FicWad

I pressed my foot down on the brake pedal and nothing happened…

Like nothing. So I pressed harder…and then even harder and still nothing…Fear began to grip me as I could see the light up ahead was red and all the cars ahead of us were starting to slow down now.

”Elle slow down already.” Gerard says absentmindedly to me like maybe he thought I just wasn’t paying attention or something but once he saw the look on my face he knew it was something more.

“I'm trying but I cant!” I cried out as I frantically pressed down on the brake pedal over and over, harder and harder still…but nothing…I had never felt so helpless in all my life. I didn’t know what to do… so I did nothing…

I froze up… I choked… I don't know…I have excuse, no answer… I've always heard people say when tragedy strikes you just react automatically… Well not me, unless you count doing nothing as something, but then again I don't know…

Maybe if given the chance I would’ve done something, but I’ll never know cause Gerard just hastily reached over and grabbed the steering wheel turning it sharply to the right. I gasped as we went up over the curb and into the far side of some abandoned strip malls parking lot, still at full speed...

He turned the wheel once more roughly and as he did it he grabbed the emergency brake lever on the center console with his other hand. I cringed at the sound of the tires squealing as we spun to a stop. It was at that point I realized I was holding my breath and my lip was trembling.

“You okay?” He says to me and I lowered my head down and didn’t answer him. “Elle?” He repeats and I shook my head no slightly. “You hurt?” I hear him say and I can feel him looking me over.

I wasn’t hurt, not physically at least… I was just freaked…more freaked then I had ever been...

“No I just…” I tried to tell him but I couldn’t seem to hold my emotions together enough to even make a complete sentence.

“Okay just…-here.” He says taking the keys from the ignition. “Just stay here I’ll be right back.” He says as he got out and I just hung my head forward trying to settle the thoughts in my head.

I was completely disgusted with myself for not doing anything. Thank god Gerard was here! I was so relieved that he was but at the same time I wasn’t… He always ‘saves me’ and sometimes I just wish he’d let me fall on my face otherwise I'm never gonna learn to take care of myself...

But no sooner then the thought entered my mind did I push it away. I mean what the fuck is wrong with me? Would I have rather crashed? I mean sometimes I could really care less about my own life, whether I live or die, but I could’ve hurt somebody else…Somebody with a family... Somebody who has people counting on them, who needs them...

Gerard came back to the truck and I just couldn’t even look at him. I was just such a horrible person…

“You alright?” He asks and I sniffled back my tears… I mean what would he think of me if he knew what I was just thinking… How fucking ungrateful I am…

“Yeah I'm fine.” I lie to him and I know he knew I was lying but he didn’t say anything about it. He just told me that he called Bob, well no actually he called Ray but Ray wasn’t home so then he called Bob to come and pick us up…

As we waited he kept saying don't worry about the truck, that he was gonna have it towed to his uncles shop or something but I could really give two shits about the truck…Worst comes to worse I'll just buy a new one...

“Gerard what the hell happened?” I asked him once we in Bob’s car. We were headed to the funeral now. I felt bad cause I know Bob said he wasn’t gonna go, but yet here he was going anyway even though I told him he didn’t have to.

Sure we were pressed for time and all now, but he could’ve just brought us to Gerard's house. I mean yeah, there still wouldn’t have been any time for me or Gerard to change clothes; but we could’ve at least taken Gerard's car, and that way we wouldn’t be bothering Bob so much.

“Gerard?” I ask him when he didn’t answer me. He glanced over at Bob briefly and they exchanged several looks before Gerard turned to me…

“What do you mean baby?” Gerard replies and I frowned… He knew what I meant! Fuck, him and Bob just spent like 20 minutes looking at the wheels and poking under the truck and shit, while I waited anxiously in Bob’s car…

I mean I would’ve gotten out and looked too, even though I wouldn’t have know what they were looking at but at least I would’ve heard what they were saying! But it was just too fucking cold out. Fuck. I should've bought a heavier coat that day at the store, the one I got looks real pretty and all, but it’s got no lining. But whatever, I mean I would've froze my ass off and stood out there just to hear what they were saying if I knew he was gonna pull this shit!

“Bob?” I say roughly shifting my attention to him. I mean he never lies to me- he’ll tell me what the fuck's going on…

“What's up honey?” He says casually and I rolled my eyes at him.

“Just forget it.” I tell them both as I slouched down in my seat…they weren’t gonna tell me shit, but it didn’t even matter cause I got the feeling there was nothing to tell…

I mean the brakes failed right? That much was obvious… The question was just why? …Normal mechanical failure? maybe…maybe not… But I doubt who ever did it left a note explaining why, just like when my tires were flattened… Aw fuck, I wonder if…

I mean, tires-breaks, they're in the same place right? Maybe when Paul changed them he accidentally fucked up the breaks? No… that doesn’t sound right… Paul wouldn’t want to hurt me and Will wouldn’t have done that either… I mean Gerard usually drives-but he drives me! So we both could’ve been hurt…and Gerard said that Will doesn’t hate me so that rules that out. Unless he was lying…

But no… He wouldn’t lie like that. Not on something that important… That only leaves Sinatra but even that doesn’t add up… I mean Sinatra specifically said he wasn’t gonna hurt me and maybe I was stupid for believing him when he said it then, but honestly, even now I still believe him…

We pulled up at the funeral home and Bob refused to come in. I don't know if it was cause he didn’t know Oliver or if he just was uncomfortable cause he wasn’t dressed right or what… But I don't know. Gerard and I weren’t exactly dressed for it either.

And I guess we were late coming in and it had already started, cause as we ducked in the back some older man was reading somekinda bible scriptures up front near the coffin… I was sorta glad in a way, glad that I didn’t have to go up to the coffin cause I don't know that I could’ve handled it if I had the chance…

The man read for a while and when he finished he lit a few candles and I looked around the room… Jeff and his parents were seated up front. I couldn’t see their faces though… But the crowd was incredibly mixed. I mean you could tell some people were family, or family friends. The older people mostly…You could tell their sympathy was genuine...You could see it on their faces... It reminded me of my papa. Like whenever something would come on the news about a young kid dying he'd shake his head and say it was a shame... that no parent should have to bury their child, like he did for my mom...

But the younger people in the room, they didnt have that aura around them… Well some of them did, but not all of them, like Paul... He was standing over by the wall with a few other guys from school. And yeah, they were all dressed properly in their ‘suits,' and Im sure they all knelt by the coffin and said some brief words to Jeff and Oliver's parents. But none of them really knew Oliver... I mean they certainly weren’t friends with him. They only came to pay their respects to Jeff and his family cause that’s what you do… But it was all an act…

Then you had this other group of people mixed in… People from school. People that I know for a fact did not know him. But yet here they were…I mean fucking Amy Wallace is sitting up towards the front dabbing her tears away with a Kleenex! What kind of fucking nerve does she have doing that?! Amy Wallace! I mean she never fucking even spoke to Oliver. How do I know this? cause I over heard her asking who he was that day in the lunchroom before I ran out on Frankie…

She didn’t even know who he was, but yet she came to his funeral- why? cause it’s the thing to do? Cause she didn’t want to be excluded? Cause when something happens whether its good or bad everyone has to throw their two cents in right?

It seemed like everybody had something to say about Oliver now that he's dead and it just pissed me off… I mean the only people that should be here are the ones who really knew him…That handful of people in the room that I just didn’t recognize…

I'm guessing they were Oliver’s friends, his real friends, but there wasn’t that many of them… I know Oliver didn’t talk to many people in our school but he did hang out at the skate park, even though he wasn’t a skater… He wasn’t anything… He was just Oliver… and now he's gone…

I blinked back a few tears and shifted my eyes around the room once more; Paul was staring at me, probably wondering why I showed up dressed in the same shit I wore to school. And I know he's just going to ream me out for it as soon as he gets the chance, and honestly I really didn’t care what he had to say anymore… I shifted my gaze past him and settled it on a real pretty girl a few feet from him. She was dressed modestly in all black, and she had this long dark hair and the ends were tipped in red. –she was definitely one of Oliver’s friends…

I had never seen her before, but my heart went out to her. There was just a sadness about her and I could tell from clear across the room that she was truly suffering being here… Not like Amy Wallace who was now sobbing so loudly that you could hear her clear across the room, like a fucking beached whale...

I guess the prayer guy was done with his candles and whatever else he was doing cause he said a few more words and then people started getting up and shifting around the room. Paul immediately waved me over and I stood up quickly. But instead of going towards him, I went the opposite way, and found myself back out in the hallway…

“I don't know that I can do this Gerard.” I tell him and he looked at me like it was hurting him to see me like this. I expected him to say ‘then don't do it, lets just leave’ like he did before, when he thought we were at Oliver’s funeral. I mean that’s what he said, and I wanted him to say it again…

I wanted him to offer me an ‘out’, cause this time I was going to take it…

“Elle I think you need to go back in.” He says I swallowed my surprised back down my throat. “Really Elle, I think you need to let this go.” He tells me softly and I nodded.

“I want to go.” I whispered at him and he smiled slightly.

“I said ‘let this go’” He says softly back to me and I nodded.

“I know.” I tell him weakly and he smiled as he stroked my cheek.

“Elle, what happened to Oliver is not your fault, you need to make peace with it.” He tells me and I knew deep down inside that he was right.

“I don't know how Gerard.” I tell him lowering my eyes down and he pulled me a little closer to him.

“You go in there Elle, and you tell his parents you're sorry.” He tells me, and I feel my eyes wet with tears suddenly.

“Hey G-man.” A scratchy voice says interrupting him and I glance over. It was some skater kid I didn’t know, but Gerard did obviously. He kinda nodded hi to him before turning his back slightly to the guy and pulling me even closer to him, continuing right where he left off…

“You go talk to Jeff…to his family…you light a candle for Oliver and then we’ll go.” He says lowering his voice down gently and he made it sound like it was almost easy.

“You're not coming in.” I asked him softly and he licked his lips a little and looked over my shoulder. I glanced over and spotted Paul by the door with Jeff now…

“Naw I'm gonna have a smoke.” He tells me and I nodded. I mean he was just so good to me… He didn’t want to cause more tension since he knew how I upset I already was… “I’ll be right out here if you need me.” He tells me and I looked at him pathetically.

“I do need you.” I tell him weakly and he smiled encouragingly at me.

“You can do this Elle. I have faith in you.” He says and maybe it was the look in his eye as he said it, or maybe it was just me wanting to believe it so badly but I felt this surge of determination all of a sudden…Gerard had faith in me! And I didn’t want to let him down…not now…not ever…

But somehow it just felt like it was my destiny