FicWad

The paths in the woods were narrow. But there seemed to be a full moon cause it was eerily bright out for being night. And since it was winter and a lot of the trees were bare it seemed to make the floor of the woods glow… Unless it was just my imagination…

But every sound, every brush of the leaves seemed to be amplified a thousands times over… If I was smarter I would’ve been scared. But I wasn’t… not really. Not really of Will… I mean a little of him. He was like a fucking stray dog you find in the street. Like you wanna pet it and if you're stupid like me, you do. Knowing that it can fucking bite you, but hoping it don't… And you know if it does bite you its only doing it cause its scared. But with a little love and maybe a bath or two that stray mutt can turn in a champion.

That’s what Will needed, some love… Maybe a bath too. I mean he did drive fucking 14 hours straight… A bath wouldn’t kill him…

I was gonna ask him what the fuck he was doing in Florida but I didn’t get the chance cause he stopped walking suddenly so I did too.

“Here.” He says like he was declaring this spot to be like the spot… the spot for what? I don't know, but he was pretty damn adamant about it. I pulled out my cigarettes and lit one up and as I did so, he started pulling the crap out of his duffle bag.

“Uh Will.” I say cautiously. I mean I didn’t want to set him off, but I wasn’t quite sure what we were doing out here.

“I need you to help me Elle.” He says and he pulled something from the bag and came towards me with it. I struggled to see what it was in the moonlight. Looked like a hammer… Holy shit it was a hammer…

“What the fuck we building something?” I asked him totally lost as he forced it into my hand.

“I want you to crucify me.” He says and my jaw dropped open at his words.

“Crucify?” I repeated back and I can see him nodding in the moonlight. “Like nail you to a cross crucify?” I asked. I mean maybe I had my words confused or something.

”Well to that tree.” He says pointing up at it and I felt dizziness taking me over as I looked up at the tree we were in front of. It was kinda twisted and shit and the way the branches came out of the sides it was kinda cross-shaped…

“Uh…fuck no.” I tell him dropping the hammer on the floor and he reached over and snatched it off the floor and tried to force it back into my hand.

“You have to.” He says insistently and I shook my head no.

“I don't. I'm not. Will I can’t.” I tell him and it seemed to be pissing him off but I just couldn’t. I mean he was fucking crazy I know, but come on. There was no way in hell that I was gonna nail him to a tree… Shit he should've asked Gerard – or Bob… I bet either one of them would’ve gladly given him a hand.

“Elle, there’s no other way.” He says desperately and I sighed a little.

“Its just the pills honey.” I tell him softly. “You said it yourself the dosage is off-“ I try to say but he freaked.

“Its not the pills Elle!” He yelled at me and I cringed slightly but held my tears back. I was trying to be strong but it was so fucking hard. I knew if I lost it then I wouldn’t be able to help him. Or help myself… fuck…

“Okay ummm.” I stammered a little trying to think of something to say that might snap some sense into him. “You know your parents already don't like me- I nail you to a fucking tree-” I tell him and as I said I realized how ridiculous it sounded but it was all I could come up with on the spot. I was no good under pressure.

“My parents are the reason.” He says and he begins quoting these bible verses again and I couldn’t keep up. I mean he worked this all out in his head and somehow with the strict religious regiment he was on and the voices in his head and the mish mosh of medicines he was taking, he some how kinda rolled everything into one big mess in his head. He thought that by like crucifying himself it was gonna be some kinda redemption. I don't know. All I knew was I wanted no part of it. And I wasn’t gonna let him do it either…

“Okay Will maybe in the morning we can.” I try to offer him but he grabbed the sides of his head like he was struggling against himself again.

“Fuck Elle! No! it has to be now.” He says and I sighed a little as I looked down at the floor. My eyes were fully adjusted to the dim light now and I just couldn’t bear to look at him. The pain on his face was killing me.

“I'm sorry Will, I love you too much. I can’t.” I whispered softly and when I looked up he was looking at me blankly.

And it wasn’t like that blank look Gerard gives me. This was a thousand times worse. It was like he was empty… Like there was no one behind his eyes, not nice Will, or preachy Will, or even angry Will. He was like just empty Will. It was terrifying…

“Elle I don't wanna hurt you.” He says his voice so low and so monotone that it made the hairs on the back my neck stand up.

“I know.” I replied softly and as I spoke he shut his eyes slowly.

“You need to get out of here.” He says his voice tensing up and he started scrunching his face a little. Like he was trying to hold his eyes shut.

“What?” I asked and I could feel my own pulse quickening now in anticipation.

“Get away from me Elle.” He says his voice turning desperate now. “Run Elle… fucking run…”

His voice was hollow. And as he yelled it at me it seemed to echo around me. I was caught completely off guard by it. I felt my mouth drop open and a gasp escape from my lips but I couldn’t seem to find my voice to speak. Will continued to struggle with himself and I widened my eyes as the scene played out in front of me. He had forcefully dropped down to his knees and leant his head forward. He was maybe five feet away from me, crouched down on the floor now, with his head hung forward.

“Will?” I faintly whispered at him but he wouldn’t look up. Maybe he didn’t hear me. I mean he seemed to be chanting something to under his breath, but I couldn’t make out what it was. He might have been praying but I think it was in Latin. Unless he did hear me and he was ignoring me… I think maybe he had his eyes closed, but I wasn’t sure… And as much as I wanted to reach over and try to comfort him – I didn’t…

I was too scared too. I mean he wanted me to get away… He was giving me a chance to get away before he did something he’d regret… So I took it.

I didn’t want to.

But I did.

I didn’t want to leave him all alone like that but I knew I had to. He was about to snap if he hadn’t snapped already. I wasn’t really sure. I had only taken one small step back from him when I paused. What the hell was I doing? There was no way I was just gonna leave him to his demons like that! I mean if something happened to him after I left cause I wasn’t here to stop him I’d never forgive myself. But I couldn’t stay.

I made a split second decision and grabbed the duffel bag, tossing it roughly over my shoulder as I ran off. I figured he wouldn’t be able to hurt himself then, but I don't know…

At fist I wasn’t even sure which way I was going. I just ran aimless in to the darkness that was the woods. I was so scared that he was right behind me but I was too afraid to look. I don't even think I got that far, I mean that’s what you get for smoking I guess, but my lungs just felt like they were gonna collapse if I took another breath and I had to stop.

I stood frozen for a second, in the middle of the makeshift trail, like a deer frozen in the headlights. Except there was no ‘headlights’ and I never really understood the deer’s fear until now…

I found myself holding my breath and listening desperately for any kinda sound but there wasn’t any… I don't think Will was following me. I know he moves quietly and all but the floor was covered in leaves and shit so I would’ve heard something if he was… wouldn’t I?

‘Fuck.’ I muttered softly as a small knocked over log caught my eye. It was a few feet away from me. Sorta off the path and as I went towards it I couldn’t help but feeling like the spot looked familiar… I think I've been here before… I mean I know I've been here before. The woods were a haven for us stoners and fuck ups.

As I got closer my anxiousness subsided slightly as I recognized the log. It wasn’t just knocked over. Someone knocked it over, Sid Jenkins to be exact. I know cause I remembered him doing it. He even carved an E in it for me one time. I ran my hand along it as I sat.

I know it wasn’t a good idea to just sit like that, but I needed to rest a moment. My lungs were throbbing inside my chest. I could feel my heart beating and my head was spinning. I knew if I tried to stand up I would pass out. I just needed a minute to catch my breath, to decide what to do next.

But there really wasn’t anything to think about. I could either sit here and wait for Will to come find me or I could get the fuck out of dodge… I mean I wanted to get the fuck out of there but I couldn’t move, not just yet. My breathing had returned to somewhat normal but I could still feel my heart pounding, and now my eyes were welling up with tears…

“shit Elle, hold it together.” I tell myself and then I nodded in agreement… Fuck. I was losing it – talking to myself like that! Shit, I was just as crazy as Will…No… no I wasn’t… Fucking Will man! Why the hell would he ask me to do something like that for! I mean he had to have known I would’ve said no…

I don't know how any of this happened either. I mean looking back at it, it did sorta make sense. Will was always a little ‘moody’. And then there was that one time that we were fucking and he made me call him ‘Steve’… But I just thought he was being kinky. I didn’t know that I was actually fucking ‘Steve’… I mean I made Gerard call me Jade! –did that make me crazy?

“Probably.” I sighed answering myself once more and then I giggled… I didn’t mean to but the stress was just getting to me… I was no good in these kinds of situations. I never knew what to do. Some people were leaders and some were followers. So what happens to the followers when there’s no one there to lead? Do they just sit in the woods and wait? Yes…I mean no… I mean I don't know. I could feel my anxieties building up on me and I took a deep breath to try to hold them back. I could hear Gerard's voice in my mind telling me to calm down…

“oh Gerard.” I sighed his name softly as I hung my head forward. I sniffled slightly and wiped the tears from my eyes. Where was he?! Shit… I needed him so badly. I squeezed my eyes shut and pictured him in mind. It made me feel so much better imagining him there. After a few moments had passed I could feel myself gaining back some kind of control. My heart rate had settled back down into somewhat of a normal range.

Okay, think now Elle…If he were here, what would he tell me to do?

Hmm… Well first he’d probably tell me to open my eyes. I mean not just cause he doesn’t like when I do that but cause I am still just sitting in the middle of the woods and Will could be anywhere. I'm like a fucking sitting duck too - just sitting here like a - well like a duck! Shit, I always thought that was a stupid phrase but I guess it makes sense…

Ah…I like ducks…

Fuck Elle! Concentrate! …What the hell! I'm sitting here thinking about ducks?! Shit, I'm gonna be a dead duck if I don't start focusing soon… Okay, where was I … Oh yeah… Gerard…

‘Mmm Gerard…’ I sighed his name fondly once more and as I did so I found myself lowering my eyes back shut as I thought of him. Suddenly the sound of rustling leaves filled the air…