over.” I tell him as I came up behind him and he nodded a little.

“Yeah, but I don't have any.” He says titling his head to the side as he thumbed through the bills in his wallet once more. I started to reach for my purse again and he cocked his eyebrow up threateningly at me like I better not be reaching for my money again… And honestly I was, but after that look he shot me. I changed my mind and pulled out my lip-gloss and ran it along my lip slowly as he tossed two tens on the table.

“Good?” I ask him teasingly. I mean he practically threw a hissy fit wanting to pay and I couldn’t help but tease him about it…

“Beautiful.” He says winking at me and I smiled. I guess he thought I was talking about my lip-gloss. He leant forward and pecked my lips lightly and I just stood there looking at him. I was suddenly finding myself overwhelmed once again. He took my hand in his to leave and I didn’t move. I couldn’t move. I was just trying to make the moment last longer I suppose…”You okay?” He says squeezing my hand in his and I struggled to find my voice…

“If anything was ever to happen to you.” I barely whispered looking down at the floor… I couldn’t even look at him.

“Elle, nothing’s gonna happen.” He says trying to sound reassuring as he lifted my face back up to his and I just looked at him. I couldn’t seem to find the words to tell him exactly what I was feeling but it was like I didn’t have to. I know he knew. I could see it in his eyes. “We have a lifetime ahead of us, I promise you that Elle, okay?” He says gently and I nodded as he kissed my forehead.

“Okay.” I repeated back half-heartedly but I don't think he noticed… I mean I wanted to believe him but I just had this horrible feeling come over me ...And just like when Frankie and I were in the woods… I just couldn’t seem to shake it…

Gerard held the door open for me and as we stepped out of the pizza place the cold air hit me and I shivered slightly since I didn’t have my coat. I had left it in Rays car.

“Oooh its cold.” I tell him and he nodded slightly like he knew; but he made no motion to take off his coat and give it to me like I expected him too… In fact, he actually kinda pulled it against himself a little tighter. I just looked at him a little taken aback. I mean he always gives me his coat, what the hell? We were only like two steps out of the pizza places door and I just stopped walking and looked at him. He was acting so funny…

“Did you leave your coat inside?” He says looking me over and I shook my head no.

“No I left it in Rays car.” I replied and he shrugged a little and grabbed my arm and pulled me to start walking again.

“Well then, lets go.” He says while pulling me and I didn’t resist. I mean I was trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. It was like something was off but I didn’t know what…

Before I could ask him if everything was all right though, a familiar voice cried out from a passing car something like “Yo, Gerard, what's up man?” and I paused trying to think where I recognized it from…

“Oh hey.” Gerard replied and I looked over at the car that was sorta halfway pulled into the lot now… Took me a second to recognize the guy that was driving… It was Danny Rodigo. He didn’t go to our school. I'm not sure where he went. I mean I wasn’t exactly friends with him. He was just someone I knew through someone else I suppose… But I didn’t know Gerard knew him, and obviously Gerard didn’t know that I knew him cause he seemed surprised when Danny said hi to me.

“Oh hi Danny.” I replied and Gerard didn’t say anything. He still kinda had his arm latched around mine and I felt myself leaning against him and he sorta smiled at me out of the corner of his eye. Like maybe he thought I wanted Danny to know I was with him, but that wasn’t why I did it. It was more cause I was so fucking cold still…

“Ya know, I can’t remember the last time I’d seen you Elle.” Danny says and I smiled politely… Well that was a good thing cause I sure as hell remembered the last time I saw him! It was some fucked up party somewhere. I think I went with Jay and left with I don't know who…

“Uh yeah it’s been a while.” I tell him and he sorta grinned. It was a while ago… a long while ago…. I mean I know it wasn’t really that long, but it felt like forever. I was no longer that girl and I don't know… The way Danny was looking at me…

Made me feel like I was. Like no matter what I do I can’t escape my past…

“You still party?” Danny asks me and I half shrugged looking up at Gerard. I wasn’t quite sure how to answer that. But I don't think Danny really gave a fuck, cause he just kept talking once I shrugged, shifting his attention over to Gerard now. “Yeah, man I wanted to ask ya-“ He started to say to Gerard took a step back from the car slightly. Actually he didn’t step back, he just pushed me back…

“Uh Elle, why don't you go get in with Ray huh?” Gerard says nodding towards Ray’s car and I hesitated for a second. “Here take these.” Gerard says forcing the stack of mail into my hands and I nodded a quick bye to Danny before walking off… I mean I was fucking freezing may ass off and honestly I didn’t really want to talk to Danny. Fuck knows what he might say…

I know Gerard said what happened in the past was the past but this wasn’t the past… This was the present. And presently Gerard is talking to a guy who I may or may not have done questionable things with… I mean I was always so wasted at those parties… Danny was a fucking loser too… I don't know how the hell Gerard knows him… I mean they didn’t exactly seem like they had much in common…

I kinda glanced over at them as I got into Rays car… Gerard was kinda leaning in the window talking to Danny, nodding slightly…

“Who is that?” Laura asked looking over herself.

“Oh uh Danny Rodigo.” I tell her and she looked to Ray like who the hell was that.

“Ah he's a scumbag Laura, don't even-“ Ray tells her shaking his head a little.

“Well how does Gerard know him?” Laura kinda laughed and Ray didn’t answer… I was gonna ask him the same thing but all of a sudden something caught my eye… It was the envelope from Will… Gerard had handed it back to me with all the rest of the mail…

I found myself running my fingers along the edge, about to pull the paper out when Laura’s voice startled me.

“Elle! Gerard told you not to look at that!” She gasped and Ray spun around a little and frowned at me.

“Elle don't.” He says firmly and I pouted. “I'm serious munchkin, remember that time I told you not to look at the TV screen and you did it anyway?” He says and I nodded weakly.

“Yeah and I had nightmares for days.” I tell him and he sorta laughed.

“Then trust me Elle.” Ray says his voice taking on a serious tone once more.

“What's he doing in Texas?” I ask softly and Ray shrugged.

“Didn’t say.” He replies and I frown.

“Well where is Texas?” I ask and Laura and Ray both kinda smiled. “I mean I know it’s in the US.” I tell them and Ray nods. “And I know it’s to the left.” I tell them and Ray smiles.

“Well yeah Elle cause to the right’s the ocean.” He sorta laughed and I nodded.

“Yeah so like where’s Texas, like in proportion to New Mexico?” I ask and Laura turned back around in her seat…

“Uh its over there.” Ray replies turning back himself now.

“Yeah but like is it closer to here or there or what?” I ask and I know they both knew what I was asking they just didn’t want to tell me… “Like which direction is it?” I insist. “If you were coming here from New Mexico would you like pass through it?” I demand and Ray sorta shrugged.

“Yeah I suppose.” He reluctantly says and I felt like the world was crashing down around me…

“Great.” I mumbled to myself.

“Elle don't worry about it.” Laura says and I shook my head a little at her… What kinda fucking advice is that? There’s some fucking psychopath making his way across the country to kill my Gerard and she's like don't worry about it?!

“What the fuck Laura!” I snap at her and Ray shook his head disapprovingly at me.

”Elle she's just trying to say don't stress about it okay, Gerard will bring it to the cops, just don't get all undone.” He tells me and I sighed a little… The fucking cops… I hate cops…

“Ok let’s go.” Gerard says as he hopped in and he sorta glanced over at me as we pulled out… “You okay?” He says I guess noticing how upset I was…

“Yeah I just… I don't know.” I sighed and he looked over at the pile of mail he gave.

“Elle you didn’t-?” He says cautiously and I shook my head no as he picked up the letter and folded it in half and shoved it in his pocket.

“No I was just thinking Gerard.” I tell him and he ran his hand down my thigh and rested it on my knee.

“I don't want you worrying about this.” He says and I nodded.

“I'm not going to Gerard.” I tell him an idea suddenly hitting me.

“You're not?” He said a little surprised. Laura kinda looked over a little surprised too…

“No. I know what to do.” I tell them and now Ray was looking over at me too. “I'm gonna fix this Gerard.” I tell him and he shook his head no.

“Elle-“ He says cautiously but I ignored him.


“No I'm gonna fix this Gerard, and I know exactly what to do…”