FicWad

“…he should be in here with you Elle.” Bob says once more and I frowned. I mean maybe I'm hearing shit, but I could’ve sworn that Bob just said Gerard was the one who sold that shit to Oliver…

“Bob wait, go back.” I tell him and he shook his head a little as he continued to speak over me.

“Naw Elle, I know you love him but-“ He says and I got this memory of my grandpa all of a sudden.

He always use to say whenever someone says that, like ‘blah blah blah but’- it means like forget everything I just I said, what I really mean is what I'm gonna say now….

“But he's a pussy assed motherfucker.” Bob grumbled referring to Gerard and I frowned. “I mean he fucking sits there preaching to you about making amends?” Bob says and I felt my heart tightening up… I mean I was sure now that I didn’t mishear him before… Gerard did sell Oliver the shit that killed him. No wonder why he didn’t want to come in.

And what the fuck! I mean you think that would be lesson enough right? To make him stop and reconsider… But no -he's out there fucking selling shit to Oliver’s ex girl friend no less!?! No wonder why Bob was so fucking upset before…

“I have to go find Gerard.” I blurt out interrupting him and he just looked at me with this apathetic look.

“You don't know where he is?” He said sighing slightly in annoyance and I shook my head no. I mean I know Bob was pissed that I lost him. He wanted to leave a long time ago… Fuck, he didn’t even want to come and we’ve been here so long already… I think maybe he had a date or something he was late for, I don't really know…

“Look if you have to go, then just go Bob its all right.” I tell him as I rubbed the sides of my head… It felt like I was on the fucking titanic all of a sudden. And I couldn’t blame Bob for wanting to hop in a lifeboat and get the hell out of here, but I was staying with Gerard... Fuck I’d go down with him if I had to…

“Elle, I'm never gonna leave you, -you're my wife, honey.” He says and I just felt this anger swell inside me… I mean that’s like the fucking millionth time he's thrown that in my face today.

“Yeah well he's not my husband but I'm never gonna leave Gerard, okay Bob?” I snap back at him with out thinking. And I thought he was gonna get pissed or something but he didn’t. He just swallowed a little as he shifted his eyes from me…

“Well then lets find him so we can go.” He says in a deadpan tone as he took me by the arm and dragged me down the hall… It was like he knew exactly where Gerard was too, cause he seemed to have no problem finding him.

He was standing in the doorway with Jay of all people… He had his back to us and she would’ve seen us coming up to him if she wasn’t so busy gazing up adoringly at him…

“I really am sorry Gee.” I heard her tell him apologetically. “I didn’t know that she didn’t know.” She says and I knew she was talking about me… Well whatever. Now he knows that I know, it’ll save me the trouble of having to explain how I found out to him…

“That’s alright Jade.” He says and I froze up. Jade? What the fuck? He goes from not knowing her name at all -to an initial- and now it’s a full-blown word? Although she should've just stuck with the letter, I mean Jade is a sucky name…

“You guys aren’t like serious though?” She says to him with that same tone Heather used on me that day… Like she was lowering her voice as to not embarrass him. Bob went to make a motion to get their attention but I reached up and stopped him.

I wanted to hear what he was gonna answer her. I mean I needed to hear how he was gonna answer her. It felt like our whole relationship was gonna be decided by his answer and the poor guy didn’t even know it…

“Well yeah Jade.” He replied and I just felt this wave of relief pass through me…

“Oh well, it’s just, she doesn’t seem your type.” Jade proceeds to tell him and he laughed lightly.

“Well she's nothing like you.” He says sorta winking at her and I just instinctively stepped forward and blurted out the first thing in my head.

“Uh no I'm not.” I said kinda loudly and Gerard just looked over at me a little startled like he wasn’t sure how long I was standing there, but if the look on my face was any indication then he knew it was long enough. I felt like I had been slapped. I mean everything I thought was true was just coming undone right before my eyes…

I guess Jade took this as her cue cause once more she seemed to vanish on me and for a split second Gerard looked like he wished he could disappear too…

“You ready?” He says casually and I just freaked. I mean what the hell? He knows that I know that he knows that I know and he's just gonna ignore it! He can’t do that!

“Gerard!” I kinda gasped at him and he shifted his eyes slightly... I mean if he thought he was gonna just play this off and give me that whole ‘the ends justify the means’ speech he was crazy…

But first things first… I had to know who that Jade chick was to him…

“Did you use to date her?” I ask him and he glanced over his shoulder in the direction she went…. I was half expecting him to say ‘date who?’ but I guess he could tell I was seriously on edge and decided to just answer me.

“Uh date… no.” He says and I squinted as I looked at his eyes to see if he was lying. But I don't know why he would lie… I mean if they dated people would know. I could easily find out.

“So you and her…?” I asked and he licked his lip a little and didn’t answer me and this wave of nausea passed over me. “Oh god!” I said a little disgusted. I mean could tell by the way he shifted his eyes from me…he fucked her! He had to have.

“What?” He says defensively and I frowned as we went outside now.

“When was this Gerard?” I ask him trying not to sound too disgusted but it wasn’t working so well. He just shrugged as we walked over to Bobs’ car, me glaring at him until he answered.

“A long fucking time ago Elle.” He finally says as he opened up the car door for me.

“Before we got together?” I asked and he turned slightly and gave me this look like he couldn’t believe I asked him that.

“Of course Elle!” He says and I lowered my eyes slightly as I thought about it…

“So this was after Jessica?” I asked him as he lit his cigarette up. He was sitting up front with Bob and I was in the back. Bob was driving obviously…pretending not to listen but I could tell he was…

“What?” Gerard shook his head like he didn’t hear me, so I repeated it.

“Like after you and Jessica broke up but before me?” I asked once more and I could see Bob kinda glancing at him out of the corner of his eye… I guess the name ‘Jessica’ caught his interest… Shit… I hope Bob’s not into Jessica… Fuck! Maybe that’s who he was suppose to meet tonight! Maybe that’s why he's all pissy… I found myself pouting at the thought of Jessica spending time with my Bobby…

“Uh yeah I guess.” Gerard replied as he took a deep drag off his cigarette and I found myself pouting now at the thought of him and ‘Jade’… Little fucking bitch… So she did know how great he was…

“So that’s it- you guys were reliving some memories?” I snapped at him and I honestly didn’t mean to… I was just so possessive over him all of a sudden…

“What do you mean?” He replied and I frowned. He knew what I fucking meant…

“Whatever Gerard.” I sorta sighed at him .”So like, that was it, Jessica, Jade- there was no one else in there?” I ask him and he shrugged. “Gerard!” I insisted and he reached over and flicked his cigarette out the window even though he was only halfway done with it…

“I don't know…and um Jennifer.” He kinda mumbled as he lit a fresh one up and I just laughed in frustration.

“You do know my name is Michelle.” I tell him and he looked at me like what the fuck was I saying…”I mean cause it seems like you only like to fuck girls who’s names start with the letter J.” I tell him and Bob sorta chuckled.

“Elle.” Gerard said turning and holding his hand up at me to stop. “You wanna do this?” He says and I lowered my eyes down… I knew what he meant. I mean we agreed to keep the past the past and I was fine with it when it was my past being hidden, but now that was it his…

“No Gerard.” I tell him remorsefully… I mean it just wasn’t worth it… “I just don't understand.” I tell him weakly. And he kinda sighed as he looked at me… I knew what he was gonna say, he was gonna tell me he loved me and all this crap that I've heard before… “I just don't understand why you thought that’d be okay.” I tell him totally switching the subject but I knew he was following along… I could see it in his eyes.

“For you.” He says and I shook my head a little at his answer. I mean it was bull… I didn’t need the money. I had more then enough for the both of us… This was about him and his pride…He knew it and I knew it… “Elle-“ He began to say and then glanced over at Bob and changed his mind…

I guess he didn’t want to ‘discuss’ it in front of Bob but whatever. I mean I didn’t see the difference, I was gonna end up telling Bob everything he said later anyway. He was my best friend, and that’s what you do…

“Still Gerard.” I tell him and he sorta frowned at me. It was like we were having the argument in our heads and we sorta were. I mean we had been through this so many times, I knew what he was gonna say and he knew what I was thinking…

“Elle when we get married and have kids I wanna be able to say-“ He begins and I couldn’t help but smirk.

“You're gonna say what Gerard?” I tell him a little amused. “I mean kids boast their daddy is a fireman or a cop or some shit. Not a drug dealer -or a convict.” I say rolling my eyes at him slightly. I mean while I was glad he had a new point to argue I was disappointed by the lameness of it…

“Elle!” He says like I was missing his whole point and maybe I was… I don't know…

“Wait, you guys are gonna try to have kids?” Bob sorta interrupted and Gerard sorta frowned looking over at him.

“Well once Elle’s done with college.” He tells him and my jaw dropped open slightly.

“College?!” I sorta gasped at him and he nodded. “Who said I'm going to college?” I asked him in amazement.

“I said.” He says matter of factly and I couldn’t help but smile at him.

“So now we’re going to college?” I asked him in amusement. I mean who knew Gerard had such plans for the future?

“Uh no, not me, -you.” He says pointing at me and I smirked once more at his craziness...

“And what are you gonna do Gerard?” I asked just for the hell of it…

“I'm gonna work with my uncle for a few years, save up. Maybe by the time you graduate we can move the fuck out of Jersey, maybe somewhere warmer.” He says nodding slightly and I just looked at him a little shocked. I mean he was speaking with such conviction…

Fuck, he really did put a lot of thought into this, he wasn’t just talking shit… and all that time I worried what he was doing with me. If he was just passing time or what…I felt so foolish for doubting him…

”You said six years, right Elle?” He says I smiled as I remembered what he was saying… I mean I was just teasing him that day… “Two kids in six years?” He tells me and I felt my heart fluttering lightly in my chest now. Maybe it was from the anticipation, or just from the realization that even though I still didn’t have his ring on my finger, that I just didn’t need it…

“Yeah Gerard, six years...” I tell him as this intense feeling of my love for him just consumed me…It was just everything I wanted in life and it had never felt so close to happening before…

“I didn’t think-“ Bob sorta shrugged like he was debating on saying what he wanted to or not.

“Think what Bobby?” I encouraged him and he sorta frowned as he looked at me and then at Gerard.

“I thought they said in the hospital that-“ He started to say and once more stopped himself once more. He paused for a moment before continuing… “You know cause of the shock and all that you might not…“ He says his voice trailing off but he didn’t have to finish his sentence, I knew what he was getting at…

“that I might not be able to have kids…” I whispered back at him and it was deathly silent for a moment… I mean that’s what he wanted to say… That’s what the doctors said that day, but Gerard told me it was bullshit… that they didn’t know what the fuck they were talking about…

And just like that. I felt my bubble burst. Like literally I could see all my dreams just disintegrate right before my eyes. I could feel the blood drain from my face as I leant back against the seat, trying to block the memories from invading my mind…

“What the fuck dude!” Gerard yelled out loudly and I thought I had just flinched at how loud his voice was but as I continued to tremble I found myself pulling my knees up to my chest and shrinking back even deeper against the seat. My own personal hell consuming me once more…

I don't know if Bob said something back cause I was just consumed with this hollowness all of a sudden, in my head, in my heart, in my ears even…

“Elle!” Gerard said forcefully but I couldn’t move. “Look at me Elle.” He says a bit louder.

And as I looked up at him through my blurry eyes I could suddenly taste blood… I mean I was biting my lip that hard and I didn’t even feel it…

“You stay with me Michelle, you hear me?” He says and hearing him say my name like that just sorta snapped me back and I reached up and wiped my lip…

“yeah okay.” I barely whispered back at him… stay with him… That’s what he would say when he would feel me slipping away…And I had promised him a long time ago that I would…That I would hold on to life as long as I had him…

“You want to have my baby Elle?” He says softening his voice down and I feebly nodded at him. “Then you will Elle.” He says with the same amount of conviction in his voice as before, if not more. “God… God is not that cruel, you understand me?” He says and I nodded half-heartedly. I mean he seemed so sure but I wasn’t…

I guess my nod was agreement enough cause he kinda turned back in his seat slightly, either that or he was just reaching to light another cigarette up. Whatever the case it was dead silent in the car for a moment. I reached over and opened my window a bit, letting the cool air hit my lungs… I listened to the faint howling of the wind entering the car and sorta shut my eyes as I tried to clear my head…

“I don't think its right man to fucking give her hopes like that.” I hear Bob say. I mean he was trying to keep his voice low, but I could hear him anyway.

“You need to mind your fucking business.” Gerard snaps at him and all of a sudden Bob sorta slammed on the brakes and we came to a sudden stop and I panicked… I mean was he just gonna kick us out of the car? I know him and Gerard having been seeing eye to eye lately but come on! Its dark out!

I opened my eyes up quickly as I heard Gerard opening his door and I exhaled in relief when I realized we were in front of the hotel, that’s why we stopped… cause we were here…

“I’ll pick you up in the morning.” Bob says and I don't know if he was directing it at me or at Gerard or both of us, but Gerard sorta laughed sharply as he got out.

“Don't bother. I’ll call Ray.” He says and then he slammed his door. I thought he was gonna reach over and open my door and yank me out too but he didn’t… He actually walked over to the trunk and started taking all my bags and shit out… I kinda shook my head at him as he did it too. I mean there was way too many of them for him to carry by himself. And I knew he wasn’t gonna ask Bob for help… No… once more Gerard’s pride was gonna be running the show…

“Thanks for the ride Bobby.” I say leaning forward and Bob sorta sighed as he looked at me.

“Elle.” He says like either he wasn’t sure what he wanted to say, or maybe he just had too much to say but not enough time…

“I’ll talk to him Bobby.” I say nodding in Gerard's direction and Bob sorta smiled.

“I'm more worried about you.” He says and I smiled.

“Well don't be, I’ll be fine.” I tell him and he glanced in the review mirror at Gerard. “You just pick us up in the morning- but not too early.” I tell him and he sorta looked at me funny. “Don't tell me you forgot our date with Burt.” I tell him and he sorta smiled.

“I thought it was Sinatra.” He says and I wrinkled my face in confusion.

“No Bob, Burt’s a penguin at the aquarium.” I explain to him and he laughed. “I mean you're still bringing me right?” I ask nervously and he glanced in the rearview mirror at Gerard once more.

“A date with my wife?” He says grinning at me. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world honey.” He winks at me and I smiled as he reached up and kissed my cheek lightly. Suddenly there was a loud bang as Gerard slammed the trunk shut.

“I better go.” I tell him reaching for my door. “I’ll see you tomorrow husband.” I say not being able to resist the opportunity to tease him as I got out.

“Yeah…’till tomorrow Elle…”