FicWad

There scrawled out in the middle of the page was Lia’s name… I don't know why it caught me so off guard. I mean she was just as good of friends with Oliver as I was… I mean fuck, I was the one who told her he died… But I know I didn’t see her when we came in…

“Is Lia here?” I asked Jeff pointing at her name and he casually glanced over at the book.

“Uh yeah she came yesterday.” He said absentmindedly and I nodded along. Fuck am I stupid sometimes. I mean if Lia was here I would’ve seen her by now, she's kinda hard to miss…Hmm I wonder if Mr S came with her? I mean he is her ‘boyfriend’, and unless I'm mistaken he was Oliver’s consular at school too.

“Oh.” I sighed a little as I looked over the rest of the names. I didn’t see his though. I frowned slightly as I scribbled my name towards the back… I was tempted to put Gerard's name too but I didn’t know how he would feel about it so I didn’t… By the time I finished writing Jeff was gone. I don't know where he went… I did see his parents but they seemed to be in deep conversation with someone that looked like maybe a priest… I didn’t really know who he was but I didn’t want to go interrupting them…

I made my way back towards the door where the wall of candles was. And as I reached up to light one I felt someone come up behind me and place their hand down on my back. I didn’t even have to look behind me to know it was him…I could just tell. I mean I could feel him, I could smell him…

“You okay honey?” I hear Bob say softly from behind me and I nodded as I leant back against him, silently watching the flames flickering atop the candles. I don't know why fires always mesmerized me like that… But I couldn’t break my gaze from it. I felt like if I stared long enough…if I looked deep enough I could find all life’s answers hidden with in it…

"Yeah I was lighting a candle for Oliver." I tell him and nodded approvingly. "Did you want-?" I ask him holding the long matchstick out for him, but he shook his head no.

"Uh no, that's okay." He says and I proceeded to light two more candles up. I could feel him looking at me questioningly now...

"For my mom...and my papa." I tell him my eyes tearing up as I watched the match tip burn out... And as it fizzled down this horrible sadness filled me. I turned and showed Bob the now lifeless matchstick sadly, and as he took it from me he nodded towards the candles.

"They're still burning." He says and I wiped the tears in my eyes away as I leant back against him...He loosely wrapped his arms around me and I found myself reaching up and pulling them tighter to me… pulling him tighter to me… I just needed something to hold and his arms were just so incredibly comforting... I found myself getting sucked in to something that was strange but yet wonderful…

"Yeah they are." I sighed and I felt him tighten his arms up around me even more so. And as he squeezed me to him I felt his breath tickle my neck as he pulled my hair back, resting his face in the crook of my neck now. I felt his lips brush against my skin and he kissed my shoulder lightly, in an effort to comfort me I suppose... And I needed it... I wanted it...

I could feel my body aching to be loved... It was like I just wanted to feel something...Something to know that I was still alive, that I was still wanted, that when it's me lying there, that I'd be... I don't know... missed?

Death scared me terribly... You would think I'd be use to it by now, but I wasn't... I don't think I ever will be... I felt myself trembling at thoughts of my own mortality and I guess Bob felt it cause he pulled me tighter back against him, if that was at all even possible...

I felt like I just wanted to disappear into his arms, they were that warm and inviting and safe... They were everything that I always wanted and I couldn’t understand how something could feel so very right but yet so very wrong all at the same time…

“This isn’t right.” I heard myself gasp as I pulled back from him, reality smacking me in the face... And it hurt…. Bad….It was like coming out of a deep mystical trance, when you didn’t know you were even in one…

“Elle.” He says softly and honestly somewhat apologetically too.

“No I have to do this alone.” I tell him taking a step back from him and he looked at me a little confused.

“Why?” He asks plainly and I shook my head, frustrated that I had to explain it to him. I mean he was my bestest friend. He knows why...

“Cause.” I say full well knowing he wouldn’t be satisfied with that answer… “Anyway, what the hell are you doing in here Bob?” I ask him shifting the conversation and he frowned at me. But I don't know if it was cause of my question or my tone or what…

“I thought maybe you needed-“ He starts to say and all the anger I felt before from Paul saying those words came instantly flooding back at me…

“Needed what- you?” I snap at him without thinking. And for a split second I could see this wave of hurt pass on his face. “Oh God Bobby! I'm so sorry.” I apologized quickly, and he shook his head like it was no big deal but it was to me at least…I mean it seems like the more I try to be a better person the worse I become...

“I just thought you shouldn’t be going through this alone that’s all.” He says and I nodded at him but when he reached for me I pulled back again…

“No but I have to.” I tell him and he looked at me in disagreement.

“But why?” He says once more and I sighed. I mean I know he knew, and I really didn’t want to get into my personal struggles right now… “You never have to be alone Elle. I will always be here for you.” He says and I could tell by looking in his eyes that he meant it…”Even when Gerard’s not.” He then adds and I frowned.

“What the hell does that mean?” I blurt out and he shrugged like he didn’t want to say it but since I asked he would…

“He should be in here –helping you.” He says and I shook my head in disagreement.

No this was helping me… Gerard was helping me, Bob just didn’t see it…

"But no...instead he's out there fucking-“ He says waving his hand around in disgust and I frowned…

“Fucking what-?” I asked and he shifted his eyes from me and didn’t answer… “Bob!” I insist a little louder then I meant too.

“Shh. Elle, really.” He scolds me and I knew he wasn’t gonna tell me shit so I just tossed my hands up and headed towards the exit myself…I mean Bob said he was fucking doing something out there and I wanted to see what it was…

But its turns out it wasn’t a ‘what’ it was more like a ‘who’….
When I first stepped out I didn’t see Gerard anywhere, which immediately set off a panic inside me. I mean he said he’d be right here, in this very spot… and he wasn’t…

“Where is he Bob?” I cried out frantically gripping on to Bobs arm. Something horrible had happened I just knew it… I didn’t even let Bob answer me I just started carrying on hysterically…“Why the fuck did you leave him all alone out here like that! Damn it Bob.” I yelled at him my eyes filling up with tears.

“Take it easy Elle, he's fine- look he's right over there.” Bob tells me pointing across the lot to where Gerard was standing… and it was far. I mean he was clear across the entire parking lot, he was actually leaning against the brick wall of the building next door. That’s how far away he was. But what really got me was that he wasn’t alone…

He was with that girl from before, the one with the sad eyes and the red tipped hair…

“Who is that Bob?” I asked squinting at little as I looked over at them.

“I don't know, but she's pretty hot.” Bob sorta chucked and I narrowed my eyes slightly as I watched them. I mean what the fuck? She was just standing there talking with my Gerard, that little bitch… I mean I was too far away to hear what they were saying, but I didn’t like the way she was looking him -or at least the way I imagined that she was looking at him, since I was also too far to see their faces clearly…

“What are they doing?” I asked Bob and he looked like he was gonna say something but changed his mind at the last second and diverted his eyes from me… Fuck, that was bad… I mean that’s what he does when he doesn’t want to tell me something… what the hell was going on? Why is Gerard heading down an alley with some chick? Okay fine it wasn’t exactly an ‘alley’ but it was close enough…

I mean it was obvious they were trying not to draw attention to themselves. That they wanted some kinda ‘privacy’ cause why else would they be clear across the way like that…The whole thing just gave me a real nauseous feeling, particularly when he reached up and wrapped his arm around her shoulder as they turned slightly, facing the wall now… and then she laughed…she fucking laughed! At Gerard! And he's not even that funny!

I mean I couldn’t hear her laugh, but I could see it… She tossed her head back and her mouth was slightly open and she reached up and touched his arm and I knew he was smiling back and then that was just it… I mean I couldn’t watch anymore… I had to know what the fuck he was doing with her. Especially when he was suppose to be waiting for me… I mean that’s what he said. ‘I’ll be right out here if you need me Elle….’ Bullshit!

“Elle, wait!” I hear Bob call my name but I ignored him as I quickly dashed down the brick steps of the funeral home towards them… I wasn’t sure what was going on but I was sure as hell gonna find out…

I don't know if Gerard heard Bob yell my name or what but he turned around and saw me and for a split second he had this whole deer in the headlights look on his face when he saw me coming. And then the chick must’ve said something to him and I don't know…

I mean it was late and all, and the sun was setting but somehow it still seemed to be shining so brightly and the glare was just hitting me head on as I went towards them, but I swear I saw her hand him something that he shoved quickly into his coat pocket before stepping towards me...

“Aw Elle, you ready to go babe?” He says casually like I just did not catch him with some other girl! What a dick. I mean I caught him! Well I mean I did, but I didn’t… I mean they weren’t doing anything wrong but still…I caught him. And it was obvious by the way he was stepping back towards me that he did not want me talking to her… I mean he grabbed my arm and tried to tug me back but I wouldn’t move.

“Who is this Gerard?” I ask nodding towards the girl when it was obvious he wasn’t going to introduce me.

“What?” He says in an oh so obvious attempt to stall.

“Who is she Gerard?” I ask him repeating it a little slower this time and he shifted his eyes from me to her and didn’t say anything. “I mean she’s gotta a name right?” I snap at him and he looked at me like he had no idea what to say. “Or you just like talking to strangers in alleyways?” I questioned him. I mean what the fuck? He's off in some alley with some chick and he doesn’t even know her name? “I mean Bob said you were fucking-…”

“Bob?” Gerard snapped at me. “Bob sent you out here?” He grumbled under his breath and I frowned at him. I mean he was gonna try to blame Bob for this? What the hell?

“No Gerard don’t, I want to know who she is.” I shook my head insistently at him as he muttered something under his breath about Bob that I couldn’t quite make out…I mean he wasn’t gonna fucking change the subject on me…

“My name is Jay.” The girl says and I looked over at her a little lost. I mean first of all I wasn’t even talking to her, I was talking to Gerard. Fuck I had even forgotten that she was still standing there…

“J?” I repeat back to her. I mean that’s not a fucking name… “J like the letter J?” I ask her and Gerard rolled his eyes at me.

“No Elle, like the fucking cookie.” He says and I scrunched my face at him in confusion. The cookie? what the hell is he talking about? “I'm just kidding Elle.” He says and I shook my head slightly.

“I don't get it Gerard.” I tell him and he smiled looking down at me.

“Well, I'm shocked.” Jay says and I just looked at her blankly not sure of what she meant either… “I’ll catch you later Gee, thanks for the uh…help.” She sorta smiled as her voice trailed off and he nodded at her as she walked off.

“Thanks for the what?” I gasped at him and he just looked at me with that fucking blank stare of his.

“Hmm?” He replied reaching over and fussing with the buttons on my coat.

“What the fuck Gerard!?” I tell him, taking full advantage of how close he was to me by smacking my fist on his chest roughly. “Who was she?” I demand once more and he shrugged.

“She was one of Oliver’s friends Elle...” He says like he didn’t really know and I felt this throbbing headache building now… I hate when he fucking treats me like this…

“Oliver’s friend?” I repeat back to him and he nodded and said nothing else… “And her name is ‘J’?” I tell him and he sighed a little loudly at me like he didn’t know why I was making such a big deal of it…

“Uh yeah I guess.” He says and I frowned.

“Well how do you know her Gerard?” I asked him and he shrugged. “Well what did she mean you helped her?” I asked him and he still didn’t answer me. “Okay then what the hell did she give you?” I ask him reaching for his pocket and he pulled back from me.

“What?” He gasped a little as I tried to reach in his pocket.

“Gerard let me see!” I whined at him and he shook his head no at first but once I began punching him roughly in the stomach, he ‘surrendered.’

“Fuck, she didn’t give me anything Elle.” He sorta laughed as I began rummaging through his coat pocket.

“Then what's this?” I tell him my hand resting on something that felt small and papery. “Maybe her phone number? Hmmm?” I say snidely as I pulled the crumbled wad from his pocket.

Gerard just smiled as I held it up… it wasn’t a phone number, fuck it wasn’t even paper, it was a an old crumpled up 20 dollar bill…

“Elle come on.” He sighed as he held out his hand for me to give it to him but I wouldn’t… Something just wasn’t right… I couldn’t quite put my finger on it though…

“Gerard… I don't…” I sighed a little as I looked the bill over… I mean I could’ve sworn she handed him something and he shoved it into his pocket… into this pocket! I know I wasn’t crazy… I squinted my eyes as I examined the bill closely in my hands.

I mean maybe she wrote something on it? Like her phone number or a maybe secret message? Or I don't know…maybe directions to where they were gonna meet up later? I wasn’t sure what I was looking for, but it didn’t matter cause the only thing written on the bill was the serial number so unless D37886898 has some kinda significance that I didn’t know about, it was just a plain old bill…

“Elle really, what's the matter with you huh?“ He says and I looked down a little shamed.

“I don't know I just… I wouldn’t blame you Gerard.” I tell him and he cocked his head to the side a little as he looked at me, waiting for me to continue…”I mean especially now with all this shit with Will, I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted…” I tried to tell him but it was just too hard to get out…

“Didn’t we just talk about this?” He says softly and I nodded. I mean we did… it was just my own stupid insecurities rearing their ugly heads once more…”Didn’t I tell you I love you Elle? Only you?” He says and I sighed softly.

“Yes Gerard. And I'm sorry…. I'm sorry I'm such a mess.” I say and he frowned at me. He hated when I talked bad about myself but it was true… “I mean that’s why I would understand if you wanted- I just… I would just hope then if you ever decide.” I start to tell him and he shook his head no. “Just listen to me a second Gerard.” I tell him. “When you go.” I say and he frowned. “Okay if you go, if you ever decide to go, I just wish you’d have the guts to say it and not fuck around on me with some chick in an alleyway, that’s all.” I tell him and he smiled a little amused.

“Is that it Elle?” He says and I nodded weakly. I mean that was all I really had to say… Gerard had given me so much already…

“Yeah that’s it.” I sighed a little as he reached up and wiped the tears in my eyes away.

“You know, I don't know where you get these fucking ideas from, I really don’t.” He tells me and I shrugged.

“I don't know either.” I replied softly and he leant over and kissed the top of my head lightly.

“So then um, I guess you’re ready to go?” He asks me and I shook my head no, reality smacking me in the face once more…

“Oh uh no, Gerard I still haven’t talked to his parents.” I tell him frantically and he frowned.

“Well then what the hell are you doing out here?” He says to me and I bit my lip a little as I looked up at him…

“I don't know. Bob said…” I start to tell him and he just flipped.

“Bob said what exactly? I mean he did he send you out here-?” He snapped at me and I shook my no head quickly.

“No he didn’t. I mean he said… well, he didn’t actually say anything. I just… I'm sorry Gerard, I over reacted, its not Bobs fault.” I stammered as I stared down at the crumbled bill still in my hand…Gerard just kinda sighed as he looked down at it too and then he pulled his wallet out, still not saying anything to me. “I mean you said you were gonna be right outside waiting for me.” I tell him and he nodded.

“I am.” He replied and I shrugged.

“I know.” I tell him remorsefully. “And you’ve never given me any reason not to trust you Gerard and I'm sorry.” I tell him as he took the bill from me. He kinda paused as he looked down at it.

“You can trust me Elle.” He says and I just got this strange vibe from him… He had this funny look in he's eyes for a second…”I promise I will do whatever it takes to take care of you.” He says to me and I just looked at him a little confused. “I will never cheat on you Elle and I will never hurt you. I hope you know that” He says with such confidence that I found myself looking down remorsefully once more.

“I do know that Gerard.” I tell him and he nodded as he slipped the bill into his wallet now. “Wait.” I tell him as he shut it. “Gimme that back.” I ask him holding my hand out and he raised his eyebrow up at me slightly.

“For what?” He replied.

“For Bob.” I tell him and he smirked in amusement. “For gas Gerard!” I exclaimed. “I mean he fucking drove us all the way here.” I tell him and he just crossed his arms on his chest and made no motion to pull the money back out. “You know what, I’ll just-” I tell him shifting my purse on my shoulder and he frowned.

“No Elle, here, I got it.” He says pulling a 20 from his wallet begrudgingly and handing it to me. As soon as I took it from him I knew it wasn’t the same one… I mean it was crispier and shit… And I just got this awful feeling like maybe he did it intentionally…. Like maybe he wanted to keep ‘Jays’ bill for some reason… fuck. Maybe there really was a secret message on it!

“This isn’t the one Jay gave you.” I say in a slightly accusatory tone.

“What?” He says looking at me like I had lost my mind.

“This isn’t the 20 I just gave you. This isn’t the one from Jay.” I repeat louder and slightly more hysterical sounding now…

“Elle-“ He says tossing his hands up slightly and I reached to snatch his wallet from him and he frowned. “What the fuck?” He snaps at me.

“I want the one ‘Jay’ gave you.” I tell him crossing my hands on my chest in anger. “Unless it’s got some other significance to you.” I tell him and he blinked a few times as he looked at me…

“Elle are you kidding me?” He finally says and I shook my head no as he took the crisper 20 back from me and shoved it back in his wallet.

“No and don't try to pull any funny shit either Gerard. I saw the serial number.” I tell him and he shook his head slightly amused as he thumbed through his wallet.

“Damn Elle, if I didn’t love you so much-“ He says and I tried not to smile. “What was the number?” He tells me and I paused a moment to think.

“I dunno something with a lot of eights.” I tell him and he smiled as he pulled a bill from his wallet and showed me... “Yup. That’s it.” I tell him as I took it from him.

“Elle after everything I just said to you.” He tells me and I tried not to smile.

“What can I say Gerard I may be crazy, but you know you wouldn’t want me any other way.” I tell him and he smiled back at me as he pulled me into his arms.

“Damn right.” He says as his lips came down onto mine… I would’ve stood there in that now dark alley kissing him all night if someone didn’t interrupt us…