FicWad

I walked slowly back over to the door that I had so hastily run out of, just mere moments before, and I paused slightly before going back in. I had turned to watch Gerard as he headed outside to go have his ‘smoke’ and in the instant that I could no longer see him -a wave of panic gripped me. But I quickly pushed it aside… I mean Bob was out there, and I knew he’d keep an eye on him for me. And its not like anything was actually gonna happen. I mean not here, not with all these people around, at least I don't think it would…

Fuck. I wish Gerard would let me see the letter Will sent. I mean he doesn’t know Will like I do. I mean maybe he was reading too deep into it, or maybe he wasn’t looking deep enough… fuck…I'm gonna have to talk to him about it, but I don't know, it didn’t really matter now anyway. I mean it did matter, but just not now… Now was not the time for me to be obsessing over it…

No I had to go in and do like Gerard said, no matter how hard it was gonna be… And no sooner then I got with in an arms reach of Paul did he grab me and start in on me, something about me being late and looking like shit…

“Well gee thanks Paul, you always know just what to say!” I tell him and he frowned at me.

“Look it reflects badly on me.” He says wagging his finger disapprovingly at me and I could not believe he was serious.

“We…” I tell him gesturing to the air between us. “We are not together anymore Paul.” I tell him and just he smirked at me. “What I look like, what I do, it’s none of your concern.” I added and he grinned at me as I crossed my arms on my chest.

“Since when?” He replied and I widened my eyes at him.

“Since we broke up! Fuck are you even listening to me?” I tell him and I can feel myself getting all wound up now… I don't know why I let him get to me…

“Don't get hysterical now Elle.” He says lowering his voice down slightly and I frowned as he nodded to an older couple that was coming out now.

“Yeah we wouldn’t want to cause a scene.” I hiss at him… Him and his fucking image… Sometimes I just wanted to rip up his ‘picture’ perfect life into a million little pieces and watch it fall to the floor…

“Elle I thought I still meant something to you…like you do to me…” He says and as I looked up into his eyes, my heart ached for a brief second… I wanted to say something back, but I didn’t know what… I mean he knows I care for him.

I can’t just stop caring for him, but I don't love him. And no matter how angry I get and how much I say I hate him… I really don't… I'm not a hateful person, and he knows this… He knows I could never hate him…I could never turn my back on him completely…

“I thought you said we could still be friends.” He tells me and I nodded. I did say that… It was that day he got bit by the squirrel actually.

“Paul I would like nothing more then to be friends with you.” I tell him and he moved closer to me. “But I can’t.” I tell him leaning back from him and he frowned. “I just don't trust you.” I tell him and he shook his head at me.

“You what?” He says like he didn’t hear me.

“I just, I know you. You're trying to fucking trick me-“ I go to tell him and he shook his head once more. He was getting all tensed up now…

“What cause I asked where you were? Why you were late?” He says defensively and I lowered my eyes a little. “You made such a fucking scene in the hall about wanting to know where it was-“ He says and I cut him off.

“I had a problem with my truck. Okay?” I tell him roughly and he crossed his arms on his chest and looked down at me.

“What kind of a problem?” He says and I don't know if it was the way he was looking at me or the way he was standing but I got a real funny vibe from him… I wasn’t sure if I should tell him or what… “Elle.” He says when I didn’t answer right away.

“Something with the brakes.” I tell him, keeping my eyes locked on his to see if I could pick up anything odd up in his reaction but nothing… I mean I'm not good at reading people…

“So what you want me to fix it?” He says and I rolled my eyes at him… Fucking men. I mean they think like they have to fix everything…

“Uh no.” I tell him and he tossed his hands up a little.

“What the hell Elle?” He grumbles at me and I frowned.

“What the hell nothing!” I snap back at him. ”I don't need you to fix it! I was just telling you cause you asked.” I tell him and he frowned.

“Oh so you’re saying that you don't think you need me anymore?” he says snidely and I smirked right back at him.

“No I don't think.” I say and he opened his mouth grinning slightly with somekinda insult on the tip of his tongue but he never got to say it… “I KNOW I don't need you.” I tell him pointing my finger at him and he looked me over real quick, like my defying him was amusing....

“Well then, good luck in there Elle.” He says winking at me and I felt like the wind was knocked out of me for a second. I had gotten so caught up in my bickering with Paul that I forgot where we were!

I forgot what we were doing and how I needed him to face Jeff’s parents… or at least I think I needed him… I wasn’t sure anymore… And I guess he could see the panic on my face.

“You apologize right now and I’ll let it slide this one time Elle.” He tells me as he looked down at me... And his words just hit me so hard. They were so condensing and I hated it… I always hated when he treated me like that and usually I’d just take it, but not this time… This time it sparked something deep inside me.

I suddenly realized that I didn’t need him… It was all so clear, I was so very afraid before, and fuck I was still afraid but somehow I found strength I didn’t even know I had… I didn’t want to be dependant anymore…not on Gerard, not on Bob and certainly not on a fucker like Paul…

Gerard was right. I could do this… I will do this… and I’ll do it alone…

“So…?” Paul says leaning towards me slightly; apparently he was still waiting on my apology.

“So? So you can fuck off.” I tell him and he smirked lightly as he stepped back from me.

“That’s nice Elle.” He says like he was amused by my efforts. “You just come get me when you're ready.” He says smugly before walking off. Just knowing that he thought I was gonna fold made me more determined then ever to hang in there…

I made my way back through the room. I didn’t see Jeff and Oliver’s parents anywhere, but it’s not like they left, I'm sure they were here, I just didn’t see them… I did see Jeff though. He was off to the side flipping through that book they put out… the one where people can come sign their names…So I sucked up every bit of strength that I could muster and went over to him...

“Mmm Jeff.” I said softly as I came up behind him, placing my hand on his back and he turned to face me.

“Oh hey Ellie.” He replied and he sniffled somewhat as he shifted his eyes to me…

“Oh Jeff.” I sighed a little as I looked him over… I knew that sniffle and it wasn’t from crying… “You fucked up?” I whispered at him and he sorta shrugged like whatever and I bit my lip as I looked at him… I mean I was in no position to be lecturing him that was for damn sure…

“Pete said you had a fire.” He says and I nodded… fuck…Pete told him I had a fire, which means that he must’ve told Paul too, which can only mean more shit from him before the night is over…

“Oh uh yeah, but it was no big deal.” I tell him and he shrugged like if I say so. “So um... how are you doing Jeff?” I ask him reaching over and touching his arm gently and he looked down at my hand on him and shrugged once more… “I'm sorry that was a stupid question.” I tell him pulling my hand back...Fuck, I'm embarrassed by my own stupidity sometimes…

“Naw I'm okay Elle.” He says wiping his nose on the back of his hand and I tried not to frown. I knew those words all to well…And I could just tell by his tone, by the way he was standing, by the vacant look in his eyes...it all pointed to one thing...he was not o-fucking-kay…

And I didnt know what to say to him... I mean Jeff and I were never really close… I mean I did sleep with him but it didn’t mean anything. It wasn’t like this big emotional connection we had or anything, it was just sex.

But I wanted to take him in my arms and squeeze him tight and make all the pain go away for him, but it just didn’t seem possible… I wonder if that’s what Gerard felt for me at my papas funeral…I mean it was just killing me to see Jeff like this…

“Jeff I really am sorry.” I tell him softly and he nodded as he turned slightly from me.

“Did he say anything?” Jeff asked, his voice was barely a whisper.

“What?” I asked moving closer to him. He was leaning over the table now, flipping through the signature book, purposely not looking up at me…

“Oliver...did he say anything?” He repeats. “Anything about me?” He added and I shook my head no quickly.

“No he didn’t.” I tell him not sure if that was gonna make him feel better or worse.

“You know that morning I told him I hated him.” Jeff says keeping his gaze firmly on the book in front of us… “I told him he was a freak and I wished he wasn’t my brother.” He adds and I was suddenly glad Jeff was not looking at me as he spoke cause I think I would’ve just lost it…

“Aw Jeff.” I sighed a little and he shrugged.

“I don't know why he just couldn’t try to fit in.” He says flipping the pages in the book roughly now.

“Cause then he wouldn’t have been Oliver.” I say plainly and Jeff smiled slightly as he lifted his gaze back on me.

“I know you were friends with him Elle.” He says and I shrugged.

“I never said I wasn’t.” I tell him and he wiped his nose once more.

“You never said you were.” He replies and I lowered my eyebrows down at him.

“If anyone had asked I wouldn’t have denied it.” I said defensively referring to Paul.

“Yeah I know Elle, I didn’t mean it like that.” Jeff sighed and I shrugged not sure of what to say anymore…

“Its all right.” I tell him and he shook his head at me.

“Fuck I think I need a recharge or some shit.” He says rubbing at his nose once more and I was gonna tell him no, that he didn’t need it, you know like Gerard always tells me, but I knew he did need it, so I said nothing.

I just picked up the pen on the desk and figured as long as we were standing here I’d sign my name in the book.

“Hey is your boyfriend around?” He chuckled and I wrinkled my face at his words. What the fuck did that mean? I was gonna ask him too but I didn’t get a chance… Cause as I was flipping back through the pages of the book looking for a blank spot to write in, one of the names instantly caught my eye and it took my very breath away…