FicWad

“I'm gonna call Paul.” I declare and Gerard raised his eyebrows up at me.

“Paul?” He repeated back and I nodded. “You're gonna call him.” He says and it hit suddenly hit me how stupid that sounded.

“Oh uh, yeah I guess that’s stupid right?” I tell him and he nodded slightly. “I mean I don't have to call him! I’ll just talk to him when we get back to school.” I say plainly as I fastened my seatbelt. I forgot to put it on since we were sitting in the car so long waiting for Gerard…

“For what?!” Gerard cried out and I frowned looking over at him. He didn’t have his seatbelt on either…

“Put your seatbelt on Gerard.” I tell him nodding towards it.

“Fucking answer me Elle.” He says gruffly.

“Fucking put it on and I will.” I snap back at him and he shook his head a little but reluctantly did what I asked.

“Well-!” He demands as he clicked it on.

“Well…I'm gonna ask him if wants to go back out with me.” I tell Gerard and he started coughing suddenly.

“I'm sorry you're gonna what?” He said once he caught his breath again and I just looked at him warily. I mean I know he fucking heard me, so that would make his question kinda sarcastic then…

“Ask him if like we can date again.” I explain and Laura kinda spun totally around in her seat to look at me. Gerard was looking down, concentrating pretty hard on his thoughts I suppose…

I kinda got the feeling like he was counting to himself… Like trying to keep his temper in check or something cause he kinda glanced up at me and opened his mouth like he was gonna say something but quickly pressed it back shut and resumed his silent counting…

“Oh don't worry Gerard, me and him dating wont affect us at all.” I tell him and he laughed sharply. I kinda smiled cause he laughed but I don't know what he found so amusing. I was dead serious… “I mean like Bob will be my husband and Paul can be my boyfriend and you can like my lover.” I say nodding slightly… I mean it was the perfect plan, but yet they were all looking at me like I had two heads…

“Fuck Gerard how many pills did you give her?” Laura kinda laughed as she turned back around in her seat.

“Just one.” Gerard sorta sighed as he rubbed the side of his head and I frowned.

“No I get it -I get what you're saying Elle.” Ray nods and I looked at him eager for support.

“Really? You think it’s a good idea?” I ask enthusiastically and Ray shook his head a little.

“No!” He laughed. “I didn’t say that! I said I understood, that’s all.” He says and I sighed a little. “You think if you're back with Paul that uh-“ Ray starts to say and I nodded.

“Well yeah I mean Will even told me so… that like that’s what he was waiting for.” I say and Ray sorta nodded. Laura still looked somewhat confused… I don't think she really knew a lot of what happened…

“Yeah but it doesn’t work like that munchkin.” Ray says and I frowned.

“Yeah, cause if I tell Will that like I'm still with Paul.” I try to explain and Gerard cuts me off.

“He knows you're not Elle, he knows you broke up, he knows we got together.” Gerard says and I frown.

“Well I’ll make something up! I’ll tell him it was joke Paul put me up to.” I say and this wave of hurt just passed over Gerard's face for a second, like he couldn’t believe I’d say that…”Or I’ll tell him it was like a bet or a dare or I don't fucking care Gerard!” I cry out getting a little worked up. “I’ll make Paul tell him something- anything- it doesn’t matter!” I exclaimed and Gerard squeezed my leg once more. I was starting to shake slightly… Just the thought of losing him, it was making me come all undone…

“Elle that doesn’t even make sense.” Gerard says and I shut my eyes slightly.

“Yes it does.” I insist. “If Paul will tell him that like he just loaned me out to you for a while but we never broke up, then technically I'm still with Paul and as long as I'm with Paul he's gotta wait, it’s the rules.” I tell him trying to keep my voice even. But it was so hard. I just wanted to burst into tears but I knew if I did it wouldn’t help anything… It would actually make it worse, cause then Gerard wouldn’t take anything I say seriously, he’d chalk it up to my out of control emotions…

“It’s the rules?” Gerard repeats back to me like he couldn’t believe what I said. “Elle he's a fucking psychopath you think he plays by rules?” Gerard snickers and I frowned.

“Well actually there a few studies that say-“ Ray starts to say and Laura shushed him…

“Yeah I do Gerard. I know Will, he's meticulous… you saw his room.” I tell him and he exhaled a little but didn’t say anything. “He likes making plans- slow plans, that’s one good thing about him, He's always been reliable and very thorough.” I say and I guess it sounded like a compliment cause Gerard kinda snickered once again.

“Yeah he's really something! Oh that Will- what a guy!” Gerard says and he sorta smiled at me and I smiled back and tried not to laugh.

“Well that’s all I'm saying Gerard, I mean like would it really be SUCH a big deal if I went back out with Paul?” I ask and he shook his head a little. “I mean it wont mean anything! It would be just like how I’m married to Bob.” I try to explain. “I mean that doesn’t bother you!” I tell him and he looked at me a little astonished.

“Who says that doesn’t bother me?” He asks reaching for door and I looked around a little startled. Fuck we were back at the school already… I don't know how the car ride went so fast…

“Wait, you don't like it that I'm married to Bob?” I ask him as he picked my bag up off the floor of the car, but instead of tossing it over his shoulder like he usually does, he waited till I put my coat on and then held it out for me to take it from him.

“Of course I don't like it.” He says as I shifted the bag on my shoulder…fuck... First he doesn’t give me his coat and now he's not carrying my bag? What the hell is going on? I mean if I didn’t know any better I’d think he was trying to distance himself from me… Like maybe he was gonna break up with me…

“You never said anything before.” I tell Gerard a little anxiously and he shrugged.

“Would it have made a difference?” He replied as we went up the steps to the school and I paused at the top. ‘What's done is done Elle.” He says and it’s at this point I realize we’re still standing outside… I mean usually he reaches around me and opens the door, but he didn’t…And he wasn’t going to….

And we were just standing there in the cold now…He nodded towards the door and I sniffled a little as I opened it, him following me in closely behind…

“I guess.” I kinda shrugged at him as we approached the English classroom.

“Look we’ll talk about this later.” He says and I sorta frowned at his word choice as I looked over at Ray and Laura. I mean Ray had carried Laura’s books for her and he was handing them back to her now… Just like Gerard's done for me so many times before…

“Later?” I asked, the skepticism was obviously apparent in my voice.

“Yeah Elle, later, like in art class.” He said lowering his voice slightly and leaning towards me . He sorta grinned as he pecked my cheek and I could’ve sworn I saw him peek down the front of my sweater as he did it too.

“Gerard!” I kinda gasped swatting at his arm and he laughed before jogging off since the bell was ringing now… Fuck. I had made him late for his class once again... Shit, I was always making him late… He was gonna end up with fucking detention again…

Which actually might not be so bad. I mean nothing bad can happen to him in school cause there’s too many people around. Will wouldn’t try anything. I mean he was seriously freaked in the 7-11. Mostly cause that wasn’t his plan… it was only cause we stopped in there and I happened to see him that all that happened…

Oh fuck. I wonder what would’ve happened if we didn’t stop? I mean would he have just followed us to the cemetery? There wouldn’t have been anybody around there… He could’ve just shot Gerard and grabbed me and no one would’ve known… And then I remembered why we stopped. Cause I was freaking out over my dream… Fuck I wonder if it was like a warning… Like I always thought like it was a warning like not to stop and get flowers and what ever… Like it was a warning that I sorta ignored, but now I'm not so sure… Things might’ve been so much worse if he we didn’t stop…

Fuck, the thought swirling in my mind were making me sick… But sick I could deal with. It was the thoughts that I wouldn’t dare let myself think, those were the ones that I was worried about… It wasn’t just the thought of losing Gerard, although that alone could instantly bring me to tears. It was more about that word he used…

Suffer…

He wanted Gerard to suffer… and for what? For loving me? For being there for me when no one else was? It just didn’t make sense… If Will truly loved me wouldn’t he want me to happy? Even if that meant me being with Gerard and not him? But then I remembered what Gerard said about things not making sense…

But that wasn’t just the only thing that wasn’t making sense lately … Gerard's been acting funny for a while now and not just since he's read the letter. I mean yeah there was a definite change in him after the letter but like even before…

Like last night. We didn’t make love last night and I'm not sure why. I mean yeah I was upset and all, but he took of my dress and then nothing… I mean I had never felt so close to him like I did in that moment so in some ways it was more intimate then sex, but he's a guy. Isn’t that what they're suppose to want?

Maybe he just doesn’t like me anymore! I mean maybe he's getting sick of me. I am a lot to deal with… He gives- and I take. Maybe he's had enough giving… I mean he didn’t give me his coat after lunch, he didn’t carry my bag either, or hold the door… Its like he's not doing all the usual ‘boyfriend’ crap that he use to…

My mind wandered through the whole class. I mean I heard some of what Ms. Leanords was saying but I really could care less… I pretended like I was taking notes but I think she could tell I wasn’t… I had decided to confront Gerard next period… I mean if he didn’t want to date me anymore, if he was having like seconds thoughts, especially now with this shit with Will. Then it would be better for him to just come out and say it now. I’ll just tell him ‘if we have no future then tell me now and I’ll be okay with it…’ aw fuck. Who am I kidding? Hmm. I wonder if he’ll give me another pill… I really kinda need it…

Suddenly the bell rang and I picked up my bag and started putting my crap away… fuck Gerard was right. I am slow. And honestly, I don't know why I always have to pull out like all my fucking crap in every class. Its not like I actually do any work. I just like lining up my pens and my pencils; and some assorted papers on the desk I suppose…Makes me feel important…Plus gives the teacher the impression your working, which is always good…

Anyway, I glanced up and Gerard sorta smiled at me from the doorway. Sorta like a hurry up smile but not really. It was weird… cause like once again; it wasn’t like him to wait in the hall. Usually he’d come in and help me. But today he wasn’t… He was just standing there and when he saw me looking to him for help, he kinda turned his back to me slightly and I frowned.

What the fuck was up with him? I found myself getting angry all of a sudden… I mean if doesn’t want to be with me anymore then he should just say so! What the fuck is up with these games? Maybe he thinks like I need him. Like he's gonna stay with me cause like he pities me… Cause I'm always so scared. Well news flash I am not afraid to be alone! I've been alone my whole life! ‘Fuck…’ I kinda grumbled to myself as I finished shoving all my crap back into my bag.

And then all of a sudden I got this horrible chill down my spine. Almost like some body had left the window open. I actually kinda shivered a little and when I looked up I knew why… Gerard wasn’t in the doorway anymore.., He was just… gone…gone with out a trace…