FicWad

Gerard and I made it up to my hotel room somehow… I mean at first he totally resisted my help with the bags. But I just sorta snatched some from him and somehow we made it in okay. He really hadn’t said a word to me since Bob drove off either… I mean we talked, but it was just the usual crap… you know like ‘can you get the door’ and ‘where did you put the key’ and ‘hurry up-I'm freezing my ass off’ and shit like that, nothing important…And it sucked because there was just so much still that needed to be said, and I didn’t know where to start. I don't think he did either…

Either that, or he was scared that it wasn’t gonna go well cause as soon as I went to say something about us needing to talk, he mumbled ‘uh, be right back’ and quickly dashed into the bathroom shutting the door closely behind him. I couldn’t help but laugh to myself, I mean he was like the fucking cowardly lion. Big fucking bad ass drug dealer in the street right? But yet now… Now he's afraid of me? Little ol’ me! Like what the hell I'm gonna do to him…

I just sort of chuckled to myself as I started absentmindedly emptying my shopping bags in to the drawers. I was making pretty good progress to until Gerard came up behind me.

“What the hell you doing Elle?” He said looking down at me. I was sitting on the floor with crap spread all around. I mean I figured it was better to take the tags and shit off as I put the clothes away, that was all… But looking around now I guess I was kinda making a mess.

“Oh I’ll clean it up.” I tell him waving my hand in the air slightly and he sorta smiled.

“No, you can put it all away, that’s what you can do.” He says and I frowned a little confused.

“I am putting it away.” I tell him and he shook his head and held up and empty bag. Holy shit he meant put it away in the bags! He wanted me to pack up the bags up again. I just kinda looked at him in shock and he frowned.

“Elle, you didn’t think we were gonna stay here?” He says and I did! I did think we were gonna stay here!

“No you said!” I tell him a little loudly. I mean he was making it like he didn’t know where had I gotten such an idea from! “Before! At school! Remember! You said we were coming here!” I cried out and he nodded.

“Yeah but just for tonight though Elle.” He says and I just tossed my hands up in frustration at him.

“No I'm not doing this Gerard.” I tell him my words reflecting the anger that was building inside me… l was getting all aggravated with him now and what was making it worse was the fact that he was kinda looking at me like he didn’t know what was I talking about! “I'm not fucking moving shit every time you change your mind.” I tell him as I snatched the empty shopping bag from him and crumbled it up into a little ball. “It’s only a few more nights, just let it go.” I tell him as I tossed it into the trash and he sighed loudly at me as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

“So you're saying if I go home tomorrow night, you're not coming with me?” He says and I just looked at him. It was seemingly a simple question -but things aren’t always what they seem…

“No of course I’d go with you Gerard. I promised I would.” I tell him and I could see his mood quickly lifting, “But what I'm not gonna do.” I tell him firmly. “I'm not gonna be fucking packing all my shit up and carrying it around with me every fucking day. It can just stay here until I go home.” I tell him and he nodded like he thought that was a good idea too. “I’ll just bring a few things to your house tomorrow.” I sorta shrugged as I pulled some clothes back out and left them on the side…

“You don't have to do it now Elle.” He sorta chuckled and I spun to face him a thought suddenly hitting me.

“Oh shit Gerard! You don't have anything!” I tell him and he looked at me a little funny like he wasn’t following along. “You don't have anything to sleep in!” I cried out and he grinned as he stood up.

“Sure I do Elle…” He says his grin growing wider as he stepped towards me. “…you.” He adds and I felt my cheeks flush at his words…

“Gerard don't think you're just gonna fucking-“ I muttered at him as he grabbed me and tossed me down on the bed, pinning me underneath him.

“Fucking?” He mumbled back at me as he pressed his face into my neck. “That’s exactly what I was thinking…” He says sliding his hand up my shirt and I pushed him back from me.

“Gerard!” I whined and I guess he could tell by my tone I wasn’t kidding. I mean he wanted to just go to bed and put everything behind us and I wasn’t able to just forget so easily…

“Aw Elle.” He sorta sighed in defeat as he shifted his weight off of me. I mean he was still on top of me, just more to the side now.

“I just wanna know why Gerard.” I tell him softly and he didn’t say anything. “I just don't get why would you do that? And don't say for me.” I tell him and he shifted once more.

“But it is.” He says and I frowned. “It was.” He corrects himself but I still continued to frown.

“No I mean like where did you get that idea from? Why would you think that?” I ask him and he sorta sighed at me.

“Lia.” He finally says and I pressed my lips together tightly.

“Lia!?” I repeat back a little shocked. I mean that was the last thing I expected to hear come out of his mouth. I swear to God if Lia had anything to do with this I'm gonna kill her...

“She said like how I can’t take care of you Elle.” He tells me lowering his voice down and I just felt this aching sensation through out my body.

“Gerard, you said it yourself, Lia talks a lot of shit.” I try to tell him but he shook his head no.

“And I also said that not all of it’s shit.” He points out and I frowned. “She was right about that much Elle. I can’t take care of you.” He sort of sighed as he rolled off of me. He was now lying on the bed next to me, his body stretched out and his arms extend behind his head… And maybe it was cause he just wasn’t touching me but he felt so far away… And not just physically, it was like he was pulling back from me emotionally and it scared me terribly…

“Gerard no that’s bull Lia doesn’t know shit about us.” I said as forcefully as I could muster. But I kinda felt like he wasn’t listening to me. I wonder if that’s how I seem to him sometimes… “Let me tell you something… Gerard Way.” I say to him as I climbed up on top of him, straddling him between my legs. And when he looked up at me I knew I had captured his attention completely now.

Maybe it was cause I was straddling him. Maybe it was cause I had never really called him by his full name before, but I figured he always gets my attention when he calls me ‘Michelle’ so it was worth a shot…

“Everything I need Gerard.” I tell him running my hand along his chest, swirling it around his heart… “Everything I need is right here.” I tell him and he sorta smiled as he placed his hand on top of mine.

And then without warning he just flipped me off of him. Briskly pinning me back underneath him and I let out a soft gasp as he did it… He ran his eyes down me slightly and when he looked back up I couldn’t help but smile.

“I'm sorry if I hurt you.” He says and I shook my head no.

“You didn’t hurt me, you just surprised me. That’s why I went ‘ahhhh’. ” I tried to mimic the sound I had just made and he smiled at me.

“I didn’t mean just now Elle.” He says softly lowering his eyes from me and I reached up and ran my hand through his hair as I looked at him… He meant from before…for all the lies… Well maybe they weren’t ‘lies’, but they weren’t ‘truths’ either…

“I know Gerard.” I tell him and he licked his lips a little as he looked at me.

“Do you?” He replied softly and I nodded. I mean I could tell he was sorry and it was enough. I wasn’t gonna make him suffer anymore then he was. It was killing me to see him hurting…

I reached up and pulled his lips to mine and for a moment it was like pure bliss. But then he pulled back from me and started mumbling something else about being sorry and I nodded that it was okay once more before pulling him back into my kiss…

A kiss that was yet again broken by his words…. Words that I just didn’t want to hear anymore… I mean how many times can he say he's sorry?

“Really Gerard, stop. I don't want to talk about it anymore.” I tell him and he sorta looked at me like I don't know…

Like he still felt guilty maybe? Like he wanted me to keep reassuring him and I couldn’t… All I could think about was what Bob said -about Gerard selling that shit to Oliver, and I don't know. If he wanted redemption, he was gonna get it from me…

“I just need to know Elle.” He says and I bit my lip a little.

“Well, then you should've went in to Oliver’s funeral Gerard.” I tell him a little exasperated now, and he lifted his body off of me slightly.

“Okay first it wasn’t a funeral -it was just a wake Elle.” He tells me and I made a face. Like it fucking mattered what it was called. “And secondly –why?” He says and I rolled my eyes.

“I don't know Gerard.” I sorta snapped back at him. “Maybe to make peace you know? I mean you're obviously looking for some kinda forgiveness -no? Isn’t that what you preached to me? For me to ‘let it go’” I asked him and he just looked at me like he had not a clue what I was saying.

“You're saying you didn’t make peace?” He says cautiously and I just scoffed at him.

“Uh no I did, but maybe you should've.” I tell him and once more he looked at me confused.

“I should because-“ He says encouraging me to finish his sentence… Oh this was just unbelievable! I mean I've heard of denial but this was ridiculous!

“Cause you sold that shit to Oliver, the shit that killed him.” I tell him shaking my head slightly. I mean he wanted me to spell it out for him- so I did.

“Whoa, who the fuck told you that?” He sorta gasped at me with an innocence to his voice that I didn’t really pick up at first…”Elle!” He demands, wanting to know the name of his accuser, and once I said it, I wished I didn’t…