FicWad

I felt my heart tighten up in my chest as I dashed towards the door… This was not happening! He was just right there… He couldn’t be gone! I could feel my heart pounding in my ears as I stepped in to the hallway. I was just about to scream his name in desperation too when I spotted him… He was leaning over on the wall by the fountains talking to some skater kid I didn’t recognize… But when he saw me come out he sorta nodded bye to the kid as he stepped towards me…

“Aw fuck Gerard.” I sighed a little. The sudden adrenaline rush I just had faded all to quick and left me a little exhausted…

“You okay you look pale.” Gerard says as he took my bag from me… Fuck is that what I have to do now to get him to carry my bag? Turn pale and almost pass out?

“I just panicked when I didn’t see you.” I tell him as he sorta looked me over a little concerned and the voices in my head were practically screaming in debate now… I mean his concern seemed so genuine… there’s no way he could fake that… He really did care, but yet my empty finger was telling a different story….

“You want some water?” He says nodding towards the fountain and I shook my head no.

“No actually I wanted to ask you if ummm” I tell him lowering my voice down and he leant towards me slightly. “If maybe I could have another pill?” I ask him weakly and he immediately shook his head no. “Look I know you don't think I need it but I do.” I tell him my voice starting to shake and he wrapped his arm around me.

“Okay first you don't need it, you can get through this...and second I don't have any more.” He tries to tell me as we started to walk to class and I sorta rolled my eyes. I mean I couldn’t understand his logic… I was like ten times more upset over what happened at lunch and the thought of Will then I was this morning… I mean dealing with Jessica was like the least of my problems now… And he was bullshitting me about not having any more… I mean I'm sure Brian gave him one fucking pill! But instead of telling me flat out no, he's gotta lie…

“Are you kidding me?” I ask him and he sighed a little.

“No I'm not kidding.” He replies and I frowned. “But I'm telling you -you don't need it, -I'm gonna be right next to you the entire class Elle.” He says and I nodded. I mean that much was true… I did feel so much better knowing I could see him and that he was okay. “And you have gym next period with Bob right?” He says and I shrugged as we went into the art room.

“Well yeah but-“ I try to say and he shushes me.

“So Bob will keep an eye on you.” He tells me and I looked at him for a moment.

“Well who’s gonna keep an eye on you?” I ask and he smiled.

“I'm gonna be okay Elle.” He says and I shook my head no. “Look I don't want you worrying about me okay baby?” He says and I made a face at him. “Please baby promise me.” He adds and I sighed.

“I just can’t help it.” I tell him a little pathetically. “I'm sorry Gerard but I'm just not gonna be okay unless I'm in arms reach of you.” I tell him and he smiled.

“So you’ll go where ever I go?” He says and I cocked my head to the side a little. “You’ll sleep wherever I sleep?” He says and I smiled myself now… Him and that damn hotel…I don't know why he hated it so much but he did…

“Looks that way.” I tell him and I could tell it made him happy but he was trying not to show it too much as we sat down…

The bell rang and class started but Miss Lee was absent or something I guess cause there was a man at her desk… He said he was her sub or something, I wasn’t listening but basically he said to just do whatever it was we were doing yesterday, but since I hadn’t been in class most of the week, and Gerard too for that matter, we kinda didn’t know what to do…

Gerard pulled out a blank sheet of paper and started sketching. I pulled out a sheet and did the same… Well the same except for the fact that like my sheet was filled with random doodles… Stick figures mostly…I glanced over at Gerard's sheets expecting to see my reflection staring back at me like I always did… I mean he always draws me, or parts of me at least… But to my surprise he wasn’t this time…

And he just happened to glance up at the same moment that I looked over and he caught my expression…

“It’s a uh-“ He starts to say and I cut him off.

“Ouroboros. I know.” I tell him and he looked at me like he was shocked I knew what it was… “A serpent eating its own tail, it’s the basic symbol of life Gerard; You know Life out of death… the cycle of renewal.” I tell him and he nodded slightly. “I just don't know why you’re drawing it.” I say and he licked his lips a little.

“For you.” He says plainly as he turned his paper slightly and began shading it lightly.

“For me?” I sorta laughed. “I don't really like snakes.” I tease him and he smiled with out looking up.

“You always think it’s the end.” He said softly and froze up at his words. “But its not. It’s a circle.” He tells me and I feel my eyes welling up with tears…

“or a ring.” I find myself whispering and I know he heard me cause he looked right over at my empty finger before looking up at me.

“Yeah a ring.” He says and I just couldn’t help myself any longer…

“Gerard do you want to break up with me?” I burst out and he blinked once before answering me…

“Do you want to break up with me?” He replied and I shook my head a little. I mean that was not the answer I was expecting…

“I asked you first.” I said fully aware of how childish I sounded…

“Well I asked you second.” He replied with out missing a beat.

“Do you think I want to break up with you?” I gasped a little.

“Well do you think I want to break up with you?” He replies once more and honestly I kinda thought he did…

“Why would you think that!” I said and he shrugged.

Well, why would you think that.” He says and I bit my lip a little…I mean I knew we were just gonna keep going in circles like that unless I stopped it…

“Cause you’ve been acting funny.” I tell him and he sorta looked at me like he wanted me to go on but I wouldn’t…I mean I sorta answered him now he had to answer me. “Your turn.” I tell him and he half smiled.

“You told me you wanted to ask Paul to go back out with you.” He says and I frowned. That didn’t mean anything…And I told him that it wouldn’t… that it didn’t. But I guess I didn’t realize how much it upset him… “Funny like how?” He asks shifting the conversation back and I shook my head a little to gather my thoughts.

“Like funny, like you didn’t give me your coat or carry my bag or-“ I start to say but I just couldn’t focus…”You know that I meant like just being with Paul for appearances right?” I ask and he nodded.

“Yeah but still after all the shit he did to you, I cant believe you’d even consider…” Gerard says his voice trailing off and I turned and looked away a little shamed… “And you said you wanted ‘independence’.” Gerard tells me, his words bringing me back around…

“That’s what that was? You giving me independence?” I sorta gasped and he nodded.

“You thought I didn’t care?” He says sounding slightly amused and I felt myself blushing from my own stupidity. “Aw baby how could think that?” He says reaching over and squeezing my thigh under the table.

‘I don't know I mean you wont give me your ring back.’ I say softly and honestly I didn’t mean to say it out loud, I was just thinking it and it popped out…

“You want my ring back?” He asked like he wasn’t sure…

“You want to give it back?” I reply and I could see this taking a turn like before, I guess he did too cause he stopped it.

“I didn’t think you wanted it anymore.” He said and I frowned.

“Do you still have it?” I asked softly and he shifted in his seat slightly…

“Uh yeah.” He replied shifting once more and I sorta leant over closer to him…

“Can I have it back?” I asked and honestly I don't know where I found the courage to ask such a thing, but I did… I asked him and he froze up a little and wouldn’t look over at me. He lowered his eyes slightly and took a deep breath before answering me…

“No.”

It was just one simple little word… No… He said no… I can’t believe he said no! It stung me so deep it was unreal…I felt this wave of emotions rush up and just hit me in the face. I was just so horribly upset. But I was more then just upset. I was angry… I mean if he just said he didn’t want to break up with me, but he didn’t exactly want a future with me either. What kinda shit was that?

When I tensed up and shifted back away from him, he put his pencil down and looked over at me.

“That’s not how I meant it.” He says quickly like he was trying to backtrack, but it was too late. The damage was done. He said what he said, there was no taking it back now...

“No that’s okay.” I tell him and he looked at me a little surprised. Hell I was surprised too. I mean my voice was so cool and even tempered it didn’t even sound like me… “I mean there’s only one of two things that could mean so go ahead and tell me, tell me how you meant it…” I tell him and he slid a little closer to me.

“Well you know that day…” He starts to say lowering his voice down so no one could really hear him but me… “Honestly Elle, I wasn’t planning on doing it that day, not like that.” He says and I nodded slightly… It was weird too cause like on the outside I was incredibly calm but on the inside I was shaking. I mean this was like one of my deepest darkest fears. I always knew that he regretted asking me to marry him that day…”See and the thing is-“ He started to say but I just didn’t want to hear anymore.

“That’s all right I get it.” I tell him and he sorta frowned. “If you don't want to give me my ring back then don’t. You don't have to pretend like you want to. Just let it be,” I sorta sighed. I don't know why he felt he had to lie to me… It just wasn’t nice, it wasn’t right, and it wasn’t something I ever thought I’d hear from him.

“Elle you know I want to marry you right?” He says urgently taking my hand in his and I sorta snickered unintentionally. What kinda fucking games is he playing now?

“Then why did you say no when I asked for my ring back?” I challenged him.

“Cause I'm not giving you that ring back.” He says and I frowned.

“Why not?” I asked and he looked over at me like he couldn’t believe I said that.

“I'm gonna buy you a ring Elle, I promise you, and soon too okay?” He says and I found myself a little confused once more…

“Buy me one? For what? No, I had a one.” I reply and he shook his head no.

“Naw Elle, that was…” He paused a moment and then sorta squeezed my hand tightly in his. ”I'm gonna get you a better ring Elle.” He says with this surge of determination in his voice I had never heard before. “You deserve something better. I'm gonna get you something better.” He says firmly and I frowned.

“I don't want something better I want that ring! My ring.” I said raising my voice slightly and he looked at me a little surprised.

“It was shit Elle.” He replies and I frowned. “It was every penny I had that day, but still-” He says sorta stopping mid-sentence.

“But still… it was mine.” I say once it was obvious he wasn’t going to go on. “It was mine and I want it back.” I tell him stubbornly.

“Elle you know that wasn’t even 14k gold.” He tells me and I nodded along even though I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. I mean it was gold… gold-ish I suppose. But whatever, I didn’t really give a fuck.

“Gerard I don't give a fuck if it was silver or gold or if it was fucking plastic! It was mine and it’s the only one I want.” I tell him adamantly and he just looked at me blankly. “I swear to God Gerard that is the only ring that I will ever, ever wear in my entire life! You can fucking buy me a million dollar diamond and I wont wear it.” I tell him and he sorta smiled. “I'm serious Gerard.” I insist.

“Yeah I know you are baby, you get obsessive like that.” He says and I shrugged. I mean I guess he was right…”But I give it back to you Elle-“ He says and he paused a moment to make sure I was looking at him, and I was… “I give it back to you Elle you never take it off again…not ever again.” He says and I nodded. I mean, I knew I had hurt him so deeply when I threw the ring back at him that day. And that’s why I did it too -cause he hurt me cutting bow-bow open and I wanted to hurt him back…Fuck it all seemed so foolish now, and I know I never want to do that again. I’d rather die then be the cause of his pain…

“Then give it to me.” I ask him once more holding my hand extended out to him and he sorta looked at me funny.

“Uh I don't have it with me, it’s at home.” He says like I should've known that.

“Well then gimme another pill.” I tell him and he sorta laughed.

“I already told you I don't have anymore!” He says to me as I reached for his pocket. “I'm serious baby!” He laughed turning in his chair slightly and I looked over his face closely… He looked like he was telling the truth, but then again I don't know… He's hard to read sometimes.

I mean he was definitely happy, that much I could tell. But there was something deeper that he didn’t want me to see… Probably all this shit with Will… I know he's worried -but he's worried for me and he shouldn’t be. He should be worried about himself…

I told him that too, but he sorta just blew me off. I think he was just trying to minimize my fears but it wasn’t working and since the bell had rang and class was now over I couldn’t really push him on it anymore…

But once the bell rang he reached down and instinctively picked up my bag off the floor and then hesitated a moment with it.

“Uh do you want me to carry your shit for you Elle?” He asks and I sorta shrugged. “Well do you not want me to carry it?” He says and I bit my lip a little and just looked at him.

It was silent for what seemed like a long time. I mean we were kinda just frozen, standing silently in the classroom… Everyone had already left for their next classes, and it was only me and him left in the room now. He was holding my bag kinda at an arms length, waiting for my answer…

“Elle what the fuck?” He grumbled tossing the bag over his shoulder roughly. I guess his arm was getting tired of being extended like that or something.

“No I’ll take it.” I tell him and he shook his head no a little as he grabbed my arm and sorta pulled me out of the classroom. I mean the next class was already starting to come in since we had stood there for so long...

“It’s all right Elle, I don't mind carrying it, now come on.” He says as we started down the hallway.

“Gerard I don't want you to carry my bag cause you don't mind doing it.” I tell him slowing down my walk a little and he tried to match his pace to mine. “I want you to do it cause you…” I sighed a little and he nodded.

“Naw I do want to do it Elle. I was just trying to give you your independence.” He says and I shifted my eyes to the floor.

Independence? that’s the second time he's used that word… Hmm. Did I ask for my independence? I can’t remember ever saying that…

“Who told you to give me my independence?” I ask him and he just totally stopped walking.

“My mom.” He says like it was so obvious and once he said it, it actually was quite obvious… I mean it made sense, the way I had carried on that day to Donna about wanting to be…aw fuck I think I did tell her independent…

“Wait, you talked to your mom about me?!” I gasped and he sorta blushed and didn’t answer me. He just told me that he’d meet me at my locker immediately after school and that I should try to change quickly after gym class cause we have a few things to do before the funeral…

Aw fuck- the funeral! I had almost forgotten about Oliver’s funeral… And Paul, the fucker that he is- he never told me where it was, just that he’d pick me up at five o’clock… Well fuck that! That ain’t gonna happen. I mean there’s no way I'm going with him to Oliver’s funeral, he's out of his fucking mind if he thinks that’s gonna happen… I'm just gonna have to find him after school and ask him again…shit.

Gerard and I had walked as far as the tip of the gym hallway before kissing goodbye. I told him that he better hurry up and start heading back to his class before the bell rang and he said he would, but when I got to the locker room door I glanced back over my shoulder and he was still standing there. In the same fucking spot where I had left him, but now he was talking to some freshman I didn’t recognize. I guess he just wanted to make sure I made it down the hall and into the locker room safely I suppose? I don't know…

I don't know what the fuck I want from him. I mean I get pissed when he shadows me and I get pissed when he doesn’t…

When I heard the bell ring as the door shut behind me, I knew he was gonna be late for class once again…I had decided right then and there that I was gonna have to talk to him about this… The guilt in knowing I was bringing him down, academic wise at least, it was just eating at me… I know he refuses to acknowledge how I've been destroying the rest of his life, but this…this was something I could reason with him about. I mean I had proof! The number of detentions he's gotten since we got together has like quadrupled I swear…

I was trying to add the numbers in my head as I changed but I couldn’t seem to figure out how to convert percentages into fractions with out ending up in the triple digits… And then suddenly the room got kinda quiet and I felt a chill go down my spine. And when I glanced around quickly, I realized that I was all alone in the locker room now...