FicWad

I say someone cause I didn’t know who the fuck it was, just some random dude cutting across the lot or something. And I know it wasn’t exactly the most ‘romantic’ spot, but it didn’t matter. I mean being in his arms, feeling his lips on mine, that was my idea of the perfect moment…

But he pulled back from me saying something about it getting late and I should go back in and find Oliver’s parents and talk to them or whatever else I had to do, so that we could leave… Once more I asked him if he wanted to come in with me and once again he declined. He told me he was gonna go ‘find’ Bob, but I don't know…something about the word ‘find’ made me uneasy… I mean the way he said it was like he was sorta pissed at him and I couldn’t figure out why…

I mean I don't really get why he was upset thinking that Bob sent me out, cause first of all Bob didn’t send me out. But even if he did, what was the big deal if Gerard wasn’t doing something wrong? But I don't know… things still weren’t adding up…

I didn’t really have time to obsess about it now, and I think even if I did, I didn’t have the energy…I went up the steps and back in to the funeral home, but before heading into the main room I decided to stop in the bathroom and check my makeup. I mean I was crying before and god bless who ever made waterproof mascara but I just wanted to double check my reflection before facing Oliver’s parents…

I opened the door and it was a small alcove of a room, looked creepily like the bathroom where papa’s funeral was, which was weird cause it wasn’t the same place… I guess they just design them all the same? I don't know, but there was this little wall, kinda like a privacy wall and as I stepped around it I saw her…

It was Jay or Kay or Zee or whatever the fuck letter her name was… She was leaning over the counter and when she saw my reflection behind her she kinda jumped a little startled.

“Oh fuck it’s you.” She gasped and once I saw what was all over the counter I knew why she was so jumpy… She had a few lines of coke cut up, all ready to go…

“Oh umm, I'm sorry.” I tell her and she shifted her eyes from me to the door before speaking again.

“Can you do me a favor and watch the door?” She says and I shrugged. I mean whatever, I didn’t really care… I didn’t know her, but it was like common courtesy you know?

“Uh yeah sure.” I tell her as I leant my foot against the door so no one could open it. “I mean did you want me to lock it?” I asked her and she scrunched her face at me slightly.

“The lock is broken, that’s why I asked you to watch it.” She says and I nodded stupidly. Well duh Elle, I mean you could tell just by looking at it that the lock was obviously busted… I mean that’s why she didn’t lock it herself… shit am I stupid sometimes…

I leant my head against the door and sorta looked down at me feet as I listened to her. I mean I could hear her inhaling it… I could practically feel it, I wanted it so bad. That sensation of instant relief, it was just so devilishly tempting sometimes…

“Fuck that’s some strong shit.” I hear her say and I glanced over at her. She had only did one line, and not even the whole thing… what a stupid girl. I mean she’s obviously not a slave to coke. I mean no legitimate coke fiend would’ve done that, plus if she was really into the whole drug scene I would’ve seen her around, but I never did…

I just stood there staring at her for a moment trying to figure out who the fuck she was…I wanted to just come right out and ask her how the hell she knew my Gerard. But I was scared that if I just started in on her with a bunch of intense questions that I would just end up scaring her, and then I wouldn’t get shit out of her… No, I had to handle this carefully….I mean I could be a manipulative bitch if I had to…and I got the feeling that I was going to have to…

“So you were friends with Oliver?…” I asked her trying to sound as casual as possible. I tried not to smile to myself as I spun around to face her, leaning my back against the door to hold it shut now. I mean I was incredibly pleased with myself. I thought that was a real good starting question, not to aggressive, not to specific but yet specific enough…

“Yeah we dated.” She replied her voice cracking slightly from the emotion, and just like that I folded. Whatever manipulative moves I was contemplating just went totally out the window.

“Oh gosh I'm so sorry.” I tell her and I meant it from the bottom of my heart, I really did. “That’s awful to lose some one you love like that…” I tell her and she nodded in agreement.

“Thanks, but we broke up a long time ago.” She replied and I frowned.

“How long ago?” I asked and she looked down at the coke on the counter.

“Oh um a few months ago.” She says and it was silent for a moment… Fuck, a few months wasn’t very long at all… And she was obviously hurting more then she wanted to admit. I mean she's fucking doing lines in the bathroom at his funeral for fuck’s sake, and she wasn’t a cokehead I could just tell…

“Yeah but still.” I tell her and she shrugged as she moved on to the next line and once more she didn’t make it to the end… Fuck she was just wasting it! I must’ve been frowning looking at her cause she looked at me questioningly and I quickly tried to bring the conversation back around… “You know you look kinda familiar to me.” I lie to her. “I mean have I seen you somewhere before?” I asked and she sorta smirked at me.

“Uh, doubtful.” She replied as she leant back over the counter. Okay so this wasn’t going well…I was getting the feeling she didn’t like me very much…

“So um how did you know Oliver?” I asked once again and she lifted her head up at looked at me in the mirror like she could not believe I just asked her that again… I mean fuck, I didn’t believe I asked her it again, but I was just all flustered and I wasn’t sure what to say… I know it was stupid but it I just wanted to like start the conversation over again... “I mean I know you said you dated him but honestly I’ve never seen you before.” I tell her and she arched her eyebrows up at me.

Fuck!! I had just told her she looked familiar and now I'm saying I've never seen her before! Damn… See this is why I don't lie! This is why I shouldn’t even try to lie…. Cause I suck…

“I mean you do look familiar, but you don't.” I start to babble and she sorta took a deep breath and looked over at me like she didn’t know why she was talking to me, either that or she was regretting asking me to watch the door for her… eh, probably a little of both… “I mean maybe I've seen you at the Hammonds? Like when you and Oliver were dating?” I ask her and she shook her head slightly in disagreement.

“Uh no we never really hung out at his house.” She tells me and I frowned…This so wasn’t going well…

“I use to date Paul.” I blurt out and she sorta smiled at me.

“Well good for you.” She says snappily back at me, and I got the feeling she was mocking me…

“He’s friends with Jeff.” I tell her and she nodded.

“Yeah I know.” She replied as she leant over the counter once more and I bit my lip a little as I watched her inhale it… I mean it I wanted it so badly… I could feel myself aching for it…

“I'm with Gerard now.” I tell her and she didn’t say anything…I mean she couldn’t really, she was still hunched over the counter…

“Hey, there’s one left you want it?” She says looking up at me and I instinctively opened my mouth to say yes, yes I did want it, but nothing came out…

I mean it was like a trick question…Hell yeah I wanted it, but I couldn’t… I mean all I could think of was Gerard… I couldn’t face the thought of seeing disappointment in his eyes. He was trusting me to do this alone, what would he say if he knew I was doing lines in the bathroom?

“Oh uh no that’s okay.” I tell her and she shrugged like it was no big deal as she leant back over for the last time... I mean she didn’t care either way, actually I think maybe she was glad I declined - more for her right? She only really offered me to be polite I suppose…

Once she finished, she ran the water in the sink and splashed some up on her face. Then she reached over and sorta brushed what was left on the counter into the sink and fuck, it was a lot… I mean she wasted so much, it was a shame…I don't know if she saw me looking longingly at it or what…

“Oh did you want it?-“ She says like maybe she thought she didn’t hear me right before…

“Oh no I'm good.” I tell her and she sorta smiled at me.

“Cause of Gerard?” She says and her words just caught me totally off guard. How the fuck did she know I was thinking of him? I mean that’s why I said no- cause of him, but how would she know that? I felt my pulse quickening now… I mean what else does she fucking know?

“What do you mean?” I gasped at her, trying to mask my surprise but doing a poor job of it. But it was okay cause I think she was too fucked up to notice it now…

“I mean if he was my boyfriend…fuck.” She kinda laughed and I smiled along but I wasn’t sure why… “I mean that’s gotta be great right?” She says and once more I nodded along, even though I was more confused as ever…

“Umm yeah, he's great.” I tell her as she examined her reflection in the mirror now…

“Yeah I don't know where he gets that shit from but its always good.” She says and my jaw dropped open.

“Shit?” I repeat back and she nodded.

“Well not ‘shit’ but you know what I mean!” She kinda laughed, damn she was flying now…

“Wait, are you saying that you bought that bag of coke from Gerard?! ”…

I just stood there looking at her in a total daze…

“My Gerard?” I kida whispered at her and she nodded… She fucking nodded at me…I could feel myself starting to lose control.

“Umm yeah.” She said absentmindedly as she shut the water off. And even with her standing right there in front of me, telling me yeah, I just refused to believe it. I mean there was no fucking way.

Or was there?! I mean it all started to make sense in a weird way, but there was still this part of me that refused to believe it…

I’ll do whatever it takes to take care of you… Isn’t that what he said? Well forgive me if I don't think that includes dealing drugs… and for what? I know he wasn’t doing that shit before cause he use to buy shit from Lia- unless he was just turning around and reselling it, but I doubt it… I mean I knew most of the people who dealt and he wasn’t one of them. No this was something new, but why? And then I just had this flashback to him looking over my bank statements and my credit card bills…

It was for the money…It had to be… I mean I don't know why I didn’t see it before. But what the fuck –it’s an incredibly stupid risk to take. I mean could he be so stupid as to put his foolish pride before his common sense like that.

Ah what am I saying? He's a man. Of course he is…

“So have you been with him long?” Jay says to me snapping me from my thoughts and I kinda shrugged not sure of how to answer. My mind was still spinning and I couldn’t focus at all...

“Oh yeah kinda.” I replied and she nodded.

“He’s a great guy.” She says sighing a little fondly as she thought of him and as I nodded along with her I bit my lip in anger. I mean what the fuck is she saying?

’…he's a great guy?’ Her words echoed in my head… Exactly how well does she fucking know him that she's saying he's a ‘great guy’! I mean he made it like he didn’t even know her name! -But then again he made it like he wasn’t doing anything wrong either!

“…and he's really funny.” She adds and I just couldn’t hold back any longer.

“Yeah he's a real fucking riot.” I snapped at her and she looked at me uneasily. “How long have you been buying shit from my boyfriend for?” I demand and she looked at me a little wide-eyed.

“What?” She sorta gasped.

“I asked you how long this has been going on?” I demand once more and she just blinked a few times and didn’t answer me. “I mean is that the only thing going on between you two?” I say hysterically and she opened her mouth to say something but before she could speak the door swung open and she shifted her eyes over to it.

It was some older woman I had never seen before coming in now, and just like that the conversation was over. I mean Jay certainly was not gonna answer me in front of this lady -and I didn’t expect her too. And the woman could definitely tell we were in the middle of something. I mean I was obviously worked up beyond belief now, and I guess she assumed since it was a funeral and all it had to do with Oliver…

But she smiled politely at us as she came over the sink area, so I tried to smile politely back, thinking she’d leave us alone, but no such luck. She said something about a tissue or I don't know…I was too busy glaring at Jay to be listening… I think she wanted to give me a tissue, or she asked if I needed a tissue, but I don't know.

Since I wasn’t really listening I just nodded along with whatever she was saying. And it wasn’t until she started digging through her insanely large purse to find me one that I realized what she was doing. Jay totally took advantage of this too and mumbled some kinda goodbye to me as she quickly darted out the door. What a little bitch…

I would’ve went charging out after her but I didn’t want to be rude to this lady. I mean for all I know she was Jeff’s grandmother or maybe his elderly aunt, or maybe just his someone who was close to his family. But even if she wasn’t, it didn’t really matter, my mother had raised me to be polite, and I sorta did unintentionally ask her for a tissue…

So I ended up waiting for what seemed like the longest moment in time ever, for her to pull a Kleenex from her purse. And then another awkward moment passed where I had to dab my eyes with it -like I actually needed it! Or why else would I have asked her for one.

“Thank you very much.” I finally tell her and she nodded and looked me over like I was the most pitiful thing she’d ever seen.

“You're welcome dear.” She says and I just got the feeling she was gonna start lecturing me, or something. I mean like she was gonna give me some words of advice or some shit… Old people love doing that. And normally I would’ve sat and listened to her, but I just couldn’t right now…

“Uh I gotta go, they're waiting for me…” I tell her and once she nodded seeming satisfied that I was okay, I darted out the door too… I couldn’t believe I just lied to this woman… I mean no one was waiting for me. I just… fuck… what the hell is wrong with me? I mean that’s like the second time I've lied today! And that woman did not deserve it…

I just decided that that was it… No more lies… I mean it didn’t get me anywhere… I should've just told Jay the truth too. No, now she thinks I'm some kinda a psycho or something, and I couldn’t blame her… I wanted to apologize to her too, but I didn't know where she went. And in the grand scheme of things it didn’t really matter anyway, since I’d probably never see her again. And I had other things on my mind… like finding Gerard…and killing him…

I mean I knew deep down inside there was no way he was cheating on me with her, and I don't know why I snapped at her like that… I just felt so betrayed by him… I mean he was the one who said if it’s not the whole truth then it’s a lie. And isn’t that what he’s been doing? Lying to me?

In a weird way I understood it… I mean he must’ve thought he was doing what was best or he wouldn’t have done it. I know him… I know how his mind works. He thinks that if he does something and even if it’s wrong, if it’s out of love for me then it’s justified, end of story.

But how does that phrase go? The road to hell is paved with good intentions? I mean maybe he wasn’t on his way to hell. I certainly don't think dealing drugs is a sin or anything, unless you're selling them to children or shit, but still… It wasn’t right. I mean maybe he wasn’t on his way to hell, but quite possibly he was on his way to jail. And that’s when it hit me…

My life felt like a sick twisted game all of a sudden… I just knew I was doomed… I was doomed to make the same mistakes as my mother… I mean Mr. Samuel said my father was a drug dealer and my mother was a whore and he ended up in jail and she ended up dying alone. And I just felt like that ‘that’ was gonna be my fate… like it had to be you know?

But fate… Fate has a funny way of working. You think you're destiny is one way. You resign yourself to the life that’s laid out for you…but it means shit.

All your plans, all your efforts, they mean shit cause fate has a way of getting what it wants…and after everything that has happened in my life, I should've known that… I should've known better.

I should've known that what I wanted didn’t really matter to fate...

The thoughts and anxieties were bouncing around in my head as I walked out of the bathroom and right into Bob’s arms. I mean I literally walked right into his arm. I guess cause I wasn’t paying attention or looking where I was going, I just smacked into him, pretty hard too. I had almost lost my balance but luckily he caught me before I fell...

“You okay there honey?” He says as he frowned looking down at the crumpled up Kleenex in my hand. He knew I was I was crying. I mean why else would I have a tissue.

“Oh yeah I'm fine.” I tell him as I stepped back from him but he still had his arm around me and he resisted in letting me go. “I'm fine Bob please!” I exclaimed as I wriggled out from under his arm.

“You sure?” He says and I pressed my lips together as I looked at him… I mean I had just realized that not only had Gerard lied to me, but Bob lied also… Cause he had to have known what was going on…

“When were you gonna tell me Gerard's been selling shit?” I ask him bluntly and his jaw dropped a little in shock but he recovered quickly.

“Not my place.” He replies and I shook my head in disagreement.

“You're my husband.” I point out and he sorta chuckled.

“And I promised I wouldn’t get in between you and him.” He says and I frowned… I mean he never promised that to me? And why would he have promised that to Gerard?

“Bob what the fuck?” I tell him and he shook his head a little as he looked around.

“Not now Elle.” He tells me like this wasn’t the place to be discussing it and I rolled my eyes. I mean I knew he was right, but it didn’t make it suck any less…

“Whatever.” I tell him and he shoved his hand into his pocket to pull out his keys.

“So you ready to go?” He says and I shook my head no.

“Oh no, Bobby. I still haven’t talked to his parents yet.” I tell him anxiously and he shifted his eyes around the room.

“Well then come on already.” He says taking my hand and pulling me behind him. “It’s getting late, and we have to get going.” He tells me and before I can protest, he had led me over to where Oliver’s parents were standing…

“Wait!” I sorta gasped a little. I mean I wasn’t ready! I still needed time to think about what I was gonna say! I mean I was gonna slowly build up my courage and approach them gently when it felt right… But Bob had just kinda grabbed me and flung me towards them and I was totally unprepared. I felt totally exposed, I mean it just wasn’t right what he did…

“Mr. and Mrs. Hammond?” He says to them and Mr. Hammond turned to us first. And damn what a sight it must’ve been. I mean Bob was dressed in his street clothes; I was too for that matter. But I had this whole terrified look plastered on my face -I could just feel it… “I'm Bob Bryar, I went to school with your son.” He says extending his hand out to them.

“Oh yes, hello.” Mr. Hammond replied as he shook it.

“This is my wife Elle.” He says introducing me and I cringed… I mean he did not just do that!

He did not just introduce me as his wife to Oliver’s parents!

“Oh!” Mrs. Hammond says a little surprised. “I didn’t realize you had gotten married Elle.” She says and I forced a smile as I looked over at my darling husband.

“Um yeah I did.” I say through gritted teeth but I don't think they noticed.

“Mmmm.” Mrs. Hammond nodded slightly as some sorta congratulatory gesture I suppose… I mean it’s her son’s funeral for fuck sake. And it just hit me so hard. It was just such a tremendous gesture on her part. I mean pretending to be happy for me… knowing that her son will never get married, never have kids, fuck he never even graduated high school…

And for what? He traded his whole life…his whole life for what?! A quick high? A momentary escape? A feeling of bliss and numbness? And as fleeting as it was… was it enough?

I could only hope that Oliver had some found peace now… And I told them that. I mean I didn’t know what else to say, but it just didn’t seem to be enough…They kinda just nodded and thanked us for coming, but it felt empty…

And that’s cause it probably was… I mean I remember distinctly doing the same fucking thing at my papa’s funeral, which was exactly why I didn’t want to come. I hated funerals, I mean I suppose everybody does, but as we turned to walk away I found myself silently hoping that I wouldn’t have to go to another one for a very long time.

“Oh Elle, wait.” Mr. Hammond called out and my whole body tensed up… I mean I knew it was coming… It was just too easy you know? Like I said sorry and they said thanks and that was it…Pauls words were echoing in my head, that they wanted to talk to me…

“Yes?” I say weakly bracing myself for the onslaught I expected… I mean they probably hated me. Fuck I hated me…

“The service that was set for tomorrow is being moved up to 1 pm.” Mr. Hammond says and I just looked at him not sure of what to say. “If you were planning on coming back.” He adds and I nodded.

“Oh okay.” I find myself telling him and then he turned back to his wife and I just stood there a little confused still… l mean that was it? That’s what he wanted to tell me? Why did I think it was gonna be something bad?

“Come on honey.” Bob says squeezing my hand lightly and I just looked at him as we walked out of the room and back into the hallway. “You alright? You look pale.” He tells and I bit my lip a little as I looked at the floor.

“I thought he was gonna say something else.” I whispered and Bob wrapped his arm around me quietly.

“You thought they were gonna say it was your fault.” He whispers back at me and I nodded as my eyes filled up with tears.

“Yeah.” I sniffled as he pulled me tighter to him.

“But they didn’t- did they?” He says softly and I had to shake my head in agreement. “That’s cause it’s not Elle.” He says reaching up and wiping the tears from my cheek now… “It’s no ones fault you know?” He says and I frowned.

“But I could’ve stopped him.” I try to tell Bob and he shook his head no.

“No Elle, that’s not how it works.” He says and I felt my lip quivering…

‘I could’ve stopped him…I should've stopped him…’ I thought to myself but once more I must’ve been thinking out loud cause Bob heard me.

“You wanna play that game Elle?” He says and I looked at him in confusion.

“What game?” I say a little annoyed.

“Well, I could say it was my fault, that I should've stopped him.” He says and I frowned.

“Don't be ridiculous Bob.” I tell him. I mean he was making light of it…

“No, I talked to Oliver that morning.” He says and I looked at him in disbelief.

“You did?” I asked and he nodded.

“Yeah I saw him heading out to the woods to ditch.” He says and I frowned. “I could’ve stopped him, told a teacher or something.” He adds and I hated to admit that he was making sense…

“Yeah but I was there Bob. I could’ve taken the can from him you know?” I say getting all wound up again.

“It wouldn’t have mattered Elle.” Bob says lifting my chin up. He wanted me to look at him as he spoke but I wouldn’t… “It wasn’t just the paint, he was on a lot of shit.” Bob says and I shrugged along…

I mean I wasn’t really sure… All I knew was what Mr. Samuel had told me and he said he suffocated himself and all I could see when I shut my eyes was that bag up against his face… If I only I had snatched it from him…

“And Gerard could say the same thing.” Bob points out and I frowned.

“What?” I said confused once more.

“I mean if he didn’t sell him that shit that morning…”